Question to OW

[Arch_123]

Just a general pondering, but since I see so many women here advocating not getting involved with a MM, I'm curious--what made you get involved with a MM? Typically, most women I know are more supportive of the institution of marriage, and I thought this was a general rule. Yet clearly many women have gotten invloved with a MM. Now, I'm not passing judgement on anyone, nor am I interested in starting a flame war. I'm genuinely curious. What were you hoping to get out of the relationship (just sex? hoping he'd eventually change his mind?), and why did you start dating him in the first place?

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Arch_123

Just a general pondering, but since I see so many women here advocating not getting involved with a MM, I'm curious--what made you get involved with a MM? Typically, most women I know are more supportive of the institution of marriage, and I thought this was a general rule. Yet clearly many women have gotten invloved with a MM. Now, I'm not passing judgement on anyone, nor am I interested in starting a flame war. I'm genuinely curious. What were you hoping to get out of the relationship (just sex? hoping he'd eventually change his mind?), and why did you start dating him in the first place?

 

Well, I worked with my MM. He chased me for about a year, but I wouldn't do anything because I knew he was married. One day, I just couldn't fight it anymore. I developed strong feelings for him. I stupidly believed all his stories about how unhappy he was and his wife was nasty.. blah blah blah. I was very lonely and just happy somebody was paying attention to me & he made me feel special.. corny as that may sound I didn't think about the consequences at the time. I stayed with him for about a year.. A little part of me hoped he would leave his wife. It wasn't just the sex for me.. it wasn't what he could do for me.. like buy me things (cause lord knows he rarely bought me anything). I was in love. I tell people now that dating a MM is not a good idea, because now I realize how stupid I was, and how hurt I was when it ended..

[Marge]

I started dating my MM because he came up to my desk at work and asked me to have sex with him. I knew better.

 

He was hot. He still is.

 

He has 3 girlfriends now besides his wife, and he is driving me crazy telling me when his dates are with the other women. He dumped me Friday because I couldnt take it.

5 years of misery waiting around for him when he had no time for me. Then he got time and spent it with others.

 

I guess you can say I am getting what I deserve.

 

Marge

[goldy]

i am not going to give any personal details just in case, but it was kind of like this:

 

i was walking along, alone as usual, i fell into a big hole. i really hurt myself. there was a ladder in there and i could have got out but my knees hurt and it would have been painful but not impossible, also i was curious. i looked around and somebody was there putting ointment on my sore knees, i wasnt alone anymore. this person pointed out to me all the glittering treasure i had stumbled upon and as i looked i made myself see that he was right. i could have seen if i had wanted to that the treasure was just an illusion, but i wasnt alone anymore and my knees still hurt. as the days wore on it became more and more apparent that the treasure was just an illusion and although i wasnt alone anymore i was still stuck down a hole!

i began to climb up the ladder, only trouble was he had been rubbing ointment into my knees for so long that they were raw from all the rubbing. i am still climbing up the ladder and my knees hurt more than ever.

[sunshine21]

That was a very good way of putting things!

[Mr Spock]

Read one of the other bazillion threads where someone is asking the exact same thing as you.

[Arch_123]

I did a search on that, but all it really revealed was OW venting about their situation. But thank-you for your insightful response, it has certainly helped me understand some of the underlying dynamics of what makes women beome an OW.

[Sad Flower]

Vague reply but here it goes........MM was an old boyfriend from highschool who I thought about for years, got in contact with him after years of wondering about him, he was unhappily married and separating from his wife, so we dated, but he eventually went back like they all eventually do!

[heart2heart]

I'm not an OW as such, because I didn't nor am I involved with MM in my situation to the extent that others are involved with theirs, ie: dating, physical/intimate contact, etc.... we are just 'friends'.

 

Why did I choose to be friends with a MM? Because this particular MM was an ex flame from years back, we were 'first loves' who met in our late teens and we had a 7 year relationship and were ourselves, engaged to be married back then....didn't work out for us I've thought about this guy over the years, wondered how he was, what became of him, etc, etc and so when he came searching for me via the internet recently and found me, I was ecstatic and overjoyed at hearing from him again and our email friendship went from there.

