rollercoaster love

[MPDuluth]

So if she is talking to the county about divorce doesnt that show she is pretty close to doing it? And i think her brothers death has delayed the process a bit.

On top of that they have three kids of their own.

She has been with this man 15 years...half her life. Maybe she just needed a spark in her life and that was me for a while but it stopped being fun.

[MPDuluth]

I was pissed off last week and I told her that "I dont appreciate being treated like an old toy."

[MuddyFootprints]

Well maybe I would be doing her a solid if I stormed out of her life once and for all with a hail marry **** you im out. I dont know.

Maybe she is feeling like she loves me, and maybe distance will make the heart grow fonder and for her love to grow. Either way, i am way too emotional at this time to think about contacting her. Obviously this is all very fresh and I am like a sponge to suggestions from outsiders.

The complication is that she is in the process of adopting her deceased brothers two boys. One of the boys is being given special consideration because he requires social services and county funding. However, she has said that the county has approved her keeping both boys in the event of a divorce....at least thats what she said once.

 

Yep, and, then never....ever...contact or respond to her again.

 

Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind.

[MuddyRock]

If she even talked to the county about divorce.

 

 

And no that means nothing. I am sure it was one of many questions she had.

 

 

Additionally, don't you think those kids have been through hell and back? They really could use and aunt an uncle together to support them through this.

 

 

You would have no problem at all raising those kids as your own, when they aren't even hers?

 

 

I think once you walk away from this, you will really wonder what you were thinking here.

 

 

IF she gets a divorce, you really should step away from her until that process is done anyway. its the healthy way to do it.

[MPDuluth]

We talked about that. She always said, those kids have a dad. They arent my responsibility.

[MPDuluth]

I always felt like i was the only one defending our love.

[MPDuluth]

Contacting now would just be disrespecting her further.

 

Get busy being so busy that you're tired and have no time to think of her.

 

Thats what she said to me before...she said she was too busy to even think about our relationship or having a conversation with me.

[MuddyRock]

We talked about that. She always said, those kids have a dad. They arent my responsibility.

 

If you end up marrying her, that is NOT true. It was nice of her to say that to you though, keeps the fantasy land nice and clean. She didn't want to tarnish it with her real life.

 

You were the only one defending her love? I think you are starting to see this for what it is now.

[MPDuluth]

So is she hiding behind her brothers death as an out of our relationship?

[MuddyRock]

Btw think a bit about the dynamics here. I know everyone is different but when women are upset they generally want ALOT of attention from loved ones. When my mom died I was in a daze but I always had time to talk or cuddle.

I think that may put your "love" a little more into perspective.

[MuddyRock]

So is she hiding behind her brothers death as an out of our relationship?

 

Probably a little. But only she knows.

Oftentimes when the relationship starts to get real, loses the fantasy fun, or when it gets too hard to hide, are when they want out. She has to focus on her brothers kids, her husband is probably really close with her right now. Maybe you are just a guilty pleasure now. The guilt and her real life are out weighing the fun. She doesn't outright end it because she still wants to get her fix (the good feelings from your attention). Maybe it's all just too stressful right now. Who knows. But bottom line is you are not her priority, not even close.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You met the MW when she was vulnerable. You thought you were helping her....all you did was help her add more complications to her life. She never addressed the issue/s in her marriage....she ran away instead.

 

When her brother died....it brought the "real" world into sharp focus. Being that she is someone who can/does not handle stress/conflict .....she had to prioritize her life. For self-preservation reasons she HAD to drop the things that were not as worthy to her life as a whole.

 

This is what your relationship meant to her.

 

Not many affairs go beyond...affair.

 

You have to look at your dynamic and see it for what it is. Do not put rose-coloured glasses on...and spin it into something it is not.

 

Focus on you....the only person you have control over and the only person that you can change. Stop trying to be a KISA to others....save yourself.

[jellybean89]

So if she is talking to the county about divorce doesnt that show she is pretty close to doing it? And i think her brothers death has delayed the process a bit.

On top of that they have three kids of their own.

She has been with this man 15 years...half her life. Maybe she just needed a spark in her life and that was me for a while but it stopped being fun.

 

So you are saying she is allegedly talking to the county about adopting her brothers kids AND a divorce? Come on, I don't buy that at all.

 

I don't know how much the county has to do with her becoming the legal guardian for her brother's kids...is the mother of the kids deceased also? Seems to me that there isn't much of a need for the county to be involved with all this - she has kids already so it isn't as if she is a single woman with no kids.

 

I think you need to accept that she isn't interested in continuing the affair at this time. Maybe later, when things settle down a bit. IF she comes sniffing around again to restart the affair, I hope you tell her to F off...unless you are content with just being an affair partner.

 

Take time for YOU - take the time now to refocus on things in your life you have pushed aside because of your involvement in the affair - friendships, home projects, etc. Time for you to look out for you. I encourage you to give up on any dreams of a life with her -- buddy, I don't see that happening at all, ever. Sorry.

 

If you end up marrying her,

Muddy, why are you even suggesting to him that he will end up with this woman? There is NOTHING in his posts that would even remotely suggest this!

[MuddyRock]

I was only using that as an example of why he needs to walk away from this craziness.

 

Basically by her saying that those kids aren't his problem, she is pointing out that he will never be more then an affair. She isn't even future faking very well!

