The Ups and Downs

[KBarletta]

Our friends are always nudging us to be closer but we are both happy the way things are.

 

If your friends are like mine, they most likely mean well but don't understand exactly WHY you need things to be the way they are right now. My friends just don't really get exactly what I need from a relationship at this point. This woman gives me EXACTLY what I need right now. That is why this is working out so well so far. I agree with you - if either of us pushed this into something too much too soon we could ruin it. I intend for this relationship to last, either as a close friendship or something more, for a lifetime. So I intend to be very careful with how I handle it.

[KBarletta]

Happy New Year, LS friends.

 

I am happy to report that my daughter and I had a pretty good holiday season, all things considered, infinitely better than a year earlier when I wanted to curl up into a ball and just sob until it was over.

 

I am also happy to report I am still talking/texting/emailing every day with my new "friend," and it has been going extremely well. I am beginning to think that the way this played out, us meeting and having this long-distance connection, couldn't have worked out any better. It has allowed us to build something that feels real rather than forcing something to happen. We talk to each other because we want to, not because we feel any obligation, or because we are trying to get each other into bed, or some other ulterior motive. It feels completely organic and authentic, which is a very welcome feeling.

 

I still had moments over the holidays when I looked around, thought of my ex, and wondered how the hell I ended up here. I still have moments where I feel completely alone and feel like I might be forever. And still moments when I absolutely hate my ex for how this all transpired. But those moments don't come nearly as often as they used to, and when they do, I make sure they pass quickly.

 

I guess my message to anyone reading this who is new to LS, who is just beginning this truly difficult journey, is that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I am not through the tunnel yet, not by a long shot, but I can SEE the light, I know it is there and I am filled with hope and optimism.

 

And you will be too. It will just take time, and an open heart and and an open mind (which also will come with time - you can't force them either). Hang in there, friends!

 

KTB

Edited January 7, 2016 by KBarletta

[KBarletta]

Hi again all,

 

I have what I guess amounts to a question for those of you who have gone through divorces after a long time together (my wife and I have been together for more than 12 years overall.)

 

My D is about to be final in a matter of days (after a few delays due to some since-resolved disagreements), and I am starting to really feel the finality of it all and it's hitting me hard.

 

Things are still progressing nicely with my new female friend, and I don't have any real desire to reconcile with my wife, but recently things between us have gotten downright angry and bitter, and it has really made me feel a level of sadness and hurt that I haven't felt for while.

 

While I have definitely moved on with my life (new home, new woman, etc.), and I am generally quite happy, I feel like the day may never come when I don't feel some level of anger or mistrust or bitterness (or a combination of all three I guess) toward my wife.

 

Mind you, I don't feel this way all the time, and it isn't as if it's eating away at me, but I have a very hard time thinking about anything to do with our relationship without that bitterness being the predominant response. So, honestly, I just don't think about it.

 

It's been 14 months, and I am afraid that is going to be my go-to response to her forever.

[chew123]

KB,

 

I am 17 months in. I no longer feel much anger towards my wife. The only feelings I have for towards her is a little sadness and pity. The anger seemed to dissipate over the holidays.

 

Though she blindsided me with the cheating, the divorce itself was smooth and amicable except for a few minor glitches. And my relationship with my son has probably improved if anything. This has made it easier to let go of any anger I have left.

 

Hopefully once you get the divorce finalized you can replace the anger with ambivalence. That is where I hope to get to eventually. They will always be in our lives since we share children, it would be best if we were not triggered whenever we see them.

 

I really do think I am close and it sounds like you are also. As an example I spent 3 hours at a party for a friend of ours who passed away this weekend. She was a bit of an outcast and mostly followed me around and talked with me for an hour or so before she left. I introduced her to many people as my ex wife. It was actually nice to hang with her a bit and I felt no anger at all. Just a twinge of sadness over what we lost.

 

Glad you had a good holiday and nice to hear things are going well with your friend. You are pretty far along. Soon the ex will be firmly in your rearview mirror.

[KBarletta]

KB,

 

I am 17 months in. I no longer feel much anger towards my wife. The only feelings I have for towards her is a little sadness and pity. The anger seemed to dissipate over the holidays.

 

Though she blindsided me with the cheating, the divorce itself was smooth and amicable except for a few minor glitches. And my relationship with my son has probably improved if anything. This has made it easier to let go of any anger I have left.

