Transitioning from OM to Relationship...

[FusionCutter]

So not even a text...right? The right thing to do here is to just stay quiet?

 

Ugh. So many things that I want to say and clarify. Not to get her back, but just to be able to say goodbye. I don't want there to be a misconception that I deserted her after sex.

 

She just asked for time...man this is a freaking mess.

 

As long as you are obsessing over her you will never get closure. Closure, like happiness, is cannot dependent on another person.

 

You are depending on her for both happiness (which she can't give you) and closure (which she also can't give you. )

 

You have to learn how to provide those things for yourself.

 

Give her space and work on yourself. You gotta see the situation for what it is. A trainwreck.

Edited November 12, 2014 by FusionCutter

[theexfiance]

As long as you are obsessing over her you will never get closure. Closure, like happiness, is cannot dependent on another person.

 

You are depending on her for both happiness (which she can't give you) and closure (which she also can't give you. )

 

You have to learn how to provide those things for yourself.

 

Give her space and work on yourself. You gotta see the situation for what it is. A trainwreck.

 

Kept NC for a week and a half. She showed up out of nowhere and dragged me back into the whirlwind of her life for a few hours. Then vanished on me again.

 

I'm just left more f-ing confused every single time she does this. Bleh. Why can't I seem to stay away from this chick?

 

She comes back, super desperate and eager to talk to me...and then the second I start giving her attention again, she's cold as ice. WTF??

[jellybean89]

She's playing a game with you...stop letting her.

 

Stop thinking things will change. Stop thinking she cares about anyone but herself. Stop allowing yourself to be dragged into her drama.

 

Write it all down - what you are feeling, etc. Then throw it away. No use sending it to her - she isn't concerned about your feelings ...except for when she needs an ego fix.

 

Yes, it is gonna hurt. Yes, you were foolish to begin this affair. But you can now stop it all by NOT RESPONDING to any of her attempts to reel you back in.

 

What's the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. Lather, rinse and repeat. Put an end to it. FOR YOUR SANITY.

[FusionCutter]

Kept NC for a week and a half. She showed up out of nowhere and dragged me back into the whirlwind of her life for a few hours. Then vanished on me again.

 

I'm just left more f-ing confused every single time she does this. Bleh. Why can't I seem to stay away from this chick?

 

She comes back, super desperate and eager to talk to me...and then the second I start giving her attention again, she's cold as ice. WTF??

 

How did she come back and what happened and why kinds of things did she say? I'll help you get out of this mess.

[GirlStillStrong]

I've been in a lot of relationships and as a result I can safely say that any relationship that is this confusing and difficult is not worth all the work. You can expect more of the same from here on out and probably a lot of dysfunction. At your age, life is about having fun together, not all this crap. You really need to take some time to figure out why you cannot just be alone (4 months since you were engaged to someone else is not very long) and why you have chosen someone so unstable to try to be with. What are you doing with your life and where do you want to be 5 and 10 years from now? Quit choosing whatever comes along that looks good and surround yourself with people who have similar goals and aspirations. If you have none, get some. You're no good to any relationship partner until you do.

[FusionCutter]

Kept NC for a week and a half. She showed up out of nowhere and dragged me back into the whirlwind of her life for a few hours. Then vanished on me again.

 

I'm just left more f-ing confused every single time she does this. Bleh. Why can't I seem to stay away from this chick?

 

She comes back, super desperate and eager to talk to me...and then the second I start giving her attention again, she's cold as ice. WTF??

 

My previous post before:

 

There may be a chance she will try and make contact. If you're weak you will be in the same position all over again. Remember your core values and what you want to be about. This is really gonna hurt so hang in there. Because you at the most important person in your life. Not her. Take care of yourself and good luck with the coping.

 

Told you so .

 

I suggest you re-read all the things in this thread from the beginning to give you that continued perspective. Just go NC and stick there.

[theexfiance]

I went back and re-read everything.

 

I hope that I don't come across the wrong way. I'm educated. At 24, I have a graduate degree, work for a major university, just met the goal of purchasing a new vehicle, I go work out five days a week...etc. I have goals and I work toward them. I concentrate on the things that matter to me.

 

It's not about being alone. I've given up on the notion of being in a relationship with this girl. I just care and I don't know why. I'm certainly not doing this to get laid. That happened and it didn't bring me a single ounce of joy.

 

I know how things go in the world of dating and that there's typically a cookie cutter way to be and a cookie cutter way to respond in these scenarios. Cheaters are what they are, no exceptions.

