Struggling to cope with ex gf that left me for another guy

[Drandazzo]

Hi All,

 

I want to provide some background info on what I am currently going through.

 

Our relationship of just over 2 years seems to have its ups and downs like everyone goes through, nothing significant - we had our 2 year anniversary on 4th September and she bought a gift for our anniversary which was great and we really enjoyed our time together.

 

I have 2 kids in my relationship and she has 1 kid, both from our previous marriages, she had a habit of only being out of a relationship for less then a month before jumping into the relationship with me, which lasted all this time.

 

On 20th September, I drop off her and her son at the airport for a holiday in Northern Australia and I didn't have much contact with her as I had my children during that period too and I was spending time with them, down south... anyhow to cut a long story short, she asked to be picked up on the 27th September late evening after 9:30pm from the airport - I said I couldn't as I had to put my kids to sleep. So she got her ex husband to pick her up. She texted me that night and said she arrived well and safe at her house. So all good.

 

On the 28th of September I got to her house after dropping my kids off at my ex's place and this when it started, she stated the following;

a) Your not committed to the relationship, b) I do not see a future with you, c) I can't live with your children, d) you have different family values in raising children... and the list goes on... I called her during work, during that day and said lets go out tonight - she refused and was distant and didn't really want to discuss. That night we got home at her house and she started at me again, so I packed my bags and left, she asked me for the key, we both said to each other good luck in the future. Quite honestly - I was exhausted, I couldn't cope with her behaviour, so I walked out... during the following days, she would text me and email me saying to pick up my stuff etc.. and I said not in a rush.. and I delayed the responses, purely because I didn't want to talk to her - I was angry, that she told me, I treat her residence as a hostel.

 

I immediately went into NC, on Thursday 16th of October after NC, I called her up, crying, emotional - yeah yeah I know... and saying I love her and I want to make this work, she said no she doesn't see a future, and brought up all this negative issues within our relationship and she stated it is best that I move on and find someone else - this is when I suspected she had found someone else. So I went back into NC until Friday 7th of November, called her up again and said I want to give this another go, she said "Daniel, I have drawn a line in the sand and have moved on, she said in her mind she moved on months earlier" - I said to her that I have done activities to keep myself fit and work on myself, and I want to start with a clean slate and move forward. She knew it was my free weekend (like hers) with no kids and I said lets catch up on the weekend - she said No she is busy. I decided to drop her an email on Saturday 8th of November which was a seed letter, stating that I accept her decision, apologise for my behaviour, wanted closure, and then I had 6 weeks to reflect and I had worked on myself and have some exciting times ahead.. etc... On Sunday 9th of November (Today) I sent her a text message stating, I am in the area I want to pick up the rest of my stuff and get this OVER and DONE with - as in complete, she texted me back saying its not a good idea, I said for her to call me, she did, and I said - I don't care if you have someone else I just want my stuff, and she said - I have moved on, I have someone else, he is hear with me, he spent the weekend with me, are you sure you want to come over, I said ohh how long have you been seeing him for - she said none of your business - which she is right, I dropped it and didn't ask further as I felt it was inappropriate. I said its probably kind of awkward so lets leave it for another time and ended the conversation.

 

She had time to dwell on the relationship while on holidays - and came to the conclusion. Months earlier she started buying new clothes and putting on perfume and was not as interment during sex, also the stress that her ex husband deceived her that he stated he had no money and he ended up buying a house contributed to her behaviour change to. As she wanted a future to buy a house together and have a family. She used to work back on a Thursday night which changed from a few months ago too, she also stated that there have been instances where husbands wives etc have left each other for work colleagues at this place of work (this was mentioned during our relationship). So I am adding 2 and 2 together and assumed that she court shipped a work colleague and had him in her sights - pure speculation though.

 

So this is what I have been doing,

*Going to the GYM and lost 15kg during the 6 weeks

*Joined a walking / hiking group on Meetup.com

*Catching up with friends, keeping myself busy

*Went on a date Saturday night with a girl I "REALLY LIKE" she is gorgeous and we have similar values - though she is very and busy and doesn't respond to texts quickly - usually takes her a day - so looks like she is taking it slow. Though we did text each other today (1 text each), stating it was nice to meet her in person last night, and she responded the same good to meet you too, she also asked how my hike was etc... I responded she didn't lol... so I just got to sit and wait.

