Separated six months - want to divorce & move on 1 minthen want to go home the next!

[Mr. Lucky]

If we were to R, or even discuss that, then yes I understand that the "best" thing to do would be to tell him of the affair. I'm not saying I'd be brave enough to do that, nor that I 100% agree with it, but I understand it nonetheless.

 

DTM, I understand that reconciliation is just one of the potential outcomes.

 

But would you agree it would be impossible to truly reconcile without telling him the truth about the affair ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

DTM, I understand that reconciliation is just one of the potential outcomes.

 

But would you agree it would be impossible to truly reconcile without telling him the truth about the affair ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I don't agree it's impossible no but understand that could be lead by the fears I have of the repercussions of doing so.

[Decisiontomake]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]- Woman enters long term relationship with great guy, gets married settlesdown. Buys house has kids - they are happy etc etc blah blah blah. Correct.

- Over time the woman slowly loses attraction and sexual desire for herhusband. They have sex less and the relationship falls into what is oftencalled "brother sister" mode. Ihave never lost attraction sexually to my husband, and although sex became lessfrequent, that’s just what happens with busy lives, long relationships etc.

- Woman becomes bored with her life in middle age and thinks "something ismissing". I think this is way too simplistic – I’m not “bored with my life” atall – I have a great job, great friends, I go out have fun etc and don’t putthe weight for my happiness fully onto my husband. I was/am discontented with the dynamics of myrelationship with my husband.

- Womans attraction to her husband continues to drop. She starts activelyavoiding sex with her husband. No.

- Woman meets new man or men who suddenly rekindle her sexual desire. Shestarts contemplating cheating for the first time. Yes.

- Woman claims she is no longer in love with her husband or happy in therelationship. Blames husband for causing her feelings for another man by citinga number of things he wasn't bringing to the relationship or was doing wrong.Many times these are never directly raised with the husband - even though shebelieves they were. I call this the "it was his fault I cheatedstage". I directly cited the “issues” I had in the marriage, many times, overmany years.

- Woman then starts cheating. Has intense sexual affair. Often many also claimto be in love with their affair partners saying their new lovers invokefeelings in them they have never felt before. Some even call them their soulmates and contemplate leaving their husband to be with them. They feel terribleduring this time because they know what they are doing is wrong but simplycan't stop cheating. Usually the Woman continues to justify her cheatingactions by blaming problems in her relationship caused by her husband. My AP was not my soul mate – and I neverprofessed that to him, or thought it myself. I had strong emotions for him, yes, and did at one point wonder if Iwere in love with him, but am logical enough to know that I wasn’t. Yes I hadimagined being in a traditional relationship with my AP which would have meantleaving my marriage. Again, this issimplistic – which comes first? The chickenor the egg??

 

Then the next part is where you are now. Called the "limbo" stage.There are normally 2 options for how this works. The first is the woman isforced to choose between staying with her Husband or leaving him for her newaffair partner. The second is if the affair falls apart. But after the affairends the woman often feels like she has discovered something during the affairshe wants to pursue. She wants to get the intense feelings from the affair backand is left to decide if she wants to stay with her husband or leave and lookfor a new partner. It’s not the intense feelings I’m looking for – it’s the feeling ofbeing at peace and contented with the partner I have – feeling as though wefulfill each others’ needs and are not merely together because of history andthe fact that is easier in many respects.

 

The normal process is the Woman ends relationship and asks for a"separation" to figure out how she feels. She thinks this will bringclarity to the situation and help her decide what to do. The husband at thispoint turns into a crying, blithering mess and begs for her to come home. Hetry's his hardest to reconcile the relationship. Often crys a lot and has noidea his wife has cheated on him. Correct.

 

The Woman can't decide what to do - she is stuck in limbo - and oscillatesconstantly between leaving her husband or coming home. Often during this periodshe is still actively looking to find other sexual partners to be with or ifshe stayed with her affair partner continuing to cheat. Yes,shamefully, you are right on this as I did enter into flirtations with othermen. Cliches are such for a reason.

 

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[chew123]

DTM,

 

It is time, tell your husband. There is absolutely no reason to keep this from him any longer that is not self serving.

 

As I have already said if I had not known about the affair I might have hung on for years like your husband is doing.

