The Ups and Downs

[kenmore]

I still have to resolve the school situation, and I would like to do it soon...I spoke to my attorney, and since my wife no longer lives in this district and I do, the only way my daughter can stay in her current school is if my wife agrees to name me as a legal guardian. And if that happens, she can't legally keep me and my daughter apart even if she wanted to. This could get interesting.

 

That doesn't sound right to me KB. Talk to the school and please don't let your step daughter's school situation become any kind of focal point in your divorce, custody battle etc. Talk to the school, not an attorney.

[kenmore]

...He told me that my STBX mother in law has hardly spoken to my wife since she left me, because my MIL believes she's made a huge mistake and screwed up her life and her daughter's life by leaving. Apparently other family members have told her the same, including him. I stopped him in the middle of him telling me these things because it was upsetting me and I told him it wasn't going to change anything, but I did get to hear that much. He repeated how much he missed me, I said the same and we went our separate ways after about 15 minutes of conversation.

 

I know my wife - and how stubborn she is - and that other people telling her she's made a mistake is actually only going to make her more determined to prove them wrong...

 

My mother-in-law is just the opposite! She's the one who goaded her into the divorce and I have no doubt she has been continuing to "support her great decision" as time has gone by. There's only one family member of hers who thinks she is a fool and that's her brother, but of course they don't see eye to eye on anything.

 

But like your wife, my wife is so stubborn, even if her decision was destroying her own health because she was so upset, she'd continue on all the more. Her big point of pride was that her father once told her that he won't help pay for her education because she would never make it. She moved out at 18 and worked her own way through college and made it "just to shove it in his *ss" she said. She said she probably wouldn't have finished college if not for that, and that's how it is with her. Now she reveres him as this great person in her life because he was a successful dick and wouldn't help her back then, and I'm to be loathed because I actually cared for her, but am not very successful. I'm the antithesis of him, and that's another reason she had to break up with me. Well, she can be happy in my absence with the memory of her dead father who treated her like crap and beat her, and her mother who was never there for her. Bitter much? LOL

[KBarletta]

That doesn't sound right to me KB. Talk to the school and please don't let your step daughter's school situation become any kind of focal point in your divorce, custody battle etc. Talk to the school, not an attorney.

 

Thanks Ken. I have no intention of using the school situation as anything other than a way to ensure the best possible future for my daughter. At this point, we all seem to be in agreement as to what that is, and I hope that agreement continues.

 

I have reviewed the school's enrollment requirements as well, and unless a child has a parent or legally established non-parent guardian who resides in the district, they cannot attend - unless they pay tuition. That would be too costly. The only way this situation would be a problem is if my wife decides to deny me continuing "legal guardian" status after the D is final by refusing to sign our co-parenting agreement, which would be a complete departure from the status quo and would be harmful to both our daughter and to me. She could do it, but it would create major problems for everyone involved. It's actually entirely up to her how things go, but I am at least going to do whatever I can to preserve the status quo.

[kenmore]

I have reviewed the school's enrollment requirements as well, and unless a child has a parent or legally established non-parent guardian who resides in the district, they cannot attend - unless they pay tuition. That would be too costly.

 

That's interesting. I have never heard of a tuition in a public school before. I guess they are coming up with all sorts of new ways to pad the stone.

 

We had our daughter moved within a school district just because we wanted her with more kids of her own kind, and at another time had her transferred to a district completely beyond where we lived because it was for her benefit (the school saw that and it was up to the accepting school to make the decision.) We had to pay for a bus, but not tuition. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that they have changed things to create new revenue these days.

[KBarletta]

That's interesting. I have never heard of a tuition in a public school before. I guess they are coming up with all sorts of new ways to pad the stone.

 

We had our daughter moved within a school district just because we wanted her with more kids of her own kind, and at another time had her transferred to a district completely beyond where we lived because it was for her benefit (the school saw that and it was up to the accepting school to make the decision.) We had to pay for a bus, but not tuition. Somehow it doesn't surprise me that they have changed things to create new revenue these days.

 

Yeah, Ken, I think the tuition rule is in place to keep people from just sending their kids to whatever school they want. I own rental property in the current district, so I will still be a "taxpayer" - forcing me to pay tuition would amount to double-dipping for them.

 

Still trying to figure out why my wife did a 180 on her thoughts as to the school issue and her desire to move away, etc. Since we are basically NC, I won't be asking any questions. But I am kind of dying to know the reason.

[KBarletta]

Hi again all.

