Iruinedeverything Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) **IT'S LONG BUT I MADE IT INTERESTING, I PROMISE** we were friends that liked each other for some time...then while he tried to pursue me i was so caught up in trying to get over an ex I ignored it until he found someone else...we didn't speak for a year while he dated her (my doing) because i knew what he meant to me so i didnt want to mess it up by trying to ruin his relationship. eventually we spoke again..stupidly right after i got out another bad relationship and he was still with the girl..he still loved me so we ended up together..but i was very weak..& i had loved this man for years & the pressure of everything really made me different. i had just been cheated on and traumatized by an ex..i was focused on the girl he had left for me..& simply put, i was toxic. I was a horrible gf to him because I let the pressure get to me. I clinged, i accused him of cheating, i compared him to my ex, i argued non-stop, i made him unhappy. I knew why i was acting in this way...with other guys i'm so cool..the way i used to be with him..but thats because i wasn't in love with them or afraid to lose them...I was so scared to lose this man & so insecure in myself because of all the stuff that had just happened..I pushed him away. so he dumped me...yes that hurt...but what hurt the most was the fact that he said he was wrong about us being soul-mates & he had fallen out of love with me & lastly...no matter what space or time, he & I could never be in a relationship again. he had tried to leave before and a few tears or a good day together would make him stay so i figured tears would work this time too..despite how harsh his words were. They didn't, he was serious & i broke down. I kept crying & begging & calling...damn near harassing him for about a week...he started getting meaner until he told me he hated me & if being dead meant i'd leave him alone he would be happy with that. he said if i kept calling he'd get a restraining order & that he never wanted to see me again in his life. now normally it would never had gotten that far...but the more i realized I had ruined it with the one guy i really wanted the more emotional i became...he legitimately thinks I'm crazy now, because instead of my brain saying count your loses it said..YOU WAITED YEARS FOR HIM AND YOU RUINED IT DON'T LET HIM GO... now any logical thinker could see this guy was long gone. but i couldnt stop calling because i felt something...now after a week of him gettin more and more pissed off with me calling and going from we can be friends in the future to i'm going to tell your family and then change my number. I thought i had nothing to lose so i kept going...and in one strange phone call on the 7th day where he told me he'd rather have sex with magic johnson than me again he invited me over for a weekend. It was weird because prior to that he behaved as though he thought I was crazy and that he'd be calling the cops...then he wanted me to sleep over for 2 nights...where his family that he is so protective over is (we both still live at home)...I knew it was for sex only but i agreed. reasons I agreed: -I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks even before the break up so I really wanted to just see him knowing it would be the last time...(things were rocky since he had been contemplating) -I feel like break ups should happen in person. -I wanted to sleep with him at least one more time because he actually was my best -I wanted to know if i could bring any feelings back now everyone always advises against this but I can assure you I'm okay...I told him we could have a casual sexual relationship he said okay that we only can sleep with each other and that he hasn't slept with anyone since me (I believe, he isnt the player type)...as i made the arrangement i tried to convince myself i could be okay with this. but deep down i couldn't. I'd be getting everything I wanted from him..exclusivity, a sexual relationship, quality time together, him basically forgetting im "crazy"...but he still wouldn't love me. I went to his house still though knowing deep down I had an agenda...we had sex..probably the best we've had...and we spent the other day just hanging out..no sex (i didn't feel good)..he took care of me..rubbed my tummy..slept arm in arm..played games..all in all just had a good time. it was like the week of me "harassing him" & him saying the meanest things ever didn't even happen. Of course this experience just made me love him more but as time drew closer I knew i had to drop my bomb. I thought to myself...this was fun...i can live with this...we get along even better without the relationship...but the sex was empty to me...because i knew he didn't love me..the kisses were empty because i knew he didn't love me...as he fell asleep in my arms I knew he wasn't thinking of me, as he rubbed my tummy and did everything he could to make me feel better I knew he was just being nice. just knowing that he wasn't in love with me & would never be again ruined how good everything that was happening actually was. So i basically acted like everything was cool for those 2 days..like this was the new us...casual sex & friends...but hours before i left i asked him... how he felt..if anything had changed & basically forced him to repeat everything he said on the phone and say it in person...he said everything was clearer..he loves me & cares for me but still isnt in love. He sees me in his future but only as a best friend. it hurt, but i didnt regret it. because i needed to do it...i needed the closure (which i did get) i needed to spend some time with him one last time, I needed to cherish him knowing i wouldn't see him like this again like i didnt get to the last time & i needed to know i tried to fix my wrongs. this man thinks i'm good enough to play house with..but not girlfriend material & there is nothing i can do about that now. I do believe how horribly i acted made him appreciate his ex more & i wouldnt be surprised if they get back together..