rollercoaster love

[whichwayisup]

Re-evaluating her priorities-yes thats exactly right. But that has nothing to do with staying married to that guy. My money is on the fact that the divorce process is ramping up, based on our convos three weeks ago, and she is afraid of his intense pressure on her and him somehow getting proof of an affair.

So, what makes sense to.do?? End the affair and let the divorce go on with no contact to me as a precaution. And even though it wasnt discussed that way, I think when she is alone after the divorce is when she will want me back.

 

You're setting yourself up for a real fall here, not even considering the fact that she may be evaluating EVERYTHING and that includes staying married since she is adopting her brother's kids. They need stability and her whole family, yes including her husband KNOWS those kids well, so please for your own sake stop saying you know for sure what's what. you're not inside her head and you have absolutely NO control over what she chooses to do. You have no idea.

 

Stop about what if's and the future. Just worry about today and tomorrow. Focus on your own life, own friends, family members. She can't be the only one in your life, so allow her that space she desperately needs and get busy with living yours.

[whichwayisup]

Her life is a bit messy right now. But it wasnt always that way and it wont always be that way.

 

Part of that is my doing.

 

But I think we can be happy.

 

I think its painfully obvious that I will need to somehow show her I have changed so she will want me back. She needs to feel like she is missing something by not having me. Right now she doesnt care for that bc she is grieving and staring a divorce in the face. I can see though, that in time, she will be happy to take me back.

 

Fact, people don't 'change' over night. Her life is more than a bit messy right now and it will stay like that for a long while. Those kids have so much grieving to do, their lives are shattered. She has to put them first, be UNselfish and if that means ditching you (sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh) and staying married, she will do just that. She's got four kids now to worry about. Bringing someone new (aka you) in, isn't gonna happen any time soon. You need to start opening your eyes and seeing the reality of the big picture here. This isn't just about "you and her", the life you want, it involves SO many others that are her family. You haven't an idea what things are gonna be like so to say she will be happy to take you back? You're setting yourself up for that huge painful fall.

 

Feelings can change quite quickly, especially in an affair setting. That love, glue that held you two together may not be as strong on her side... Which is why she's able to up and leave, shut you out so easily.

[MPDuluth]

Yeah, i know what I did and I recognize it. And I apologized to her for all that the next day.

 

And to show her Im serious I havent contacted her.

 

No im not a fly on the wall. But I know more than what she has told me. I know what her mom says, what her friends say. I know a lot more than what you people think.

 

I also know that grieving does strange things to people. I saw it first hand in how she reacted to me. One day I was her hero and the next I wasn't. When I didnt give her space, I was trying to understand her feelings and how they changed seemingly overnight. It was a mistake to question her.

 

I got upset at her for distancing herself and not telling me she needed space. She had every right to do that and I made the mistake of letting her know how upset I was.

 

I think her anger at the time got the better of her, as did mine. But I dont think those feelings are permanent. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It wouldnt be a cliche if it werent true.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, i know what I did and I recognize it. And I apologized to her for all that the next day.

 

And to show her Im serious I havent contacted her.

 

No im not a fly on the wall. But I know more than what she has told me. I know what her mom says, what her friends say. I know a lot more than what you people think.

 

I also know that grieving does strange things to people. I saw it first hand in how she reacted to me. One day I was her hero and the next I wasn't. When I didnt give her space, I was trying to understand her feelings and how they changed seemingly overnight. It was a mistake to question her.

 

I got upset at her for distancing herself and not telling me she needed space. She had every right to do that and I made the mistake of letting her know how upset I was.

 

I think her anger at the time got the better of her, as did mine. But I dont think those feelings are permanent. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It wouldnt be a cliche if it werent true.

 

How long do you intend on 'waiting' this out? 1 month? 2 or 6 months? What if by this time next year she is still living at home with her husband, what then? Wait another year? Two maybe?

 

Put a time limit on how long you'll give her to sort out her life, divorce etc.. If you don't, you'll still be the OM five years later.

[MPDuluth]

I have no idea.

[MPDuluth]

She just emailed me.

Asked how i was doing.

Now what...

[FusionCutter]

She just emailed me.

Asked how i was doing.

Now what...

 

Keep riding the rollercoaster or get off by breaking this off.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If you enjoy being the fly.....go ahead and talk to the spider.

[jellybean89]

For heaven's sake..... she isn't going to wake up next week and decide she MUST be with you.

 

If she is really trying to adopt her nephews, divorcing her husband during that process will be strongly discouraged by her lawyer (divorce or adoption lawyer). Highly HIGHLY doubt a court will give her custody of 2 children when she is divorcing. That's insane to even think that way.

 

You seem hell bent on believing she and you will end up together. Quite frankly, that is crazy thinking in my view. It can take up to a year to adopt (even longer in some cases) and divorcing the father of her biological children (and adopted children) will take a long time too (possibly a year or more).

