BF left me and daughter for another woman

[sunshine0274]

I have a 5 month old daughter with my ex-BF who recently left us for another woman. I feel so lost.

 

 

We were not serious around the time I conceived and had actually split up when I found out about our daughter. he has been very wishy washy for the last year and a half. First, he wanted no part of our daughters life or mine, then wanted to be a dad but not be with me. When I had our daughter, we were cordial, friendly, and going to do the best thing we could as co-parents, but the dynamic changed with us and he admitted that he was an ass and never gave us a real shot. He was deployed when I gave birth, though came home for 2 weeks right after she was born. Then had to go back overseas. We were apart for 4 months before he came back and it was great the way we got to communicate and get to know each other on another level. He told me I was "stuck" with him, that he wanted to be here and make our family grow, buy a house together, all of that. Even have more babies. You could see the love and pride in his eyes when he was with us.

 

 

Well, he came home and lived with us for 2 weeks before a woman from his past came storming in and persuaded him to leave us. She is still married, getting a divorce and has 2 kids of her own. They dated casually 6 years ago. I found out about her when I read his Facebook messages after he left it open. I know I shouldn't have snooped and I am sorry on so many levels that I did, but there was something that felt off. Besides, with his wishy-washiness, I have been feeling insecure.

 

 

Sure enough, they were planning to meet up while he was still living here with us. The context of the e-mails went beyond friendly and when I confronted him, I told him if he didn't want to be here, he should leave. So, without saying much of anything, he packed up and moved out when I was at work. No denying anything, no fighting for our family that said he wanted just 2 weeks before, no fighting for his daughter, nothing. Just gone.

 

 

Since then, we have had little contact. He ignored my calls and texts, asking him to make some decisions for our daughter and only came around when his aunt got on him about his absence. He has seen his daughter once on his own. I will admit, I am so hurt and angry, that one night, after he came over to help with her, I asked him to leave.

 

 

I just am so devastated that this man who wanted to be here so much at first just left like this. He doesn't love me- he told me so, but the whole point of him coming back was to build our relationship. He said all he needed was 2 weeks to know it felt forced and unnatural.

 

 

Now, he is with this other woman on a road trip with her and her kids while my daughter was so sick she was in the ER.

 

 

Worst part is, despite all of this, I love my family and don't feel we ever got a real chance before he ran. He doesn't love this other woman either.

 

 

He is leaving for Japan for work in 4 months for 2 years. We were supposed to go together, but I couldn't get my job to relocate me.

 

 

This was my life, my family. This man wanted the same things I did and then, POOF, gone.

 

 

I am so hurt and wondering if there is any chance he may come to his senses...

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry. I don't think he will change his mind.

 

However, he has a child and therefore has the responsibilities of a parent. Do NOT let him get away with not supporting his daughter financially, even if he won't do it emotionally. Don't make excuses for him because your daughter deserves his financial support. Even if you don't need financial support for her, fight for it! It belongs to your daughter. Get an attorney and make sure there is a legally binding requirement that he pay monthly child support.

 

I wish you peace. I'm glad your daughter has a loving mother and I'm sorry for what you have gone through.

[Tayla]

, fight for it! It belongs to your daughter.

.

 

It belongs to the custodial guardian, not the child. The custodial parent never has to spend a dime of it on the child. Ask any lawyer or judge.

 

The OP is in good stance though if the gent is in the military, They have special rules for active members and supporting children. The money will be pulled from his pay no matter where he is stationed.

 

OP- You genuinely sound like a caring parent. Some folks learn long after the others have moved on on just what they lost. He will have his day of reckoning. You still have a family, your daughter and you make the family. Keep it strong .

[oldshirt]

 

 

I am so hurt and wondering if there is any chance he may come to his senses...

 

It sounds like he's been pretty consistent and upfront all along. If anyone needs to come to their senses, it is you.

 

You need to wake up and understand that you picked a guy that had no love or commitment to you and no interest in a home and family with you. He's not going to be a loving, faithful and supportive husband and father.

 

Your task here is get a family law attorney and secure financial support support. You cannot get him to love you or your daughter or be committed to you as a partner but he is legally obligated to provide financial support to his biological child.