 

Hopefully once you get the divorce finalized you can replace the anger with ambivalence. That is where I hope to get to eventually. They will always be in our lives since we share children, it would be best if we were not triggered whenever we see them.

 

I really do think I am close and it sounds like you are also. As an example I spent 3 hours at a party for a friend of ours who passed away this weekend. She was a bit of an outcast and mostly followed me around and talked with me for an hour or so before she left. I introduced her to many people as my ex wife. It was actually nice to hang with her a bit and I felt no anger at all. Just a twinge of sadness over what we lost.

 

Glad you had a good holiday and nice to hear things are going well with your friend. You are pretty far along. Soon the ex will be firmly in your rearview mirror.

 

 

Thanks chew.

 

In my head, I know you are right. That it will just take time. And some day it will barely register. The trouble, I think, for me stems from the fact that my wife seems incredibly angry toward me, when I really did nothing to cause this to happen. All I have done is react to circumstances that have been beyond my control, circumstances that she initiated of her own choice. But she really seems to hate me right now. My bitterness is actually a product of hers, toward me. And when I think about the fact that I am being made out (in her head) as the bad guy, it makes me more upset.

 

Maybe that is normal. Maybe that is what a cheater does to avoid their own guilt when they know they have wronged you? I don't know. I do know that I don't want to be made to feel guilty for this when I didn't ask for it or do anything to bring it about. I am not saying I am 100 percent blameless, but I am saying that if there's a "bad guy" here, it's certainly not me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe that is normal. Maybe that is what a cheater does to avoid their own guilt when they know they have wronged you? I don't know.

 

Think you hit the nail on the head, it was the same way for my ex-wife. If she's divorcing you, you must be a bad guy, right? And if you're a bad guy, you must have wronged her. So it follows if you wronged her, she has a right to be angry with you. Revisionist history at its best.

 

I do know that I don't want to be made to feel guilty for this when I didn't ask for it or do anything to bring it about.

 

Nobody can make you feel any emotion you don't allow yourself to indulge in. Sounds like you're doing great, full steam ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

Thanks for the replies. They are helpful, and correct. I think her anger, and my discomfort with it, as well as a good bit of my own anger, are also made worse by the fact that we are now sitting here counting down the days on our fingers until the D is final and there is no longer a marriage here to mourn.

 

Much like the death of a terminally ill loved one, I knew this day was coming for a long time, but it still hits hard when it finally comes. And, despite the fact that I am doing great and feeling good about what is on the horizon, I still have a part of me that is deeply saddened by the loss of my marriage and the loss of the connection I had to this woman who at one time (for a decade or more) was the central figure in my life. That sadness doesn't overwhelm me, but it's still in there, and can be intense when it hits me.

[KBarletta]

Hello again, LS friends. I am here to report that my D is final (finally).

 

It was two weeks ago, but I hadn't posted anything until now. I admit that when I got a copy of the decree and read it, it broke my heart a little bit. I never wanted to be divorced (still don't), but I also wouldn't want to go back to my wife if she showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, either. So I guess I should be happy. It's still hard, though, when I look back on the good times that we had, to think that it ended like this. I am still a bit heartsick about the whole thing, and still miss my old life.

 

BUT ... life goes on. In two weeks, I will be heading off to visit my "new friend" for the first time since we met, out of the blue, in an airport bar. I admit that I am incredibly excited about it. I think we both are. We've been in touch nearly every day for the past three months, and it has been wonderful to build a new friendship like this. I wasn't even sure if such a thing was possible at my age, to feel this way about someone and to be this excited at the prospect of just spending time with them.

 

So I guess my message for today is that while I am sad about what has ended, I am really excited about what is in front of me. Life goes on.

 

I should also say thank you to everyone here who helped me get to this day. Like I said, it wasn't something I ever wanted, but if it wasn't for this community of people, it would have been 10 times harder to go through this. I plan on sticking around and trying to help other people in my same shoes and provide updates once in a while.

 

Hang in there, everyone.

 

KTB

[ProdigalMe]

Your thread was really helpful. I'm about 6 months behind you. I expect my divorce decree to be handed down some time in September (we haven't filed yet, but we plan to soon).

 

I have the same peaks and valleys that you experienced, although right now my valleys are deeper than my peaks are high. I'm occasionally mildly optimistic and content, which can be followed immediately by a longer-lasting, almost debilitating mournfulness.

