rollercoaster love

[MPDuluth]

Ive been in a relationship since last November with a woman who i love dearly. Recently, we broke up. The situation is very complicated. I have spent some time reading these forums lately looking for answers but I thought it was time to tell my story and ask you all for help and advice.

 

The woman I am in love with is married with children. We have been continuing a secret relationship for months. It was difficult, but we were in love. We would work hard to see each other and remain in contact by using messaging apps. At about the 9 month mark, my gf started distancing herself. She never asked me for space. She didnt feel the need to. She and I fought over this a little bit because I had felt shut out amd she had felt like I was needy. I admitted to being a bit needy so I tried to back off a little. Her struggles continued and we backed off a little bit.

 

The first week of August her brother committed suicide. She was obviously very devastated about this. She had pushed her brother away because his life was a mess...After he committed suicide, her guilt seemed to overwhelm her. At first, she reached out to me. She talked to me about how she was feeling and thanked me for being so supportive. She said that she didnt know if she would still be here if it wasnt for me.

 

I tried to give her a sense of normalcy by talking to her in ways we always had while still being clear not to ignore her pain. But I could sense that she was becoming more distant. So I tried harder to get her attention and I let her know I was upset that she was not talking to me hardly at all. This was after about a week of having little contact. Then she told me that she can barely handle things at home and is realizing she cant handle anything more right now. She was sorry because she knows that this hurt me, but she asked me not to be upset bc it was not intentional. At first, I said its ok, I understand. But I didnt know exactly what she meant. For the next couple weeks, I continued sending her little notes saying I loved her and I was here if she needed to talk.

 

Things quickly took a wrong turn. She started fighting with me and saying I was not able to give her any kind of space. I was fighting her back by saying its really hard to just go away and unfair for her to expect me to just stop caring. We fought so much that it got to a point where she was deleting pictures of us together, returning items, and she was saying that she is uncomfortable leaving things hanging.

 

I still tried to convince her not to do this, because i love her and dont want to lose her. So I wrote her a long letter trying to take responsibility for the fighting and understanding her reasons for needing space. Then she told me that it bothers her that I continue to hold onto hope for the future.

 

I told her that we made dreams together. Big dreams to live and love together forever. I reminded her that she promised me that we would, and she said "Dont throw a promise in my face! Things change all the time. Thats life." She says its not realistic for us to be together forever. She said her love for me fades more each day that I push her...and that she is sad she got herself involved in such a mess and that she never would have gotten close to me if she had known i could be this way to someone i supposedly love. This infuriated me. I had only tried to show I cared about her. And I got upset that she kept pushing me away and insisting it was my fault!

 

One day i felt like we were growing closer together than ever, and the .ext day that same behavior i was doing was suddenly the cause for her love for me to be fading away. She says this has been beat to death enough and there is nothing more to say. She says it will be my fault if we never end up speaking again. So, I have had no contact with her for a week now. She made contact with me the other day, to tell me that she was doing a suicide awareness event which I had originally suggested to her. She just wanted to let me know that she had decided to do it. I replied saying it will be a great experience for her.

 

Im wondering if there really is no chance of us ever being together again? I find it impossible to accept that bc we are soulmates. She said we were a bit naive though. And she says there will be some things she will miss but sometimes that is not enough.

Is her grief distorting her feelings for me and the reason why this is happening? I like to think everything she said can be taken back when she begins to get her life back in order.

Edited November 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FusionCutter]

It's really simple. If you truly love Her. You gotta let her go.

[MPDuluth]

Why exactly?

[jellybean89]

Why exactly?

 

Because SHE asked you to! She has told you repeatedly you are too clingy, too needy and won't give her space. Most women find those traits repulsive and maybe she does too.

 

Leave her alone. Stop writing her long letters. Stop trying to get her to contact you. Stop trying to make her feel something she doesn't. Yes, feelings change - obviously hers have because of the death of her brother. She needs space from you.

 

Plus, the death may have driven her closer to her husband; which means there is no 'future' with you. Listen to what she is telling you TODAY, not something that was said months ago.

 

Let her go.

