Ex wants me back, but not sure

[memoboy]

After months (now 4 months after breakup) I gave up on my ex. She says she loves me but hasn’t completely let go with her rebound. Who she says just cares about and is attracted but doesn’t love and doesn’t see a future with him. The rebound is also very young. Even she says that. He is 21 or 22. She is 24. Im already 32. But people say I look like 25-27. People say I’m very good looking, have great body, am successful, artistic, fun and funny. The breakup shattered me but I have the most part put myself back together and I know I’m attractive for a lot of girls.

 

Anyway, so when I finally let go of my ex, then surprise…. she starts to contact me. Calls me (which she never did after breakup), messages, Facebook, likes my social media pics, shows up at my events. For a bit I thought it’s because she knew I had something going on with some other girls, but it could also be that this was now the first time I didn’t contact her for a while (after Julys no contact straight after breakup). Now in last two weeks she has invited me to a theatre, we have watched movies now at my place. We have shared a bed two times. Both at my place and at hers (that used to be ours). Just some cuddling and a little kisses, no sex. She still seems to have her guards up and doubts in mind. But she even invited me to her familys dinner. Where I went and it was great time for all of us. We really have had some fun times together now again.

 

But things are still weird. She has never apologized to me, she has not ever brought up getting back together. I think she is still casually seeing her rebound. I’m not completely sure, as I don’t wanna ask about it any more. Just yesterday we had a romantic dinner, walked her dog, movies and cuddled at night. She dropped me off to my home this morning. We texted after it and she sayd that it was lovely and she really enjoyed it. But today by total accident, when I drove by her house (my workplace is close there), I saw her walking to her home with her rebound guy at 11pm with her dog. And he for sure doesn’t live close there. They saw my car. And she now texted me that “oh my how bad situation, and it’s not what it seems like”.

 

I don’t know what to think. I believed her and trusted her blindly. That’s why I also wasn’t at all jelous during our relationship. I just trusted our love so deeply. And even after the breakup I continued to believe her. But after a while things didn’t seem to align so well any more and people around me really said to me not to trust her any more. This other guy who used to be my friend too has been around the whole time during our relationship and it turned up he has always desired her. She said she never fancied her more than a friend, but it’s harder and harder to believe. They spent a lot of time rogether at parties and people say they saw the chemistry. I might have been busy and not showing enough public attention to her during our lasts months but still. They finally hit off in August publicly and have been sort of been casually together. I know she is not very happy in that relationship and she is mostly alone.

 

She now says she realises, she should end things with him. But as far as I know she hasn’t done it yet, since she cares about him too, she says now. But there’s no deep connection. I guess she still enjoys the attention too and he s a very public figure, a musician. A very visible and “cool” member of her social circuit etc. I guess she might feel weird to publicly come back to me, when she has so hard to try to justify to herself for leaving me and ending our relationship. After the breakup I also really broke down, became emotional and begged her not to do it. I’m not like that any more, but I guess the image is still in her mind. It seems her heart pulls to me, but she is torn and maybe too immature to commit again and to make a decision really.

 

I’m not sure what to do. Shoud I just not contact her at all for a few weeks up until a month or so. Not agree to meet up any more, until she really beggs me and has made up her mind? And is sure in herself. It doesn’t seem she is.

She sort of wants me and be with me. She says its so great every time. But she don’t seem to fully be in it.

 

Or should I reply anything to this message, like OK or something?

I don’t wanna seem rude again. Just keep limited contact now.

I mean she told me “it wasn’t what it seemed” but I don’t know what was it then.

 

Lately, every time I have said or done something she even remotely don’t like, she rejects me and pushed me away. So, I definitely don’t wanna make a fuss about it. Every time I have been a bit upfront, concrete and wanted answers, she just pulls up all hear guards and runs away. I guess she is still very immature. She didn't feel like it in the relationship. But now it seems like.

 

I do want her and love her still deeply. But I don’t wanna be dragged along. I feel I’m too old for this and don’t wanna waste my time.

It’s been already more than 4 months. And I did almost get over her already. I don’t wanna be heartbroken again.

 

She seems to want to uphold contact. Borrows stuff from me, asks advice, keeps contact. But cannot make up her mind about being together. Seems she wants to be free and single. But cannot let me go either I don’t know.

I do really want her, but this limbo is hard for me. I cannot let go of her, when it feels like we still have a chance. We have again shared some very intimate and connected moments together.

 

But she just seems to be still so confused. I don’t know what to do.

[Zahara]

Your story has been told here time and time again. The guy that hangs around and desperately waits for a woman to chose him, all the while being an emotional tampon while the woman bounces back and forth with the other guy. Being there for advice, a shoulder, fun times, help, etc. just not enough to want to be with you in a relationship.