 

I don't want any of this, but I have to take it, like bitter medicine. I'm patiently waiting for the day when the peaks are much higher than the valleys are low.

 

I'm glad you met someone and that you have your eyes on the future as much as you have them on the past; it gives us hope.

 

Maybe some day you won't even look back, at least not with anger.

 

Best of luck to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well.

[KBarletta]

Maybe some day you won't even look back, at least not with anger.

 

I know I will always look back, because I do that with everything, but you are correct that it will not always be in anger (I hope).

 

I had to very serious long-term relationships before I got married with women I *could* have married. They both ended badly, and I was the dumper in both cases, even though my actions were precipitated at least in one case by physical abuse and emotional mistreatment from my GF. And in the other case, I ended up dumping and then seeking reconciliation a few weeks later and getting rejected.

 

BUT ... in both cases I now look back and, even in the case where there was abuse and angry confrontation, I still have some fond memories, and the bitterness has almost completely faded. So I know that will eventually happen with my ExW.

 

 

As for you, PM, I would just give you this advice right now: Keep an open mind, and an open heart in all of your interactions because, if there is one thing I learned in meeting my new friend, it is that the best thing that ever happened to you can come COMPLETELY out of nowhere and hit you when you least expect it, so be ready. I wouldn't promise that it will happen tomorrow, but I will tell you that if you aren't open to whatever happens, then nothing will.

 

I wish you luck, and I look forward to hearing more from you!

[chew123]

KB,

 

Congrats on finalizing the divorce. It is a big milestone. And I feel the same as you. Even if my ex came begging, at this point I realize we definitely have a different value system and wouldn't even consider it. And it is not that they dumped us, it is the way that they went about it.

 

And have a great time with your new friend. Go into it with an open heart and trust. I have done the same and even though it has not worked out exactly how I thought it would it has been fun. Welcome to unplanned bachelorhood. It is pretty exciting to have a wide open horizon.

[TextnHate]

As happy as I am for you moving on this makes me kinda sad at the same time. My wife and I are three and half weeks into our separation. We are still living together till April 1st. She already has a new boyfriend and its the most soul destructive situation I have ever faced. Having to hear those stupid dings from him texting her all night chisp away at my heart. You are on one year into it and still feel sad at times. Seems like this road is never going to end. I miss talking to my wife about work, snuggling with her in our bed, just all the good stuff that comes with marriage. In the end my friends im happy you are moving on, just seems so long.

[KBarletta]

As happy as I am for you moving on this makes me kinda sad at the same time. My wife and I are three and half weeks into our separation. We are still living together till April 1st. She already has a new boyfriend and its the most soul destructive situation I have ever faced. Having to hear those stupid dings from him texting her all night chisp away at my heart. You are on one year into it and still feel sad at times. Seems like this road is never going to end. I miss talking to my wife about work, snuggling with her in our bed, just all the good stuff that comes with marriage. In the end my friends im happy you are moving on, just seems so long.

 

TnH,

 

Welcome to LS, and I am sorry to hear you are going through this. The first days/weeks are the hardest, but hang in there, take care of yourself and you will get through this and be a better person for it, trust me.

 

The fact that you are still living with your ex while she is communicating with a new guy sounds absolutely awful and is something I never had to experience. I feel for you. But if I were you, I would try to spend as little time as possible around her or in the house even, so you don't have to experience those feelings. Remember, your life is YOUR life now, and you have a right to distance yourself from that heartbreak if you choose to. If you need earplugs so you don't hear the phone dinging, use them. If you need to sleep in a different part of the house so you don't have to be reminded of what you lost every day, do it. It's only for another month or so anyway, so do what you need to do to start the healing process.

 

I know your original thread said you have a 2 year old, so that complicates things - my daughter was a teenager by the time my wife and I split. But I will give you some advice and some things that helped me, especially early on:

 

1. Talk to a lawyer ASAP, get divorce papers prepared and do everything in your power to protetct yourself and your relationship with your child.

 

2. Go to absolutely minimal contact with your wife except as it relates to essential conversations regarding the divorce and your child. Nothing else.

 

3. Make an appointment for individual counseling for yourself. Sometimes this is covered by insurance, and sometimes you can even find group counseling sessions for people going through divorces. Whatever the venue, find a place/person you trust where you can talk through your feelings. It will help.

