....am I messed up in the head?

[slh71]

Hi all, new here, been reading a lot and some of the advice that is given seems so spot on but at the same time it goes far in the opposite direction from what I would do in that given situation, so that's gotten me to wondering if I'm screwed up in the head and maybe I need to go see someone about it.

 

This is going to be a long read, and my complete relationship history, I'm trying to lay out my way of thinking and establish my patterns so hopefully you can help.

 

I'm a 42 year old man. I had my first real heartbreak at 17, was devastated for 6 months, fully recovered about a year later. Got with a new girl out of pity for her, she liked me so much and I didn't want HER to feel like I had felt when I got dumped...so I jumped in. Needless to say that things didn't go well, we lasted about 6 months. She did grow on my and we are friends to this day, and looking back she would have made a great wife but it just wasn't there for me and I knew it right from the beginning.

 

Next I'm 21, I just got out of a cult-like religion that had been very controlling. Every aspect of my life was under scrutiny and their control from about 17 to 21. The moment I left I started calling girls I knew liked me (I wanted to finally experience sex, I was a virgin) So I fell in love with this one girl and bam, one month in we were engaged, we got married at 3 months, she was pregnant. We had a very very bad marriage with three separations over nearly 7 years. I was trying to do the "right" thing for my son. She was abusive and controlling. All of which I didn't see at first because 1. it was too new of a relationship and I didn't really know her, and 2. I was too young, I didn't know anything about life or relationships yet. So we divorce and I went right back to my religion.

 

I made it about 3 years in that religion on again off again, the guilt would eat me alive because I was always thinking about sex, looking at porn and masturbating, I would get so low and depressed over this and eventually I left and had a relationship with a very bad girl I met online. She had no interest in me personally just wanted sex. I liked her a lot and when I realized what was going on I ended it, we lasted about 2 months. But I knew it was going nowhere and I wanted more than just sex, I wanted love.

 

After that ended I got back into my religion full force and tried really hard. I confessed my sins and was forgiven and for the next 7 years I was celibate and it was again, on again off again, still had issues with porn and my guilt. I was a young man after all with normal natural sexual desires. After 5 years of hell and torture I finally got suicidal. I was convinced by some church friends I needed medication. I was against this, but I conceded eventually and went on meds and had therapy for about 2 years. My Dr. knew about my religion and it's constraints and was very accommodating. I would be okay for a while, then I was terrible, he'd switch out my meds, okay for a while, etc...finally I'd had enough and weaned myself off all my meds and stopped seeing him. I was a nurse so I knew how to do this safely. Once the meds were out of my system I felt like myself again, and I was okay for a while then the guilt drove my depression back......The thing was every time I'd stop going to church the guilt was gone and I'd feel much better. So I eventually stopped going altogether. I had a moment where I was suicidal and I knew I had a decision to make, either keep going to church and die by my own hand because of the guilt, or stop going and live my life. I chose life.

 

I went out and had a couple of one night stands. I will admit, I was drunk and it was fun at the time. I'm not proud of those but I felt I really needed that release at the time. But I knew that was not what I really wanted. I wanted love.

 

I met a woman online and we started a relationship. I knew right away that it wasn't going to work for me, yet I pursued her for a while thinking things would change and that maybe it would be okay. It wasn't. She fell hard for me, we had sex several times and I ended it. She wanted to be FWB and I said no at first, but as I got desperate for sex I eventually gave in and we used each other for a while. I knew it was wrong and not what I wanted, and every time I'd have sex with her I'd have to be really desperate and always drunk. Sure they were fun times but ultimately not satisfying because there was no love.

 

