Older guy at work won't leave me alone, am I making a big deal out of nothing?

[preraph]

a totally innpropriate manner?

 

if he was rich and handsome then his manner would be great

 

No it wouldn't! She's 17!

[SycamoreCircle]

That's just tough. If he's guilty of this, as he seems to be, he deserves what he gets. he should have thought of this before embarking on such unacceptable behaviour.

What. we women are supposed to give such guys a break, because they have families??

THis is how sexual harassment CONTINUES.

Because women are scared, or worried about the repercussions, and concerned about what it might do.

Nonsense.

Suck it up.

 

 

Nothing will bring it home more acutely, than being told - by Management - that he's over-stepped the line.

What 40-year-old experienced veteran is going to listen to a 17-year-old ingenue that he's pushing his luck?

 

He's counting on her naivety, innocence and inexperience to carry on doing precisely what he wants, with no block or objection.

That's completely unacceptable.

And illegal.

 

Well, something struck a nerve. Look, I'm not trying to make light of sexual harassment. I've worked most of my life in these dead end restaurant jobs, filled with monotony, low wages, micro-management and a kind of caste system. Yes, OP can tell management which will most definitely bring about change. When an employer hears "sexual harassment" from a woman, alarm bells go off. What I'm suggesting is something which skirts(pardon the pun) the idea that people are better off hiding behind illicit rules, instead of communicating to one another. You don't know this guy---yeah, he did some over-the-line stuff---but before you turn him into a monster try to exercise some of the compassion that your Buddhist avatar suggests.

[preraph]

^ Why should see have compassion for this guy who's trying to take advantage of her naivety? That's completely nuts! She needs to disengage from him as much as possible. He's a 40-year-old grownass man. He's lucky she's not knocking on his door telling his wife! He can deal with his own actions. She's too young to know how to deal with this.

[avintagegirl]

Hey Marian,

 

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have dealt with this sort of situation before. I get it, you don't want to get the guy in trouble, but at the same time, you have every right to go into a comfortable work environment. Here is what I would do: Next time he texts you with how you look lovely or whatever, you might reply back to him and say:

 

I appreciate what you are saying and all, but Im not sure its really appropriate for you to text me and say this sort of thing and its starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I enjoy working with you and all, but when you say things like that I feel it steps outside of a professional working relationship.

 

Whatever you do - keep the texts, and keep it all in writing.

[darkmoon]

you are planning to humiliate a loser if he does not stop after the girls have had a srs talk with him, ok, then complain,tell him you are in love elsewhere, he is obviously sexually frustrated, he might get spiteful, this is the problem and also a male boss might take his side, even just a bit

 

 

i also said the above, and i noticed he has her mobile number, he might have presumed, wrongly, ok, that she wanted extra out of workplace contact, he might not know he is unnatractive to her, he might be too idiotic to

[SycamoreCircle]

^ Why should see have compassion for this guy who's trying to take advantage of her naivety? That's completely nuts! She needs to disengage from him as much as possible. He's a 40-year-old grownass man. He's lucky she's not knocking on his door telling his wife! He can deal with his own actions. She's too young to know how to deal with this.

 

Should we only have compassion for people we find reasonable?

 

I've worked in both offices and restaurants in NYC. There is a definite laxness in interpersonal etiquette in restaurant work. I'm not suggesting that makes the cook's behavior acceptable. But, as a male worker, I've had both men and women say highly suggestive things to me---mostly in jest. If those things had been said in the environs of an office, they would stand out more severely than restaurant work.

 

I mean, on a given night kitchen banter can range from:

 

-bootyholes

-69

-racial stereotypes

-cleavage

-Jay Z's penis

 

Are you seeing a trend here? Yes, you could enforce a nation- heck a worldwide moratorium on this sort of stuff, but there's a reason you see chefs, sous chefs and line cooks leaning against the backs of restaurants, tattooed sleeves, stretched earrings pulling on cigarettes at 11:30 at night: these people wanted out of the CORPORATE mold.

[evanescentworld]

Should we only have compassion for people we find reasonable?

No, but you MUST distinguish between Idiot Compassion and Wise Compassion.

 

Idiot Compassion is akin to pity, and enables the person to lean on excuses as a crutch.

 

Wise Compassion does not withhold punishment or reprimand, but understands that it's the Action, not the Actor.

 

 

In this case, while he may well be deserving of Compassion for his blind, selfish actions and how much damage he is causing himself, he still merits a good kick up the behind.

[SycamoreCircle]

No, but you MUST distinguish between Idiot Compassion and Wise Compassion.

 

Idiot Compassion is akin to pity, and enables the person to lean on excuses as a crutch.