 

It's foolish, but my faith in another person is what's keeping me around. Maybe I'm just stupid. But I'd like to think that a graduate education in a human focused field would make me a slightly more effective judge of character than that.

 

My feelings about the situation are changing. I know this won't end well for me, but who I am demands that I see this through.

 

Thank you all for your responses and your time.

[FusionCutter]

I went back and re-read everything.

 

I hope that I don't come across the wrong way. I'm educated. At 24, I have a graduate degree, work for a major university, just met the goal of purchasing a new vehicle, I go work out five days a week...etc. I have goals and I work toward them. I concentrate on the things that matter to me.

 

It's not about being alone. I've given up on the notion of being in a relationship with this girl. I just care and I don't know why. I'm certainly not doing this to get laid. That happened and it didn't bring me a single ounce of joy.

 

I know how things go in the world of dating and that there's typically a cookie cutter way to be and a cookie cutter way to respond in these scenarios. Cheaters are what they are, no exceptions.

 

It's foolish, but my faith in another person is what's keeping me around. Maybe I'm just stupid. But I'd like to think that a graduate education in a human focused field would make me a slightly more effective judge of character than that.

 

My feelings about the situation are changing. I know this won't end well for me, but who I am demands that I see this through.

 

Thank you all for your responses and your time.

 

One thing I've learned is that IQ or "booksmarts" has nothing to do with these kinds of emotional situations. I've made some piss poor decisions myself even though I am well educated myself.

 

These situations have everything to do with emotional maturity, which I realized I had none.

 

So what's the current situation for yourself now? Where do you stand and what has happened?

[theexfiance]

A valid point. I wasn't trying to justify my behavior based on my IQ or degree, but rather to point out that I've been very effective in accomplishing my goals. I'm not just sitting around pining, making this the center of my world. I've got plenty going on.

 

I like to think I have solid emotional maturity. I've been trying to talk things out and deal with these issues together, as adults, to decide what should happen. I recognize that her emotional maturity isn't up to par and so I'm doing my best to build up an emotional buffer. It still hurts some days.

 

But, to answer your question, I'm not sure where I stand. These things aren't always about logic. I care about another person and although the things I've said make her sound like a complete piece of garbage, I think she's a human doing the best she can. Is she selfish? Sure. We all are. I was selfish in helping to get things to this point.

 

All I know is I grew to love another person. We don't always have the luxury of being chosen, but sometimes we can consciously choose to be a part of someone else's life while we can. Maybe, I'm just full of it and rationalizing. Fair.

 

But maybe I'm right. I'm not religious, but I believe in doing the best you can and being kind to others as a personal truth. There are no guarantees in life. I'm saying screw it and letting myself feel the way that I do, free of expectation.

[FusionCutter]

You don't have to be religious to be compassionate. Show compassion to her current partner even though you don't know him. I think I know how you feel.

 

In any case. You can show her how much you care by leaving. Not staying. Sure these things aren't about logic all the time, but this is about protecting yourself and your emotional well-being. She isn't going to do that for you. Only you can. This situation has gone on long enough and maybe before you felt happy, but now you do not.

[theexfiance]

You don't have to be religious to be compassionate. Show compassion to her current partner even though you don't know him. I think I know how you feel.

 

In any case. You can show her how much you care by leaving. Not staying. Sure these things aren't about logic all the time, but this is about protecting yourself and your emotional well-being. She isn't going to do that for you. Only you can. This situation has gone on long enough and maybe before you felt happy, but now you do not.

 

My compassion isn't going to do a thing for him. She's got to have the compassion to let him go.

 

Working on it. It's slow going getting to that point, but it's a sad inevitability. She's chipping away at all of the good things I feel for her and there's not much left in the tank. I've let her know this.

 

You're right. I'm unhappy, but getting to the point where letting go for good is possible is going to take some time.

[FusionCutter]

My compassion isn't going to do a thing for him. She's got to have the compassion to let him go.

 

Working on it. It's slow going getting to that point, but it's a sad inevitability. She's chipping away at all of the good things I feel for her and there's not much left in the tank. I've let her know this.

 

You're right. I'm unhappy, but getting to the point where letting go for good is possible is going to take some time.

 

Your compassion towards him shows something about your character and respect for other people's relationships and boundaries.

 

It will get to the point where you will have had enough. And enough is enough. No one can tell you where that is, but objectively it sounds like she is making you learn the hardest way possible that she is not going to leave him, especially with you in the picture. You fill a void. She's not willing to let him go for reasons that you don't fully understand.

 

You just have to decide if you can live with it. As time goes on it will just hurt more. So think about it the situation as rationally as you know how.