& that hurts too...but this was my fault..i want ready for a relationship & though he'll never admit it he wasn't ready to jump right into another one either. I wish i had healed myself before getting into this because if i was a good gf this never would've happened. we had chemistry but now he'll only remember me as a terror. after we spoke i told him i was sorry for deceiving him but we would never be able to have a casual sexual relationship....I told him I needed to do this and that i wish he would just give me another shot but since he cant this is it. We both hugged each other and cried for the remainder of the night. he apologized for hurting me many times...and asked me to slap him (which i didn't), I told him how depressed I was and that i was having "thoughts" (bad move but i was in full disclosure mode) he begged me not to do anything stupid which was pleasant change from "i'd be happy if you were dead" then we cried some more, i cried because i knew if i called him again after this i'd really just be bat **** crazy..i cried because i lost a friend, a lover, & the guy i was inlove with. He cried because i was crying. it's over & we said we could be "friends" & he would check in on me but...I'll never forgive myself for ruining it with this guy...I know he had a part in it too but I know had i acted differently we would still be together....after that weekend for the first time since he dumped me i hadn't call or text him for a full 24/7 which prior to meeting up i was incapable of doing. on my way home he texted me to tell him when i got home safe i did & we havent spoken since...I know he will miss me but never enough to want me back & I know even after i heal myself properly and become the perfect gf he'll still never see me the way he did because he saw me broken & at my lowest. I posted in second chances because I really want this man back...but at the same time I know its probably impossible...I want stories...feedback...anything. 3 cheers for a semi-mature break up in my early twenties. (even though there was a week for pure childish selfish impulsive behavior)...I'm just a few days NC & i still don't know how silly it will be for me to ignore him when he "checks in" cause i told him he could... but NC says no to that... Edited November 8, 2014 by Iruinedeverything Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iruinedeverything Posted November 8, 2014 Author Share Posted November 8, 2014 c'mon guys Link to post Share on other sites
elgringo Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 He says that he doesnt love you. Thats hard to hear but that being the case you need to move on. I think your best best now is going no contact with him for at least 30 days and use this time to work on yourself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iruinedeverything Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 @elgringo what about the fact that we agreed to keep in touch...i told him it was okay to check in on me...when he does that should i just ignore him?...chances are he'll think i'm playing games with him & stop contacting all together...ruining a chance of a friendship when im off nc Link to post Share on other sites
lawbstar Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I understand that you do not want to give him mixed signals and think t hat you are playing games with him. However, if you are really not ready for him to contact you, and you think you wouldn't be able to handle yourself, you should be honest with him and tell him that. Maybe you could ask him for some time, and tell him that you're just not ready yet for what you told him, but that you will be later. Just make sure you look after yourself and do what is best for you even if he is not in that picture. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 @elgringo what about the fact that we agreed to keep in touch...i told him it was okay to check in on me...when he does that should i just ignore him?...chances are he'll think i'm playing games with him & stop contacting all together...ruining a chance of a friendship when im off nc "I posted in second chances because I really want this man back" Sounds like you are confused. You can't have it both ways. You cannot just be friends with him right now or maybe ever and it sounds like that is not what you really want. The mature, non game playing, but hard thing to do would be to tell him that it is best if you two do not communicate for a few months while you figure things out and to please respect your decision. It doesn't mean you have to feel like you are done, but emotions are high right now and you need some time away from him to clear things up. Do your best to give this a try. It is hard, but I was able to finally do it and my ex girlfriend contacted me after 3 months of NC, so you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 you cant be friends until you are completely over him. Link to post Share on other sites
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