 

Reconciling without the truth would be very difficult if not impossible, and walking away without telling him the truth would be unfair.

 

If you ever loved him or still have feelings for him, tell him. The pain of betrayal will be hard on him, but he deserves the facts.

[Decisiontomake]

DTM,

 

It is time, tell your husband. There is absolutely no reason to keep this from him any longer that is not self serving.

 

As I have already said if I had not known about the affair I might have hung on for years like your husband is doing.

 

Reconciling without the truth would be very difficult if not impossible, and walking away without telling him the truth would be unfair.

 

If you ever loved him or still have feelings for him, tell him. The pain of betrayal will be hard on him, but he deserves the facts.

 

I don't think it is just self serving, I really don't. I understand there is an element of that BUT I've been on the other side remember - as a BS - and I would rather have not known. Believe me I'm tempted to tell - of course I am as I get that side of the argument too - but once those words are spoken they can never get taken back regardless of the way forward.

[chew123]

I forgot your husband also had an affair. That is an element I don't have experience with. So it does change the dynamic a bit.

[Decisiontomake]

I forgot your husband also had an affair. That is an element I don't have experience with. So it does change the dynamic a bit.

 

 

He did - yes - but it was many years ago and much shorter than mine. It lasted about 8 weeks and I didn't find out from him, I found out from seeing a letter the OW had sent to him some 12 months after the affair had ended. He then drip fed information to me over the coming weeks until I contacted the OW and got the truth. What then followed was weeks of MC - painful - but we seemed to be stronger after it.

 

 

I know he wouldn't have strayed again - well I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have done - and I didn't need to know the truth. As I said, I would rather not have done. It imploded our world and is a deep rooted scar that has probably contributed to the relationship dynamics as we've moved forward.

 

 

The thing is - I can't say that I wouldn't do it again - an affair that is. Dreadful of me to say, I know, but I'm using this forum to be 100% honest in the hope of gaining the best advice I can. There is a sexual longing in me right now for new partners - perhaps it is hormonal (am 41) - but also my husband suffers from ED which affects my satisfaction (as well as his I'm sure). I also feel freer sexually with new partners - like there's no pre conceived ideas of what I can say or do, like there perhaps is with my husband.

 

 

I'm rambling now - brain dumping I guess. I really am trying to work through this - IC continues weekly - and I'm posting on here, and talking to friends about it, trying to find my way out of the woods. I don't want to make a decision - or expose my affair - when so many things are up in the air.

[Justanaverageguy]

Hey Decisiontomake - you are right my summary was very simplistic. But it was meant to be. A complete explanation of the dynamics of what goes on in relationships and with women at this age would be hundreds of pages long going into lots of things in depth including hormonal changes women experience and psychological difference between men and women. Things I couldn't possibly fit into a response. I tried to dot point the basics to show a pattern that emerges with most women who cheat at this age. It seems to match pretty closely with you - you disputed some areas but to be honest they are the exact areas I expected you to. They are the areas all women dispute. Don't you find it interesting that someone else said she could have written your post ? Doesn't it jump off the page that this is a pattern for middle age women at least a little ?

 

One of the key points with this pattern is that middle age women who cheat ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS blame their husband - and they ALWAYS say they raised issues with them continually. So is it always a Man's fault that a woman cheats in middle age ?? Do you really thinks that's fair ?

 

One of the things women often actually struggle to answer is why there husband wasn't meeting their needs. They often give pretty airy fairy answers. Its more just like a general feeling that "it doesn't feel right" , "I'm not happy", "we don't seem compatible on an emotional level" that kind of crap. These are basically women code for - I didn't feel attracted to my husband any more. They don't actually say "WHY"

 

Can you tell me what exactly the issues were you repeatedly raised in the relationship ? The needs he was not meeting ?