 

SO million dollar questions - do I go into NC - which I suspect the answer is yes, is her relationship 2 weeks after our breakup a rebound? she is quite adamant that she has moved on - though I believe he is a ME replacement.

 

Anyhow - bottom line is I am struggling, probably due to self confidence, do I want her back - I am not sure, I love her, she says she doesn't love me. Is her relationship a rebound, will it last, I don't know... anyhow I am doing all I can working on myself, fact is I am struggling, stomach is in knots, I can't sleep, she said she has mentally moved on from the 16th of October.... so I don't know... anyone want to decode this...

 

Thank you

Edited November 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dclan]

1) The problem with her:

 

This situations are usually awfull, and very hard to deal with. Specially because the dumper acts extremly cold towards you, for no reason at all

 

Ok so here is my perspective:

 

The reasons she gave you about the two of you being incompatible for starting a family, may probably be true. Obviously she is (like most dumpers do) exaggerating this, because I seriously doubt you guys are THAT incompatible.

 

However, given that she is divorced, and her husband seems to have damaged her, she is probably very insecure about the little things that make up the relationship. I believe that, she lets her insecurities take over her, and makes her react in a bad way about the smallet things:

 

"OMG you left that plate in the sink without cleaning it!!! HOW can you be like that!!!! THIS can't work!!!!! WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE FOR EACH OTHER!!! YOU ARE JUST LIKE my ex!!!WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!"

 

2)The other guy:

 

So, eventually she meets another guy at work. Now I know this is probably the worst, and makes you feel as if you were easily replaceable. Don't feel this way. Let me explain what happens:

 

a) The new guy is a blank slate; he has not faults (that she knows off), and she can imagine having a "better" relationship with him, without the bad parts of your relationship.

 

b) The guy obviously "sells" himself to her as a better choice. This is something very low most guys do when they chase after a girl who is in a relationship. And they can do this because, as a "friend", they know what bothers her about her relationship. Let me give you an example:

 

Lets say she, confided in him that it bothers her that, for example, you let your kids watch horror movies, despite them being too young. He would reply with something like:

 

"-If I had a kid, I would never let him watch horro movies, until he is the proper age!".

 

Or some douchebag move like that. The truth is the guy might not even have kids, so making up a lie like that, just to make himself look like the better choice, its rather easy.

 

So its not that the other guy is better than you. Please don't think that. Its just that, in her current view, she feels she might have a better relationship with this guy....but trust me, she probably won't.

 

3) Whats going to happen?:

 

Well first things first. What should you do? Well, go NC inmmediatly.

 

Even if you want to have hope that you will get back together with her, you should ignore her, and try to move on. The reason is simple:

 

right now there is nothing you can do about her

 

Even if she still has feelings for you, she is convinced that the other guy might bring him a better life. This is probably not going to happen. Yet, if indeed you guys are meant to get back together, she needs to realise this.

 

The best thing you can do, for yourself, is move on. Worry about yourself.

 

In time, you'll realise she is not worth it. Even if she wants to come back in the future, you need to, at least for the next 6 months, avoid thinking about her.

 

However, let me tell you something, because I understand that right now, you are hurt, and hopefull, and sad about her new relationship.

 

You ex clearly has failed relationship issues, that I assume have everything to do with her previous divorce. Chances are that this "new guy" is not her soul mate. Specially because most guys that chase after a girl in a commited relationship, tend to tell lots of lies, to present themselves as better candidates for them.

 

If you also add into the mix that, she will probably rush into things, going very fast with the new relationship (she will probably move in with the guy right away).

 

Most likely, that relationship will utterly fail.

 

This is because of over-expectation. She believes her new relationship will have all the good parts of her previous relationships, without bad things.

 

Eventually she will discover that her new partner, has as many faults as you and her ex husband did. And her insecurities will take over her again. The only difference is that, she expected too much from this one.

 

She will expect him to be, for example, a terrific step dad, yet....its highly unlikely he will be one.

 

She will ruin herself, again.

