Does my boyfriend still love his ex?

[labayer]

Hi,

 

I need your advice as well. These days I discovered something regarding my two years relationship and it hurts so much. But from the start:

 

I (27) have been with my boyfriend (30) for two years. A few months back we moved in together and I'm really happy, everything seems to be great and he even asked me last month if I wanna buy a house with him and we already talked about kids. He says that he loves me all the time and all of his free time he spends with me, always takes me to his family and friends. I thought everything was close to perfect.

 

But- Last year (summer 2013) he broke up with me after a year of relationship. He said we're fighting too much and are too similar to work out. He wasn't wrong, we were fighting a lot, but many fights resulted out of the fact that sometimes I didn't feel loved. I saw him texting with his ex-girlfriend sometimes and he got angry when I asked him about it, saying that they're only friends. Also, he said in my face that he isn't sure if he wants a future with me, even though he loves me very much. Well, and other things like that. He broke up with me and I went completely NC. After three months he reached out to me, we talked and got back together. Ever since he seems changed, makes future plans with me (before the break up he did not), tells me I love you all the time (didn't say it much before the break up) and I haven't seen him texting with his ex (but then again, I never snooped around).

 

Well, I was at a friend's party last weekend (without my bf) and met an old friend of my boyfriend there. That guy was pretty drunk and asked my if I'm not jealous about 'all the girlfriends' my boyfriend had before me. I know he had a lot of girlfriends before me, but I always said the past is the past. That guy then asked me if I know about Anna (not her real name, but let's call her Anna), my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend from 2010/2011. I said 'not really', even though I've seen her name popping up on my boyfriend's phone sometimes (before our breakup), but I never asked, because as I said, the past is the past and I really don't wanna know about his ex girlfriends. Anyway, this guy didn't stop and then told me that my boyfriend always considered her as 'the love of his life', even 'many years after the breakup'. This guy said that the only reason why those two broke up in 2011 is that she got a job abroad and didn't want to have a long distance relationship. And that my boyfriend always kept in contact with her and even wanted her back for a long time (she still lives abroad).

 

Well, I went home later that evening, a bit drunk myself, and opened my laptop. I don't know, there were a thousand fears in my head, fear, that my boyfriend might still love her after all that time. Fear that he's cheating. My boyfriend was still logged in his email account (he doesn't have an own laptop, just a computer for which he has to sit at the table). I scrolled through his emails to see if I see her name. And I did. I saw that he emailed her more than a year ago, just a few days after our breakup. He told her that he really misses her and that he regrets that he didn't visit her 'two years ago' (2011 after their breakup), he said he 'should have listened to his heart'. He then said he would really love to visit her now and if she says yes he would be on the next plane to see her. She then answered him, saying that she misses him, but that she doesn't want to see him, because she has a new boyfriend now in the country where she lives and she doesn't want to lie to him. Also, because she couldn't imagine to 'not hook up' with him if she saw him. So it would be better if they don't see each other, because she's happy with her current boyfriend. My boyfriend then answered that he is happy for her and that her new boyfriend is a lucky guy and that he thinks he will never be able to not have feelings for her anymore. Yes, that's exactly what he wrote her.

 

I don't know what to think. It hurts so much. When he wrote her this, he hadn't seen her for more than two years and he was in a relationship with me for a year.He wrote her this while he was broken up with me. Now I'm a scared that the main reason he broke up with me was her. That he thought he loves her, not me. And if she didn't say she had a boyfriend, he probably would have visited her- And gotten back together with her?! Maybe she would be here now, not me. After she wrote him that she doesn't wanna see him and has a new boyfriend, it took another two months for him to contact me and get back together with me. The same evening I checked also if he had more contact with her, but I only found one email from him to her wishing her a happy birthday and another email saying that he feels sorry for her loss (her grandfather died, I guess he saw it on FB). She also just wished him happy birthday in one email. Of course I cannot know if he deleted her emails or is in contact with her via Whatsapp or so. She still has that boyfriend she told him about last year, by the way. In total my boyfriend and her were together for only 6 months. SIX MONTHS! Of course he never went through problems with her or anything, since all they had together was the honeymoon phase and years of being in contact afterwards without seeing each other.

 

But now I'm really worried and sad and don't know what to do. Am I just his second choice? What if she breaks up with her boyfriend one day? Will he leave me for her, even though she lives thousands of miles away (by the way, her family as well, so she's never coming here to visit our country)?

 

I cannot just confront my boyfriend with what I've seen. I trusted him before I met his damn friend at that party (although I know that snooping is wrong, but now I'm kinda glad I did it) and he thinks I do trust him. I cannot just tell him I went through his emails from more than a year ago etc. But I also don't know yet how to handle that information. Does he maybe still love her after all those years or am I overreacting and maybe he just went crawling back to her with some nice words after his relationship with me ended?

 

 

I'm thankful for your advice and opinion.

[Heathy]

It seems to me that he wasn't over her a year ago when he broke up with you. But I think he might be now. You said that his attitude towards you is completely different this time around. I think that is proof that he is over her and is now focused on you.

 

I think now, there is nothing for you to worry about. He probably realized he wasn't over her, so he broke up with you instead of stringing you along. After he took some time to get over her, he called you back up.

 

I wouldn't admit to snooping but if I were you I would jump at any opportunity to bring her up. Maybe mention what his friend told you and say it worried you. That way it's a perfectly innocent way to bring it up and hear his side of the story.

[annisk]

What Heathy said seems about right to me. Go with that.