rollercoaster love

[AlwaysGrowing]

Her husband has been keeping a watchful eye over her lately because he is jealous of her talking to everyone but him basically. And honestly, i know how he feels. She is treating me like she always treated him. She is totally cut off emotionally and physically to me. So i guess the affair is over and I was misled the whole way. I feel like an idiot.

 

 

In time...you will see...you misled yourself. You didn't have your own back. You didn't safe guard you. We all bear the responsibility for our own choices. We get the rewards.....and the consequences.

 

You should take the time to focus on your role....how you came to this road in your life. What could you have done differently...and why.

 

We all have choice. Figuring out why you did not make the best choices for your own well being will be crucial in moving forward in a healthier direction.

[whichwayisup]

I havent sent it yet.

But right now I dont care if i push her away even more. I have nothing left to lose.

 

I told her that loving her has taught me a lot but I was too blind to see exactly what that meant.

 

I feel cheated. Ugly. Used. Like I cant wash off this disgusting feeling or get over the distrust this puts inside of me for everyone else i will come to know.

 

This sucks.

 

And now you know how her husband would feel. x10000 more since he's been her husband for 15 years, has children with her, trusted her, loved her and created a life with her.

 

Actually I feel bad for her H, because he has accused her of chesting on him with me. And thats why he is so paranoid about it. She has always denied it because she wants to win the divorce. But she knows he is right.

 

As you should. And now you see why you should walk away.

[whichwayisup]

In time...you will see...you misled yourself. You didn't have your own back. You didn't safe guard you. We all bear the responsibility for our own choices. We get the rewards.....and the consequences.

 

You should take the time to focus on your role....how you came to this road in your life. What could you have done differently...and why.

 

We all have choice. Figuring out why you did not make the best choices for your own well being will be crucial in moving forward in a healthier direction.

 

True. Once your anger and pain lessens, you'll be able to focus on your mistakes and how you missed some real red flags. You'll see you should not have chosen to believe 'everything' she told you. You'll have to own your part in this and not put all the blame on her.

 

Learn from this and gain boundaries when it comes to a woman who is married or taken already. Don't cross the lines with MW... stick to single women.

[MPDuluth]

She always sais she never wanted to hurt me. That it was the last thing she ever wanted to do.

She said I love you first. And she was so sweet to me. Am i wrong for thinking that we could make this work somehow? Apparently because she has said to me that its over and im just not accepting of that.

[whichwayisup]

She always sais she never wanted to hurt me. That it was the last thing she ever wanted to do.

She said I love you first. And she was so sweet to me. Am i wrong for thinking that we could make this work somehow? Apparently because she has said to me that its over and im just not accepting of that.

 

Everybody gets hurt in an affair. Intentionally or not.

 

Just because she may love you and you obviously love her doesn't mean you two are meant to be together.

 

How could it work? Think realistically. Are you really prepared to be step father to FOUR kids? 2 that are hers, 2 that are about to be adopted. Do you think her family would embrace you into their lives? Her husband would out you two, he was suspicious of an affair, so there's no way he'll make life easy there in the sense of allowing her to ride off into the sunset with you.

 

Did you ever actually see proof that she was filing for divorce or was it all just talk? Did she have a real solid plan?

 

Could you ever fully trust her? Could you accept that her exH would always be in the picture due to sharing their kids?

 

Do you want your own children one day? What if she is done with kids and doesn't want anymore.

 

She is a package deal. Kids and all the baggage. It won't be fun and easy like it was in the affair.

 

I think you're not really hearing her and you're wanting the A not to end. If she is done, she's done and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Don't lie to yourself or give yourself hope. Think about everything she's said to you and look at her actions. From what I've read, your A is over and soon you'll need to accept it so you can grieve the loss and let go of hope.

[FusionCutter]

She's simply not a healthy individual for her to lie and create deception like this.

[Scarlet2]

I would ask her point blank what she needs you to do specifically so that she can get her space if you still want to be with her. I'm in a similar situation and I thought going quiet would help him get his space. And you know what all that did? It made him misinterpret my last text and my silence as it being over which caused him to lash out even more against his family.

 

So I flat out asked him what he needed from me to give him time, did he want me to do this or that. If he wanted out of the affair, that was the time to say it. He told me what he expected and now there is no room for misinterpretation because he specifically said what he wanted me to do so that he can get his space. And now I don't have to be afraid of doing the wrong thing or upsetting him because now my actions are what he wanted.

 

The hard part is trying to find a day she's not in a bad mood so that you can ask her and hopefully she tells you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would ask her point blank what she needs you to do specifically so that she can get her space if you still want to be with her. I'm in a similar situation and I thought going quiet would help him get his space. And you know what all that did? It made him misinterpret my last text and my silence as it being over which caused him to lash out even more against his family.

 

So I flat out asked him what he needed from me to give him time, did he want me to do this or that. If he wanted out of the affair, that was the time to say it. He told me what he expected and now there is no room for misinterpretation because he specifically said what he wanted me to do so that he can get his space. And now I don't have to be afraid of doing the wrong thing or upsetting him because now my actions are what he wanted.