 

Yet I'm not telling you this so you hang by the phone for months waiting for her to call. If she is ever to return, it might take years. And the most probable thing that will happen, is that you will reject her.

 

I'm just telling you this last thing, to give you back some confindence. One of the hardest things to deal with, is the feeling of your ex being extremly happy while you are miserable.

 

And eventually, it will be you that'll find happines with another women, while her new relationship will probably collapse.

 

So...move on, forget. At least, the first few months, try to put your feelings in like a "time out".

 

Hope it helps

Edited November 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SoThatHappened]

Absolute great post, dclan.

[Drandazzo]

Great post thank you, there had been other issues she had raised - she couldn't stand being around my children, thought their values were different to her child. Eg. Children fight especially brothers and sisters (my 2 kids) - she did'nt see this as normal. I am not a helicopter parent - she is, and wants total control of when the child eat sleeps drinks breathes etc... I felt sometimes I was being controlled too as there had been certain things I was not allowed to do - eg. I used to do additional sporting activities she said you don't spend enough time with me... Etc.. So I found I couldn't have my own hobbies independent of hers in our relationship... Look it's only been 6 weeks since break up, but am getting a lot better... As I know it was never going to work because she didn't accept my kids... After all isn't love revolve around acceptance and respect?

 

Everyday I look at this I think I got a "get out of jail free card"

 

Thanks for the post, concentrating on my next date - taking it slow, but I really like her and do t want to stuff this one up.

Edited November 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lakerman34]

I, too, am struggling with this.

 

My ex left me for a guy who looks exactly like me (except shorter and not as built).

 

You have to seriously not care. Just don't give a damn about it. If anything, be happy b/c they are someone elses problem now.

 

I thought about why I was so hung up on my ex. I realized, for me, it was the easy, convenient sex. This last Thursday, I engaged in a one night stand, and it made me realize that getting sex was relatively easy, so all the bipolar **** my ex put me through, THAT'S all I'm REALLY missing in life.

 

The new guy won't have your ex at the same place you did emotionally. Not for a while, anyways. In her history, right now, you have more "power" than he does. You are more memorable. He, on the other hand, is tasting your dick.

 

Hang out with your guy friends. **** talk your ex. Go out and change your mentality to "I'm going out with my bros to have a good time." You'll be surprised how girls react to THAT guy as opposed to the "I'm looking for some" guy.

 

Workout. It reduces stress. Read, it makes you a better product for the ladies. Work extra hard at work. It keeps your mind off of things, your boss will love you, and who knows? You might be up for a promotion sooner than you think.

 

Next girl, take things REALLY slow with her if you see long-term potential. Better to move too slowly than too quickly. Trust me on that one.

 

EDIT: Skimming your post, didn't realize children were involved. Still, she couldn't stand being around your children? F her then. Some other dude's problem.

[Drandazzo]

 

Next girl, take things REALLY slow with her if you see long-term potential. Better to move too slowly than too quickly. Trust me on that one.

 

EDIT: Skimming your post, didn't realize children were involved. Still, she couldn't stand being around your children? F her then. Some other dude's problem.

 

I am taking slowly with this girl I just met, we went on a date Saturday night, she is gorgeous - personality wise. I actually like her a lot compared to the other girls I have dated.. and our discussions was free flowing we locked eyes quite a bit, though I am frustrated as she is a little slow on text responses and hasn't responded to my text from yesterday evening.

 

The thing about the children - I genuinely feel guilty - my kids come first, she was very jealous of my kids because of this and I used to tell you it is best you find someone with no kids... Her culture background is different she is german been in Australia for 3 years, on a sub class spousal visa from her ex husband which is still here (did I say sub class spousal visa and is now separated from him), no wonder why she wants commitment from me, family, kids, etc.. Was for her own agenda... It's all starting to add up now

 

More I read the posts of support the better I feel.... Thanks everyone

[dclan]

Anyways, she seems very controlling and insecure, specially about trying to control your hobbies, your children and stuff. Its as if she needs to know your every move (her ex husband probably cheated on her or something, and this is why she behaves like this).

 

She wants her family to be "the way she wants", as in, children not fighting, and you doing everything she wants. This is, as proven, imposible.