It wasn't long after her that I met a woman at work. She was so sweet, the nicest biggest hearted woman I've ever met. All of her wonderful qualities drew me in really hard and I chased her for 3 months. At first she didn't want me in that way but I persisted. Finally after about 2.5 months we had our first kiss. I knew right then and there that there was nothing there for me. But she was such a great person and I wanted love so badly that I kept pursuing her. We finally got together officially and she was in love with me. I knew deep down I really wasn't in love with her, but I kept in the relationship thinking that in time it would grow. The sex was awful. I mean, sex is sex that having an orgasm is always great, but there was no connection there for me. We kissed differently, we liked different things, it was just bad. Not at all anything I wanted very often. I would only have sex with her when I really needed it and turned her down a lot. Always with a lame excuse. At the very beginning it wasn't even good. We had sex pretty frequently but that was just because it was new and I hadn't had sex for so long. But it got really dull really fast, but again, I thought "That part of life isn't really all that important, and she's so great....." I fooled myself. I lied to myself and pushed my own real feelings aside in order to not feel bad and to not end the relationship. Well eventually after 4 years I ended things with her. We were planning on getting married (the date was only 3 months away when I broke it off) Needless to say she's devastated and heartbroken and I feel absolutely awful for hurting her. I at first kidded myself and told myself that I had not led her on, but I see now that I did. This was my fault and all her pain was caused by me......

 

About a month after my break up I met a woman and fell absolutely head over heals with. I mean never in my life have I felt anything like this. I was blown away by my feelings. I didn't know I could feel this way, or care this much. She is a drug addict and a stripper. I knew this from the very beginning but I continued in the relationship anyway. I felt like I could "save" her with my love. So for about 4 months I helped her by giving her money to buy drugs, even driving her to her dealers many many times. My only thought was that she needed the drugs to stay well and out of withdrawls (Heroin). It was foolish I see that now, but I had to do it at the time. I sold off all the things I'd had that were worth anything to keep financing her addiction. All the while she said she wanted to get clean so we tried traditional rehab (she's tried everything in the past to no avail...cold turkey, traditional detox, Suboxxone, Methodone, none of it worked for long) She relapsed almost immediately after the detox program. So I found out about a little known detox called Ibogaine and had to take her to Mexico to get the treatment. We did and it worked. But when we came back as soon as she wasn't feeling good she wanted to use again, so I ended things. She knew that if she went back to that lifestyle I would leave. We'd talked about it many times.....

 

There were many other issues with this woman. She was a liar, a manipulator and there is another man involved. She and he are drug buddies. They've known each other a very long time and have been friends. They tried to have a relationship but it didn't work, but I have serious doubts that I know the whole story. So he has always been an issue between us. She will not end her friendship with him and I can not stand him. In the beginning I tried very hard to be his friend, we talked, went out drinking, tried to bond, but all the while he hated me behind my back. I happened to find some incriminating text messages he'd sent to his friend about me (using my GF's phone) and I was livid. There were other instances as well, but the point is I hate him and I've never really hated anyone in my life before.

 

So about 11 days ago I ended things with this woman and went NC. I cancelled her phone which I bought and paid for and for about 10 days I heard nothing from her. The day we broke up she was calling me and texting me constantly wanting another chance, saying she'd never see her friend again (I'd heard this many times in the past and she always went back to him) saying how much she loved me and needed me and how she couldn't do this without me (stay clean), etc..... any normal person would have rushed right back to her but I'd heard all this kind of thing before and I didn't believe her because I can not trust her...so I stayed strong and to kept in NC for that day, cancelled her phone the next day and that was it for 10 days. NC.

 

I was okay for about 4 or 5 days. I was angry then and really upset with her, so it was easy to think she was gone out of my life for good. But by day 6 and on I was absolutely a wreck. Just devastated and emotionally wrecked. I would be okay for a few hours then just crying my eyes out over her for hours.....over and over and over for the next 4 days or so. I was miserable and just a mess. I never thought I could feel this deeply for anyone and now she was gone.....and I thought to myself she's just a junkie, she's using and she'll just eventually die from this addiction......it was hell.

 

So yesterday I get a call from her phone. I think "how can this be?" I cancelled it. So I thought it was the phone company or something. I answered and it was her. She told me she'd paid the bill and that's how she was using the phone.

 

She said "Will you talk to me?" I agreed and she told me how for the past week she did use twice but that she was still clean now and she didn't want to use anymore. We both admitted that we still very much loved and missed each other but that was about the extent of it. It was a very guarded and quiet conversation. Neither of us wanted it to end but I was at work so eventually we got off the phone.

