marriage in a really bad place

[misty12]

My husband and I met in college and have been married for 14 years, no kids. He is very honest, makes a good living, and we do enjoy spending time together. However, I have adhd and therefore I tend to lose or forget things, and am sometimes careless with objects. Whenever something happens, like a get a scratch on my car, or I can't find my keys, or the dog chewed my headphones because I didn't put them in a safe place, he goes into a rage and lashes out at me. He says the most horrible things, calling me a f*ing retard, idiot, loser etc.. Over time I became very accustomed to this and stopped reacting, thereby enabling this behavior. Especialy since we got along great 99% of the time i sort of put it in the back of my head.

 

Well 3 years ago we went to a new years party, and hubby got completely wasted and also smoked pot which he never does. He was completely out of his mind and ended up hooking up with the hostess of the party. I kind of noticed her coming on to him but didnt' think anything of it. They used to be friends with benefits in high school. He told me the following day, and felt extremely guilty and became extremely obsessive and depressed. I felt bad for him and forgave him.

 

Since that incident, he would have that same reaction when anything went wrong in his life. He had a career 'crisis' and could not stop obsessing over it, following me around the house complaining and with talk of self loathing and envy of successful people. This went on for several months and I begged him to get counseling. He went to one session, thought it was stupid, and quit.

 

I started to find myself less attracted to him. I engaged in 2 emotional affairs, which I do recognize was very wrong of me. Husband found out by seeing texts on my phone. He checked my phone records and saw hours and hours of phone calls. He couldn't believe how I could be so deceitful and betray him as such.

 

We are now in a place where we are so far apart..i emotionally checked out of the marriage a while back when I started resenting him. After years of saying he didn't see what was so wrong with yelling and calling me terrible names, he says he wants to stop now. He wants to rekindle our marriage but I am literallly repulsed by him. I don't know if I will ever get the feelings back. I am 40 and I'm not sure I want to waste more of my life trying to work something out because if it fails and I am even older it gets harder to date. I know most good men are not chasing after women in their mid 40's (even though I look like I'm in my early 30's right now). Where do I go from here?

[Arieswoman]

misty12,

 

Where do I go from here?

 

Your husband is abusive with personality problems which he won't address, you checked out of the marriage years ago, you've had 2 EAs and you really need to ask that question?

 

IMO the only place to go is to a divorce solicitor's office.

[mrstang69]

What do you consider an emotional affair?

[MTmama]

You married him for a reason. Can you remember what that was? Can you communicate to him how far your relationship has come? If he is willing to make changes, can you see your self giving him opportunity to change? Sometimes the best relationships come from a broken distant one like yours. Yes it takes work, but it is so worth it.

Edited November 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pteromom]

He wants to rekindle our marriage

 

Is he willing to go to counseling again to work on his issues? Without that commitment, his desire to rekindle the relationship means nothing.

 

I am literallly repulsed by him. I don't know if I will ever get the feelings back.

 

You don't know that until he actually does some work on himself and makes changes.

 

If he isn't willing to put in the work, then yes, you should move on.

[stillafool]

Have you thought of divorce?

[misty12]

Problem with getting him to work on himself is he cant see how damaging his behavior was to me all those years because he is so focused on my EA's. He feels that the EA's and lack of sexual desire towards him are more hurtful and abusive than any of the cruel things he said (he once told me I should do the world a favor and shoot myself, because I misplaced my car registration. Another time told me I'm severely mentally retarded, because I had to go back to the hotel room to get something I left there). He is so consumed by his own hurt he can't see mine. I am thinking of divorce but I'm torn.

[elaine567]

He is abusing you, no question.

 

Read "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven available on Kindle

[Friskyone4u]

Your husband is obsessing about your two EA affairs. You say it was wrong. What have you done to make him want to stop obsessing. He did a bad thing by hooking up at the party but he confessed and apparently beat himself up with remorse. You seem to be angry you got caught because of his reaction rather than remorseful and wanting to heal the relationship. If he had not caught you , you probably would have moved to PA with someone by now.

