My husband's female friend (Updated)

[merrmeade]

Thank you for your post. I am trying to figure out my next move from here, getting my ducks together I guess. I just thought that it was a good sign how he dismissed her. My H can be too nice but he didn't talk to her when asked. He has cut her off for the most part, is trying to get things straight at home so we can be a family again and agreed to MC, how is that not showing remorse? I'm just confused because he isn't sneaking around anymore so he must be sorry right?

Ummm. Not exactly.

 

Let’s back up. What was it that you hoped would happen? What is your goal here? To get him back and make sure they’re not in contact? If that’s enough, then much of this advice would have been quite confusing.

 

There’s not a rulebook that says x, y, z needs to happen. And what is good or bad following dDay depends on what you want or hope will happen, what your goal is. If all you want is to get him back and make sure the A is over, then the discussion is far simpler.

 

Remorse is about you and what he did to you. It’s his deep regret for having hurt you. He expresses remorse through words and then actions to regain the your trust. It’s possible he’s sorry for some of his actions But deep regret and willingness to do whatever is necessary to help you heal is different.

 

The first way the WS shows this deep regret is though the spouse’s agreement to establish No Contact with the OW. No contact, none, not even a FB chat. So don't think that happened here or even close.

 

Ok. So maybe you weren’t ready for some of these suggestions.

 

There are books you can read to help you get more in touch with your own feelings and help you interpret what he’s doing and why. It would help you identify his behavior and look more introspectively at the causes. Here are some suggestions:

 

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

Not Just Friends

After the Affair

 

for starters.... Good luck and think about getting some counseling maybe to sort out what's important here?

Edited November 13, 2014 by merrmeade

[Bartlett67]

thanks. I do know that he did not call her. Thanks for the advice, i am still figuring out my next move. But does anybody think this is a step in the right direction for him to leave her alone 100%?

 

Last time the OW sent my H yet another unwelcome email (he's answered none of them, and shown them all to me immediately without my snooping) he relied. Subject line "f*ck off." Body of email: "lose my contact information."

 

We've heard not a peep from her since. If he really wants to end contact, it isn't terribly hard to be emphatic enough as to no confusion in her mind. If he isn't doing that,well, he's playing with you.

[Bartlett67]

I'm on a Mobile device, so sorry bout the errors.

[confusedwifey81]

Last time the OW sent my H yet another unwelcome email (he's answered none of them, and shown them all to me immediately without my snooping) he relied. Subject line "f*ck off." Body of email: "lose my contact information."

 

We've heard not a peep from her since. If he really wants to end contact, it isn't terribly hard to be emphatic enough as to no confusion in her mind. If he isn't doing that,well, he's playing with you.

I am sorry but I am not sure what you mean? I know you said you were on a mobile device?

[Bartlett67]

The only reply she's had from him to her several emails since he rid himself of her was an email, the subject line of which was "f*ck off" and the body of wich read " lose my contact information." That's a NC letter. There should be no wiggle in it. Anything less and I'm out. I've alredy been out, in fact. Filed for D and moved. I called off the D after a few months of being back with him in which he managed to prove to me that he was for real. It was within a signature of being final.

[confusedwifey81]

The only reply she's had from him to her several emails since he rid himself of her was an email, the subject line of which was "f*ck off" and the body of wich read " lose my contact information." That's a NC letter. There should be no wiggle in it. Anything less and I'm out. I've alredy been out, in fact. Filed for D and moved. I called off the D after a few months of being back with him in which he managed to prove to me that he was for real. It was within a signature of being final.

so you are saying my H didn't do enough to close the door of communication with her? I was just thinking why does he not just tell her goodbye forever, do not contact him anymore?

[Bartlett67]

That's exactly what Im saying. He playing you. If you let him, then be prepared for more crapola.

[merrmeade]

That's exactly what Im saying. He playing you. If you let him, then be prepared for more crapola.

Bartlett made it clearer. Yes. Cold turkey. But your H has to agree to do it and to tell you every time she contacts him.

 

But if this happens, it also means you might have to tell him that you know that he has been in contact with her and how you know. Are you ready for that? How do you think he will react?

 

If he's truly remorseful, he would understand why - because he's given you no reason to trust him and you won't be able to trust him until he goes NC, is transparent with you and accepts that you will need to check.

 

Someone recommended I give my H the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" right after my d-day. It helped us both a lot. Helped me talk to him and helped him understand what I needed - for a while.

