BF left me and daughter for another woman

[oldshirt]

I understand what you are going through. It's very painful to be in your shoes. I said it on the other thread and I'll say it again here. He was on the fence about being with you and now he's made his decision.

 

I also know very well, how easy it is to blame the other woman for the comments she makes and the way she behaves. Her making comments to you is a concern to me. What they say to each other, that's their business, but when she gets in YOUR face and gets nasty with you for wanting the father of your child to spend time with the child then that shows exactly what kind of woman she is. She has two kids of her own right? You'd think she'd get it... but yet there are women out there who just don't. What exactly is SHE getting out of this by the way? If he's leaving in 4 months, is she planning on going with him? Rest assured that he probably won't take her with him either. She's someone to keep him occupied for the moment. Someone to satisfy his desire to pretend to be a family. Of course, I could be wrong, a lot can happen in 4 months... but chances are pretty slim that she'll uproot her kids and take off for two years to another country with someone she just started dating (whether they knew each other years ago or not). My point is, I wouldn't worry too much about her. If she gets nasty with you again, simply tell her it's none of her business, because it isn't.

 

It doesn't sound like he's ready to settle down and make a commitment with you at all. He may want to be a parent to his child but it having a hard time doing that because of his relationship with you. I don't mean to sound offensive here, because I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. I'm just saying that this is very likely his perspective. He'll use you as the reason for why he's not being a father to her.

 

It's hard, but you are better off just letting him go. Go file for child support and custody, get that straightened out with the courts and then be done with him personally. Keep your conversations with him solely about the child. You can use his lack of involvement when your child was in the hospital against him in court too. Make sure you save all copies of all texts sent between the two of you and start keeping a calender of events. I have one that spans back to the day my ex and I split up. It's all right there should I need it in court at any given moment in time. It wouldn't hurt you to keep copies of her messages to you as well. Do NOT call him anymore. Only text. Make sure you get EVERYTHING IN WRITING. Do not insult him, attack him or otherwise disrespect him. It's a lot easier to do that (keep yourself cool) in writing than it is in a phone conversation. I'm not saying that you have been nasty to him, but if you have, then you need to stop. Do not give him any reason at all to use you as the reason for why he's choosing to not be around his child. If he wants to come visit her, tell him he needs to set that up in advance, that he can't just show up when he feels like it. Set your boundaries, make them clear and stick to it. It's no guarantee that it will work, but there is a chance that it might. If he knows that he isn't going to have to fight you all the time, he might be more likely to come around.

 

 

 

What Raena said ^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

this is no longer any kind of love story or family saga or any kind of feel-good romance story or even any kind of relationship drama. - get those delusions out of your head.

 

This is now strictly business and is all simply a financial and legal matter. Raena is right on the money, ALL communications should be in written form via email, txts etc and all communications are now legal documents. View all communications as legal documents and save them as evidence and documentation.

 

Keep everything in a non emotional business/legal format and express no emotion or drama or feelings in any communications.

 

You need to understand that he has clearly and unambiguously terminated the personal relationship with you and he has done this through both written word and deed so it is a documented and corroborated fact.

 

What remains now between you two is a legal, financial coparenting relationship and you need to start treating it as such.

 

What he does with his dick and his personal time is no longer any business of yours. His only obligation(s) to you now are financial and anything else per the court-ordered coparenting arrangements.

[Tayla]

Okay. If you want to split hairs, then great. Yes, it belongs to the 'custodial guardian' in terms of how it is administered FOR THE CHILD.

 

Child support is meant to be for the child, not the benefit of the child's guardian.

 

again incorrect and not splitting hairs. Clarifying an incorrect statement. There is no clause that the guardian "administers" the funds for the child. I wish the laws did allow the child to directly benefit. Yet as the laws are, the custodial is not mandated to use any of the support funds for the child(ren). Thank you for allowing me the chance to correct the inaccuracy. you are now welcome to unroll ur eyes and see the light. The Op seems to be following up on support.

[oldshirt]

Thank you all. At what point do I have the right to just shut him out? Do I ever? I think him not caring she was in the hospital is a start...