[Hope Shimmers]

It belongs to the custodial guardian, not the child. The custodial parent never has to spend a dime of it on the child. Ask any lawyer or judge.

 

Okay. If you want to split hairs, then great. Yes, it belongs to the 'custodial guardian' in terms of how it is administered FOR THE CHILD.

 

Child support is meant to be for the child, not the benefit of the child's guardian.

[Hope Shimmers]

It sounds like he's been pretty consistent and upfront all along. If anyone needs to come to their senses, it is you.

 

You need to wake up and understand that you picked a guy that had no love or commitment to you and no interest in a home and family with you. He's not going to be a loving, faithful and supportive husband and father.

 

Hmmmm. Well, she got pregnant. Slightly different than "picking a guy", don't you think? She's kind of stuck with the guy now in terms of parenting, because she got pregnant. And that is his responsibility as much as hers.

[sunshine0274]

I got the answer it seems I need after I got a nasty message from this other woman. Since they are together now, I guess she didn't appreciate me calling and interrupting their "family time". Apparently, they both think I trapped him into this by getting pregnant on purpose and she seems to think I am a "crazy b**ch". lovely. He has been sending her pictures of our baby too.

 

 

What a nightmare.

 

 

I filed for child support already and this man has told me he doesn't love me, so I guess there isn't much more to say.

[sunshine0274]

I think his role in her life is for show, as he comes and goes as he pleases anyway and wants no responsibility, yet kicks and screams practically at the thought of not being involved with her. To tell me he never got my messages about her being in the ER and that they all came in at once is just ludicrous. He is in another state, not on another planet. reception is pretty good here.

 

 

It's sad. I never trapped him, never asked him for anything. I told him when I got pregnant, he could go and that would be that. To suggest I am hounding him and making him be a dad is just ridiculous.

 

 

I really hope this woman gets what is coming to her and him too.

 

 

Luckily, when he leaves, there will be no contact anyway. I am not going our of my way to keep him in her life and if he feels this way about me, no need to anyway. He is off the hook in that sense.

[anika99]

Old shirt said no such thing. Did you even read his post? He told the OP to get a lawyer and go for financial support for the baby. I think he only meant that this guy is never going to be the OP's partner or family man and since she can't make him be those things she needs to accept that she picked the wrong guy and move on in her life. Do you disagree?

[trippi1432]

I think his role in her life is for show, as he comes and goes as he pleases anyway and wants no responsibility, yet kicks and screams practically at the thought of not being involved with her. To tell me he never got my messages about her being in the ER and that they all came in at once is just ludicrous. He is in another state, not on another planet. reception is pretty good here.

 

 

It's sad. I never trapped him, never asked him for anything. I told him when I got pregnant, he could go and that would be that. To suggest I am hounding him and making him be a dad is just ridiculous.

 

 

I really hope this woman gets what is coming to her and him too.

 

 

Luckily, when he leaves, there will be no contact anyway. I am not going our of my way to keep him in her life and if he feels this way about me, no need to anyway. He is off the hook in that sense.

 

 

Understandably, the hurt is current and new...however, you seem to have your head on straight...but why are you now becoming unhinged? Simple...he made promises he wasn't man enough to keep....has shown his real stripes. It hurts when you give someone a second chance...especially when you love your kid and want them to be in their lives. Deep down, your posts have shown that you knew he wouldn't. Not your fault, but it is up to you to walk away from his drama. You have other priorities.

[Mr. Lucky]

Luckily, when he leaves, there will be no contact anyway. I am not going our of my way to keep him in her life and if he feels this way about me, no need to anyway. He is off the hook in that sense.

 

Your hurt and pain are understandable.

 

But please also make decisions with your daughter in mind. It seems clear that her relationship with her Dad won't be all it could be. Your job is to make it the best it can be. And that may include leading this dipsh*t by the nose for birthdays, Christmas, etc..

 

If you burn the bridge, not just you cut off from him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GildedLily]

I've seen your post before in the other forum, why did you post twice? the thread was 3 pages long, did you not get the response you wanted?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/498951-snooped-through-bf-s-e-mails-really-hurt

Edited November 9, 2014 by GildedLily

[elaine567]

I think you need to stop thinking of him as a family man. I think his initial reaction to stay away was his gut instinct, but the thought of having a daughter made him stop and think for a moment.