[Decisiontomake]

One of the key points with this pattern is that middle age women who cheat ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS blame their husband - and they ALWAYS say they raised issues with them continually. So is it always a Man's fault that a woman cheats in middle age ?? Do you really thinks that's fair ? If you care to, please search my previous posts - I've been posting back since 2008 - it's a clear thread through those that I have been EXACT in what the issues were/are. I'm not blaming my husband. I've said that again and again - I'm blaming the dynamics of our relationship, which I understand I played my part in creating. And to point a question back to you - do you think it's fair that a husband sits back and let's his wife do everything when she has continually asked for him to be more of a partner??? Marriage is a two way street and I'm actually trying to fight for the right thing for me and my husband right now - whether that be together or apart - I can 100% guarantee he won't be doing anything other than being quiet and sad - he won't be searching his soul in the way I am - desperate to find the right answer. He will be desperate yes - to get the status quo back - but he won't be "working" in the way I am trying to.

 

One of the things women often actually struggle to answer is why there husband wasn't meeting their needs. They often give pretty airy fairy answers. Its more just like a general feeling that "it doesn't feel right" , "I'm not happy", "we don't seem compatible on an emotional level" that kind of crap. These are basically women code for - I didn't feel attracted to my husband any more. They don't actually say "WHY" And as for why he wasn't meeting my needs - I've addressed that too I feel, but I would say a few reasons would be; he was used to me doing everything, I accepted that role and therefore fed that dynamic, he didn't think I was serious when I said how badly his apathy (for want of a better word) was affecting me, he thought things would blow over. I'm not sure if that's answering your question or not actually! QUOTE]

 

 

I took the time to read your story too earlier and am sorry you are in the situation you are in.

[aMguilts]

op

i'm on the other side of the fence compaired to most others

 

I dont think you should tell him

youre not even sure what you want atmit

work out what it is you want for the future then take it from there

 

if you do want to reconcile then fine thens the time

to be honest.

now is not the time thou

hugs in whatever you decide thou

 

aM

[Justanaverageguy]

The thing is - I can't say that I wouldn't do it again - an affair that is. Dreadful of me to say, I know, but I'm using this forum to be 100% honest in the hope of gaining the best advice I can. There is a sexual longing in me right now for new partners - perhaps it is hormonal (am 41) - but also my husband suffers from ED which affects my satisfaction (as well as his I'm sure). I also feel freer sexually with new partners - like there's no pre conceived ideas of what I can say or do, like there perhaps is with my husband.

 

 

Ok now we get some REAL info. This is basically the info I was fishing for. I'm not going to crucify you because this is actually quite normal for women to start feeling this at your age. Not necessarily to cheat - but the wandering eye and the sudden attraction to other men. That's normal and standard.

 

The "why" you feel this is the issue. See you have previous stated that it was your husbands fault that you wanted to leave the relationship. That it was needs he was not meeting ? But is it really the cause of the issue ..... or is it that you are now attracted to other men and you are just using that as a way to justify and explain the feelings you have for other men ? If he was a good husband you wouldn't be attracted to other men. If you needs were being met you wouldn't be having these sexual desires for others. That is the logic women use. But it is not correct.

 

These feelings are normal for women at your age and they are driven by hormones. Higher levels of testosterone produced by women in their 30's and peaking in their 40's which significantly increase their sex drive and causes them quite frequently to want sexual partners outside their LTR. Ever wondered where the whole cougar phenomenon came from ? Why they seem to act the same as 18-21 year old boys prowling bars trying to get casual sex ? Men hit there sexual (testosterone) peak around 18-21. Women in there's in their early 40s.

 

Seriously go and read this book -> Womens Infidelity Living in limbo. I swear it will explain a lot and you will probably think sections have been written by someone sitting in your lounge room taking notes on your relationship.

[Justanaverageguy]

If you care to, please search my previous posts - I've been posting back since 2008 - it's a clear thread through those that I have been EXACT in what the issues were/are. I'm not blaming my husband. I've said that again and again - I'm blaming the dynamics of our relationship, which I understand I played my part in creating. And to point a question back to you - do you think it's fair that a husband sits back and let's his wife do everything when she has continually asked for him to be more of a partner??? Marriage is a two way street and I'm actually trying to fight for the right thing for me and my husband right now - whether that be together or apart - I can 100% guarantee he won't be doing anything other than being quiet and sad - he won't be searching his soul in the way I am - desperate to find the right answer. He will be desperate yes - to get the status quo back - but he won't be "working" in the way I am trying to.

