Author MPDuluth Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Saving your dignity means going on with your life and putting this behind you. Who knows if she 'loved' you -- we don't. We can only tell you from our perspective what we see. Your story is not unique -- so many cheaters use the "soul mates" line and future fake. It's what they do. They get you invested and then when they are done, they pull the plug and walk away. Better for you to find this out now, before wasting any more of your life on her. Like I said, if she was serious about divorce, she would have started that already. Women do make their minds up quickly and then take action...granted there are women cowards and women who prey on men for their own selfish reasons. In your situation, from what you have written, I don't see a future with you and her; heck, I don't even see that she loves you. You do not treat people like crap if you love them. You do not ask people to sneak around and all that an affair involves if you love them. Love means you want the best for the other person; you want them happy. Affairs aren't happy. People in love bring out the best in each other. Additionally, love fades in time if it isn't nurtured and tended to. Everyone has 'loved' someone in their life (I assume) but as we grow and mature, what we once loved at 18 is not even remotely what we love at 30, 40, etc. In my experience, people in their 20's do the most changing and growing. By their 30's, they are more settled for the most part. Doesn't mean there aren't a whole crap ton of cheaters in their later years...older men seem to want to bag the young girls ... this forum alone can attest to that with so many of the MM who are cheating are in their 50's and older and their affair partners are in their 20's and 30's. Its really sad. Affairs are selfish and soul destroying. She may have loved you at one time; but I don't think she feels that way anymore. And that's okay, as I said, people can and do stop loving others. It's part of life. Closure comes from within YOU. Seeing her, having it out with her, whatever...it won't make it easier or hurt less. The best thing you can do is go live your life and put this affair behind you..and choose to never again engage in an affair with someone who is committed to someone else. you didn't lose your dignity - you went into the affair knowing she was married with kids. You knew she had a husband. None of us know their marriage - only they do - but I would bet she exaggerated a lot of the stuff she told you and I would bet it has never entered her head to divorce her spouse. She had you wrapped around her pinky and she used that to get her ego stroked and to have her cake and eat it too. Let her go - for your own mental health and sanity. She used to apologize for not being able to do more for us and would tell me I can have a "normal" relationship. I dont see how she could just not love me anymore. Its not like anything happened between us to make that the case. I think she just cant handle an affair anymore and its not intentional to hurt me. She cant see a future for us at this time. She can never work out her marriage bc she would have to come clean and she wont do that. She has no choice anymore but to divorce him. And I think she will do that soon so she wont have to deal with the guilt of sleeping in the same bed as him and living under the same roof. Im sure us being separated puts her more at ease in her home life but there is no coming back from the affair. Whether or not we get back together-i dont see it as impossible. Her marriage working is impossible, but us making it together is not. I dont know what her therapist is telling her. She started seeing one while we were still together. The therapist coupd have told her that the affair has to end but she didnt want to...then when her brother died she felt remorse, regret, guilt, depression, etc and in a sense she took it out on me Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 There are two reasons why our relationship died. She lost her brother and the grief shook her to the core and she cant justify an affair. Two- the affair became a different monster when she felt feeling less happy because of the time it had been going on and the minor difficulties in how we got along. All in all, it wasnt worth it anymore and she couldnt handle the added stress while she is grieving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 I dont want to be angry at her. As far as Im concerned, her marriage is her business and she has her reasons for getting involved with me. If she has changed and she cant do it anymore, if she regrets it, if she cant be with me as it reminds her of a big mistake in her life (might/might not)... i have no proof that she ever lied to me. I love her and until she either admits she wronged me intentionally or I get the chance to confront her about it, Im going to take this at face value based on our conversations together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 There were warning signs. She had been under a lot of pressure and stress in her life outside of mine and it put distance between us. She had told me I was draining and "you exhaust me" Shes very upfront about her feelings and when things got to be too difficult she made it known immediately. My response to our distance was to try to get closer. Thats where I screwed up. She said it scared her bc we didnt know what each other is capable of. I said if our relationship was normal then a lot of these difficulties wouldnt even be happening. Having an affair is a lot like a long distance relationship only much harder. But the communication is mostly over text, which is hard to do well on a consistent basis over 10 months. But thats not enough to stop loving someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 I own my faults. I have learned a lot. I learned my boundaries were too dependent on her. They wpuld barely be visible if she didnt put them there. I was somewhat needy at times. But, in my defense she used to have all the time in the world to talk to each other and it got to be an issue to her over time. She said I demanded a lot of attention and she gave it very willingly. When we used to email regularly it wasnt a constant form of contact. Then we started using instant messaging and thats when I could see if she was online, when she was typing, etc and it changed the whole dynamic to our communication. It became more instant gratification and I became more clingy Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Keep getting these thoughts out, it'll help you heal. Do forgive her and yourself. Aim to just chalk it up as the timing was all wrong for you two and also the fact she was already married with children. Learn from this and grow from the mistakes made. You have a lot of insight now as to why things played out the way it did, both you and her handled certain things badly and both of you reacted, fed off one another too. Made for a not so healthy times for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 So why cant those brief low points be corrected? Does she think im not the right guy anymore? Whats so wrong with me sending her a message that says. "I miss you. I hope youre ok." ?? Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 So why cant those brief low points be corrected? Does she think im not the right guy anymore? Whats so wrong with me sending her a message that says. "I miss you. I hope youre ok." ?? Well, what would that accomplish? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Maybe it would break the ice? Maybe it would open up a conversation after 10 days of silence? Maybe she is sitting there missing me but doesnt know if/why she would contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) Maybe it would break the ice? Maybe it would open up a conversation after 10 days of silence? Maybe she is sitting there missing me but doesnt know if/why she would contact me. Your own words: Im sure us being separated puts her more at ease in her home life but there is no coming back from the affair. If you respect and care for her, then leave her alone. You don't need to break any ice. From what you've written, she's probably relieved. Edited November 13, 2014 by FusionCutter Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 But if i love her shouldnt i fight for her? What if she needs to see proof? She said "If you love me as much as you say, then dont message me again tonight. Respect my privacy." And when I couldnt keep my space as well as she liked she said "Im sad that you could be this way to someone you supposedly love." But... Tha was all said during the heat of the moment and 10 days have passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 With no contact at all Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 You're not listening to her. She said respect her privacy. What more is there to talk about? Do you want her to file a restraining order on you? It's tough, but you really have to let this go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 A restraining order? Its not that bad. We never faught together, like screaming in each others faces or throwing things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Im just saying now the dust has settled... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 This is the person who recently said "I cant wait to be with you. Its going to change my life." Now im forbidden to speak to her? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 Pretty much, yeah. You need to focus on your healing and she needs to focus on hers. There is no room for you in her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 But its not her marriage. Thats what im trying to tell you people. Our relationship was intercepted by grief! She is not going back to her H. Its a certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 No, it's not a certainty. She is still living with him and has not filed for divorce. She is re-evaluating her priorities and her life. Leave her alone while she does that. Give her the space, respect, and privacy she has asked you for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Im in the process of doing those things. But I cant stress the point enough that she is NOT sticking it out with this guy! The day will come when they get the divorce sooner than later. I know this. And maybe, when that happens, I'll get a call asking me out for coffee just like she and I talked about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Re-evaluating her priorities-yes thats exactly right. But that has nothing to do with staying married to that guy. My money is on the fact that the divorce process is ramping up, based on our convos three weeks ago, and she is afraid of his intense pressure on her and him somehow getting proof of an affair. So, what makes sense to.do?? End the affair and let the divorce go on with no contact to me as a precaution. And even though it wasnt discussed that way, I think when she is alone after the divorce is when she will want me back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 And, maybe, you will let yourself move on with someone who already has their ***** together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Her life is a bit messy right now. But it wasnt always that way and it wont always be that way. Part of that is my doing. But I think we can be happy. I think its painfully obvious that I will need to somehow show her I have changed so she will want me back. She needs to feel like she is missing something by not having me. Right now she doesnt care for that bc she is grieving and staring a divorce in the face. I can see though, that in time, she will be happy to take me back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MPDuluth Posted November 13, 2014 Author Share Posted November 13, 2014 Look, I dont NEED this woman and I know that. At this time, I want a future with her. Will I meet someone in the interim who makes that change? Its very possible. But Im not looking for a relationship bc I have nothing to give right now. Not bc Im waiting for her, i just dont have it in me to dive into anything in the foreseeable future. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 But its not her marriage. Thats what im trying to tell you people. Our relationship was intercepted by grief! She is not going back to her H. Its a certainty. No, it wasn't just the grief. It was how you handled things, not giving her space, and pushing her. It stressed her out and killed a lot of the feelings. You do not know exactly her home life, you're not a fly on the wall, you've not been privy to their conversations, daily dynamic etc.. You only know what she's told you. Link to post Share on other sites
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