 

Don't be that guy. As a woman, I will tell you that the most unattractive thing a guy can do is what you're doing.

 

If she's ever going to feel the loss of you, disappear. And if you had a chance, there would have never been an ending, there would have never been another guy and you'd have never ended up being an emotional tampon.

[idoltree]

If she's ever going to feel the loss of you, disappear. And if you had a chance, there would have never been an ending, there would have never been another guy and you'd have never ended up being an emotional tampon.

 

Another woman weighing in - I agree, totally.

 

You are showing her what you'll put up with, which is less than what you want, and she's slowly losing respect for you.

 

I sympathize with guys. They seem to have trouble converting from the dating "I must win her over" mindset to the post-breakup setting oneself up for success. If she left you and you didn't want the relationship to end, you cannot woo her, you cannot be the one to pursue her. She holds the cards now, so this submissive "let me win you over and prove myself" thing is not working in your favor. The power dynamic means that things have to be different now.

 

So you've been giving her love and attention and she's been eating it up, but she has no reason to change a single thing. She's noncommittal for a reason - that's what she wants. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

You can still salvage this. What you've done is not ideal, but the upside is that your recent choices left a good impression and she can remember that she felt good with you around, so all is not lost. What is important is what you do from here, and that is that you have to be a strong man who knows his worth. And you are worth more than being her emotional plaything when her other guy is busy.

 

Just stop responding to her. You saw her with the other guy, she knows it, so fall off the face of the earth. You don't owe her anything. Let her feel uncertain and let her worry that she has lost you. Let her pursue you, with you evading her contact. I'm sure you'll be anxious, but let it go. The uncertainty factor will unsettle her and she won't let it drop for good.

 

When you end up in a conversation with her (phone or face to face), unemotionally say "You know, ex, I'm not into hanging out with you when you're hanging out with another guy. That's a waste of my time. If things change with you and your rebound guy, call me. Otherwise, don't." (Yes, say "rebound guy" and say "otherwise, don't". Be cocky. She may sputter and object, but deep down it is what she wants from you.)

 

She is not telling you this, but she wants you to be strong, know your value and tell her "no." That's what she needs to respect you and take you seriously, and she won't want to be back with you unless she respects you and takes you seriously.

Edited November 11, 2014 by idoltree

[Georgia2014]

You need to stop all contact. She is still seeing her rebound guy that should say it to you there how it is with her. She is playing you listen to the people who care about you that says don't trust her. Your loved ones all ready told you not to trust her. Block her number and block her on social media sites. My motto is this exes are exes for a reason. If you were meant to be together you wouldn't be exes you would still be a couple.

[KnightWithoutArmour]

I'm a male, and I've been where you are: The love triangle.

 

After 2,5 years, my ex had an affair, which later turned into a love triangle. She did the same things, like yours. Whenever she felt I was moving on, she came on strong, yet she was "confused". This lasted several months, while I was in the darkness of the other guy, who she had previously had the affair with.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but she's using you as a fall-grid, tampon, and support, while at the same time detaching herself from you.

 

Back then, I thrusted my ex as well, and kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. Especially the breadcrumbs which you get now and then.

 

You've slept together a few times, but the intimacy is nonexistent (the 2 nights you speka off). What I didn't knew then, was she sleeping with the other guy, while all I got was a few hugs, kisses and cuddling etc.

 

She would invite me to family events as well.

She would play the "confused card" as an excuse

She would say they shared no deep connection, and I was the man for her, but not right NOW.

She would show up at my events, drive by my appartment etc.

 

My point is - whatever she says right now, probaly serves HER needs, to keep YOU hanging. That is why, you keep telling yourself whatever excuses she tells you. You're making her WORDS your REALITY! For an example that she realieses, she should have ended it by now with him, but yet as far as you KNOW she hasn't. Your REALITY is an illusion built upon her WORDS, not her actions.

 

I took me a long long time to accept the truth. That I was played, used and abused, just to be discarded again and again! I trusted her as well, as you do, but the trust became MY enemy. The man I once were with her, was no longer in the end. It has taken therapy to deal with the grief, betrayel and confusion - a hurt I wish not even upon any enemy of mine. The hurt you will feel, when you realize the truth behind the actions you've seen, will break you, because she ain't telling the truth.

 

Some of us men are extremly good-hearted. Too good of us self, and we've taught ourselves to fight for love, accept peoples mistakes, and give the benefit of the doubt, especially to the people we love and care off.

 

You wrote she hasn't apologized for anything(red flag) - is this because she can see no wrongdoings on her part? Does it feel to you, that she's actually enjoying and stroking her ego, by being chased by two men?

 

Like the other lady above wrote - she will lose respect for you, but even worse: You will lose your selfrespect!!

 

Make a choice for yourself. What do YOU want? If you continue on this path, you will break, and without doubt, lose her anyway(if you really want her).