 

 

Ok thats a fair call. I haven't read your other posts and quite often relationships do have real issues like these over the top of other things they mentioned. I still seriously recommend you read that book I mentioned. Even this specific bit you wrote back to me here is well covered in that book. About how in relationships men and women take on certain roles early on. How often these are very one sided with the women being the "owner of the house" and being lumped with all the work and responsibility because its what she did at the start of the relationship and it just becomes the norm. It covers this topic in quite a lot of detail and is probably something that could also help your husband understand. It's not all about blaming hormones or the woman - but like wise its not all about only blaming the man for not meeting needs. These types of issues are mainly about communication and being able to redefine the roles people play in a relationship that has been following a specific pattern for so long.

[Decisiontomake]

I'm so grateful to all of you for your thoughts, perspectives and thought provoking words at what is undoubtedly the most confusing point of my adult life.

[Mr. Lucky]

The thing is - I can't say that I wouldn't do it again - an affair that is. Dreadful of me to say, I know, but I'm using this forum to be 100% honest in the hope of gaining the best advice I can. There is a sexual longing in me right now for new partners - perhaps it is hormonal (am 41) - but also my husband suffers from ED which affects my satisfaction (as well as his I'm sure). I also feel freer sexually with new partners - like there's no pre conceived ideas of what I can say or do, like there perhaps is with my husband.

 

No one is - or should - judging you for feeling this way. Happens to married men all the time, though we usually slap a "mid-life crisis" label on it and sublimate the feelings by purchasing a Corvette. Would a new sports car solve your problems :cool: ???

 

Look, there's no way your life is going to be the same from this time forward. I'd tell your H exactly what you've posted above. Either he'll be part of the new normal or he won't. Regardless, you'll have broken free of the frozen and indecisive state that led you to start this thread...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GirlStillStrong]

I've never been married but have been betrayed in past relationships and can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is much easier on me when I am told the truth about the betrayal EARLIER rather than later. What has been the most hurtful to me is coming to the realization that I was living with someone who could lie to me for so long. Make a mistake and take a few days to confess? OK, that's not so bad. But lie and deceive and actively take measures to hide the truth for weeks or months or years? That is just crazy-making. I would rather know the painful truth than be fooled for so long. I also want to be given the courtesy of the truth so that I can make the best decisions for myself, my health, and my life as possible. Don't you think your spouse deserves the same?

 

I'm a few years older than you so I understand what you are going through hormonally, and I also understand going through that with a partner with ED. Talk about frustrating. If you two have not addressed your issues, especially related to this, by now, you are not going to. It is best to move on with life. If you are going to try to "make it work," you have to tell him. And for long term success, like I said, sooner is better than later. But if you don't believe everyone's needs can be met in this marriage, keep your secret but move the %#*^ on. You already know your answer.

[jbrent890]

I've never been married but have been betrayed in past relationships and can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is much easier on me when I am told the truth about the betrayal EARLIER rather than later. What has been the most hurtful to me is coming to the realization that I was living with someone who could lie to me for so long. Make a mistake and take a few days to confess? OK, that's not so bad. But lie and deceive and actively take measures to hide the truth for weeks or months or years? That is just crazy-making. I would rather know the painful truth than be fooled for so long. I also want to be given the courtesy of the truth so that I can make the best decisions for myself, my health, and my life as possible. Don't you think your spouse deserves the same?

 

I'm a few years older than you so I understand what you are going through hormonally, and I also understand going through that with a partner with ED. Talk about frustrating. If you two have not addressed your issues, especially related to this, by now, you are not going to. It is best to move on with life. If you are going to try to "make it work," you have to tell him. And for long term success, like I said, sooner is better than later. But if you don't believe everyone's needs can be met in this marriage, keep your secret but move the %#*^ on. You already know your answer.

 

I agree with this completely. I just found out that my wife cheated on me two years ago and it's killing me right now. I really do wish she would have told me directly after it happened as opposed to me finding out about it years later. I literally feel like the last two years of my life have been stolen from me. Instead of allowing me to make a decision about my own life, she chose to treat me like a child a decide for me. Cheating is one thing. Cheating and deceiving your partner years is plain sick to me. Please don't make my wife's mistake. In this life we make make very bad decisions. What separates human beings from one another is if that person faces the consequences for those decisions. I know what you are going through is tough. But I have faith that you will make the right decision.

[Decisiontomake]

 

Some days I totally believe this. Thank you again to everyone who has given such thoughtful responses.

