Planning to get her back

[Whatshisface]

First and foremost, forgive me if this post comes across too long-winded or confusing. That was our nature, we were a pretty explosive couple which was lead to the break up, haha.

 

To sum up how we got together, it took over a year of her pursuing me and somehow having me fall in love with her before sending a massive e-mail confessing her feelings to me. I naturally said yes and we ended up dating for a while, and it was pretty great.

From the get go, however, she told me that there was a disconnect between us in terms of different values and a lack of common interests. The reason I ended up falling more in love with her as the relationship went on, however, was because she was teaching me so much and helping me realize that I didn't really like the person I was before. She was making me so much of a better person.

 

Towards the end of the 13 month relationship, we started fighting a lot. It started off with a lot of trust issues she had in finding a lot of my friends very attractive(my friends were all girls, and she was afraid of losing me to her), including her best friend/cousin, who hung out with me a lot. After a while, I started asserting myself a little too much, telling her off for not trusting me. I started shouting at her, being really angry and an overall mean-spirited person, which was something I didn't entirely like.

Looking back right now, there were so many things I could have done differently. If I were in that position today, I know for a fact that I would have been able to sit her down and comfort her, rather than make her feel even worse than she already did, having felt guilt for such poisonous feelings.

 

It started getting to a really bad point where I would start to intentionally ignore her for days on end, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when it went on for an entire month. Quite honestly I feel like going back and kicking myself in the face...

I don't know what got into me, but I screamed at her for finding someone attractive after months and months of her accusing me for having a thing with her cousin, or any of my friends.

Granted, she had no right to act the way she did, but neither did I. I was, quite frankly, a monster. I was handling things all wrong and I regret every second I made her feel horrible and put tears in her eyes.

This was a guy she'd been after for over a year, her first boyfriend, and I had to up and ruin it for her.

 

She called it off by essentially saying that she was toxic for me as I was for her, and for an entire 3 months I started beating myself up for having acted the way I did. She still is very special to me, and is completely irreplaceable. A lot of my friends told me that girls come and go, but it doesn't work like that with someone who was a very integral part of my life.

 

But yes, for a while I decided to put up no contact after begging her to see me in a different light. Thankfully for my plan, I did it in such a way that left the breakup hanging with no closure. I went no contact and generally illusive for a while, and started to question if being with her was what I really wanted, whether or not I really loved her, and more importantly, whether or not I could be independent in finding happiness.

 

The next few months proved that I could definitely find happiness on my own, having spent a while in uni, hanging out with my friends and pursuing my hobbies.

I was happy, and still am happy, but I still miss her.

I decided that I absolutely have to give this one last try before sealing the book once and for all. Doesn't matter if she ends up rejecting me or taking me back, but she means so much to me and I just absolutely need to at the very least see if it was meant to be. I'd honestly rather risk trying again than just sitting around dwelling and not knowing why I'm still obsessing over her.

 

I've talked to a lot of my friends about it, and even the ones who started off with telling me that it was a horrible idea have ended up telling me to at the very least do it with some grace and respect.

 

First off, which was easy enough, No Contact.

According to some mutual friends, this was really successful in having her miss me and have to rip out the band-aid. Whether or not we're getting back, this is how it has to be. It was the true test to whether or not I still love her, even in her absence or without me obsessing over her Twitter or Facebook. After a while, I decided to occasionally check her Twitter feed just to see that she's doing alright(she's out of town on a uni program in the Middle East, so naturally I'm really worried for her with so many things happening over there), and she still manages to find the time to obsess over talking bad about me and how horrible of a boyfriend I was.

This is good. I've still left an impression on her. Bad or good, it's still some form of passion and I'm still on her mind. I'd rather her be mad at me than to be indifferent and simply not care about me.

 

Step two, after ripping off the band-aid, working on myself.

Probably one of the most important bits, considering it was the dealbreaker on my decision to start trying to get back with her. I started working out again after getting really fat towards the end of the relationship(a lot of my close friends tell me I've gotten hot again so that's a good sign!!!), I've pursued my hobbies, I've retooled my wardrobe, I've gotten back to working on my music(coming up with an album next year, so this is kinda important haha) and have generally done a lot to change myself and better myself so that I'm happy with who I am and not have to be dependent on the approval of others.

So far? It's kinda working. I'm definitely much happier with who I am right now as opposed to the guy that got dumped 6 months ago. Even if she ends up saying no, I wouldn't have that much of a problem with it. If it's not really meant to be, then I guess that's fine. At least I'd find out.

 

Step three, which is honestly the hardest right now, is waiting.