 

FYI - site with samples of NC letters:

http://affaircare.com/articles/sample-no-contact-letters/

Edited November 15, 2014 by merrmeade
more info

[LifesontheUp]

He was sorry when he confessed his cheating. He told me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me. That sometimes men just cheat. He just wanted to move past it as quick as possible and didn't want to do any therapy

 

This really stood out to me.

 

Why on earth would you stay with someone who thinks like this. He's a serial cheater with no remorse.

 

Surely you can see you and your kids deserve better. No amount of marriage counselling is going to fix him, he's got entitlement issues and is never going to change. Run as fast as you can imo

[elaine567]

I think though you have to realise you are not dealing with children here, you are dealing with adults, adults that have been so close they formed a relationship. Adults are clever, adults sent the man to the moon and discovered the human genome, do not underestimate the intelligence of cheating people.

If they can get away with anything behind your back they will.

They will lie and cheat and say anything to your face to get you off their backs, be alert, look at the actions do not be swayed by the sweet words.

Men do not just cheat, they cheat because they do not respect the person they are with enough to stay faithful.

 

He tested your boundaries when you were engaged and that told him it was OK to cheat, as despite the chlamydia you married him anyway and he kept cheating. You moved out, he struck up a friendship and now you want him back, but it will still be on his terms.

In his mind, you are still besotted, because you came racing back to him wanting things to work, as soon as you found he had someone else. You were jealous.

He has no reason to stop his wandering ways, because he has you in the palm of his hand, he can have his cake and eat it and there is little you can do about it.

 

I was just thinking why does he not just tell her goodbye forever, do not contact him anymore?

Because he doesn't want to.

[cif]

The affair may have gone underground. How can you be so sure he hasn't called her back? He may have used his work or a burner phone.. or messaging apps.

 

Look up how to take an affair underground and you'll find all the creative ways not to get busted cheating. While you're at it look up VARs and keyloggers, how to catch a cheater, etc.

 

OP, I hope your husband isn't cheating but your history together has me believing otherwise.

[confusedwifey81]

So I have been doing more snooping and I went way far back to the summer months and I saw some more messages that lead me to believe that he was lying about what kind of friendship they had...I guess they knew each other from before we married but lost touch for a few years. I saw a text he sent her one night, he asked her why she stopped talking to him in the past and that they could have been happily married now. He seemed upset like she broke his heart or something (this was before we married)...he also told her a part of his heart would always belong to her when I am his wife and it should only belong to me. I am thinking about divorce. He is more educated than I and make more money, so could I apply for spousal support? What about the house? It is his but he put my name on it as well when we married, also can I get support from him for my child (not his biologically)? Also how much will it go in my favor if I file for divorce based on infidelity?

Edited November 17, 2014 by confusedwifey81

[Lurkeraspect]

So I have been doing more snooping and I went way far back to the summer months and I saw some more messages that lead me to believe that he was lying about what kind of friendship they had...I guess they knew each other from before we married but lost touch for a few years. I saw a text he sent her one night, he asked her why she stopped talking to him in the past and that they could have been happily married now. He seemed upset like she broke his heart or something (this was before we married)...he also told her a part of his heart would always belong to her when I am his wife and it should only belong to me. I am thinking about divorce. He is more educated than I and make more money, so could I apply for spousal support? What about the house? It is his but he put my name on it as well when we married, also can I get support from him for my child (not his biologically)? Also how much will it go in my favor if I file for divorce based on infidelity?

 

Do you live in a no-fault state? If yes, infidelity doesn't matter. Has he legally adopted your child? If not, then he more than likely won't pay child support. As far as spousal support, my state granted one year of support for every seven years married. You need to seek legal advice to find out where you stand. Today.

[LifesontheUp]

I can't offer you legal advice, a lawyer will give that state appropriate.

 

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to read what you found. It sucks, but at least you know now and my original advice still stands - get shot of the man, he really is a douche bag. You and your child are so much better without him imo

[confusedwifey81]

During my husband's friendship with this girl, he told her "a corner of his heart will always belong to her, that it has her name on it". I know he liked her a lot even before we met and got married. Why would he say this to her?? Does he mean it??

[goodyblue]

You keep asking questions that you already have the answers for. He is having an affair. He has a relationship with her that is parallel to yours. The fact that you do not want to know does not make it any less true. Telling you right now he is telling her that he cant leave you now because of kids, finances, guilt, et cetera, et al.