[MPDuluth]

Well, what you said makes sense. Im ashamed to say I have screwed things up with my behavior. I wasn't as understanding as I should have been. But I tried to make ammends to her for that.

And during our conversations she made it perfectly clear that this situation has made things between her and her husband much worse and she was never working things out with him..."not that its any of my business" in her words

[FusionCutter]

Well, what you said makes sense. Im ashamed to say I have screwed things up with my behavior. I wasn't as understanding as I should have been. But I tried to make ammends to her for that.

And during our conversations she made it perfectly clear that this situation has made things between her and her husband much worse and she was never working things out with him..."not that its any of my business" in her words

 

Concentrate on yourself, leave her alone. Fix up yourself. Do you want to major favor, she's giving you a lot of information. You need to listen to what she's saying to you. Let her figure out her own life and face up to her own issues. Clearly both of you have your own issues. Don't you think it's best if each of you worked on them alone?

 

Try to think of it like any continued contact actually hurts her. Clearly it does. You can't tell me that you care about it if you are hurting her.

[MPDuluth]

Ive been sticking to No contact now. Coming to this forum has been a step for me to seek answers without going to her.

 

I want to get out of my own way so she can be happy. Im upset for thinking I was helping. Its really hard when one week things are fine and then she flips a switch.

 

Accepting this for what it is...slowly. And trying to do right.

[MuddyRock]

This is not a normal healthy relationship so you cannot expect it to act like one. This was an affair, plain and simple. The MW was not as invested in the relationship as you. You were just a fantasy and an escape, while to you it was the real thing. You cannot go by words. Its very easy to say you want a future ect, but for 1 year she did nothing to get out of her relationship.

It sounds like the death of her brother shook her up and made her realize what she was screwing up at home. She has chosen her husband and is trying to manipulate you so you leave her alone, all the while making you the bad guy.

 

 

Soul mates, well, that is an entire other topic. As long as you cling to idea of soulmates your relationship is doomed. Many studies on this.

[MPDuluth]

She has not chosen her husband. She has chosen to take this time for herself. I know her relationship with her husband and its very complicated so she cannot just file for divorce.

If anything, the death of her brother made her realize that her life was too stressful so she needed to trim some fat.

Im paraphrasing her own words.

A secret relationship is very draining and stressful no matter how good it is. It requires time and energy that she doesnt have.

She would never manipulate me or intentionally hurt me.

Maybe I made it seem like all we did was fight, but we talked about her personal issues a lot and I have a good understanding of where she stands and why. I just have a hard time going from hero to zero.

[MuddyRock]

There is nothing complicated about it. If you want a divorce, you get one.

 

 

People divorce every day. Stay at home moms, people with 6 kids, people that are abused, people with no health insurance. If she loved you, she would be with you.

 

 

Your girl there is doing things that are very typical of a women who has chosen to stay with her husband. Like it or not that is what she has decided to do. If she wanted the time "for herself" she would move by herself. All you know is what she tells you. She lied to her husband, why is that so hard to think she lies to you?

 

 

She IS manipulating you, by making you believe that your actions are pushing her away. That's not what is going on. She is doing that to push you away because you are no fun anymore, the fantasy is too hard.

[MPDuluth]

Humor me then. What would you say to her?

[FusionCutter]

Well, what you said makes sense. Im ashamed to say I have screwed things up with my behavior. I wasn't as understanding as I should have been. But I tried to make ammends to her for that.

And during our conversations she made it perfectly clear that this situation has made things between her and her husband much worse and she was never working things out with him..."not that its any of my business" in her words

 

Humor me then. What would you say to her?

 

There's nothing more to say to her. Her actions show she's choosing her husband. Just butt out of her life and let things be. How else would you want to proceed? You obviously aren't happy about the situation. Instead of hoping for things to magically change and the solution to fall from the sky there's nothing more to say to her. Her marriage is none of your business and you're an interloper. Remove yourself from the situation if you care about her. Stop worrying about her and worry about yourself.

[whichwayisup]

The first week of August her brother committed suicide. She was obviously very devastated about this. She had pushed her brother away because his life was a mess...After he committed suicide, her guilt seemed to overwhelm her.