 

She knows she has you wrapped around her finger. She knows you will do anything to 'get back together' with her. You sound like a very young person - as in 18-24 years old. You seem to think you know everything about her life because gossips have told you their views. Go ask her husband what is going on -- he will probably be the one who will give you the closest truthful answer.

 

I think its painfully obvious that I will need to somehow show her I have changed so she will want me back.

 

how exactly have you changed in the last few days? You are still obsessing over her, over what she says, what she does and all that.

 

him somehow getting proof of an affair.

 

Proof of the affair could cost her adopting her nephews. No court is going to hand over 2 children who are grieving the loss of their parent to a couple who are divorcing and infidelity is involved. I am not sure why you can't understand that.

 

Her life is a mess right now. The last thing she needs is your neediness and insecurity. Give her the space she has asked you repeatedly for. And realize, at the end of the day, more than likely, the affair is over. She has far more important matters to deal with than sneaking around to see you/be with you.

[MPDuluth]

For heaven's sake..... she isn't going to wake up next week and decide she MUST be with you.

 

If she is really trying to adopt her nephews, divorcing her husband during that process will be strongly discouraged by her lawyer (divorce or adoption lawyer). Highly HIGHLY doubt a court will give her custody of 2 children when she is divorcing. That's insane to even think that way.

 

You seem hell bent on believing she and you will end up together. Quite frankly, that is crazy thinking in my view. It can take up to a year to adopt (even longer in some cases) and divorcing the father of her biological children (and adopted children) will take a long time too (possibly a year or more).

 

She knows she has you wrapped around her finger. She knows you will do anything to 'get back together' with her. You sound like a very young person - as in 18-24 years old. You seem to think you know everything about her life because gossips have told you their views. Go ask her husband what is going on -- he will probably be the one who will give you the closest truthful answer.

 

 

 

how exactly have you changed in the last few days? You are still obsessing over her, over what she says, what she does and all that.

 

 

 

Proof of the affair could cost her adopting her nephews. No court is going to hand over 2 children who are grieving the loss of their parent to a couple who are divorcing and infidelity is involved. I am not sure why you can't understand that.

 

Her life is a mess right now. The last thing she needs is your neediness and insecurity. Give her the space she has asked you repeatedly for. And realize, at the end of the day, more than likely, the affair is over. She has far more important matters to deal with than sneaking around to see you/be with you.

 

 

I appreciate your input but you misunderstood mostly everything i said.

 

I havent changed much in the last few days. My point was if she would "ever" take me back it would only be if she could see how much i have changed at that time.

 

I realize full well what damage could be done if the affair got out. I dont pretend not to know that. I never said I didnt. Go back and read what I said.

 

I will not do anything to get back together. I have my issues to deal with and so does she. I wont sit waiting in the wings forever. If there does come a time where she and I have a conversation about getting back together, I will make sure we have a mutual understanding of things first. She doesnt hold any power over me now. And if she asks to have me back she will have to earn it just the same.

 

Go ask her husband whats going on? Thats suicide. And that is the last thing I would ever do.

 

I dont have a timeline in place. Things will happen as they are meant to happen.

[FusionCutter]

If you don't have the courage to tell her husband everything that's a red flag it shouldn't happen. Just cease and desist. That's how you fix this. Give it up. You deep down know the situation is messed up.

[MPDuluth]

What good would come from doing that?

 

You all keep telling me to stay out of her life. Now im a wimp bc i wont throw her under the bus?

 

Seriously that doesnt make sense.

 

I know full well that the situation is messed up. I never claimed it was all roses.

 

But telling him now would only make sure to screw her over completely, she might even get assaulted. And who knows what could happen to me. Theres no courage in coming out now. Thats just stupid.

[MPDuluth]

Her marriage is falling apart on its own. Her life is alread hard enough, as you all constantly remind me.

 

So its pretty obvious why i wouldnt go ask her husband whats going on, or tell him about the affair. Jeez

[FusionCutter]

No. I'm saying in general. If you don't have the courage to tell him it's a clear sign that you should stay away.

 

She's given you some very clear signals. STAY away. If she wanted to be with you, she would make it happen - after all, she's the only one in control of this, not you.

[MPDuluth]

Youre making courage an issue when its not. The problem is not whether I should tell him. The clear answer to that is NO. and the reasons are for safety and protection, not lack of courage.

[MPDuluth]

She emailed me yesterday numerous times telling me about her brothers kids and so on. She was sharing things with me out of the blue. I never asked her to. She just did. She came forward and reached out to me for some reason. We never talked about us and I didnt say anything about me.

[FusionCutter]

Youre making courage an issue when its not. The problem is not whether I should tell him. The clear answer to that is NO. and the reasons are for safety and protection, not lack of courage.

 

That wasn't my intention. Sorry. It was just semantics. I'm just saying if something is dangerous, then don't do it. You already say the words safety and protection. If you care about her, then don't ruin safety and protection by continuing to engage her and creating the affair for her.

 

Walk away and NC.