 

4. Focus on your child. Spend as much time as possible with him and be there for him as often as possible. Make arrangements so that you and your wife each have time with him.

 

5. When you have time to yourself, fill it with things to do. Hobbies you never got to try, spend time with friends, take a class, exercise, get a pet, whatever it takes so that you aren't sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Myself, I started taking piano lessons and practicing gourmet cooking. (Both of which also have paid off in other ways, because women love dudes who can cook and play music for them - trust me.)

 

Hang in there, and I wish you luck.

[KBarletta]

KB,

 

Congrats on finalizing the divorce. It is a big milestone. And I feel the same as you. Even if my ex came begging, at this point I realize we definitely have a different value system and wouldn't even consider it. And it is not that they dumped us, it is the way that they went about it.

 

And have a great time with your new friend. Go into it with an open heart and trust. I have done the same and even though it has not worked out exactly how I thought it would it has been fun. Welcome to unplanned bachelorhood. It is pretty exciting to have a wide open horizon.

 

Thanks chew. Much appreciated. I do look forward to the wide open road ahead.

 

To be honest, the ONLY thing that I miss about my exW at this point is physical, just having her there physically. All of the other things, emotional connection, friendship, humor, a person to confide in, etc., my new friend has filled all of those voids, and then some. But she is thousands of miles away. So that physical presence (sex, and other things, just having someone to hold hands with, hold onto at night, etc.) is the one thing I wish I still had and don't. It's not like I am sitting up at night missing that aspect of it, but it is definitely a missing piece right now that I wish I had.

[KBarletta]

Hello again LS friends,

 

Now that the D is final, there isn't a lot of news to report, but every once in a while an update is necessary.

 

This past weekend, I traveled to visit my new friend for several days, which was wonderful. We got along great, determined that the chemistry we had on the phone/text/e-mails translated perfectly when we were face to face. It was great.

 

But it was of course only for a few (admittedly awesome) days and then it was back to reality. And it actually made me miss her even more once I got home and really wish we were in the same place for more than a few days at a time. But given the distance (thousands of miles), our responsibilities at our jobs, and the cost of traveling that far, it's just not feasible for us to be together for more than a few days every few months. That's not exactly the basis for a long-term future.

 

But still, we've settled back into our previous routine of talking/emailing/texting every day, and I don't see that stopping any time soon.

 

I guess I worry that eventually one of us is going to meet someone else (more likely her, because she has less personal baggage at the moment, and on top of that is young and gorgeous) and that person will want us to put an end to our thing. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but it's a worry that lingers behind all of this.

 

Still, I am enjoying this moment for what it is, and the fact that I am thinking 99 percent of the time about her rather than my ex wife and what she is up to - that in itself is a victory and is worth celebrating!

 

KTB

[ProdigalMe]

Thanks for the update.

 

Gives the rest of us hope.

 

The unknown future makes us all a bit nervous.

 

Here's a certainty you can relish: your Ex occupies less and less of your headspace. Enjoy it!

[chew123]

KB,

 

Glad its working out with the new girl. As well as it can with the long distance stuff.

 

I actually found myself feeling the same about my friend with regards to worrying that she was going to meet someone else and dump me if I did not move fast enough to "lock her up". Honestly I think this is an indication that I am not ready to date. Rather then just enjoy it for what it is I spent time worrying that it would end and I would lose her. Rather needy and possessive of me, 2 things I never was before.

 

I definitely have some work to do before I am ready for a relationship.

 

Enjoy the ride with your friend, but be cautious with your heart. You have been through a lot.

[KBarletta]

KB,

 

Glad its working out with the new girl. As well as it can with the long distance stuff.

 

I actually found myself feeling the same about my friend with regards to worrying that she was going to meet someone else and dump me if I did not move fast enough to "lock her up". Honestly I think this is an indication that I am not ready to date. Rather then just enjoy it for what it is I spent time worrying that it would end and I would lose her. Rather needy and possessive of me, 2 things I never was before.

 

I definitely have some work to do before I am ready for a relationship.

 

Enjoy the ride with your friend, but be cautious with your heart. You have been through a lot.