 

Wise Compassion does not withhold punishment or reprimand, but understands that it's the Action, not the Actor.

 

 

In this case, while he may well be deserving of Compassion for his blind, selfish actions and how much damage he is causing himself, he still merits a good kick up the behind.

 

I've never heard of these distinctions you speak of and don't understand your meaning enough to comment.

 

I agree that the man should have his behavior pointed out to him as being inappropriate. It is entirely up to the OP whether she wishes to do it herself or have someone else do it for her. I've placed my vote.

[Toodaloo]

If all of this is indeed "harmless" then there is no harm in talking openly and honestly about it with your boss. If it harmful there is no reason why you shouldn't talk openly and freely with your boss.

 

It is making you uncomfortable and therefore it is not harmless.

 

Be blunt ask him to stop directly - if it carries on go to your boss and talk about it.

 

Trust me these things can escalate. Says the girl who has a stalker about to be locked up... Thankfully not for damaging me but he did end up damaging someone else...

 

Everyone I work with has seen the texts and are aware of the phone calls, notes etc. It started as something a bit silly and within 6 months grew to threats of violence. Nip it in the bud.

[preraph]

Should we only have compassion for people we find reasonable?

 

I've worked in both offices and restaurants in NYC. There is a definite laxness in interpersonal etiquette in restaurant work.

 

Tell me about it. And I was a rogue female in the music business pre-Anita Hill. You have no idea the gross crap I had to put up with. I am a smart mouth, so I always shut them down; but at 17, I'd have been very intimidated by that guy. I didn't have the tools to deal with him at that age. I'd have probably done whatever he told me to do! We don't want her to do that and there is now recourse for it that I didn't have.

 

 

Re: the restaurant business, the year I worked as a waitress, there was a guy in the kitchen who often was holding a mop and would put his hand around the mop handle and move it up and down every time any waitresses went by. So I know all about it.

 

This guy is far too old to be attempting ANYTHING with this 17 year old girl who is very uncomfortable and he needs to be curbed. Now, put me in there and I'll shut him down myself by asking if he couldn't have his wife drive me home instead. But no one needs to deal with that. He is preying on her. What worries me is he's not one of the "gross" guys who's saying shocking things. He's really trying to manipulate her with gifts, and small things that it's hard for her to know if it's alright or not -- just like pedophiles do.

 

I get where you're coming from and I'm old and crusty and been there, but i can't say it exactly made me a better or more feminine or trusting person. Let's do better for this generation.

[evanescentworld]

I've never heard of these distinctions you speak of and don't understand your meaning enough to comment.

 

I agree that the man should have his behavior pointed out to him as being inappropriate. It is entirely up to the OP whether she wishes to do it herself or have someone else do it for her. I've placed my vote.

I apologise for confusing the issue with you, sincerely I do.

Rather than de-rail this thread, I'll add a note in the thread I began about Buddhism...

 

Please feel free to read there, should you be interested.

If not, I'm sorry I wasn't sufficiently clear.

 

[seekingpeaceinlove]

So, this guy makes advances and makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable but you haven't once told him to stop? For all we know, the guy may think you're enjoying the attention. Why does he have your phone number?

 

Tell him politely that he needs to stop. If he continues, take it up with management and record your complaint.

Edited November 10, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[preraph]

She would have already done that if she wasn't feeling too uncomfortable. This is new territory for her. At that age, I'd have been doing whatever he said, thinking I should since he was an older authority figure (any older man). Yes, she will eventually get there, but meanwhile, she has other options.

[evanescentworld]

So, this guy makes advances and makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable but you haven't once told him to stop? For all we know, the guy may think you're enjoying the attention. Why does he have your phone number?

 

Tell him politely that he needs to stop. If he continues, take it up with management and record your complaint.

 

as mature, well-experienced adults, we can all tell precisely what our actions would be; how wise we are to know how to deal with such issues, so exactly and in such a determined manner.

 

But I wonder how many of us, if we were only 17 (barely a year or two out of 'childhood') would have known what to do, in such an assured and self-confident manner?

Hindsight is, of course, 20/20 vision.

Oh yes, I would have done *this*, *this*, and *this*....

 

The hell I would.

looking back on the 17-year-old I used to once be (and being so petite that when I entered 6th form at school, aged 16, they thought I was a 1st year and 11 years old, and in the wrong class!) I would have never known what to do - and without the benefit of the internet, and forums such as this one, I can pretty much guarantee I would have ended up in a far worse position than this young lady finds herself today.

 

So let's just explain to her where the law stands, (check!) what her rights are (check!) what she should do (check!) and leave her to use her own head to proceed as correctly as she sees fit, (a) given the situation, (b) how it makes her feel, and © at what a tender age she is having to deal with this!!