At first, she reached out to me. She talked to me about how she was feeling and thanked me for being so supportive. She said that she didnt know if she would still be here if it wasnt for me.

I tried to give her a sense of normalcy by talking to her in ways we always had while still being clear not to ignore her pain. But I could sense that she was becoming more distant. So I tried harder to get her attention and I let her know I was upset that she was not talking to me hardly at all. This was after about a week of having little contact.

Then she told me that she can barely handle things at home and is realizing she cant handle anything more right now. She was sorry because she knows that this hurt me, but she asked me not to be upset bc it was not intentional. At first, I said its ok, I understand. But I didnt know exactly what she meant.

 

What she meant was, she really needed space, to be alone and not have to invest in you and continue the A. She needed to grieve the loss of her brother, have time to adjust and cope with reality without him around anymore, and as you mentioned some guilt that they grew apart... When someone asks for that kind of space, you gotta respect their wishes.

 

For the next couple weeks, I continued sending her little notes saying I loved her and I was here if she needed to talk.

Things quickly took a wrong turn. She started fighting with me and saying I was not able to give her any kind of space. I was fighting her back by saying its really hard to just go away and unfair for her to expect me to just stop caring. We fought so much that it got to a point where she was deleting pictures of us together, returning items, and she was saying that she is uncomfortable leaving things hanging.

 

You made this about you when it never was. She needed that time alone. You made it worse by pushing her and causing her to react, hence the fighting. When someone is cornered and push past their emotional limit, stuff can get said that hurts, and obviously that's what happened.

I still tried to convince her not to do this, because i love her and dont want to lose her. So I wrote her a long letter trying to take responsibility for the fighting and understanding her reasons for needing space. Then she told me that it bothers her that I continue to hold onto hope for the future.

I told her that we made dreams together. Big dreams to live and love together forever. I reminded her that she promised me that we would, and she said "Dont throw a promise in my face! Things change all the time. Thats life."

 

Sadly by not giving her that time, she felt like she had no choice and she may have felt disrespected by you. Which is why the fighting and making this all about you pissed her off. She is right, life happens, things change. I'm sure she never thought when she got married and had children that one day she'd cheat on her husband.

 

The love you two shared was real but not strong enough to endure some rough times. That seems to be what has happened here. you weren't listening to her and instead you pushed her. Sorry if my reply isn't showing sympathy, I do feel for your pain and your hurt but right now you do need to stop and breathe... Take a break, get busy with some friends and focus on you and your life. Allow her space and let her contact you next. She will when she's ready to.

 

She said a lot of things, meant in the heat of the moment, but she knew deep down she could always get out of it. Any promises she made, she knew she was unable to keep because she is married and has a life with someone else.

 

She says its not realistic for us to be together forever. She said her love for me fades more each day that I push her...and that she is sad she got herself involved in such a mess and that she never would have gotten close to me if she had known i could be this way to someone i supposedly love.

This infuriated me. I had only tried to show I cared about her. And I got upset that she kept pushing me away and insisting it was my fault!

 

put yourself in her shoes. You lost someone dearly close to you, had nothing to give, you just wanted to be alone and have space. Then you have a girl pushing you, calling you, not listening to you, ignoring the request for some space. Wouldn't that piss you off? She knows you care about her, you didn't need to keep on telling her that.

 

Not knowing her as well as you may have thought you did, could be a factor in this. you've only seen the good times in an affair setting, not when real life hits and how she reacts, what she needs. Hope this makes sense.

 

One day i felt like we were growing closer together than ever, and the .ext day that same behavior i was doing was suddenly the cause for her love for me to be fading away. She says this has been beat to death enough and there is nothing more to say. She says it will be my fault if we never end up speaking again.

 

Don't bring this up again, she's fed up and due to her emotional state anyway, it's best to let this go.

So, I have had no contact with her for a week now. She made contact with me the other day, to tell me that she was doing a suicide awareness event which I had originally suggested to her. She just wanted to let me know that she had decided to do it. I replied saying it will be a great experience for her.

See? You backed off for a week and she contacted you.

 

Im wondering if there really is no chance of us ever being together again? I find it impossible to accept that bc we are soulmates. She said we were a bit naive though. And she says there will be some things she will miss but sometimes that is not enough.