 

Thanks chew- always good to hear your perspective. Honestly, I feel like I have developed a pretty good gauge of what I am ready for an whether someone is right for me. And honestly, I have a pretty high standard. My new friend has met every single one, most especially the level at which we trust each other. She checks off every single box on my mental list, except for proximity. ;-)

 

And there are a handful of other people in my vicinity who have expressed interest in me, but I don't feel the same level of comfort with them, and I know (at least right now) that it wouldn't work, no matter how much I might want it to. And - honestly - the fact that my new friend is so far away actually works in our favor because it means I don't have to be "on" every day, and the demands on me, emotionally, physically, mentally, for this "relationship" are lower than they would be if we were together every day.

 

So, in many ways, this is a perfect scenario. If only I didn't miss her so much, and crave that physical closeness. That is the only real downside.

[KBarletta]

Hello again all my LS friends. It's been a while so I figured I'd offer an update and some observations.

 

Things are much the same as they were the last time I posted (which I suppose is the reason I haven't given an update in a while). Still have a lovely long-distance thing with my new friend. All is well there, and we are actually planning more meet-ups for later this year and even discussing taking a trip for the winter holidays, which is great.

 

I'm planning another summer vacation with my daughter, which I am really looking forward to. Still working on getting my new home to the point that I want it to be (but I realize now that is a never-ending process, isn't it? This is the first time in a LONG time I am solely responsible for making decisions about my home (with input from my daughter of course) AND I have the money to do what I want with it, so it's very liberating.)

 

I did have one thought that I wanted to share after reading so many stories like mine on these boards - people who decide after quite a long time together that they just aren't happy. And, honestly, I have always been at my core a pretty happy person, in that it doesn't take too many external factors in my favor for me to just be content with what I have. But I wonder, are there people who are just, at their core, chronically dissatisfied with what they have and ALWAYS wanting something different? I just seem to see a common thread out there that, like me, people did noting really particularly wrong in their marriages, they know they weren't perfect (who is?) and people just strayed for whatever reason. And I wonder if some people, for better or worse, are just mentally programmed to always be looking for something better. Just a thought.

 

Best of luck to everyone reading this who is going through hard times. Here I sit, a year and a half into my ordeal, and I really love where I am right now. I have no relationship whatsoever with my ex (only child-related emails and texts), and I don't know if I ever will because every time I have to see her or hear her voice part of me relives the pain she caused me. But that is so rare that it barely happens at all anymore.

 

Best of luck to everyone, and hang in there.

 

 

KTB

[Conclude]

In the case of my wife's mother, I think you are right. Her mother has been divorced three times and married four.. This probably has to do with why my wife is currently contemplating divorce, even though she says she despises her mother. But I truly believe that some people have an utter grass is greener syndrome and they act on it impulsively.

 

I think with a 'normal' person you have the same thoughts, small thoughts in a relationship that you entertain but never act on. Things like "I'm just gonna pack my bags and call it quits" or "I could have an affair with this woman if I wanted to." But ultimately, these thoughts may be akin to harmless intrusive thoughts.

 

From what I can gather, it almost seems like an impulsive personality(maybe on the borderline or narcissistic personality disorder spectrum) has these same thoughts, but lacks the foresight to see the long term consequences of acting on these thoughts. Whatever the reason, it sucks for all involved.

[lil hoodlum]

Hello again all my LS friends. It's been a while so I figured I'd offer an update and some observations.

 

Things are much the same as they were the last time I posted (which I suppose is the reason I haven't given an update in a while). Still have a lovely long-distance thing with my new friend. All is well there, and we are actually planning more meet-ups for later this year and even discussing taking a trip for the winter holidays, which is great.

 

I'm planning another summer vacation with my daughter, which I am really looking forward to. Still working on getting my new home to the point that I want it to be (but I realize now that is a never-ending process, isn't it? This is the first time in a LONG time I am solely responsible for making decisions about my home (with input from my daughter of course) AND I have the money to do what I want with it, so it's very liberating.)

 

I did have one thought that I wanted to share after reading so many stories like mine on these boards - people who decide after quite a long time together that they just aren't happy. And, honestly, I have always been at my core a pretty happy person, in that it doesn't take too many external factors in my favor for me to just be content with what I have. But I wonder, are there people who are just, at their core, chronically dissatisfied with what they have and ALWAYS wanting something different? I just seem to see a common thread out there that, like me, people did noting really particularly wrong in their marriages, they know they weren't perfect (who is?) and people just strayed for whatever reason. And I wonder if some people, for better or worse, are just mentally programmed to always be looking for something better. Just a thought.