 

A bit of a mix of good and bad to report today. I booked a beach vacation for myself and daughter for later this summer after sending an email to STBXW notifying her of the dates. I was very careful to not to seek *permission* for the trip but just to make sure the dates were OK. She wrote back to say the dates were OK, and said she told our daughter about it and she was excited.

 

I know it seems like a small thing, but I wanted to be the one to tell her we were taking a trip together, and was a bit annoyed with my wife for doing so. It was just another reminder that I play a secondary role in her life.

 

We also got into an exchange over daughter's birthday, which is coming up in a few weeks - STBXW told me that she would be with our daughter all day and asked did I want to see her the day before or the day after. I haven't responded yet, because while I am happy to have whatever time I do with her, I would like to at least *see* her for an hour or two on her birthday, give her presents and spend some time with her. It bothers me that my wife is basically telling me that I can't see her at all that day.

 

I know these don't seem like major issues, but just reminders of my secondary status (in wife's mind - not daughter's), which I think was always in the back of her mind, but now that we are separated is becoming more and more clear.

 

Annoyed today, but I will wait until that passes before I respond. The good news is, we'll have a week together at the beach this summer, and I have that to look forward to.

 

KTB

[chew123]

KB,

 

Yep, rather inconsiderate of her to tell her about the vacation and not let you visit her on her actual bday. Get used to it , typical behavior, your feelings will not be considered.

 

However, from the sounds of things I suspect your daughter does not consider you secondary in her life. That is all that matters.

 

Going to the jersey shore? I live there now. Have a great time with your daughter. A whole week with her sounds fantastic. You can both use it.

[KBarletta]

Thanks chew.

 

Actually we are going to Florida, so we can check three things off of our favorites list: A few days on the beach, a trip to Epcot Center and a trip to Kennedy Space Center. It should be a lot of fun, if we can avoid bad weather.

[darkbloom]

Hi KB!!!

 

Sorry for being gone for so long. I am feeling better about my breakup and have thus forced myself into the real world instead of spending it with my virtual friends here on LS. Even though I love them all, I must move on.

 

I would handle your situation like this:

 

Ask for your daughter the day before and ask if she can spend the night. Tell her you would like to do breakfast for her on her birthday so she can open presents and then tell her you will drop your daughter off after breakfast to spend the rest of the day with her.

 

I think it is very important that you get to spend a few hours with your daughter on her actual birthday even if it's just for breakfast. If necessary, I would tell your ex that it is important for your daughter since this is the first year of you both not spending her birthday with her together. Emphasize that it is her for emotional wellbeing and to maintain the normalcy of her birthday that she is used to. Your wife will probably agree since she is the reason that it's not normal anymore.

[KBarletta]

Thanks, darkbloom. No need to apologize - glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

I have felt stuck the past several weeks, honestly, kind of like I don't want to stay where I am but I don't feel ready to move forward, either. It's strange, because I actually felt better a few months ago, but as I have always told other people, this is not a linear process.

 

The only time I feel like myself is when I am with my daughter. That's one reason why I am still upset that my wife doesn't want me to see her on her birthday. I think I am going to insist on it, at least for an hour or two, not just for me but for my family also.

 

I am supposed to close on the new house this Thursday, if things going as planned (it's already been delayed once), and am already starting to pack things up at the old place. I felt kind of energized by that process over the weekend, even as it made me sad as I remembered unpacking in what seems like such as short time ago, with such hope for the future.

 

I don't have that same feeling of hope for the future that I had then, it's more of just a "let's get this over with" kind of feeling I have right now. But I am sure that could change.

[darkbloom]

Thanks, darkbloom. No need to apologize - glad to hear you are feeling better.

 

I have felt stuck the past several weeks, honestly, kind of like I don't want to stay where I am but I don't feel ready to move forward, either. It's strange, because I actually felt better a few months ago, but as I have always told other people, this is not a linear process.

 

The only time I feel like myself is when I am with my daughter. That's one reason why I am still upset that my wife doesn't want me to see her on her birthday. I think I am going to insist on it, at least for an hour or two, not just for me but for my family also.

 

I am supposed to close on the new house this Thursday, if things going as planned (it's already been delayed once), and am already starting to pack things up at the old place. I felt kind of energized by that process over the weekend, even as it made me sad as I remembered unpacking in what seems like such as short time ago, with such hope for the future.

 

I don't have that same feeling of hope for the future that I had then, it's more of just a "let's get this over with" kind of feeling I have right now. But I am sure that could change.