[joodee]

I met my MM at work in the lunchroom (we're in separate departments, so the only time I saw him was when he was in the lunchroom), I noticed him but didn't really talk to him cause I was interested in someone else at the time. When that other interest didn't work out, I started to work on myself and was soon busy looking for my own apartment and being happy. Right when I was feeling good about myself, I started talking to the MM more casually and we hit it off (he had no ring on so I assumed he was available). We soon started e-mailing each other about stuff after a month of casual conversations at work, and I was starting to think of asking him out for coffee and try to get to know him better.

 

He always talked about his kids, but never about their mother. Well, I really started to feel very attracted, I hadn't felt that way in years and I really haven't had a date in a long time nor a boyfriend for like four years. But I was wondering about his kids' mom, and he never came out and said he was divorced, nor talked about her. I asked around what his story was, someone said he was very married, I e-mailed him asking if he was, he said yes, that he was sorry he presented himself as something he was not, but that there was more to the story than anyone knew. He then asked if I wanted to hear the story. I said yes I did, and that I knew people got into weird situations (my brother and cousins and some friends all met their future spouses while married to someone else and they all worked out great, go figure), but I asked if he lived alone, cause if he still lived with his wife, then I didn't want to hear about it at all. He then said he lived alone and has for six years.

 

So then I listened. Not much to the story, just that they were separated for six years and they didn't communicate anymore and really lived separate lives. At that moment I remember telling him that it was strange that he couldn't really explain why he still wasn't divorced, and that I said I couldn't get involved with someone married and that the explanation was not good enough. So we talked some more, then he walked me to my car, and I said thanks for talking, and then he kissed me goodbye, and that was the best kiss I had in years.

 

After that kiss I said no way am I getting involved, that I couldn't be more than friends. He said he understood.

 

Well, we met a couple of times as friends and wound up kissing at the end of each meeting. I decided then to give it a chance cause there was no evidence of him having a thing for his w (no photos in his place, never with her, etc.), even though I was a nervous wreck about it. My wanting a relationship so badly took precedence over my morals.

 

I was very attracted, hadn't had a date in a long time, and I thought there was a connection, and since they didn't live together I gave it a chance, especially since I've seen many success stories.

 

I want to say I was very wrong about him, my MM turned out to be a liar and a cheat and lives a double life, no, triple life. They don't live together, but his W still loves him, and he won't let go (he'll never admit to that), she moved out. Still not clear about those two, but breaking it off has been difficult cause I'm still attracted to him and he won't give up on me and tries to shower me with attention. But for about two weeks I have been strong and haven't seen him at all and kept contact to a bare minimum, like I am weaning myself off of him. I told him I needed a break, the next step is to tell him I can't see him anymore.

[ww]

they are all like: DR.Jeckyl and MR.Hide.....I guess

[whatamidoinghere]

Mine's not married, but..

 

Met him at work, started as friends, then pool hall buddies. Now I don't know what to call it... told him I wouldn't get into a relationship with him until he sorts out the mess of a situation he's in. He claims he's miserable. Who knows?

 

I see him once a week if that. He has an odd work schedule, I'm super busy and we live an hour away from each other. So not a lot of time to stress out about it, although lately I'm feeling guilt.

 

But-

He's smart as a whip

He's funny as hell

He's a gentleman - in my presence anyway

He's someone I would want as a friend at least if nothing more

 

He made one screwup this past weekend, he had a good reason and he apologized profusely.

 

And there you have it!

[ww]

...well so it happens. It`s useless over analyzing things like : why we date them...or how it happens ...

The most important thing is how to get over it and start living again. Don7 you think so?

[Young Woman]

Very few women ever go out looking for a married man to get involved with. Very few seek married men because they love the thrill of obtaining the unavailable. I think most of us only wish our loves WERE in fact available.

 

Why did I do it? I didn't quite understand what was happening as it was happening.