Is her grief distorting her feelings for me and the reason why this is happening? I like to think everything she said can be taken back when she begins to get her life back in order.

 

Stop thinking of the future and what will or won't happen with you two. The soulmate,romance etc..etc.., just put that on hold. She needs that space so respect her wishes and give it to her. Stop trying to get her to invest in you right now, she has nothing to give. In time, she may realize what was said and feel real bad, reach out. Let her figure it out, leave it alone and if she brings it up, then "listen" to her.

 

Well, what you said makes sense. Im ashamed to say I have screwed things up with my behavior. I wasn't as understanding as I should have been. But I tried to make ammends to her for that.

And during our conversations she made it perfectly clear that this situation has made things between her and her husband much worse and she was never working things out with him..."not that its any of my business" in her words

 

To prove that you do 'get' it, stay in NC and allow her space, let her contact you first. don't be the one to reach out.

 

She has also realized having an affair has done damage in her marriage and what she feels towards her husband, ruining her family unit life. She may actually feel guilty and bad about that which is also why she wants space. Don't ask about her marriage, if you do she'll strike out at you - Already she's told you it's not your business.

 

She may or may not be connecting again with her H, she may or may not be telling you the truth. Time will tell...

 

Ive been sticking to No contact now. Coming to this forum has been a step for me to seek answers without going to her.

 

I want to get out of my own way so she can be happy. Im upset for thinking I was helping. Its really hard when one week things are fine and then she flips a switch.

 

Accepting this for what it is...slowly. And trying to do right.

 

DO focus on you and your life. Be good to yourself too. No more beating yourself up. Yeah you made some mistakes but let it go. Focus on work or whatever keeps you busy. Make others a high priority so you won't put her first anymore, no reason to rely on or contact her.

 

She has not chosen her husband. She has chosen to take this time for herself. I know her relationship with her husband and its very complicated so she cannot just file for divorce.

If anything, the death of her brother made her realize that her life was too stressful so she needed to trim some fat.

Im paraphrasing her own words.

A secret relationship is very draining and stressful no matter how good it is. It requires time and energy that she doesnt have.

She would never manipulate me or intentionally hurt me.

Maybe I made it seem like all we did was fight, but we talked about her personal issues a lot and I have a good understanding of where she stands and why. I just have a hard time going from hero to zero.

 

MM and MW lie! Fact! You have no idea the state of her marriage and she will tell you whatever she feels is right at the time to benefit herself. Selfishly of course.

 

She isn't meaning to hurt you maliciously but she has selfishly.

 

Don't believe every single thing she has told you.

 

She has lied to her husband for a long time, lived a life with him and the kids, and then had an affair with you. This woman IS good at lying, fact! DOn't fool yourself into thinking she'd never lie or omit truths from you.

[jellybean89]

Well, what you said makes sense. Im ashamed to say I have screwed things up with my behavior. I wasn't as understanding as I should have been. But I tried to make ammends to her for that.

And during our conversations she made it perfectly clear that this situation has made things between her and her husband much worse and she was never working things out with him..."not that its any of my business" in her words

 

YOU did nothing except get involved with a married woman. That is where you went wrong, as did she with getting involved with you. I don't know how old you two are, but it sounds like you are both 'young'. You also referred to her as your "girlfriend" in your original post...she isn't your girlfriend. She is a married woman you are having an affair with....big difference.

 

You do not know her marriage. You know what she has told you. Two very different things.

 

She has not chosen her husband. She has chosen to take this time for herself. I know her relationship with her husband and its very complicated so she cannot just file for divorce.

If anything, the death of her brother made her realize that her life was too stressful so she needed to trim some fat. Im paraphrasing her own words.

A secret relationship is very draining and stressful no matter how good it is. It requires time and energy that she doesnt have.

She would never manipulate me or intentionally hurt me.

Maybe I made it seem like all we did was fight, but we talked about her personal issues a lot and I have a good understanding of where she stands and why. I just have a hard time going from hero to zero.

 

I'm sorry to tell you - women manipulate men. Period. Started at a very young age. Women manipulate men at work, at school, in relationships, at stores, at the car place..everywhere.