 

The hard part is trying to find a day she's not in a bad mood so that you can ask her and hopefully she tells you.

 

 

This is extremely unhealthy advice. For anyone in any relationship.

 

One should not have to be "afraid" to be themselves or upsetting the other person because they aren't doing what the other wants at all times.

 

Having to wait to even ask a question because one fears the backlash is putting yourself below the other person.

 

This ^ is how you sell your Self Respect to the lowest bidder. Soon afterward....your Self Worth and Self Esteem follow.

 

And the saddest part? Is one did it to themselves. They allowed it. Heck...helped set up the dynamic.

 

Start advocating for YOU.

 

Sit with yourself......is this relationship really something that would be healthy for you? Look at ALL of it. Are you prepared to be tied to her whims?

[MPDuluth]

This woman will only be happy if i just disappear. I can see that clearly. As soon as I got "too close" she started pushing me away.

And I know exactly how she has been manipulating her H and she is doing the same things to me.

She lied to her parents about us. Because her H found out we were texting when he read the phone bill and he confronted her. She denied any wrongdoing to "protect" me but she only was protecting herself. And she told her mom in January about the affair but told her it was over and she would give her marriage some time to work on things. She denied ever being involved with me after that which is a total lie.

She is only interested in saving face.

[FusionCutter]

This woman will only be happy if i just disappear. I can see that clearly. As soon as I got "too close" she started pushing me away.

And I know exactly how she has been manipulating her H and she is doing the same things to me.

She lied to her parents about us. Because her H found out we were texting when he read the phone bill and he confronted her. She denied any wrongdoing to "protect" me but she only was protecting herself. And she told her mom in January about the affair but told her it was over and she would give her marriage some time to work on things. She denied ever being involved with me after that which is a total lie.

She is only interested in saving face.

 

Is the best woman that you can get? Why would you want to be involved with anyone like her?

[MPDuluth]

Because I was seeing this through my googly eyes. And I was so in it that I couldnt see through the bull****. But taking some time off and reflecting and seeking answers has proven beneficial.

[Scarlet2]

This is extremely unhealthy advice. For anyone in any relationship.

 

One should not have to be "afraid" to be themselves or upsetting the other person because they aren't doing what the other wants at all times.

 

Having to wait to even ask a question because one fears the backlash is putting yourself below the other person.

 

This ^ is how you sell your Self Respect to the lowest bidder. Soon afterward....your Self Worth and Self Esteem follow.

 

And the saddest part? Is one did it to themselves. They allowed it. Heck...helped set up the dynamic.

 

Start advocating for YOU.

 

Sit with yourself......is this relationship really something that would be healthy for you? Look at ALL of it. Are you prepared to be tied to her whims?

 

And this is exactly why mine gets frustrated with me because I do not get my point across in the way I intend.

 

The adage "don't make a decision when you're angry, don't make promises when you're happy". If I already know he's upset, I'm setting myself up to get my face swiped off if I poke him. You have a better chance at the truth if you wait for the right moment instead of them coming back later saying they didn't mean what they said because they were in a bad mood that day.

 

As for being afraid, that's me being unsure, second guessing myself because I'm not doing what I wanted but rather doing what I thought he wanted which wasn't what he wanted at all. Once I asked instead of assumed, the fear of not knowing what to do doesn't exist.

 

I probably still didn't get my intent across so I'll stop. But to the OP, I wish people would post more of their experiences so that we could see why they do what they do. There is probably a MW reading your post saying she did the same thing to her OM but she's not sharing her reasons why she treated him that way or what she ended up doing. That's what would help.

[FusionCutter]

And this is exactly why mine gets frustrated with me because I do not get my point across in the way I intend.

 

The adage "don't make a decision when you're angry, don't make promises when you're happy". If I already know he's upset, I'm setting myself up to get my face swiped off if I poke him. You have a better chance at the truth if you wait for the right moment instead of them coming back later saying they didn't mean what they said because they were in a bad mood that day.

 

As for being afraid, that's me being unsure, second guessing myself because I'm not doing what I wanted but rather doing what I thought he wanted which wasn't what he wanted at all. Once I asked instead of assumed, the fear of not knowing what to do doesn't exist.

 

I probably still didn't get my intent across so I'll stop. But to the OP, I wish people would post more of their experiences so that we could see why they do what they do. There is probably a MW reading your post saying she did the same thing to her OM but she's not sharing her reasons why she treated him that way or what she ended up doing. That's what would help.

 

In my opinion (esp having experience being OM before), it's the "trying to understand the MW's words and actions" that drove me insane and into heartbreak. You constantly find yourself questioning things like

 

"If she said she loved me, why is she still with him?"

"Why is she risking her marriage to see me? It must mean something right?"

"If I stay a little longer, she will change her mind and want to be with me right?"

 

I think the best advice is simply to put your own hands in your pockets and just go "Well, everything we felt was real, but it just didn't work out."

 

It's all about detaching and letting go. People get so seduced by words. But really, the MW staying put speaks more than anything.

 

Sure, maybe her feelings were real, but the same problem that stops her from telling her husband the truth about herself, is the same issue that stops her from revealing the truth to the OM.