 

Did you see what I wrote above?

 

You don't have to "cut him out," he is voluntarily walking away.

 

He will have financial and legal obligations but that is it. The degree of those obligations will be up to the court. That is what you and your lawyer need to be working on.

 

This is now a legal, financial and business matter. It is not a personal matter anymore.

[elaine567]

"love" and "sweetie", are often "terms of endearment" used by men.

They are also often used by men who are scared in case they say the wrong name to their "loved" one in error.

Better to call everyone "love", than call Jess, "Emma" or call Emma, "Sarah" in an unthinking moment.

[sunshine0274]

Did you see what I wrote above?

 

You don't have to "cut him out," he is voluntarily walking away.

 

He will have financial and legal obligations but that is it. The degree of those obligations will be up to the court. That is what you and your lawyer need to be working on.

 

This is now a legal, financial and business matter. It is not a personal matter anymore.

 

 

 

Yes, but as soon as he is back in town and no longer with this woman, he will come back, wanting to see his daughter. I can't stop him. I am torn between what is right and what I want to do and what is blurred now is "Is this now 'right' to cut him off and not allow him to see her unless the courts allow?" Again, not trying to be spiteful, but this coming and going is damaging to her even though she is little. I cannot open my home in a civil manner and allow him to see her, be on the phone with this other woman in my house telling her a play by play, eating my food, all under the guise of him "spending time" with our daughter.

 

 

Believe me, I don't want this to get any more ugly, but at some point, enough is enough and his actions are no longer hurtful to me, they involve my baby.

[sunshine0274]

PS, I really appreciate you all. I have nobody here supporting me. Friends are busy, family is far away, etc.,

[sunshine0274]

I understand what you are going through. It's very painful to be in your shoes. I said it on the other thread and I'll say it again here. He was on the fence about being with you and now he's made his decision.

 

I also know very well, how easy it is to blame the other woman for the comments she makes and the way she behaves. Her making comments to you is a concern to me. What they say to each other, that's their business, but when she gets in YOUR face and gets nasty with you for wanting the father of your child to spend time with the child then that shows exactly what kind of woman she is. She has two kids of her own right? You'd think she'd get it... but yet there are women out there who just don't. What exactly is SHE getting out of this by the way? If he's leaving in 4 months, is she planning on going with him? Rest assured that he probably won't take her with him either. She's someone to keep him occupied for the moment. Someone to satisfy his desire to pretend to be a family. Of course, I could be wrong, a lot can happen in 4 months... but chances are pretty slim that she'll uproot her kids and take off for two years to another country with someone she just started dating (whether they knew each other years ago or not). My point is, I wouldn't worry too much about her. If she gets nasty with you again, simply tell her it's none of her business, because it isn't.

 

It doesn't sound like he's ready to settle down and make a commitment with you at all. He may want to be a parent to his child but it having a hard time doing that because of his relationship with you. I don't mean to sound offensive here, because I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. I'm just saying that this is very likely his perspective. He'll use you as the reason for why he's not being a father to her.

 

It's hard, but you are better off just letting him go. Go file for child support and custody, get that straightened out with the courts and then be done with him personally. Keep your conversations with him solely about the child. You can use his lack of involvement when your child was in the hospital against him in court too. Make sure you save all copies of all texts sent between the two of you and start keeping a calender of events. I have one that spans back to the day my ex and I split up. It's all right there should I need it in court at any given moment in time. It wouldn't hurt you to keep copies of her messages to you as well. Do NOT call him anymore. Only text. Make sure you get EVERYTHING IN WRITING. Do not insult him, attack him or otherwise disrespect him. It's a lot easier to do that (keep yourself cool) in writing than it is in a phone conversation. I'm not saying that you have been nasty to him, but if you have, then you need to stop. Do not give him any reason at all to use you as the reason for why he's choosing to not be around his child. If he wants to come visit her, tell him he needs to set that up in advance, that he can't just show up when he feels like it. Set your boundaries, make them clear and stick to it. It's no guarantee that it will work, but there is a chance that it might. If he knows that he isn't going to have to fight you all the time, he might be more likely to come around.