 

It'll feel better once you're actually in your new space. Your body is probably resisting as your current house represents the last hope that your wife will return. Change tends to bring things that are buried to the surface.

 

I would insist on time with your daughter on her birthday. Tell your wife it doesn't matter if it's in the morning or at night that you need to spend time with her.

 

I am also purging my house and trying to simplify. I have art on the walls that he gave me. I love it but it also reminds me of him. Do I get rid of it? Or do I just hope one day that it gets easier?

[KBarletta]

I am also purging my house and trying to simplify. I have art on the walls that he gave me. I love it but it also reminds me of him. Do I get rid of it? Or do I just hope one day that it gets easier?

 

I would do whatever makes you feel better. Would you come to regret getting rid of it, you think? If so, you can always pack it in some cardboard and put it away until you feel differently.

 

I have a few pieces of art on my walls that remind me of her - including one really nice piece I bought for her spontaneously one day, the last thing I ever gave her and one of the few things that was hers that she did not take with her. I have left it hanging on the wall, but it is one of the very few things like that that I didn't box up and put in the basement. I am not sure if I will ever unpack the rest of the stuff I have that reminds me of her because it is still so painful to even think about that box, even though I haven't even looked in it since the day she left. I suspect it will stay packed for a long, long time.

 

I know it will get easier, for both of us. I think I am just being impatient because I thought it would already be easier by now, and like I said I am feeling stuck. Over the weekend I had dreams about her and woke up thinking about her every morning for several days. I don't suspect she is dreaming of me or even thinking much of me, which makes it worse.

[Esraem]

KB,

 

You may be surprised. My STBXW moved Memorial Day weekend and this weekend was her first visitation. I tried to have as minimal contact as possible but before she left she was already asking how I and a lady I have been talking to are doing. Took me a bit off guard as I expected it but a few more weeks down the line before I saw the breadcrumbs. Believe me she is thinking of you.

[chew123]

KB,

 

First of all enjoy Florida.

 

The moving is a big trigger for me also. i am hardly taking anything with me but while my ex is on vacation I am cleaning the house, selling stuff etc. Even though my son is here and my apt is 30 min away i still won't stay in the house anymore. Too many memories.

 

Once you get settled in your new place I suspect you will take a big step forward. Like you said, its not linear.

[81West]

I wanted to offer another perspective on your daughter's upcoming birthday.

 

I'm 48 years old, and I still love it when when my birthday spills over into the next day or week because a card or a gift has arrived late, or somebody wasn't available in the way they wanted to be on the day etc. It's essentially a nice little extension of that sense of being loved and important to the people in your life that birthdays or other personal celebrations can bring.

 

And as kids adjust to the changes that separation and divorce bring perhaps one of the few immediate rewards for them is the doubling up of one-on-one attention and special days. Two Christmases, two birthdays etc. Double the focused time, double the love on these special occasions. If you think of this occasion from her perspective it might take away from her day to have it fractured and shared between two parents. The other option is for her to be princess for a day with her mom, and then princess for a day all over again with you and your family the next day. There are ways you can be involved from a distance on her actual day - a phone call and perhaps a small day-of gift you can leave with her as a prelude to your big event the next day.

 

I empathize so much with your sense of insecurity as the non-biological dad and know how unfair it is. But if you were a pair of more typical divorced parents you would probably switch the special days annually rather than perpetually split them. Christmas Eve this year, Christmas Day next year etc. etc. etc. Perhaps rather than asking your wife for time on her birthday this year you can ask if she would agree to let you have her on her birthday next year.

 

The DATE doesn't matter.. the day does. The time you spend matters. Her sense of being securely loved matters. That can all happen on a wonderful day-after-her-birthday birthday.

Edited June 2, 2015 by 81West

[KBarletta]

Thanks 81West. That is a helpful narrative. I am leaning toward doing exactly as you suggest, asking for a little extra time the day before and the day after her birthday and ceding the actual day to my wife as she has already kind of demanded. Honestly, I have to pick my battles carefully here and I'm not sure this one should be at the top of the list, especially given what you have reminded me here.

 

I am thinking of asking my daughter just kind of casually to make sure she's not going to be hurt by not seeing me that day and telling her that we'll celebrate twice. I think she will be OK with it, but I want to be very clear with her that I am not ignoring her and if I don't see her that day it's not because I didn't want to see her. The last thing I want is for her to feel neglected because I didn't fight to have some time with her. But I don't want her to feel pulled in too many directions either.