[Decisiontomake]

Have managed not to see my H for a whole week - which is probably the longest period of time we've gone during our 6 months of separation. I am truly trying not to turn to him right now when I feel so vulnerable and in need of comfort with the final demise of my long term A.

 

 

I am caught in analysis paralysis. I truly don't know what else I feel I need to analyse to make the decision of divorcing or going home. Both options are totally scary and in my IC this week, it was suggested that I'm terrified of making a "mistake" and it's causing me to standstill in the eye of the storm. So she's asked that I really look at what those mistakes might look like - whether I go home and it's a mistake, or whether I divorce and it's a mistake - what would it look like, what would it feel like, what would I do in that circumstance etc. She wants me to really dig into that so that I can use that to see a path forward.

 

 

In all this I know my sweet, patient H, continues to wait for me - wanting me to go home. But I also know that his emotional capacity has never been an issue in our marriage but his lack of actions or partnership have been and I haven't seen any change in either of those elements over the last six months. He's doing what he's always done - waiting for me to make the plan, direction, action. That's when logic tells me nothing will be different if I were to return home.

 

 

I am rather sick of myself being stuck in this place.

[Mr. Lucky]

In all this I know my sweet, patient H, continues to wait for me - wanting me to go home. But I also know that his emotional capacity has never been an issue in our marriage but his lack of actions or partnership have been and I haven't seen any change in either of those elements over the last six months. He's doing what he's always done - waiting for me to make the plan, direction, action. That's when logic tells me nothing will be different if I were to return home.

 

Isn't there some cruel irony and contradiction in keeping him in the dark regarding the most important aspects of your marriage and then questioning his ability to make a decision in that vacuum ???

 

I'd guess that on some level he knows something unseen is very wrong with you and your marriage. As you've described, you're mourning "the final demise of my long term A".

 

Intentionally or not, you've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell him the truth, I'd guess he wouldn't lack "plan, direction or action"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

 

Intentionally or not, you've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell him the truth, I'd guess he wouldn't lack "plan, direction or action"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I understand this. Not sure if I'm brave enough to act on it, but I thank you for pointing it out.

[Majormisstep]

Decision, sorry about the PMing.

 

Perhaps consider these two scenarios:

 

1) If you return to the M, whether it be for short term comfort to ease the sting of the A ending or what you "think" you should do, patient H and all, if neither of you have addressed the issues that caused your marital train to derail, the comfort will not last long and you will be back in the same situation you were in pre-A's. Then you get to ride this crazy train all over again.

 

2) If you move forward with the D, are you prepared to go through the bleak and dismal dating process (ughh) only to discover there really isn't anyone out there that is better than your xH?

 

Bottom line is, fix YOU first. With a clear head and heart you can make the right decision. Deep down, you already know what you want

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you Major. That's helpful food for thought!

 

H came over for dinner last night. We sat and spoke for some time being honest about our fears of either direction. My therapist also says I need to ground myself again in terms of looking within for the answer not externally - between my H and exAP.

[road]

Thank you Major. That's helpful food for thought!

 

H came over for dinner last night. We sat and spoke for some time being honest about our fears of either direction. My therapist also says I need to ground myself again in terms of looking within for the answer not externally - between my H and exAP.

 

 

 

Even if the affair is over are you NC with the OM?

 

 

Your BH deserves and needs the truth. Tell BH you cheated.

[Decisiontomake]

Even if the affair is over are you NC with the OM?

 

 

Your BH deserves and needs the truth. Tell BH you cheated.

 

I am in limited contact right now. It's in it's death throws. I've given it up tangible but not emotionally or mentally yet. Am working hard on that.

 

And as for telling my husband, I am not going to do that unless we were attempt to reconcile.

[Mr. Lucky]

And as for telling my husband, I am not going to do that unless we were attempt to reconcile.

 

I don't understand how that would work ???

 

Isn't "he" part of "we"? How could "we" make a decision as to whether or not to attempt reconciliation unless "he" knows? You're in a Mobius loop, it all leads to the same issue - you can't move forward without his awareness of what's taken place.

 

None of this applies if you're going home paralyzed with the same guilt and indecision affecting you now...

 

Mr. Lucky