 

 

He isn't taking her with him. She is still married. Just left her husband. I am sure this is play time for him, but if it wasn't her he left for, it would be somebody else

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, but as soon as he is back in town and no longer with this woman, he will come back, wanting to see his daughter. I can't stop him. I am torn between what is right and what I want to do and what is blurred now is "Is this now 'right' to cut him off and not allow him to see her unless the courts allow?" Again, not trying to be spiteful, but this coming and going is damaging to her even though she is little. I cannot open my home in a civil manner and allow him to see her, be on the phone with this other woman in my house telling her a play by play, eating my food, all under the guise of him "spending time" with our daughter.

 

 

Believe me, I don't want this to get any more ugly, but at some point, enough is enough and his actions are no longer hurtful to me, they involve my baby.

 

I don't know of anyone who has visitation - including me when my son was young - in the manner you describe.

 

There's no need to "open your home", he'd normally have his own place -whether house, apartment or hotel room.

 

You can't change that he's her Dad. And good, bad or indifferent, he's going to be the father he will be. Your job now is to be a great Mom and let their relationship happen....

 

Mr. Lucky

[anna121]

again incorrect and not splitting hairs. Clarifying an incorrect statement. There is no clause that the guardian "administers" the funds for the child. I wish the laws did allow the child to directly benefit. Yet as the laws are, the custodial is not mandated to use any of the support funds for the child(ren). Thank you for allowing me the chance to correct the inaccuracy. you are now welcome to unroll ur eyes and see the light. The Op seems to be following up on support.

 

Since you are so fond of citing "laws", perhaps you have a source for your sweeping and universalized claims that you are so certain apply to OP.

[sunshine0274]

I don't know of anyone who has visitation - including me when my son was young - in the manner you describe.

 

There's no need to "open your home", he'd normally have his own place -whether house, apartment or hotel room.

 

You can't change that he's her Dad. And good, bad or indifferent, he's going to be the father he will be. Your job now is to be a great Mom and let their relationship happen....

 

Mr. Lucky

What I mean is that with him leaving in 3 months, there is little time for a court ordered visitation. Its up to me to allow him over here. He has an apartment with a blow up mattress and no furniture. He is not taking her there

[Raena]

What I mean is that with him leaving in 3 months, there is little time for a court ordered visitation. Its up to me to allow him over here. He has an apartment with a blow up mattress and no furniture. He is not taking her there

 

Ok, I see your dilemma. Don't allow him into your house then. Meet at a public place and keep it limited in time. I don't think you can tell him he can't be on the phone with her while he's spending time with his child, but you CAN supervise the visits somewhere other than your home. Why in the world are you allowing him to eat your food? No way! Public place... a park, a playground, something that will work for you both but NOT in your home. You do NOT have to cater to him at all... that means no feeding him. Tell him that you'd appreciate it if he'd stay off the phone while he's spending time with his child, but it probably won't get you anywhere. Like I said... document, document, document. Put it in writing what he does when he does spend time with her.

[melodymatters]

I agree that you certainly don't have to open your home to him or feed the guy ! And you are right, visitation issues probably won't be worked out legally in three months.

 

So, it's going to be up to you. You said you were not going to operate out of spite. That would mean being reasonable about a visit here or there with HER if he wishes. At that age I don't think sleepovers or even going this house is necessary. What is he takes her to Chuck E Cheeses or his parents house for a couple of hours ?

 

She is not going to be harmed by "low visitation" unless you make it an issue for her when she is old enough to understand. What if you got pregnant in a long distance relationship that failed ? Maybe he would only be able to fly to visit her once a year. We all have relatives we only see once in a while. It's obviously not a perfect scenario but it is what is and how it affects your daughter now and in the future is going to be very much up to you.

[stillafool]

I do love him, but what he is doing isn't who I thought I knew. He used to call me "love" and "sweetie" and now these are her nicknames only 10 days into their rekindling.