Hooking up with this girl from his past has put things back into perspective for him, he doesn't want to play happy families with you.

She just gave him an excuse to go.

You can blame her all you like but it really has little to do with her, he is the one making the decisions here.

A man who truly wanted to be with his daughter would cross hell and high water to be with her and no woman would stand in his way.

 

I think the fact he is going to Japan for 2 years is a bonus for you, as in that time you can sort out your own life with your daughter and not have to deal with the drama that appears to surround him.

[sunshine0274]

I've seen your post before in the other forum, why did you post twice? the thread was 3 pages long, did you not get the response you wanted?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/498951-snooped-through-bf-s-e-mails-really-hurt

 

Thought I might get more insight under this thread, not realizing it was moved from "dating" to here

[sunshine0274]

I think I am becoming unhinged because of the drama this other woman is causing that is influencing him. The things she is saying about me, calling me names, chirping in his ear about me and our daughter, etc.

 

 

This man would not be away from our daughter who was in the ER if he wasn't on a trip with her and her kids. She is doing something on purpose to stir the pot and I have no control over it. He never said anything about me trapping him until she put that bug in his ear

[sunshine0274]

I feel like I am being slandered and our daughter is being called a trap and we have no voice, nobody steering this ship in the right direction

Edited November 9, 2014 by sunshine0274
double post

[elaine567]

He never said anything about me trapping him until she put that bug in his ear

 

She merely voiced his concerns.

Had he not felt trapped, he would not be saying such stuff, He would telling her she was wrong and to butt out. He would definitely not be saying such stuff to you.

He is not some little child being told what to say by his teacher, he is a grown man. Do not underestimate him.

 

I know it is hurtful to consider that those we love mean what they say and do when they are being nasty, and we like to excuse them by any means possible.

It is easier to think she is influencing him, than to face up to the fact that he was the one that chose to go and stay on a road trip and not spend the time with your daughter in ER.

 

Listen to oldshirt, a lot of sense spoken there.

[stillmind]

You can't blame the new girlfriend for his actions, he's the one who chose to leave you and your daughter.

[sunshine0274]

You can't blame the new girlfriend for his actions, he's the one who chose to leave you and your daughter.

 

 

 

Deep down, I know this. Not sure why it is so hard to accept this. I have no legal rights to keep him from his daughter and won't do that to be spiteful, but decisions he is making are negatively affecting her in the sense that the time he has with her while he is here is squandered elsewhere. No judge will support me if I decide to shut him out, so I know that I can't, but I want so badly to be able to confront him with the information that I have and let him know that I am aware of the things he and she are doing and saying about me

[oldshirt]

I think I am becoming unhinged because of the drama this other woman is causing that is influencing him. The things she is saying about me, calling me names, chirping in his ear about me and our daughter, etc.

 

 

This man would not be away from our daughter who was in the ER if he wasn't on a trip with her and her kids. She is doing something on purpose to stir the pot and I have no control over it. He never said anything about me trapping him until she put that bug in his ear

 

You are putting the blame in her and holding her accountable for HIS actions. That's not fair or accurate. HE is the one choosing to turn his back on you and your daughter. He is the one that is not attached to you and wants nothing to do with either of you. Even if she was to be abducted by aliens and never heard from again, he would have another woman in his life in a matter of days or weeks because that is who and what he is. It really has nothing to do with her at all.

 

I hate to play Jr Shrink but I think a part of your blame for her is to protect yourself from the painful reality that he is just simply not interested in having a home and family with you. No question that that sucks and is painful but it doesn't change anything. You still have to take care of yourself and your daughter and he is legally obligated to provide support for his biological child whether he feels love and attachment for her or not.

 

My advice is to let go of the fantasy and delusion that he will be a loving and devoted family man and redirect that time and energy into pursuing as much financial support as you are legally entitled.