[MPDuluth]

Ive been writing an email to her and im two seconds away from sending it.

[MPDuluth]

Im not sure though. Part of me wants to trust everything we have built together. Part of me knows that I am emotional and untrusting because Im hurt and I want her to know how much pain im in. Im very conflicted about this whole thing.

[MPDuluth]

When we met, she had admitted to kissing other guys recently while out of town away from her husband.

[MuddyRock]

Well now she is the category of serial cheater. That does make make a difference. So you now know she would cheat on you given any opputunity. She has serious that she needs to fix. I hope she starts i.c.

Where is the mother of her brothers kids?

[anika99]

What exactly have you built together? She has built her life with her family. Her marriage, her husband, her kids, her house, her finances, now her brothers kids. That's a full life she has and none of it was built with you. You two have secret meetings, hot sex, and pillow talk. That's a seriously tiny portion of her life and it's secret and built on fantasy, not her real life.

[MPDuluth]

What exactly have you built together? She has built her life with her family. Her marriage, her husband, her kids, her house, her finances, now her brothers kids. That's a full life she has and none of it was built with you. You two have secret meetings, hot sex, and pillow talk. That's a seriously tiny portion of her life and it's secret and built on fantasy, not her real life.

 

True, so true.

[whichwayisup]

The complication is that she is in the process of adopting her deceased brothers two boys. One of the boys is being given special consideration because he requires social services and county funding. However, she has said that the county has approved her keeping both boys in the event of a divorce....at least thats what she said once.

 

Reading this, respectfully I say, let her go. You have no place in her life. No way will her own kids accept you, let alone her family due to how you two got together. Don't even try to fight for her, she has a huge plate full now with adopting her nephews. You have no choice, please walk away...

 

Your eyes are more open now, you're reading other points of view and your blinders are coming off. What you truly believed is not what you thought.

[MPDuluth]

Probably a little. But only she knows.

Oftentimes when the relationship starts to get real, loses the fantasy fun, or when it gets too hard to hide, are when they want out. She has to focus on her brothers kids, her husband is probably really close with her right now. Maybe you are just a guilty pleasure now. The guilt and her real life are out weighing the fun. She doesn't outright end it because she still wants to get her fix (the good feelings from your attention). Maybe it's all just too stressful right now. Who knows. But bottom line is you are not her priority, not even close.

 

Her husband has been keeping a watchful eye over her lately because he is jealous of her talking to everyone but him basically. And honestly, i know how he feels. She is treating me like she always treated him. She is totally cut off emotionally and physically to me. So i guess the affair is over and I was misled the whole way. I feel like an idiot.

[whichwayisup]

Thats what she said to me before...she said she was too busy to even think about our relationship or having a conversation with me.

 

Painful reality check.

 

So is she hiding behind her brothers death as an out of our relationship?

 

Yes and how everything was handled..But, I think it sped things up, the end was going to happen eventually. Affairs don't last forever..

 

Ive been writing an email to her and im two seconds away from sending it.

 

DO NOT SEND IT! Write out but don't send it. You'll regret it because it's emotional and heated, she will glance at it and delete it. Right now she doesn't care enough, she is only thinking of herself. If you send an email with filled with your thoughts, pain and hurt it's just gonna push her away even more, she'll write you back with anger and may tell you to f off, or she'll ignore it. Either way you'll feel worse...Don't send it.

 

Im not sure though. Part of me wants to trust everything we have built together. Part of me knows that I am emotional and untrusting because Im hurt and I want her to know how much pain im in. Im very conflicted about this whole thing.

 

How can you trust a married woman who built a life with someone else for 15 years, has children and is about to adopt her nephews? Plans have changed, she (may have) was gonna divorce but now, no way that's gonna happen. Her husband is the kids uncle and he's been in their lives since they were born. Family is important and it is possible with the loss of her brother she now sees what she could have lost out on, her whole family unit and everything she's become accustomed to and has worked hard for. She lost her way and now she's had the wake up call, which is why she's backed off and more or less stepped out of the affair with you. She is hoping you'll accept that and let go of her.

 

Her husband has been keeping a watchful eye over her lately because he is jealous of her talking to everyone but him basically. And honestly, i know how he feels. She is treating me like she always treated him. She is totally cut off emotionally and physically to me. So i guess the affair is over and I was misled the whole way. I feel like an idiot.

 

Forgive her (in time) for making a selfish choice by having an affair with you. Forgive yourself for believing a MW with kids.

 

With that said, own your part in all this, you can't put it all on her.

 

And now you see you're not as special as you once thought. She treated her H like crap and I'm sure you never thought she'd do that to you. Well, she has and it's time for you to close the door, grieve and grieve... Get it out of your system as time goes on and move on. Rely on good friends to help you through this.

[MPDuluth]

I havent sent it yet.

But right now I dont care if i push her away even more. I have nothing left to lose.

 

I told her that loving her has taught me a lot but I was too blind to see exactly what that meant.

 

I feel cheated. Ugly. Used. Like I cant wash off this disgusting feeling or get over the distrust this puts inside of me for everyone else i will come to know.

 

This sucks.

[MPDuluth]

Actually I feel bad for her H, because he has accused her of chesting on him with me. And thats why he is so paranoid about it. She has always denied it because she wants to win the divorce. But she knows he is right.