 

 

I think I loved the fantasy

 

Honestly, I call people at the grocery store "love" and "sweetie" (perfect strangers) so I hope you are not taking those words as a sign he was in love with you.

[sunshine0274]

Honestly, I call people at the grocery store "love" and "sweetie" (perfect strangers) so I hope you are not taking those words as a sign he was in love with you.

Not when he is calling another woman that just 10 days into their rekindling, no

[Raena]

Honestly, I call people at the grocery store "love" and "sweetie" (perfect strangers) so I hope you are not taking those words as a sign he was in love with you.

 

Actions speak louder than words anyway....

[Hope Shimmers]

again incorrect and not splitting hairs. Clarifying an incorrect statement. There is no clause that the guardian "administers" the funds for the child. I wish the laws did allow the child to directly benefit. Yet as the laws are, the custodial is not mandated to use any of the support funds for the child(ren). Thank you for allowing me the chance to correct the inaccuracy. you are now welcome to unroll ur eyes and see the light. The Op seems to be following up on support.

 

Perhaps a better comment for me to have made instead of "splitting hairs" is "why does it matter here?" Especially since, as you yourself pointed out, she is indeed following through on getting child support.

 

Unfortunately I am all too personally familiar with child support laws and I am well aware that there is no law dictating what must be done with the funds. As such, I already 'see the light', but thank you. In my opinion the point here, and for this particular OP, was that the money is meant for her daughter so she should make sure she gets it no matter what.

 

However, since my leaving out the legal aspect seems to have really caused you a lot of distress, let me rephrase my statements to the OP.

 

"The money belongs to your daughter".

"The money is meant for your daughter, although from a legal perspective no one can demand that you use it directly for your daughter or administer it to her in any way."

 

Are we good now?

[sunshine0274]

Perhaps a better comment for me to have made instead of "splitting hairs" is "why does it matter here?" Especially since, as you yourself pointed out, she is indeed following through on getting child support.

 

Unfortunately I am all too personally familiar with child support laws and I am well aware that there is no law dictating what must be done with the funds. As such, I already 'see the light', but thank you. In my opinion the point here, and for this particular OP, was that the money is meant for her daughter so she should make sure she gets it no matter what.

 

However, since my leaving out the legal aspect seems to have really caused you a lot of distress, let me rephrase my statements to the OP.

 

"The money belongs to your daughter".

"The money is meant for your daughter, although from a legal perspective no one can demand that you use it directly for your daughter or administer it to her in any way."

 

Are we good now?

 

 

 

This is a non-issue for me. Any funds allocated to me for the care of our daughter will go to just that- her. Anything left over from daycare, diapers, formula, etc., will be put into a fund for her. I already have a separate account for her anyway. I will save extras for braces in the future, a car, college, etc. I am capable of taking care of her myself, so child support is extra that I will need for when she gets older. They get expensive. I have also asked that healthcare be her father's responsibility in that he is in the military and will have steady insurance where I will not in the near future.

[sunshine0274]

I have reached a point today where I have made the decision to just let him go. Release him from the bonds that he feels are too tight on him, release him from this responsibility that he is not ready for and wish him well. Except for child support of course.

 

 

I know what he has done to me is harsh, but for my own healing and to be able to be the best mom I can be, I need to let it go. I hope he finds in life happiness and what he is looking for, but it's not me and not this life with our daughter.

 

 

I hope he goes to Japan and really has the time to re-evaluate his life and make decisions that heal him too because honestly, he is a broken man in so many ways and runs from everything in his life. Maybe he will settle down one day, but for now, I have to accept that what he is doing, while hurtful to me, is what he needs to do.

 

 

I don't agree with it, I don't like it, but it's not my life to live. My life is 14 pounds and 25 inches long and full of giggles and twinkles in her eye and no matter what, I got the best part of this deal

[trippi1432]

I don't agree with it, I don't like it, but it's not my life to live. My life is 14 pounds and 25 inches long and full of giggles and twinkles in her eye and no matter what, I got the best part of this deal

 

 

Actually, you did get the better part of the deal. Two decades ago, I did and still do have the better part of the deal (first exH was a serial cheater many times in those five years). There comes a time when you realize you aren't respecting yourself by settling for the status quo.

