He wanted a second chance... Now isnt sure???

[let-it-go]

Ok, so my ex and I were together for 3 ½ year… Looking into buying a house together etc etc

 

Then basically he got his head turned by someone he works with… Cue freak out… He said to me he felt like he shouldn’t have even thought about it and because he did we had to break up. Fine.

 

Now 5 months later and being with this girl for 4 months he has come back to me. Saying he should have talked it through with me, she wasn’t me, he made a mistake… he loves me and wants to be with me. I was really surprised and said fine, people make mistakes, we’ll see how things go.

 

The two weeks went really well, we were communicating more, he was being really affectionate.

 

However, this last week he has had another freak out. He says he is now scared it isn’t going to work, but that he wants to try. He says it’s too much pressure (from my family who don’t like him and from his mum who loves me). He has been crying and not sleeping either. Now he says even though he wants to try, is love enough. Are we making a mistake… What if it all goes wrong? But we wont know unless we try!!

 

He can’t help thinking and wanting to text this other girl and that’s making him guilty. I do believe he wants me more, and he was so convinced he didn’t want her… but now, its almost like he doesn’t remember all the stress she caused him and wants what he cant have. Do I let him text her to try and sort his head out? Did he underestimate his feelings for her?

 

He said his heads a mess and he is now not 100% sure. Should he be with me or on his own. He is scared of hurting me again. Too late for that now.

 

Im so angry, he told me he was sure this was what he wanted… now he doesn’t know???

 

He says it’s not as easy as he thought it would be and that something feels missing… I said, well, we have a lot to work through it will take time. Its not going to be easy.

 

But part of him wants to try… Why cant he just relax and go with the flow? I know I probably got carried away the first two weeks once I let my guard drop and that probably freaked him out too. Part of him just thinks it would be easier to let it go.

Is this a total lost cause? Can he work through his issues enough to give it 100%? Im not really sure, and I cant decide if I should wait around and find out. But I do love him and want this to work.

Edited November 10, 2014 by let-it-go

[mercuryshadow]

My goodness. I'm so sorry you let this man reel you back in. Years ago, I found myself in your position. My long time bf went to study abroad in Asia for 3 months. A local girl there caught his eye. For other reasons during his time away, we broke up, but he quickly got involved with her. A couple of weeks into their fling, he had thoughts of me, began contacting me and professing his love. At first, I was angry, but my love for him, coupled with our history, made me fall for his vapid version of events and believe that he'd ended things with her. He asked me to wait for him (I.e. not see anyone else). I waited. It wasn't until the end of his study abroad that his gf there contacted me and told me they'd never stopped seeing each other. I was heart broken. After his return, again, he was able to regain some fraction of my trust and we picked up again. Biggest mistake of my life. I wish I'd been stronger and kept my eyes open to the reality he was SHOWING me. He was playing both of us. That kind of evidence should have been enough.

After we rekindled, I never fully trusted him again. I believed that if he'd had time to renew his visa and stay in asia with the other girl, but circumstances did not allow.

Ultimately, he lost both of us. Our relationship was never healthy again. I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to be a "happily ever after".

 

Ask yourself this: if you pick back up with this man, are you going to feel secure? Are you going to feel uncompromisingly loved? Are you going to be able to let your guard down and truly trust him?

 

I can't answer these questions for you, but I shared my story with you in order to depict the kind of deluded and twisted relationship that circumstance would allow after everything that had transpired. I spent the remainder of the relationship in a constant state of anxiety and distrust.

 

Whatever you do, please think long and hard about this. And over what your heart feels, trust what your gut is telling you.

[idoltree]

Unfortunately, I think you made a mistake in letting him back too easily. It's clear that this guy has commitment issues that means he only values what he doesn't have. Given his behavior of leaving you for someone else, then leaving her for you, you needed to make him work for it, which would have increased your value in his eyes.

 

Before you agreed to take him back, you needed to let time pass and see consistency from him. Why was he back? Was it you or was it fear of not having you? You needed a deep and thorough explanation and he needed to stay consistent about it or it's a no go.

 

But you let him back without too much work and now he's subconsciously wondering why you'd let him treat you like that and your actions are that of someone who'd put up with a lot of garbage just to have him in your life. His ego inflated, and back to waffling, because he suspects (again) that he can do better.

 

I really think your best bet is standing up for yourself with this professional wafflemaker and say "You know what? I'm tired of your behavior and emotional instability. You're not such a prize that I'm going to allow someone who behaves like you in my life. You're 'not sure'? Well, let me take care of that decision for you: you're not enough for me. Goodbye."

 

If you don't end it, he's going to leave again. Your only shot is to stand up for yourself, increasing your value in his eyes, and staying away from him for a couple of months. If he wants you back, you hold the cards. Hold onto them for awhile and make him squirm. That's what he wants you to do, even if he doesn't realize it.

 

Or, you can leave him in the dust and accept that you deserve better than someone who runs away from commitment.

[writergal]

I agree with the others, OP. Your guy fits all the criteria for a commitment-phobe. And there is no way you can "fix him" on your own. He needs some serious therapy to address the emotional issues in his life that created his commitment-phobia. Until he sees a professional therapist, he'll continue to push-pull with you or any other woman he gets romantically involve with.

 

You see, the push-pull is a coping mechanism to help your guy cope with some emotional trauma from his past, whether that's with his family or from a previous relationship with someone.

 

Commitment-phobes will shut down emotionally when they sense the other person getting to close, as a way to feel in control of the relationship and to keep themselves emotionally "safe" from whatever past pain they haven't confronted and dealt with yet.

 

OP, if you want to be happy I think you need to stay away from your ex-boyfriend for good. He will only hurt you again and again, if you give him a second chance. Keep him at arm's length and move on from him.

[let-it-go]

So what should I do now? Just give it up? It there any point in waiting another week and seeing if he can make his mind up? Though obviously I don't like that it is taking this long to figure it out. Shouldn't it be more simple? I thought I was doing the right thing by taking a step back and giving him space. Is there anything I can do to 'fix' this? Is he really that damaged?

[Zahara]

So what should I do now? Just give it up? It there any point in waiting another week and seeing if he can make his mind up? Though obviously I don't like that it is taking this long to figure it out. Shouldn't it be more simple? I thought I was doing the right thing by taking a step back and giving him space. Is there anything I can do to 'fix' this? Is he really that damaged?

 

His issues won't go way over the week. Unfortunately, they're ingrained. If he's emotionally dysfunctional, the only way he can get through this is to seek long-term help. You can't help him. The last thing he should be doing is being in a relationship, because a relationship is his trigger. In that sense, it would be the best thing for you to step away and move on.

 

And let's just say he's just a complete douchebag because he wants the best of both worlds -- why are you standing on the sideline waiting for him to pick you? Have enough respect for yourself to not be an option for him.

[No Limit]

Move on. A commitment phobe like him will never be in a serious relationship, nor faithful. Waste of time.