 

"No no, it ain't what it seems like..." - Yes it IS!

 

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME!

 

To be fair - not every story is the same. My ex was a serial cheater, with histrionic/borderline features. But guess who walked away singing, like nothing ever happened, jumping right into a new relationship? Guess who fell to his knees, heartbroken, lose, confused and in despair?

 

I know my heart works against me, if a realtionship evoles to this stage. I was always a big fan of Bon Jovi, especially the song Always, but today I see, that it layed the foundation to become a sucker for love(and a codependent)!

 

"This romeo is bleeding

But you can't see his blood

It's nothing but some feelings

That this old dog kicked up

 

It's been raining since you left me

Now I'm drowning in the flood

You see I've always been a fighter

But without you I give up "

 

It's time to put your foot down, and say enough is enough. Listen to your gut feeling! It's not worth it!

 

And should she one day come back, better make sure she's crawling! Confussion in heart is not acceptabel! Not after this...

 

Take care of yourself, and change your belief system! You're by now brainwashed into excusing every behaviour of hers (by her)! Could you EVER do, as she's done to you? I think not. You're a man of heart and compassion!

 

Best wishes! And don't do that NC thing. Call her, and say you're done! That's it! Focus back on yourself, and let them have their "fun" - I'm guessing you aint enjoying yourself lately!

[johnson_j]

Knight wrote very clearly exactly what I went through as well.

 

This is a SECOND CHANCE for YOU to send her packing like you should have the first time.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

*facepalm*

[me85]

I was in the exact same situation as you and you know what?? In the end, my ex chose the other girl. It's like the time we shared and had together meant absolutely nothing to him anymore. OH WELL.

 

I highly suggest you go complete NC. Who cares if she thinks you're being rude? If she doesn't understand and gets mad at you...oh well. Just goes to show she is very immature. If you ask me, someone 7/8 years younger isn't really the way to go. I think you should date someone your own age for a change. People don't know what they really want in their early 20's or even during all of their 20's.

 

If you feel you must respond, then simply say, "I refuse be in limbo and wait for you to figure out what you want. I just can't be that guy anymore. Best of luck to you."

Edited November 11, 2014 by me85

[memoboy]

yeah, my sober mind says I should just stop contact. It seems toxic and unfair to me. And I appreciate all your feedback.

But my heart loves her deeply. She told me things about the possible future. About going on a trip together etc.

 

I know she is not a bad person but her confusion is hurting me.

 

I think the mistake I made now, is letting her back in too easily. She don't seem to value me any more because of this.

Might think she could do better. But I'm actually such a catch. People do tell me this and I do know that actually. But I just love her.

Well, she is not so prize herself when she acts like this now more and more. I starting to doubt her real feelings and honesty.

 

I'll try to go to no contact for a REAL month. It's just hard as we live in a small town and accidentally run into each other.

I need to either move on or work on my own life at least for a while.

And yeah, if she really does want me, she has to work now and put in some effort. I do love her, but cannot be treated like this.

She will loose me like this. It's this way around.

Edited November 12, 2014 by memoboy

[SoThatHappened]

memoboy,

 

Zahara, idoltree, and KnightWithoutArmor gave some absolutely perfect advice. Really read those comments and let them settle in.

 

(Nice first post, btw, Knight)

 

The absolute best thing you can do right now, for yourself and to increase your chances of getting back together, is to become a ghost. You don't exist to her. She is dead to you.

 

Improve yourself, cut that cake-eating girl out of your life, and find someone (preferably older) who won't do that to you.

 

She had her chance. Treat it as her loss, not yours. You'll come around, I guarantee it.

[AlphaC]

 

I know she is not a bad person but her confusion is hurting me.

 

 

I'll try to go to no contact for a REAL month. .

 

Memoboy, I went through this same thing too. Listen my man, she is not CONFUSED, she picked him. I had an ex that did the same thing to me, I was naive, I would go to therapy and tell my counselor that she was a great girl, smart, loving and the only problem was that she was "confused." After almost three years together she jumped into the sack with this other guy the same day she gave me that confused BS. Actually they were doing it while she was with me, she never admitted it though. This guy was in her house every single night, the only time I got to see her was during her lunch hour. This new guy had her in his palm, why, because she allowed it. She wanted him, she chose him, she didn't want me. She left a steady 3 year relationship for this playboy, and like you, I was kept hanging, fed that stupid " I am confused" line.

 

Your ex is not confused, she is consciously making a decision. Like the other posted noted, your ex is sleeping with this other guy and that's why she is choosing not to sleep with you. She is head over heels for this playboy band member and you, my friend, are the guy she who strokes her ego and lets her know that she is more than a piece of meat.