 

You are better off without her.

 

Absolute great post, dclan.

 

thnx!

[Drandazzo]

Its as if she needs to know your every move (her ex husband probably cheated on her or something, and this is why she behaves like this).

thnx!

 

No her ex husband never cheated on her - infact this is what I suspect that while she was in a relationship with her ex husband she found me, and told me she wasn't in a relationship - she then told her ex husband that she will be spending the night with me and they are broken up. This came a surprise to her ex husband and he started to cry... I felt sorry for him as I thought they were genuinely separated. He (her ex husband) never wanted to meet me as he always thought that she cheated on him. Something I am now starting to realise how wrong this relationship was to being with.

 

Also she had me on find friends to find out where I was.

 

Anyhow regardless of this I suspect that she has told this guy some things - and if he is smart enough it will raise red flags like it did with me. I could never take her serious but hell the sex was great and she had an amazing body

 

So why am I struggling it is not because I have lost her - it's because of the rejection.

[dclan]

No her ex husband never cheated on her - infact this is what I suspect that while she was in a relationship with her ex husband she found me, and told me she wasn't in a relationship - she then told her ex husband that she will be spending the night with me and they are broken up. This came a surprise to her ex husband and he started to cry... I felt sorry for him as I thought they were genuinely separated. He (her ex husband) never wanted to meet me as he always thought that she cheated on him. Something I am now starting to realise how wrong this relationship was to being with.

 

Also she had me on find friends to find out where I was.

 

Anyhow regardless of this I suspect that she has told this guy some things - and if he is smart enough it will raise red flags like it did with me. I could never take her serious but hell the sex was great and she had an amazing body

 

So why am I struggling it is not because I have lost her - it's because of the rejection.

 

Well, but in a way, you have it easy then.

 

The rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with. Yet, it is her the one that keeps jumping relationships, ruining one after the other for stupid reasons.

 

You shouldn't feel rejected, because in all honesty, almost no man would ever be able to make her feel happy.

 

She ruined her marriage, she ruined the relationship with you, and she will ruin this new relationship.

 

Don't feel rejected, if the person who rejected you is incapable of a relationship.

[Drandazzo]

Well, but in a way, you have it easy then.

 

The rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with. Yet, it is her the one that keeps jumping relationships, ruining one after the other for stupid reasons.

 

You shouldn't feel rejected, because in all honesty, almost no man would ever be able to make her feel happy.

 

She ruined her marriage, she ruined the relationship with you, and she will ruin this new relationship.

 

Don't feel rejected, if the person who rejected you is incapable of a relationship.

 

Thanks I am getting or trying to get over the rejection phase now - through hard work such as fitness and eating right, getting my body back in order.

 

I just hope she calls or makes contact with me if this relationship fails for her, so I can politely tell her what a big mistake she made - just like my previous ex. Then again I need to change my habits and not be as generous like I was in previous relationships flashing my wallet...

[dclan]

Thanks I am getting or trying to get over the rejection phase now - through hard work such as fitness and eating right, getting my body back in order.

 

I just hope she calls or makes contact with me if this relationship fails for her, so I can politely tell her what a big mistake she made - just like my previous ex. Then again I need to change my habits and not be as generous like I was in previous relationships flashing my wallet...

 

You know, despite the fact that being able to turn down the person who dumped you is an amazing feeling, something that completly restores your pride....

 

...you shouldn't have hope on it. Some dumpers do come back, yet most dumpers that end things they way yours did usually don't call again. Because of 2 reasons:

 

1) The dumper has too much pride, and will never dare to "lower" themselves to begging back something they once threw away....even if they miss them a lot and really did love them.

 

2) The dumper is too ashamed for how he/she ended things: either for being cold, for cheating, for jumping to a new relationship, etc; its like they know they screwed up big time, so even if they miss you, they know they ruined it.

 

Now, I'm not saying your dumper won't be thinking about you, or won't be making contact in the future. No one really knows. The thing is that...because of they way she ended things (being cold, heartless, jumping to a new relationship and treating you like crap), even if she starts missing you a LOT and despite loving you again, its most likely she WON'T call you...given her personality.