[81West]

It's funny...I actually wanted to respond to your situation yesterday. I was sitting in a ServiceOntario office waiting to get a new license plate sticker and had a post half formulated on my phone when they called my number and I ended up poofing my post when I stuck my phone back in my purse. But in that first crack at it I had the idea you expressed today: pick your battles wisely. Needless to say then, I agree.

 

It's great that you have time in this instance to settle emotionally and formulate your approach. Kids are so much smarter and more perceptive in these situations than we give them credit for. For that reason you might want to avoid even a hint of parental discord or personal sadness on this issue with your daughter. Perhaps the kindest thing you can do for her is to not allow an ounce of this to be carried on her shoulders. Your tension and sadness and resentment may leak out without either of you even being aware in any kind of conversation that seeks to communicate that you aren't seeing her on her birthday, but not because you don't want to, not because you wouldn't choose to. A sensitive child will feel that somewhere as guilt, whether consciously or not. Another approach is just an enthusiastic and warm communication of the fact that while you don't have her on her birthday, you've got her on the day before and after. It's a birthday sandwich! Who doesn't want a birthday sandwich! It communicates that the adults have this one, you're OK, and she doesn't have to worry about a thing but being a happy kid.

[kenmore]

Hey KB, glad you are still getting some visitations. Not only did my wife tell me to leave them both alone and no I can't see my SD, but in order to get my fees temporarily waived by the court, I had to file a (this is priceless) "APPLICATION TO SET ASIDE ORDER TO PAY WAIVED COURT FEES." The initial paper was to waive the fees, then the court ordered me to pay them after six months, now I have to file this appeal to have them temporarily we-waived. Of course the court requires I send a copy to my wife...

 

So after no contact for almost a month after her telling me to "lose her number", she contacts me to ask me "What do you want me to pay for now, WTF!" I don't want her to pay for anything, in fact I have gone out of my way all along in this divorce to make sure she kept everything of hers with no fights, and I resented the implication. My response was "I'll tell you WTF, you're being a b**ch! I have gone out of my way for you during this divorce and you have the nerve to say that? Bite me!" Then I turned my phone off lest I say something I'll regret.

 

I had thought "lose my number" would be the last words exchanged between us, now I'm thinking "bite me" may be. I'm kinda liking the latter because I finally have the last word. No, I'll never see my SD again as far as I can see.

 

You have it pretty good my friend. It can be so much worse, don't worry too much about things like who tells your SD something first. Just cherish the time you get with her. Your wife seems so much more rational than mine at the moment!

 

Ken

[KBarletta]

It's funny...I actually wanted to respond to your situation yesterday. I was sitting in a ServiceOntario office waiting to get a new license plate sticker and had a post half formulated on my phone when they called my number and I ended up poofing my post when I stuck my phone back in my purse. But in that first crack at it I had the idea you expressed today: pick your battles wisely. Needless to say then, I agree.

 

It's great that you have time in this instance to settle emotionally and formulate your approach. Kids are so much smarter and more perceptive in these situations than we give them credit for. For that reason you might want to avoid even a hint of parental discord or personal sadness on this issue with your daughter. Perhaps the kindest thing you can do for her is to not allow an ounce of this to be carried on her shoulders. Your tension and sadness and resentment may leak out without either of you even being aware in any kind of conversation that seeks to communicate that you aren't seeing her on her birthday, but not because you don't want to, not because you wouldn't choose to. A sensitive child will feel that somewhere as guilt, whether consciously or not. Another approach is just an enthusiastic and warm communication of the fact that while you don't have her on her birthday, you've got her on the day before and after. It's a birthday sandwich! Who doesn't want a birthday sandwich! It communicates that the adults have this one, you're OK, and she doesn't have to worry about a thing but being a happy kid.

 

Wise words. Thank you. I have proposed to my wife that our daughter spend the day before and the day after my daughter's birthday with me. We'll see how that goes. I have tried very hard not to be argumentative on any point during this process, even though I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick in some cases. I am going to try to simply make the best of every situation and make sure our time together is as good as it can be. Everything else is out of my control.

 

Accept the things I cannot change ... change the things I can. ... and know the difference ... :-)

[KBarletta]

Hey KB, glad you are still getting some visitations. Not only did my wife tell me to leave them both alone and no I can't see my SD, but in order to get my fees temporarily waived by the court, I had to file a (this is priceless) "APPLICATION TO SET ASIDE ORDER TO PAY WAIVED COURT FEES." The initial paper was to waive the fees, then the court ordered me to pay them after six months, now I have to file this appeal to have them temporarily we-waived. Of course the court requires I send a copy to my wife...