 

So here's where I'm at in my head at this point. I've made really bad choices in relationships in the past. I can see that now. I'm trying really hard to find real love, love that is healthy and deep on both sides. In the past I always just picked women who were safe, the would love me but if I lost them I really wouldn't have that much to loose. I didn't really see this at the time I was going through all these relationships but it seems crystal clear to me now. All that changed when I met Toni (my current GF whatever you want to call her). Like I said I never ever fell in love this hard before, not even with my first crush, nor with my wife. I was in love with those two but this is completely different. The things I've done for Toni are absolutely crazy, the risks I've taken, the stress I've endured, all that I've put up with, it's all nuts and I must be crazy. But I chalk it all up to being in love and truly loving this woman with all my heart. I have my lines that can never be crossed (like cheating) but the scary part is I wonder....even if she did cheat, would I take her back? She's like a succubus and I feel completely powerless against her. She's absolutely the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, the sex with her is amazing beyond belief, she's taken me to places I never thought I could go. And it's not just that, she has this way, this quality that just keeps drawing me to her. I have been so miserable these past few days it's been unreal. I've never cried so hard and so long about anything in my life. Not even the death of loved ones....... It's sick the power she has over me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a push over, when we're together I am the man in the relationship, and that's how we both want it. We each have our god given rolls (if you believe in that or not is your thing but we do) and we stick to them. But the basic attraction that I have for her is so powerful. I would literally do just about anything for her, I already have! I look back at all that I've done, all that I've risked for her and I just shake my head and think "How!?" "Why?" and sometimes I have no answers. But I honestly do feel that I love her, from the deepest parts of me I do and I want her so badly, I want to be with her so badly, for the rest of my life. I know it's early yet and I'm not about to try and marry her but that's the feeling attached to her, the emotion.

 

So today I will probably see her. My plan is to go very very slow and cautious and try not to get roped back in or sucked into any kind of destructive behavior. No, not try...I will not allow it. I will never give her money for drugs ever again, I can not and will not do that. I'm done with that for good. I also will not help her financially (she's pretty much destitute because of her addiction) and I don't really want her to move back in with me (she was living here for a short time before we went to Mexico for her treatment). She uses other men for money, not prostitution but emotional prostitution. She has about 3 on the hook that will "help" her out when she calls them. This sickens me and for a time "I" was the only one, I was the one she was using I guess you could say. After all I was supporting her in every way..... But now it's different, we've been apart for 10 or 11 days and in that time she's contacted the other men and they're helping her. Putting her up in a motel, helping her with food and stuff I'm sure..... So things are different now.

 

She still loves me she says, and yet I have my doubts. I have no way of trusting her after all she's put me through and yet I feel like I can't give her up, I can't leave her entirely.

 

The sad part is as I've gone through all this these past few days I've started to feel better a little bit. I've started to heal and try and deal with all my emotions and figure out what to do with my life. I've gone back to the gym, I'm working about 60 hours a week, I'm making plans for my future, I'm eating right and not drinking so much, etc.... But every night I dream about her literally. I wake up in the morning and she's instantly on my mind. I cry and cry and cry all day thinking about her and it just does not seem to want to go away. I don't know if I can deal with this. So now I have the opportunity to have her back in my life. She still wants me, loves me, misses me.....it's killing me inside. I was so drained by this whole experience over the past 4 months. For a solid month in the beginning I could not take a full breath. I literally could not suck air into the deepest parts of my lungs. I had a knot in my chest for a month and was about to go see the Dr. about it. Then the whole week we were in Mexico I had just churning and bubbling in my guts. I had diarrhea many times every day (not because of the water either...I always drank bottled) it was just the stress. I know that this is probably bad for me. I know she will need so much work to really recover and become a normal person, I know that it will probably take years for me to fully trust her again and I know there is always the possibility of relapse. She's going to need therapy, she's going to need to see a doctor about her health issues (sustained from 8 years of drug abuse) she may die soon, she may never be really well, and yet with all of this I still want her. I still love her so much, and I can't imagine my life without her.......

 

So my question to any of you is what the hell do I do?

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry that you are hurting, friend. I know that you mentioned seeing a doctor in the past for some of the stuff that you have dealt with over the years, but have you tried seeing a counselor or therapist recently? It may really help to have a professional to help talk you through some of these things. That's definitely a difficult situation, and I hope that you figure it out. I'll definitely be praying for you.

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[slh71]

Just an update, I've broken up with her and I'm not trying to recover.

[slh71]

^ that should have said "I'm trying to recover." Not I'm "not trying" to recover.....sorry.