[oldshirt]

Deep down, I know this. Not sure why it is so hard to accept this. I have no legal rights to keep him from his daughter and won't do that to be spiteful, but decisions he is making are negatively affecting her in the sense that the time he has with her while he is here is squandered elsewhere. No judge will support me if I decide to shut him out, so I know that I can't, but I want so badly to be able to confront him with the information that I have and let him know that I am aware of the things he and she are doing and saying about me

 

All if this is wasted energy.

 

For starters you don't have to lift a finger to "shut him out," he will gladly walk away on his own accord.

 

That is why you are having a hard time accepting this. You laid a playa' who has no feelings for you or the child he helped create and it's hard and painful to accept that when you love her so much. But it is what it is.

 

And "confronting" him is also wasted time and energy. There is nothing to 'confront' here. This is not a cheating husband who is lying and deceiving anyone. This is a single guy who has been upfront and honest from day one that he doesn't love you and does not want a home and family with you. This is a single man dating chicks and doing what he wants. He realizes that. Confronting him will change nothing nor tell him anything he hasn't already been open about.

 

You are the one that needs to start realizing and accepting it.

[Raena]

I understand what you are going through. It's very painful to be in your shoes. I said it on the other thread and I'll say it again here. He was on the fence about being with you and now he's made his decision.

 

I also know very well, how easy it is to blame the other woman for the comments she makes and the way she behaves. Her making comments to you is a concern to me. What they say to each other, that's their business, but when she gets in YOUR face and gets nasty with you for wanting the father of your child to spend time with the child then that shows exactly what kind of woman she is. She has two kids of her own right? You'd think she'd get it... but yet there are women out there who just don't. What exactly is SHE getting out of this by the way? If he's leaving in 4 months, is she planning on going with him? Rest assured that he probably won't take her with him either. She's someone to keep him occupied for the moment. Someone to satisfy his desire to pretend to be a family. Of course, I could be wrong, a lot can happen in 4 months... but chances are pretty slim that she'll uproot her kids and take off for two years to another country with someone she just started dating (whether they knew each other years ago or not). My point is, I wouldn't worry too much about her. If she gets nasty with you again, simply tell her it's none of her business, because it isn't.

 

It doesn't sound like he's ready to settle down and make a commitment with you at all. He may want to be a parent to his child but it having a hard time doing that because of his relationship with you. I don't mean to sound offensive here, because I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. I'm just saying that this is very likely his perspective. He'll use you as the reason for why he's not being a father to her.

 

It's hard, but you are better off just letting him go. Go file for child support and custody, get that straightened out with the courts and then be done with him personally. Keep your conversations with him solely about the child. You can use his lack of involvement when your child was in the hospital against him in court too. Make sure you save all copies of all texts sent between the two of you and start keeping a calender of events. I have one that spans back to the day my ex and I split up. It's all right there should I need it in court at any given moment in time. It wouldn't hurt you to keep copies of her messages to you as well. Do NOT call him anymore. Only text. Make sure you get EVERYTHING IN WRITING. Do not insult him, attack him or otherwise disrespect him. It's a lot easier to do that (keep yourself cool) in writing than it is in a phone conversation. I'm not saying that you have been nasty to him, but if you have, then you need to stop. Do not give him any reason at all to use you as the reason for why he's choosing to not be around his child. If he wants to come visit her, tell him he needs to set that up in advance, that he can't just show up when he feels like it. Set your boundaries, make them clear and stick to it. It's no guarantee that it will work, but there is a chance that it might. If he knows that he isn't going to have to fight you all the time, he might be more likely to come around.

[veggirl]

Are you actually in love with this guy? It doesn't sound like you guys have spent a whole lot of time together in person. Would you want him living with you and being your family if it wasn't for your daughter? I know it hurts watching him w/ another woman but consider really if he is what you want.

[sunshine0274]

Thank you all. At what point do I have the right to just shut him out? Do I ever? I think him not caring she was in the hospital is a start...

[sunshine0274]

Are you actually in love with this guy? It doesn't sound like you guys have spent a whole lot of time together in person. Would you want him living with you and being your family if it wasn't for your daughter? I know it hurts watching him w/ another woman but consider really if he is what you want.

 

 

 

I do love him, but what he is doing isn't who I thought I knew. He used to call me "love" and "sweetie" and now these are her nicknames only 10 days into their rekindling.

 

 

I think I loved the fantasy