 

Like I said above, you don't know her like you think you do. You definitely don't know her marriage. People who don't want out of their marriage use the excuse of "its complicated". bullsh*t. People divorce every single day - wealthy people, poor people, people with kids, people without kids. Quite frankly, the death of her brother would have made her run to an attorney if her marriage was as bad as you are implying...she would realize life is too short to put up with crap and she would do whatever is necessary to 'trim the fat' of her life, which would include a husband if she didn't want to be with him. Women are much more action orientated than men in that regard.

 

Instead of insisting that you know her and her marriage - realize there is a lot you don't know about. You've only been with her 9 months -- which in a 'normal' relationship doesn't even equal a week. She is only telling you what she feels you need to know/hear - you don't know her as well as her spouse does. Granted, he doesn't know that she is a liar and a cheat and doesn't know how to spell loyal - but she obviously isn't miserable enough to leave.

 

Close the door. Lock it. Grieve what you felt you had with her. Then move forward.

[MPDuluth]

Now I want to knock the door down and call bull***** on her!

I may have been the naive one to believe she was the angel she tried to make herself out to be.

But i do know one thing-once her husband got on her bad side with his drinking, it was over. She emotionally left him a long time ago. He is a smart guy...a licensed psychologist. So, he can play these games with her and know where the cracks in her concrete are.

But I just have to go mostly by text messages and the little time we spent together in person.

She never met with me to dump me, or even gave me a phone call. Things just spiralled down that way...but i had tried to stop and and let it wait but she pressed on, very determined and action oriented.

So im pissed now that she hasnt divorced her H yet. But for all I know the papers could be in the mail.

 

Meanwhile, i am feeling very confrontational.

[whichwayisup]

Now I want to knock the door down and call bull***** on her!

I may have been the naive one to believe she was the angel she tried to make herself out to be.

But i do know one thing-once her husband got on her bad side with his drinking, it was over. She emotionally left him a long time ago. He is a smart guy...a licensed psychologist. So, he can play these games with her and know where the cracks in her concrete are.

But I just have to go mostly by text messages and the little time we spent together in person.

She never met with me to dump me, or even gave me a phone call. Things just spiralled down that way...but i had tried to stop and and let it wait but she pressed on, very determined and action oriented.

So im pissed now that she hasnt divorced her H yet. But for all I know the papers could be in the mail.

 

Meanwhile, i am feeling very confrontational.

 

Hey, slow down. Breathe. Don't go off and knock on her door unless you want her husbands fist in your face.

 

You're far from a victim in this, you knew going in that she was married with kids, so it's not like she lied to you, told you she was single.

 

The papers are not in the mail. Please, respectfully see that she viewed this as an affair. You viewed it as something more, a future and a life with her.

 

Again, you only know what she's told you and who knows if any of it is true.

 

Best thing you can do now is focus on you and put her out of your head as best as you can.

[MuddyRock]

MPDULUTH, Im coming from the position of having been that women. When I was young I was your MW. Now I look back on that time as the biggest mistake of my life. Don't be her biggest mistake. I wish my AP would have said get out of my life. I would have fought it, but would have been relieved and it would have made everything easier. But he was much like you and clung and clawed to hang on. If he loved me selflessly he would have never started anything with me and vice versa. We said all that crap too, soulmates ect. It was all a bunch of bunk, spoken out of hormones and endorphins. It felt good, hell it felt GREAT. But when my husband put his foot down, I knew the fun wasn't the real love.

 

 

Im older now and look back like WTF was I thinking. I was 21 at the time, and my immature brain definitely had something to do with all that. I justified my behavior. I picked apart my husbands bad traits, I even MADE MANY THINGS UP. Yup, said he was abusive. Maybe a little because of his temper but not anything like I made it out to be. I didn't do these things out of malice. Its just what the brain does. Its a phenominal thing what the human brain will do to feel limerance.

12 years later we are still together as what you would call madhatters.

 

 

Get out while you can. Trust me she isn't leaving. And if she did, why would even want that crazy in your life? She will do the same to you if she doesn't grow up.

[MPDuluth]

Im very upset to be hearing this. I might sound like an jdiot, but I thought she really loved me. And I believed her every word.