 

Best of luck to everyone reading this who is going through hard times. Here I sit, a year and a half into my ordeal, and I really love where I am right now. I have no relationship whatsoever with my ex (only child-related emails and texts), and I don't know if I ever will because every time I have to see her or hear her voice part of me relives the pain she caused me. But that is so rare that it barely happens at all anymore.

 

Best of luck to everyone, and hang in there.

 

 

KTB

 

 

I think what they mean to say is, "I'm not happy being with you."

That's the only thing I can really think of when someone just walks away from a good long-term relationship/marriage without even trying to address their issues.

[KBarletta]

Hi all,

 

It's been a while - I just wanted to offer a quick update.

 

Yesterday was Father's Day which was kind of like the best of times and the worst of times. I spent a good bit of time with my daughter and the rest of my family, which was awesome. My daughter is now 15 and we are closer than ever (which is not common for a teenager, I'm told).

 

But I also had to interact directly with my ex, which was less than awesome.

 

I've done my best to limit our in-person interactions to near-zero. But yesterday (thanks to her) we had to see each other. And my reaction to seeing her told me that I am still not 100 percent over her. In fact, I still have strong feelings for her. And I wish so much that I didn't.

 

She cheated, never admitted it, walked out on me without a word, and flatly refused to address our relationship, then proceeded to deflect blame for everything onto me. I've caught her in lies, her own family wanted nothing to do with her for the longest time. On a more superficial level (forgive me) she has gained weight and her hair has gone considerably gray. Let's just say she does not look good, compared to 18 months ago when we split.

 

Yet somehow I drove away from our encounter unable to stop thinking about her for a good while. I hadn't thought about her at all for the longest time, but this brief moment stuck with me. Once I got home and exchanged a few messages with my "friend" I felt better, but I am still not completely whole.

 

I share this as a way of saying that these things take time. For me, on the surface, everything is great. I love my new home, work is going well, things are progressing nicely with my new friend, my relationship with my daughter couldn't be better. But here I sit, a year and a half out from our separation, four months plus since our D, and a part of me is still in love with her. Maybe part of me always will be.

 

It was a minor setback, honestly, after a long, long road that recently has been filled with mostly very good things. But also just a word of caution - for those who question NC - stick to it as much as possible, because without it not only would I have taken longer to heal, but moments like the one I had yesterday would have constantly been ripping the scab off on my wound on a regular basis.

 

I wish you all the best. Hang in there friends!

 

KTB

Edited June 20, 2016 by KBarletta

[KBarletta]

A thought for the day:

 

I was thinking a lot today about how, for the past year and a half, I've been wondering when my life might get back to feeling "normal." Since D day, or the day my wife dropped her bombshell into my life, nothing has been the same.

 

Then, I was thinking about one of my favorite movies, "Tombstone" about Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday, where Wyatt says all he ever wanted to do was live a normal life and Doc says:

 

"There is no normal life. There's just life. Get on with it."

 

Something for all of us to remember once in a while, I guess.

[LukeRBetts]

Hey mate, there is no normal in reality, there is just a time when you were married and a time when you arnt. Your feelings for your ex will always be there to what extent, i guess it will vary for each person, they are part of your life and who you are now.

 

But look forward....keep building on who you are at this moment in time, and keep asking yourself what YOU want from life....

 

Keep on trucking mate...

[KBarletta]

Hey mate, there is no normal in reality, there is just a time when you were married and a time when you arnt. Your feelings for your ex will always be there to what extent, i guess it will vary for each person, they are part of your life and who you are now.

 

But look forward....keep building on who you are at this moment in time, and keep asking yourself what YOU want from life....

 

Keep on trucking mate...

 

Good advice. Thanks.

 

Besides the fact that there is no "normal" there is also no point, in my experience, where the grief "ends." It's more like, you absorb it, it becomes part of who you are, then you move on, but (at least in my experience), the grief and pain don't disappear for good. They fade, of course, and sometimes fade almost to the point where you can't see them hardly at all. But there are times - rare times thankfully especially recently - where an event or a remark or a sighting can trigger that pain and it comes back with a twinge again.

 

Moving on is never a linear process. You don't keep taking steps forward until one day you have suddenly climbed to the top. It's a back and forth, up and down process. Much like life itself.

 

Thanks for the comment, LRB.