 

So after no contact for almost a month after her telling me to "lose her number", she contacts me to ask me "What do you want me to pay for now, WTF!" I don't want her to pay for anything, in fact I have gone out of my way all along in this divorce to make sure she kept everything of hers with no fights, and I resented the implication. My response was "I'll tell you WTF, you're being a b**ch! I have gone out of my way for you during this divorce and you have the nerve to say that? Bite me!" Then I turned my phone off lest I say something I'll regret.

 

I had thought "lose my number" would be the last words exchanged between us, now I'm thinking "bite me" may be. I'm kinda liking the latter because I finally have the last word. No, I'll never see my SD again as far as I can see.

 

You have it pretty good my friend. It can be so much worse, don't worry too much about things like who tells your SD something first. Just cherish the time you get with her. Your wife seems so much more rational than mine at the moment!

 

Ken

 

I am so sorry Ken. I know it's a double whammy when you can't see your SD - it's like you've lost two people instead of just one. Also, this kind of hard line behavior by your wife is only hurting your SD, in my opinion. My wife has been rational only when it comes to our daughter because at least she realizes that depriving her of spending time with me would hurt our daughter as much as it would hurt me, and that is not worth it. Your ExW is being very selfish if you ask me, using SD as a pawn in some kind of bitter revenge game against you. Sad. My sympathies, man.

[KBarletta]

It's a birthday sandwich! Who doesn't want a birthday sandwich!

 

Birthday sandwich begins tonight, continues Monday! I am determined to make this a fun weekend for us. Thanks everyone for all of your advice all along the way. I honestly am not sure how I would be doing this if I didn't have this forum to both express myself to, and to receive advice and inspiration from.

 

The other night was my daughter's "graduation" from junior high school. I saw my wife but did not engage in conversation. All I got from her was a barely audible "hey" as she stood next to me briefly while we sat in the auditorium. I couldn't even look her in the eye because it would only make me feel worse. I get the sense that she thinks that my lack of engagement with her on anything but the essential issues is my way of "punishing" her for what has happened, but the fact is that it is just my way of protecting myself from more heartache.

 

My in laws were there and seemed to act as if nothing had happened between us. I was polite but did not really engage them in much conversation either. Just too painful. I got to see my daughter, congratulate her, tell her how proud I was and how much I loved her and that was all that mattered.

 

On an unrelated note, I saw my wife walking by and noticed that she had visibly put on weight in the past six months. This only made me feel more sorry about the whole situation.

[81West]

GREAT news on the birthday plans! Hope you guys have lots of fun and that your daughter feels loved and special on her birthday sandwich.

 

On the rest of it, glad you made it through and found joy in the purpose of the evening despite the hard bits. It will not always feel this way. In a strange way it is bittersweet to acknowledge that everything fades eventually. Many years ago on this forum in state of deep heartbreak I once said that I wasn't worried that I wouldn't get over the person I was posting about, that I was sad that I would. In a way these tattered remnants of feelings you still have are beautiful in that they are the waning of a specific love that will some day be unreachable to you. Like the birthday sandwich, it's just another way to look at things. The pain will be gone someday, but so will the love and active connection to your wife. If the pain is going to be here anyway, we may as well recognize the beauty in its impermanence.

[darkbloom]

 

On an unrelated note, I saw my wife walking by and noticed that she had visibly put on weight in the past six months. This only made me feel more sorry about the whole situation.

 

There is justice in this world.

[KBarletta]

There is justice in this world.

 

Maybe. But the truth is, despite my pain, I don't wish any pain or ill will toward her. I still love her. At least, I love who she was. I don't know who she *is* anymore, so I can't say what I think of that person. But she is still my wife and I wish so much that things were different between us. My heart aches every time I think of her. And - truth be told - knowing that she is putting on weight and that our situation is a likely reason why only makes my heart ache more. Stupid, I know, but I can't help it.

[chew123]

KB,

 

I am trying to be more like you in this regard. You have the right attitude. My wife has gained weight also and honestly often looks frumpy, although I suspect she looks better for OM. She also seems unhappy according to my son. Its tough to watch a loved one or former loved one make bad choices and deteriorate.

 

And we shouldn't wish ill towards them , even though it is hard not to. Not good for any of us.

 

Its not stupid, it is kind that you still care about your wife.