The pain from past events haunt me everyday...

[Ladiixmk]

Hi guys! So I have posted here plenty of times, but now I have a huge problem that I need to get rid of and I don't know where to start. I've realized that the pain of my freshman year of college still haunts me everyday.

 

I'll just start off with one of the incidents. Well, I was seeing a guy (no commitment). Everything started off completely fine - we went out on dates, we would go out to eat lunch/dinner, I was introduced to his friends, all of that. Then 3 months later, he did a complete 180. He started to stand me up, not respond to my texts, randomly end convos, etc. Then one day my friend caught him out with another girl at a party, feeling her up and then even left the party with her. I confronted him about it, and he lied to me, saying that the girl didn't mean much to him (she was only a friend), he doesn't want a relationship right now due to how damaged his past relationship was (oh so NOW he tells me this), and asked if we can stay friends for now and have something in the future . Naive me, I agreed.

But, something felt off. A couple of months later, my friend saw him out with the same girl going inside his dorm. I go on twitter, and he posts something like "thoughts of settling down now running through my head". I deleted him off of everything - Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, my contact list. We didn't talk for like two months, until the end of the semester when he asked to have a talk. He asked me why I was wasn't talking to him, and I told him straight up - you were still seeing the same girl behind my back, and I felt played/lied to.

This guy didn't even apologize. He just changed the subject right after - "oh so that's why you were upset, I was wondering. But anyways, how did your classes go this semester".

I'm still angered about the situation though - we're on good terms now (I won't go into what happened sophomore year), but what he had done still really hurt me.

 

ON TOP OF THIS, I was friends with this one female who ended up being terrible. I had posted almost everything she has done to me here , but if you don't want to read all of that, long story short, she was very hot and cold. One second she's really nice to me, then next second she's ditching me when we go out, talking about how anorexic I am getting, bringing up the situation with the boy even though I did not want to talk about it, and more.

 

I didn't really have anyone to talk to about anything going on in my life - I would bring it up with my floor mates and they would either ignore me or interrupt me to talk about themselves. So I dealt with most of my issues by myself. Didn't have anyone to go out with at all. Outside of that friend group, I just made a lot of acquaintances, but no close friends. I became really depressed.

 

As a result of all of this, I've noticed that I've become closed off to people, even my close friends. In my sophomore year I have met a group of people but most of them had graduated. This year, I'm trying my hardest to make close friendships, but it's really hard. I don't open up, I like to keep to myself, and this may give others the vibe that I'm stuck up when in actuality I'm not. I'm very involved too - I'm in a couple of clubs, I volunteer, and I also do dance. I'm also seeking counselling, but since my grandmother had recently passed away, they figure they would target that mostly instead...

 

I really don't know what to do. I think I have a lot of anger in myself - everyday I would picture myself talking to the boy or the girl and literally yelling at them, telling them how much they have hurt me. It lasts for about 30 minutes to even an hour. I've approached both situations very passively which I shouldn't have, so I think that's why me yelling at them keeps circulating in my head. I just have a lot of regrets from freshman year...

Edited November 9, 2014 by angelsface200

[lostwhoiam]

Have you tried meditation? You don't need to do it the ultra-spiritual way. You can do mindfulness meditation at http://www.headspace.com for pretty cheap. It's what I use.

 

You're right that the guy was a prick and sometimes I have the same issue where I'm just annoyed at myself for not having stood up for myself at the time and I want to go back and be more assertive. But what's done is done. All you can do is be more assertive in the future.

 

For now, you need to stop torturing yourself with your thoughts - because that's what's happening. These people have stopped torturing you, now you are torturing yourself. If you can learn to notice your thoughts/memories but not get attached to them and let them float back out of your mind while you continue focusing on what's actually happening to you right now, you can be happier.

 

Easier said than done, but y'know.