 

We met at work, saw each other often for about 4 months because of a project we were involved in together. We hit it off as people-- we could talk with ease about anything and had trouble staying on task while we were working because of how much we simply enjoyed being together. When we finished the project, I invited him for a casual coffee and chat session. I had known he was married the whole time we knew each other, and had no intention of getting romantically involved with him. I figured we'd become friends, he'd introduce me to his wife, they'd invite me over for barbecues, I'd invite them to my wedding when I eventually found someone to be by life companion. I was attracted to him, but I brushed my feelings aside. My intentions were entirely wholesome.

 

We began growing closer, and he confided his marital troubles to me. When I found out how unhappy he was my feelings toward him changed. How can I explain this? Somehow, knowing that he did not in fact have a truly loving relationship freed my heart to long to enter into one with him.

 

Why do I say I didn't understand what was happening? Because we never spoke honestly about our feelings until about 8 months after our first coffee chat. (And of course, we never had sex or any other kind of blatantly romantic physical touch.)

 

When I told him I susptected that he was trying to start an affair with me, he assured me that he wasn't, but that he couldn't tell his wife about our special friendship anyway. No barbecues for me!

 

His insistence upon secrecy from his wife was a warning sign that his intentions were not as he told me they were, but I ignored it. After all, I was falling for him. I had never had such a bond with anyone before. I resolved that we would continue as friends, and I wouldn't let him know my feelings until one day... maybe, just maybe... he might get divorced and then I could be free to open up to him.

 

I was naive in thinking that I should ignore signs that he was not being honest, and I was naive in thinking that I should hide my feelings from him. This got so confusing after a while, that we finally talked about how we felt. He's working on his marriage. I am trying to be a giving friend, but I can't do this forever.

 

My advice to other women? First, don't date married men! Second, don't allow yourself to become the kind of intimate friend that only a spouse should be, especially if you are attracted to the guy! These are the obvious grains of coyote wisdom, and they don't help women who already are OW's.

 

Advice for OW's? If you sense yourself inevitably becoming intimate friends, don't take it to the sexual level, no matter how passionately you might want it. I haven't done that, bu I am pretty sure it will make things more complicated. Second, respect your MM's right to make his own choices. You can tell him honestly if you think his marriage is unredeemable, but ultimately he has to decide with his wife what to do. For him, the situation may be a conflict between leaving the marriage in all its misery and unfulfillment, which also means leaving what security the marriage also brings, and venturing into the unknown where happiness is possible but nothing is certain. This takes courage. Honestly, my advice to men in this situation is DO IT, seek happiness! It may make you vulnerable for a while but to be alive is to be vulnerable! And certainly, to be able to accept love, you must be willing to be vulnerable-- for never are you more vulnerable (or more safe) than when you give yourself to another. But, sadly, I also have to remind my fellow other women that you can not make him do what you may think is right for him. Believe it or not, Ladies, there ARE other men out there. YOU deserve the more complete fulfillment of a full, open, committed relationship, and you won't be able to allow that into your life if you are still hanging on to your MM. This doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him. I know, you can't. But you can let him go. Tell him to give you a call if he ever decides DEFINITIVELY to get a divorce. In the mean time (and you will have to accept that the mean time might be the rest of your life), move on with your life. Look for a real relationship. Courage, Girl! Take heart! You can do this!

 

I only hope I can take my own advice!

[Circles]

Originally posted by ww

they are all like: DR.Jeckyl and MR.Hide.....I guess

 

 

I found this amusing WW, and you are so right.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Joodee,

 

You are right to leave him. It is the best thing for you. You deserve someone who will not deceive you.

 

How are you doing now? Have you talked to your MM about not seeing him anymore?

 

You can do this!

 

If it's any consolation, I am in a similar position.

 

Tamed Wildflower

[ww]

[font=century gothic]Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit[/font]

[pearlgirl]

I think that the stories for how it started are really almost excuses...as if people let themselves be victims in their own lives. What I really think it's about are voids in our lives...and the MM or even SG filling those voids.