It's been a long time since I last saw her in person, and she's off thousands of miles away from me. I'd send an e-mail to attempt to reconcile, but honestly that's the worst way imaginable in this scenario.

This is also convenient, because she only comes back to my country around mid-2015, which also gives me even more room to improve myself and to overall be presented as a more stable and attractive guy.

Another thread on here said that "only you being the best that you can be will be the only possible way in getting them back", so a lot of time would be necessary in bettering myself, in order to be attractive to her, and more importantly, to be a better person for myself. You must love yourself before loving others, and I'm only half way there. (I'm just really bored of waiting, quite honestly haha)

 

Step four is the reconciliation, which is still in its planning stages.

A previous ex of mine came up to me and told me that she'd do all she can to help me out with this plan, which at first felt strange considering our romantic history, but after explaining, she told me how much she wanted us back together and that having someone like her would be a strategically sound move, considering this girl's obsession with accusing her of wanting me back in the past. Quite honestly, I'm very glad to have friends like her

At the moment, the idea is for her to play cupid and to hook us up in at the very least getting to talk, and here is our logic behind it:

The breakup had no closure, and her recent behaviour has shown that she's really upset at me and I'm still lingering at the back of her mind. This in itself gives me the advantage in that I'm giving her attention, especially after my makeover and change in physical appearance to give a brand new first impression. It will take some practice on my end, but I need to remain upbeat and generally lighthearted in my encounter with her, intriguing her at the very least.

 

Again, no guarantees that any of this works, but I'm giving it a shot.

And trust me, a lot of people have tried to tell me to cut it out, and like I said before, these are the ones that ended up giving me advice in not screwing this up real bad

I've only got one shot at this before I'm giving it a rest. She's too good of a girl to have someone like me harassing her after another rejection, and a second failure would only just be the final nail in the coffin, honestly.

 

I thought I'd air this out to get some opinions, possibly some advice to those in need, and to generally organize my mind, I suppose.

Ask me about anything, because I generally the kind of guy to end up forgetting some important details, in case anything didn't make sense

Above all, wish me luck!

[travelbug1996]

I hear you saying how you're working on yourself physically etc. I guess my question is how do you change from being a nasty person (screaming in her face and ignoring her, which are 2 of the worst things you can do to a person) to a kind person? There is something in your personality that allows you to be that mean and dismissive.

 

What are you gonna do to change your personality? No offense.

[Whatshisface]

I hear you saying how you're working on yourself physically etc. I guess my question is how do you change from being a nasty person (screaming in her face and ignoring her, which are 2 of the worst things you can do to a person) to a kind person? There is something in your personality that allows you to be that mean and dismissive.

 

What are you gonna do to change your personality? No offense.

 

None taken at all, glad you asked!

 

My problem with what I did was that it was completely out of character. I'm usually the kind of guy who's quiet and generally nice. What she once found attractive about me was how nice and generous I could be, and I would also be very spontaneous as well. When I want to be, I can be very caring and affectionate.

 

My issue is that I'm like this to everyone I know, but it's not as if I'm the Clark Kent of emotions either. I have issues too, one of those at one point were her constant toxicity to any other girl in my life and her clinginess, and also her issues with me that she never brought up and instead decided to make my life living hell with being passive aggressive and talking bad about me behind my back. I realize the issue with our relationship was a severe disconnect in communication, which is something I am now more aware of and targeting straight for.

 

Another problem with this is that I rarely have people I have power over, or am allowed to be assertive towards. Here comes this girl that is probably the only person in my life that is at my mercy, so naturally I tended to lash out on her. It was horrible, and it felt really bad every time I did it. You know that feeling when you eat too damn much and you end up throwing up to the point of not being able to throw up anymore, and you start gagging to the point that your stomach hurts a lot?

 

In discovering this, I realized that I needed to generally be a lot more assertive around people. I need to be able to stand my ground without being venomous towards the people that I love, which is something I've been getting a lot better at.

 

At the moment, I feel as if that's probably it and my people skills are probably my only issue. That said, while I've identified and rectified that problem in myself, I also fully understand that there's probably a lot more wrong with me that I'm probably not aware of, as such is why I'm maintaining NC to be able to give myself time to work out the kinks and see what I can do to be better.

 

In not having an extra obligation in my life, I've started to be more focused on my tasks at hand including my assignments and my album, and I've learned about hard work and perseverance. Each and every single task and responsibility requires utmost focus and attention if you want to do it right, and you can never leave room for assumptions. I'm learning to maintain my nice and generous character while keeping assertiveness and getting my word across clearly, and I can guarantee that I'm well on my way.