 

Honestly, you truly dodged a bullet. Its best to move on.

[Drandazzo]

You know, despite the fact that being able to turn down the person who dumped you is an amazing feeling, something that completly restores your pride....

 

...you shouldn't have hope on it. Some dumpers do come back, yet most dumpers that end things they way yours did usually don't call again. Because of 2 reasons:

 

1) The dumper has too much pride, and will never dare to "lower" themselves to begging back something they once threw away....even if they miss them a lot and really did love them.

 

2) The dumper is too ashamed for how he/she ended things: either for being cold, for cheating, for jumping to a new relationship, etc; its like they know they screwed up big time, so even if they miss you, they know they ruined it.

 

Now, I'm not saying your dumper won't be thinking about you, or won't be making contact in the future. No one really knows. The thing is that...because of they way she ended things (being cold, heartless, jumping to a new relationship and treating you like crap), even if she starts missing you a LOT and despite loving you again, its most likely she WON'T call you...given her personality.

 

Honestly, you truly dodged a bullet. Its best to move on.

 

Thank you this forum has helped me a lot... And yes I have dodged a bullet (your not the first to say that btw), as I said I love her, but don't want her back purely because I could never trust her again. Besides that my interest level is with another girl I dated on Saturday and we are taking that sloooow... Anyhow only reason I am struggling is self confidence and that's it....

 

Thank you again you have been great..

[Drandazzo]

Feeling frustrated today... not sure why.. Not sure if it's the emotions... I know breakup is ok as looking back I sometimes felt depressed in the relationship... though I am frustrated as I miss the companionship more then anything... Is this normal... I am weighing up the pros and cons.. I have my sanity, I have my space, I got no one to bust my balls... But am I rushing to find another woman???

[Drandazzo]

Thanks everyone who has supported me on this thread, just an update... I have another date (with a different woman) tonight, the other date with the other woman previously (different to this one) went well and we are in the process of organising another date... And I have a 3rd one on the go soon... But I have a strong gut feeling my ex is missing me and I just laughed it off... Even though we spent 2 years of our life together looking back she did have an agenda... It's amazing what you can see once you step out of the relationship - and no she never loved me.

[dclan]

See? You have 3 girls chasing after you....

 

How the hell can you be depressed? Player!:cool:

 

Its ok, maybe your ex is missing you (even if she didn't love you)

 

Trust me...her whole "Oh I'm so happy" won't last. But you on the other hand...are doing great.

 

There are bad days, and good days. Sometimes, your ex suddenly pops into your head, and starts making a mess with your feelings. Don't worry, its temporary. The best thing to do when this happens is say to yourself:

 

"Screw this thoughts, lets watch some tv!"-

 

You are doing great

[SoThatHappened]

Sometimes, your ex suddenly pops into your head, and starts making a mess with your feelings. Don't worry, its temporary. The best thing to do when this happens is say to yourself:

 

"Screw this thoughts, lets watch some tv!"-

Or:

 

Screw that, I'll call hottie #2 to see if she wants to go for a drink tonight. If not, I'll call hottie #3 to see if she's free for a comedy show.

 

The world is now your oyster, my man.

[Drandazzo]

I just want everyone to know if I can do it, so can you... Living alone is not that bad after all.. You get all the freedom in the world, you get to do what you want without someone constantly telling you off. And also you can go out with your mates that you previously had without being nagged.

 

My advise is this,

Hit the gym and get fit, get your amazing body that you desired for... If gym is not your thing, go hiking and walking. Loose some weight, eat healthy food, keep active....

Join some groups on meetup.com in your local area and start socialising with people.

Treat yourself and buy something that you have always wanted.

Learn to spend alone time, to refrain from brining your baggage into the next relationship, your heart will tell you when your ready.

 

while I miss the looks and body of my previous relationships - my way needs to change too, I ended up with Trophy women for sex and looks which did not love me for whom I am (while you can pick this up with your gut instinct - I stupidly ignored it)... Don't settle for 2nd best, there is always someone out there for you - you will know it in your heart...