If therapy for both of you is not an n the cards, you need to divorce. You seem more concerned with your dating prospects now than improving your marriage, which is OK if that is what you want. The current state is not healthy for either of you .

[misty12]

Your husband is obsessing about your two EA affairs. You say it was wrong. What have you done to make him want to stop obsessing. He did a bad thing by hooking up at the party but he confessed and apparently beat himself up with remorse. You seem to be angry you got caught because of his reaction rather than remorseful and wanting to heal the relationship. If he had not caught you , you probably would have moved to PA with someone by now.

If therapy for both of you is not an n the cards, you need to divorce. You seem more concerned with your dating prospects now than improving your marriage, which is OK if that is what you want. The current state is not healthy for either of you .

 

I think it's a negative feedback loop, the way he's been reacting keeps reminding me of why I distanced myself from him in the first place. Last night he realized that he has been pushing me away further. We had a rational discussion. It started to make me feel more remorseful of what I did.

 

The weird thing is, since this all happened, he is now going to the gym everyday and doing activities he hadn't done in years. He used to just lay around the house and refuse to work out unless I did it with him, no matter how many times I tried to encourage him to get up and out. I wonder if being in each other's lives is a bad influence.

[Got it]

So, basically, if you own everything, admit it is all your fault, and suck up whatever he does to you then things will be honky dory?

 

If you aren't open, or able, to give the relationship any more energy then end things. If you think there is even a small glimmer of something still left then come up with your expectations for each party to work on the relationship. But it will take both parties to address their issues.

[misty12]

So, basically, if you own everything, admit it is all your fault, and suck up whatever he does to you then things will be honky dory?

 

If you aren't open, or able, to give the relationship any more energy then end things. If you think there is even a small glimmer of something still left then come up with your expectations for each party to work on the relationship. But it will take both parties to address their issues.

 

You are right. Even last night he was not owning up to his issues, just denying and minimizing them. I am in therapy to address mine and I told him he needs to go to. Not just MC but individual therapy. He has problems with his temper and his ability to handle situations that don't go his way. He thinks therapy is BS because that's what his primary doctor told him

[Got it]

You are right. Even last night he was not owning up to his issues, just denying and minimizing them. I am in therapy to address mine and I told him he needs to go to. Not just MC but individual therapy. He has problems with his temper and his ability to handle situations that don't go his way. He thinks therapy is BS because that's what his primary doctor told him

 

I would make it a requirement. Either he gives it a shot or not. Either way it is his decision and you will act accordingly.

 

I grew up with an angry father who was like this. Life is really too short to walk on pins and needles waiting for them to explode.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. Even last night he was not owning up to his issues, just denying and minimizing them. I am in therapy to address mine and I told him he needs to go to. Not just MC but individual therapy. He has problems with his temper and his ability to handle situations that don't go his way. He thinks therapy is BS because that's what his primary doctor told him

 

I doubt his Dr told him that. More like he lied and made that up. Your H has major anger issues and really, he's an ass.hole. He's not a 'nice' or considerate person, not kind hearted at all.

[Anderlie]

I doubt his Dr told him that

 

Unless his Dr is Tom Cruise

 

Anyway sorry to joke OP, I hope you're going ok. Your husband sounds like a bit of a lost case unless he addresses his issues.

[misty12]

he wants to go to MC to work on the marriage (how to communicate better and treat each other better). However he won't do individual counseling. Can he possibly work on his issues in MC? I've never been to MC so I don't know much about. I'm just wondering why I have to spend my time in MC (along with the time I spend in IC) to help him with HIS issues. Am I wrong?

 

He says he's really committed to changing so we can have a good marriage. Problem is my skin crawls when he comes near me. In order for me to reach the point where is he willing to change because he doesn't want me to leave, I feel like I've already left.

Edited November 26, 2014 by misty12