 

As a MOW I had voids in my life...voids my H did not fill for me. Nor did being with family or friends. And then you come across someone who has the same voids. If those voids in your life are deep enough, then you conciously make the choice to keep continuing in it. I chose to get involved...as selfish as it might seem. And it was not for lack of trying to fill those voids with H.....he just doesn't seem to be o nthe same page as I am..and hasn't in forever.

[newby]

i'm curious pearl girl,

what makes you think your excuse is any better?

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by newby

i'm curious pearl girl,

what makes you think your excuse is any better?

 

good one Newby!

 

Hmmm my excuse? I am not involved physically with the MM at work, but we have gotten to be close as friends, a little too close, but I keep trying to keep the distance.

But anyway, my excuse, I had recently broken up with a bf of 2 years and was feeling down and depressed and this MM showered me with attention, and has been for nearly 8 months now....I see him daily at work....I suppose that is why we had become friends and "confidantes". I was vulnerable, he's a predator, and there you have it.

 

 

However; reading the stories here continue to help me stay grounded and SEE the truth behind his lies. This is one hole I will not jump into, despite his efforts...but he is one persistent f*cker.

[XNemesisX]

Right now, I am seeing a man who has a girlfriend (and yes - I am still trying to break that off!)

 

But I do have an experience with a MM that I can share. The relationship never went to a sexual level but I'm positive there was an emotional affair. He was in several of my classes and we used to sit after classes, take long walks, etc and talk about our problems to eachother. He told me he was unhappy in his marriage and that he wanted out but couldn't at the moment. I really believed what he said. He felt he had been married at too young of an age but they already had a house together and he couldn't face the consequences of a divorce and what it would do to his family and her family.

 

Before long we were meeting up for coffee, out to dinners, all in secret of course. We did kiss and we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. The people in our classes all noticed the connection we had and would make comments about it.

 

He would have been the perfect guy for me, but ultimately his wife discovered the "friendship" or whatever it was between us and pretty much threatened my life and his if we talked any more. We stopped seeing eachother shortly after, mainly it was my doing not his. I was scared of his W for one thing, and for another I didn't see him leaving her any time soon so why even bother? Also, I was trying to work out problems in my own relationship that I was in at the time, so I figured I should just leave what I had with the MM alone.

 

I saw him just a few weeks ago actually, at the mall. She was in the dressing room and he was standing outside waiting on her. We locked eyes and he looked completely miserable and depressed.

 

Oh well.

[joodee]

Hi, thanks for the message in this thread, I don't mean to throw it off (been busy working and stuff), here's the update:

 

I haven't seen MM hardly at all, last week he stopped by the office for a few minutes after not seeing or talking to him for awhile, then after that brief hello he e-mailed asking if I wanted him to bring over take-out. I wrote back asking about the action I wanted before even seeing him again (none yet, of course), and I forgot what else, oh yes, he started whining in his e-mail about how he would have liked to have seen me on Easter, I said if that's what you wanted you would have called and planned something with you, me, and the kids.

 

Then I wrote saying I would have take-out with him ONLY IF it was at his house, with his phone plugged in. He wrote back saying he was going home and was tired, and decided he'd cook himself some soup and go to bed early.

 

Since then he's left a few phone messages and tries to e-mail me, but I respond with short matter-of-fact responses (e-mail only).

 

Tonight I was feeling really bad, but I don't want to talk to him, yes, I am feeling really lonely now, but I can't be around a liar no more. Anything out of his mouth is a lie. Oh, and he stopped leaving stuff for me at the door and stopped with the "I love you" bull cause he figured out it wasn't working. I did tell him via e-mail I can't handle this anymore, I'm not your mistress no more.

 

I'm surprised I am able to stick to my guns, I miss the attention terribly and talking, but I can't hear one more lie about his W and everything. I'm sure he's with one of his other gals as we speak, he doesn't know how to be alone.

[Mz. Pixie]

I was in a terrible place in my marriage- my husband never stayed at home. I was lonely. The MM chased me for a while before I finally got weak and gave in. I'd known him for years and years and that is another thing that made it easier. It was just to be fun- neither of us were looking to leave our spouses.