[Drandazzo]

Well I said I was going to take it real slow - I didnt - date 2 was infatuated with me I can't believe how high my confidence has shot up.. so much so that I got laid... She was telling me what a perfect guy I was, how good looking I am (sorry don't mean to blow my trumpet here)... etc etc...then she asked am I sure I ain't a player - I am not, but was a compliment...

 

You know from being really low 6 weeks ago it's been a complete turn around...

 

So my main question is why am I still thinking of my ex-gf? I get this energy feeling of regret and failure from her end - almost like I can feel she stuffed up.. And it's not working out with the replacement me.... Is this just ego talking?

[dclan]

Well I said I was going to take it real slow - I didnt - date 2 was infatuated with me I can't believe how high my confidence has shot up.. so much so that I got laid... She was telling me what a perfect guy I was, how good looking I am (sorry don't mean to blow my trumpet here)... etc etc...then she asked am I sure I ain't a player - I am not, but was a compliment...

 

You know from being really low 6 weeks ago it's been a complete turn around...

 

So my main question is why am I still thinking of my ex-gf? I get this energy feeling of regret and failure from her end - almost like I can feel she stuffed up.. And it's not working out with the replacement me.... Is this just ego talking?

 

Well its a recent break up.

 

Like I said...even if you know its for the best, even if everything seems to be going great, somtimes she will pop into your head and start making a mess.

 

And yeah, its also an ego things. For us men, I would say its at least 33% about the ego.

 

But eventually, you just won't care about her.

[Drandazzo]

Well its a recent break up.

 

Like I said...even if you know its for the best, even if everything seems to be going great, somtimes she will pop into your head and start making a mess.

 

And yeah, its also an ego things. For us men, I would say its at least 33% about the ego.

 

But eventually, you just won't care about her.

 

Thanks mate, bit by bit its getting better... I am very grateful for your assistance here you have helped me a lot..

 

I have my new girl coming over tonight so I am happy, she seems really nice...

 

I am now realising how wrong my previous relationship was given she did not accept my kids...

 

Thank you to everyone

Edited November 19, 2014 by Drandazzo

[SycamoreCircle]

Dclan, that first post by you is like TRUTH pouring from the heavens. It should be etched into stone somewhere.

 

OP, I would just add that while I think it's great you've got all this new female attention, be aware that these may only temporarily distract you from the larger pain. Be good to yourself but also be responsible with that pain and don't unwittingly drag a third party into this. Just saying...

 

Anyway, stay NC, know that there are others like you and that we have your back. Here's to your healing!

[Drandazzo]

Thanks for your kind words... I realise that I am currently in rebound - pain of ex is still there... I don't want to hurt this girl as she is very beautiful precious and this time I went for someone completely different as opposed to superficial and I really like her, though taking it slow...

 

Anyhow I am in NC since November 9th and decided to try and activate my facebook again and all the items of me and my ex are still there... and then seen a post on October 10th with a love heart stating love those who love you or something along those lines so I can tell she is hurting... Also what upset me is she added her new replacement me which is "complete opposite" to me... It was heart breaking seeing all out checkins 100's of photos of us together to the point that I could no longer cope and had to deactivate it again...

 

I just have a feeling that both of us are in rebound running parallel...

[SoThatHappened]

Have a friend get into your facebook account for you and remove all of the pictures, block her, and block others as necessary (her friends/family/etc.)

 

If you want, he can save those pictures on a thumb drive if you want to save them. I absolutely hate Facebook, but don't want you NOT doing something you like just because of an ex.

[me85]

I was cheated on and left for someone else. Before my current ex, I was always the type to have clean BUs with past lovers. I deleted all their contacts and pictures IMMEDIATELY after the BU. Very determined and impulsive, I am.

 

However, when me and my last ex BU it took me 16 months to delete pictures permanently (off my computer and phone.) Of course I deleted and blocked him from my FB and also deleted his pics from my FB right after BU but it took me up until this past Tuesday night to delete everything from everywhere.

 

Love takes time to heal man. It's a M...F'er.

[Drandazzo]

I guess I am holding on to hope - hoping something will happen... though I am just moving on with my life as it stands because with her rebound "there is nothing I can do" she made that very clear 3 weeks ago... Going to persist with NC and just hoping that she gets it!!! Btw. It was a replacement me father with 2 kids exactly how I am...