 

He is telling her that even though he cant leave right now that she will always have a piece of his heart and maybe in the future they can have an open relationship. Trust me, i know what i am talking about.

Edited November 24, 2014 by goodyblue

[gettingstronger]

Who knows- maybe he means it, maybe he is just playing with her mind, either way-its not OK for a married man to do this-

[elaine567]

I agree with goodyblue.

This was obviously not a "purely for sex" affair, this was I guess "love".

By saying this, he is saying to his "friend".

"I need to go away just now to sort some stuff out, but I am not really ending anything, just stick around.

Your name is still on my heart."

 

Confusedwifey you are only 3 years married, yet he has shown himself to be cheater at least twice in that time. He even cheated 2 weeks away from your wedding for goodness sake!!

 

Your daughter deserves a better role model, you deserve better treatment and this problem cannot keep being swept under the rug. It happened, it will happen again. You are fooling yourself if you think it won't.

Only 3 years into your marriage and he has some other woman's name on his heart...!!!

You have fundamentally different goals too, you want more children, he is done with having children.

Please WAKE UP!!! before you ruin any more of your life.

[goodyblue]

The first thing you should do is stop calling it a friendship. They are not friends.

[Man Mountain Makino]

During my husband's friendship with this girl, he told her "a corner of his heart will always belong to her, that it has her name on it". I know he liked her a lot even before we met and got married. Why would he say this to her?? Does he mean it??

Guys say all sorts of things to women they are in a relationship with. Odds are he doesn't mean it, because really what does that exactly mean? The heart has no corners, part of his heart can't belong to her in any meaningful way, and there's no name on it.

 

I'd bet its just a line. Women fall for it, especially girls sixteen or so, and women over 40.

[elaine567]

Guys say all sorts of things to women they are in a relationship with. Odds are he doesn't mean it, because really what does that exactly mean? The heart has no corners, part of his heart can't belong to her in any meaningful way, and there's no name on it.

 

I'd bet its just a line. Women fall for it, especially girls sixteen or so, and women over 40.

 

Of course, we all know that his heart literally doesn't have his name on it and the lady in question is in her 20's actually.

I am sure many of us will take exception to your "Women fall for it, especially girls sixteen or so, and women over 40" - is that when women's brain cells decide to go for a hike, in your opinion?

[Standard-Fare]

How do you know he said this? How long ago was it? And did the two of them ever date?

 

An ex of mine told me something just this when we caught up with each other about a year and a half after our breakup, and it was clear we'd never get back together. Honestly it meant the world to me. And I feel that same way about all of my exes. They do hold a piece of your heart forever.

[confusedwifey81]

Guys say all sorts of things to women they are in a relationship with. Odds are he doesn't mean it, because really what does that exactly mean? The heart has no corners, part of his heart can't belong to her in any meaningful way, and there's no name on it.

 

I'd bet its just a line. Women fall for it, especially girls sixteen or so, and women over 40.

I am sure he didn't mean it literally, he was just saying she had her place in his heart too.

[confusedwifey81]

How do you know he said this? How long ago was it? And did the two of them ever date?

 

An ex of mine told me something just this when we caught up with each other about a year and a half after our breakup, and it was clear we'd never get back together. Honestly it meant the world to me. And I feel that same way about all of my exes. They do hold a piece of your heart forever.

From messages i have read between them. He said this to her late summer, during their "friendship".

 

No they did not date, he liked her alot in the past and wanted to date her but she decided to go back to an exBF and cut my H off and then shortly after we met...

[confusedwifey81]

I agree with goodyblue.

This was obviously not a "purely for sex" affair, this was I guess "love".

By saying this, he is saying to his "friend".

"I need to go away just now to sort some stuff out, but I am not really ending anything, just stick around.

Your name is still on my heart."

 

Confusedwifey you are only 3 years married, yet he has shown himself to be cheater at least twice in that time. He even cheated 2 weeks away from your wedding for goodness sake!!

 

Your daughter deserves a better role model, you deserve better treatment and this problem cannot keep being swept under the rug. It happened, it will happen again. You are fooling yourself if you think it won't.

Only 3 years into your marriage and he has some other woman's name on his heart...!!!

You have fundamentally different goals too, you want more children, he is done with having children.

Please WAKE UP!!! before you ruin any more of your life.

Thank you for your advice. I am going to give MC a try and if it doesn't work, I am done. You are right I do deserve better. I just think it may be unfair to walk away if there is a chance therapy will help us, if it won't then I am done.