[MPDuluth]

Her Mom even picked up on her feelings, before she and I got involved. She said, "K, i know youre in love with M."

 

I mean, everything felt so real to me. And we talked about a life together ALL THE TIME.

[Tinroof53]

Contacting now would just be disrespecting her further.

 

Get busy being so busy that you're tired and have no time to think of her.

[MPDuluth]

I feel incredibly mistreated seeing it from this perspective. And Im obviously not one to be pushed around or taken advantage of.

Maybe i just had my Love Goggles on and cant see this for what it really is. And I want to save my dignity.

[MPDuluth]

Who am I to talk about dignity, though right?

[MuddyRock]

She might really be feeling that she loves you right now. But the reality is, that the kind of love she feels is all just a big rush, a drug high. Real mature love is a different animal. If she had real mature love for you she would leave her husband.

Love in a marriage, takes work. It is a big mistake to think it all comes natural. It waxes and wanes. It isn't all the hormone highs like in the beginning. The mature love is what is really keeping her home. She is confused because she likes the high you give her, but does love her husband in that mature way. It is confusing to her because people nowadays are not taught about this, so she doesnt even know it. Today marriage is disposable because people think its all about the initial limerance and no work needs to be done. On top of all this, she is probably having actual mental issues to boot. Terrible combo for her. You really are just adding to her problems by being in her life. She isn't mentally stable enough to handle an affair.

 

 

Just out of curiousity, what is so complicated about her leaving him?

[MPDuluth]

Well maybe I would be doing her a solid if I stormed out of her life once and for all with a hail marry **** you im out. I dont know.

Maybe she is feeling like she loves me, and maybe distance will make the heart grow fonder and for her love to grow. Either way, i am way too emotional at this time to think about contacting her. Obviously this is all very fresh and I am like a sponge to suggestions from outsiders.

The complication is that she is in the process of adopting her deceased brothers two boys. One of the boys is being given special consideration because he requires social services and county funding. However, she has said that the county has approved her keeping both boys in the event of a divorce....at least thats what she said once.

[jellybean89]

Saving your dignity means going on with your life and putting this behind you.

 

Who knows if she 'loved' you -- we don't. We can only tell you from our perspective what we see. Your story is not unique -- so many cheaters use the "soul mates" line and future fake. It's what they do. They get you invested and then when they are done, they pull the plug and walk away. Better for you to find this out now, before wasting any more of your life on her.

 

Like I said, if she was serious about divorce, she would have started that already. Women do make their minds up quickly and then take action...granted there are women cowards and women who prey on men for their own selfish reasons. In your situation, from what you have written, I don't see a future with you and her; heck, I don't even see that she loves you. You do not treat people like crap if you love them. You do not ask people to sneak around and all that an affair involves if you love them. Love means you want the best for the other person; you want them happy. Affairs aren't happy. People in love bring out the best in each other. Additionally, love fades in time if it isn't nurtured and tended to. Everyone has 'loved' someone in their life (I assume) but as we grow and mature, what we once loved at 18 is not even remotely what we love at 30, 40, etc. In my experience, people in their 20's do the most changing and growing. By their 30's, they are more settled for the most part. Doesn't mean there aren't a whole crap ton of cheaters in their later years...older men seem to want to bag the young girls ... this forum alone can attest to that with so many of the MM who are cheating are in their 50's and older and their affair partners are in their 20's and 30's. Its really sad.

 

Affairs are selfish and soul destroying. She may have loved you at one time; but I don't think she feels that way anymore. And that's okay, as I said, people can and do stop loving others. It's part of life.

 

Closure comes from within YOU. Seeing her, having it out with her, whatever...it won't make it easier or hurt less. The best thing you can do is go live your life and put this affair behind you..and choose to never again engage in an affair with someone who is committed to someone else. you didn't lose your dignity - you went into the affair knowing she was married with kids. You knew she had a husband. None of us know their marriage - only they do - but I would bet she exaggerated a lot of the stuff she told you and I would bet it has never entered her head to divorce her spouse. She had you wrapped around her pinky and she used that to get her ego stroked and to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Let her go - for your own mental health and sanity.