 

 

You are going to be an amazing Mom, and always be sure that anyone you let in both of your lives, deserves to be there.

[jellybean89]

You can't blame the new girlfriend for his actions, he's the one who chose to leave you and your daughter.

 

Yes and no. I know of several situations where a new girlfriends attitude does impact the ex's behavior. There are a ton of websites about dealing with a new step mother and it is scary some of the things a father allows his new partner to do to his children. So many times, the new female is jealous of the previous girlfriend, jealous of the child and wants the man all to herself. Many women have been able to steer the father away from his child and women are known for being territorial --- they want things done their way and it is the ball-less father who allows this to happen.

 

Actually, child support is reimbursement to the custodial parent for expenses related to the child - which include rent/mortgage, utilities, gas, car insurance, food, etc. Child support is not meant to just mean toys or clothes. It is for the care and housing of the child. A custodial parent can choose to get their nails done, wallpaper their bathroom, buy a new car with the funds received because that is how it goes. Some parents put every dime into the bank and hand it over to the child for a car, college tuition, down payment on a house, etc. No child should ever think that the money collected is theirs to do with what they please - it isn't theirs. Custodial parents are also responsible for their portion of expenses related to raising the child - the onus is not on the non-custodial parent to pay for everything. Each state has its own way to determine the amount each parent is responsible for. There are also laws that state a non-custodial parents portion can't be their entire paycheck -- because the parent also requires funds to live on.

 

Child support and visitation are two separate items. A custodial parent (CP) cannot withhold visitation because of non payment of child support. A CP must make the child available for visitation, but a NC parent doesn't have to exercise the agreed upon visitation. Visitation also takes into account the age of the child - example: an infant would not be allowed to have overnight visitation with the NC parent if the child is being breast fed. Many courts do take into account the role the NC parent has played in the child's life. An example: if a NC parent for 3 years never visited the child, there is no way a judge would order that the child spend a week away from the CP immediately. Overnight visitation is slowly brought into the child's life so as to ensure the child is at ease.

 

You can also have written into the agreement that no overnights with a non spouse are to take place when the minor child is with the NC parent. You can also add that until the NP has been proven to be responsible (in the case of not choosing to see the child for extended periods of time), the visits should be supervised at a neutral location. There are a lot of various things that can be done to minimize any negative impact on the child.

[Mount]

Also I am so confused and do not understand - doesn't the world have a product called condom. Why so many women being desperate and want men that have no interested in those women to change mind by giving birth kids.

 

All if this is wasted energy.

 

For starters you don't have to lift a finger to "shut him out," he will gladly walk away on his own accord.

 

That is why you are having a hard time accepting this. You laid a playa' who has no feelings for you or the child he helped create and it's hard and painful to accept that when you love her so much. But it is what it is.

 

And "confronting" him is also wasted time and energy. There is nothing to 'confront' here. This is not a cheating husband who is lying and deceiving anyone. This is a single guy who has been upfront and honest from day one that he doesn't love you and does not want a home and family with you. This is a single man dating chicks and doing what he wants. He realizes that. Confronting him will change nothing nor tell him anything he hasn't already been open about.

 

You are the one that needs to start realizing and accepting it.

[sunshine0274]

Also I am so confused and do not understand - doesn't the world have a product called condom. Why so many women being desperate and want men that have no interested in those women to change mind by giving birth kids.

 

 

 

Desperate? Hardly. Our birth control failed and I made the decision to keep my baby and told him he could go scott-free and never look back if he wanted to. He made the decision to come back and raise her and changed his mind yet again. The only desperate person here is him, looking for a life that satisfies him and failing each time

[sunshine0274]

Yes and no. I know of several situations where a new girlfriends attitude does impact the ex's behavior. There are a ton of websites about dealing with a new step mother and it is scary some of the things a father allows his new partner to do to his children. So many times, the new female is jealous of the previous girlfriend, jealous of the child and wants the man all to herself. Many women have been able to steer the father away from his child and women are known for being territorial --- they want things done their way and it is the ball-less father who allows this to happen.