 

If you're dying to know truth or get closure or whatever, you'll never get it. You have to make up your own truth and closure. Closure comes from within, not from her.

 

It's just like happiness. It has to come from within, not from another person.

[whichwayisup]

This woman will only be happy if i just disappear. I can see that clearly. As soon as I got "too close" she started pushing me away.

And I know exactly how she has been manipulating her H and she is doing the same things to me.

She lied to her parents about us. Because her H found out we were texting when he read the phone bill and he confronted her. She denied any wrongdoing to "protect" me but she only was protecting herself. And she told her mom in January about the affair but told her it was over and she would give her marriage some time to work on things. She denied ever being involved with me after that which is a total lie.

She is only interested in saving face.

 

Yup, she didn't do that to 'protect you' she did the typical throw the AP under the bus to protect HERSELF. She did the lie, minimize and deny. Typical cheater behaviour when caught or when the BS is suspicious and the WS gas lights.

 

Glad you're angry and can see what's what a bit more.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In my opinion (esp having experience being OM before), it's the "trying to understand the MW's words and actions" that drove me insane and into heartbreak. You constantly find yourself questioning things like

 

"If she said she loved me, why is she still with him?"

"Why is she risking her marriage to see me? It must mean something right?"

"If I stay a little longer, she will change her mind and want to be with me right?"

 

I think the best advice is simply to put your own hands in your pockets and just go "Well, everything we felt was real, but it just didn't work out."

 

It's all about detaching and letting go. People get so seduced by words. But really, the MW staying put speaks more than anything.

 

Sure, maybe her feelings were real, but the same problem that stops her from telling her husband the truth about herself, is the same issue that stops her from revealing the truth to the OM.

 

If you're dying to know truth or get closure or whatever, you'll never get it. You have to make up your own truth and closure. Closure comes from within, not from her.

 

It's just like happiness. It has to come from within, not from another person.

 

 

Great post.

 

To expand on your feelings being real.

 

Here is the things about feelings....they may be real...however it doesn't mean they are true nor are they static.

 

How often have you seen someone say..."this is how you made me feel about xyz". Or they feel disrespected over you saying no to something. Sure their feelings to them might feel real....doesn't mean that you disrespected them. So...the feelings...real. Not based on truth though. And often afterwards they admit that you saying no to them about something is your right and is not a disrespectful thing to do. There goes the static.

 

Using feelings alone to run your life is setting yourself up to constantly spin your wheels.

[MPDuluth]

I was reading through some old emails between me and the MW. I read back as far as last January, and was searching for the red flags I may have missed. We talked about her leaving her H and how her feelings had changed for him, he is not the man she thought he was...and these days that resonates with me bc she said that to me recently.

But she still went out to dinner with him so they could talk. He tried to bring the spark back but she was emailing me during the dinner saying how bad it was going.

Anyway, another email I read was 3 weeks after she lost her brother. She and I were discussing going to FL this December and she said hopefully she will be fully separate from her H by then. So even after the death she and I were making plans and thi.gs were still on track.

[MPDuluth]

And a month after that she broke up with me.

[jellybean89]

Let her go.

 

I know you want some answers, but you aren't going to get them from her - at least not truthful ones.

 

Chalk it up to a bad experience, lesson learned and move forward with your life. She has told you repeatedly to back off and give her space. Give her that space and walk away.

[MPDuluth]

Chalk it up as a bad experience?

 

Spending $10 on a ticket for Frozen is a bad experience.

 

This is a jarring, emotionally damaging, psychologically crushing blow to my existence.

[MPDuluth]

I know what youre saying.

 

I'll only make it worse by asking myself the million What Ifs and How Comes that are going through my head.

[MuddyFootprints]

Chalk it up as a bad experience?

 

Spending $10 on a ticket for Frozen is a bad experience.

 

This is a jarring, emotionally damaging, psychologically crushing blow to my existence.

 

Only if you let it be. Consider this experience an opportunity to grow.

[Poppy47]

I might be very painful for you, but believe me it is still a bad experience.

Poppy

[FusionCutter]

Chalk it up as a bad experience?

 

Spending $10 on a ticket for Frozen is a bad experience.

 

This is a jarring, emotionally damaging, psychologically crushing blow to my existence.

 

It is perspective. I know these are just words. But try to see the good in what happened. Find some benefits.

 

-You learned a valuable lesson?

-You're free to find legitimate love

-You learned how evil could be

-You learned the kind of woman that is right and wrong for you

-You learned about yourself

-This is a chance for you to rebirth yourself

 

ETC.

 

It is all about mindset. I know that's easier said than done. But you need some time to recover from this.

 

Love yourself.

 

Good luck.

[FusionCutter]

PS. You're old enough to know that you shouldn't hold onto things that hurt you.

[Be_Strong]

So you know for a fact that she is lying to two of the most important people in her life--her husband and her own mother. Please don't let your ego get in the way of realizing that this is a central character flaw with her that doesn't suddenly disappear when it comes to you. Many people in an affair compartmentalize the lying in an affair and convince themselves that even though the AP is engaging in extremely deceptive behavior with their spouse, that AP would never lie to them.