 

Actually, child support is reimbursement to the custodial parent for expenses related to the child - which include rent/mortgage, utilities, gas, car insurance, food, etc. Child support is not meant to just mean toys or clothes. It is for the care and housing of the child. A custodial parent can choose to get their nails done, wallpaper their bathroom, buy a new car with the funds received because that is how it goes. Some parents put every dime into the bank and hand it over to the child for a car, college tuition, down payment on a house, etc. No child should ever think that the money collected is theirs to do with what they please - it isn't theirs. Custodial parents are also responsible for their portion of expenses related to raising the child - the onus is not on the non-custodial parent to pay for everything. Each state has its own way to determine the amount each parent is responsible for. There are also laws that state a non-custodial parents portion can't be their entire paycheck -- because the parent also requires funds to live on.

 

Child support and visitation are two separate items. A custodial parent (CP) cannot withhold visitation because of non payment of child support. A CP must make the child available for visitation, but a NC parent doesn't have to exercise the agreed upon visitation. Visitation also takes into account the age of the child - example: an infant would not be allowed to have overnight visitation with the NC parent if the child is being breast fed. Many courts do take into account the role the NC parent has played in the child's life. An example: if a NC parent for 3 years never visited the child, there is no way a judge would order that the child spend a week away from the CP immediately. Overnight visitation is slowly brought into the child's life so as to ensure the child is at ease.

 

You can also have written into the agreement that no overnights with a non spouse are to take place when the minor child is with the NC parent. You can also add that until the NP has been proven to be responsible (in the case of not choosing to see the child for extended periods of time), the visits should be supervised at a neutral location. There are a lot of various things that can be done to minimize any negative impact on the child.

 

 

 

Thanks for the info! The no overnights thing is definitely something I am going to go for, though like I said, with him leaving, I doubt anything will take place. To be honest, he hasn't reached out to see how our baby is after being in the hospital, so I am not sure it even needs to go this far. I told him he could go. I gave him another out and he said he won't do it, but these actions are telling me otherwise. If I wanted to trap him like this other woman says, I am certain I wouldn't tell him he could leave.

 

 

At this point, I just need to focus on not being vengeful because believe me, I hope she gets what is coming to her too. She thinks it's funny that she "stole him away" from us. Karma, sweetheart. Karma

[Raena]

Thanks for the info! The no overnights thing is definitely something I am going to go for, though like I said, with him leaving, I doubt anything will take place. To be honest, he hasn't reached out to see how our baby is after being in the hospital, so I am not sure it even needs to go this far. I told him he could go. I gave him another out and he said he won't do it, but these actions are telling me otherwise. If I wanted to trap him like this other woman says, I am certain I wouldn't tell him he could leave.

 

 

At this point, I just need to focus on not being vengeful because believe me, I hope she gets what is coming to her too. She thinks it's funny that she "stole him away" from us. Karma, sweetheart. Karma

 

See bolded... the girl my ex cheated on me with also has this same attitude. I think she realized, if only briefly, that this wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She won him alright... she won a dysfunctional man who is a terrible parent. She's already had her consequences and doesn't realize it yet. The same applies to the gf in your situation. What is she really winning?

[sunshine0274]

See bolded... the girl my ex cheated on me with also has this same attitude. I think she realized, if only briefly, that this wasn't all it was cracked up to be. She won him alright... she won a dysfunctional man who is a terrible parent. She's already had her consequences and doesn't realize it yet. The same applies to the gf in your situation. What is she really winning?

 

 

 

Well, some women are just not girl's girls you know? They have this agenda to be nasty and do rotten things and I think these two are a match in heaven because they are both going to see that what they apparently had 6 years ago, is not the same anymore. For heaven's sake, she is still married with 2 kids. Who wants that nonsense long-term? he doesn't even want the responsibility of his one that he created, let alone 2 and you cannot tell me that a road trip with 2 kids under the age of 4, through multiple states was a great vacation, for real. So, whatever. It's beginning to be comical how trashy these two are.