 

You want to know how I finally moved on, I took a nice long vacation to the Caribbean, while there she called me and for the first time since I had known her I hanged up the phone on her. She called back immediately and I told her point blank, "don't ever call me again." I woke up and wasn't going to play her games anymore.

 

Memoboy, cut that infatuation, you are young, there are good people in this world, you don't owe her an explanation, just move on, change your number. Your relationship with this woman is over, let her be stuck and miserable, not you. In time you will look back and say "how could I have been so stupid to want to reunite with that woman?" Some people don't realize a good thing when they have it.

[memoboy]

Just wanted to share this still and see if you have any comments.

I guess there’s nothing much to do now, than to try to move on. It’s bloody hard to face this fact (again, for the second time already ) and I feel really empty when I think about it. But I’m just tired of this too. It’s just hard to move on, when she is still nice to me and says she loves me.

 

So, I did the talk with her. She had become more distant again. Wanting to chat online but really not initiating to meet.

So I did. We had really great time for a few hours before I brought up the subject playing with her dog and my friends cat who I was looking after. So after that I asked from her what’s going on between us.

Now, I think maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up and just let it be. But I guess I would not be able to live with clear and sober mind otherwise if I hadn’t and there would still be some hope or whatnot.

 

Basically, what she says in a nutshell is that even though she deeply loves me, then she has friendzoned me too much and cannot do these things with me.

That’s basically exactly what she said. I guess it’s my own “fault” a little bit. I have been too nice to her after breakup. She hasn’t had to chase me at all.

I gave in too easily too. Some time ago she said it was going nicely and it was during the time when I was distant and not replying too soon and acting more careless…

She sais she liked that but now it’s again either this or that with me. And she cannot be pushed. I guess I could have taken it easy and not asking at all, but since that other dude is still in play, I needed to ask.

 

It’s just so sad that it really comes down to this stupid textbook stuff. People want what they don’t have and what they need to work for or chase to get..

I just loved her too much that I acted too nicely still, like we would be in relationship.

 

She says I’m her best friend in the world and she was and is really afraid to loose me. That when I’m next to her she really feels like at home and safe. She says she wakes up every now and then and it hits her, that maybe she is doing the biggest mistake of her life. And then she misses me. And she misses me a lot and often. She is still mourning the relationship and when she started to talk about it, she broke down crying again in front of me. And even though I’m not crying anymore then seeing her cry, made my eyes wet too. I didn’t want to talk about the breakup anymore, we had done it too many times. I wanted to talk about now or future. I said to her that we shouldn’t talk about the past any more and we’re not getting anywhere with it and she agreed. Not at least without someones help. But she is still blaming me – that it’s my fault she wanted to break up. That I acted badly to her when we had that stupid fight that catapulted everything. I just withdraw and was offended, nothing bad was said during that fight. She blames me that I was too busy and didn’t pay her enough attention as a lady during our last months, in the end she didn’t feel like a lady with me and that we were too stressful in the end and it was my fault. She says we were too comfortable together too. I guess she is also too young to see the niceness of being comfy together.

She said to me that she was so much afraid to loose me during our relationship. So I guess when she finally started to feel a little differently or started to like the other guy, then it was liberating in some way to her. I don’t know. We didn’t really get to the next level yet in terms that we didn’t get engaged, didn’t even get a pet or something. So, it was easier to break our bond I guess.

 

She says she feels sort of free now and can finally look for her carrier path more and try things out more. Not that I ever interfered in that during our time. She just didn’t have much going on, had too much free time and me busy with so many things next to her, so she just felt that. It was too intense and she felt lost.

 

She is still seeing her rebound. Though she says that very casually and not that often, once in two weeks or less.

They don’t go to dates really, just seeing at parties etc.

I sort of know it’s the truth from our mutual friend. She is mostly alone. I asked if she sees a future with him and she denies it.

I even asked whether if I’m gonna be gone, maybe there will be? As she hasn’t let go of me too. She still denies.

She sais, he is not at all her friend like me and they don’t share this kind of connection at all.

But I also asked if she could see us getting back together at all any time, and she says she doesn’t see it either. Not right now at least.

 

When I saw the two together two weeks ago, she said he was walking her home, yeah.

But they just came from a friends place where both of them happened to be and it wasn’t planned and he didn’t stay.

Not that any of this matters.

 

But basically I have been her friend and he has been her lover and she admits it.

It feels so stupid and textbook crap. I’ve been too nice to her, haven’t acted enough as alfa male or macho and so she has friendzoned me.

 

She says that wasn’t at all the reason for breakup. Friendzone came later. Before and during the breakup I was very much in her boyfriend zone stiil.

The reasons of breakup were others as described above.

 

She says she tried to get closer to me now again and tried stuff with me, but I was too hasty. And wanted us to spend the night too soon etc.

But since I knew there’s this other guy in play still, then I wanted to see something from her.

 

She says she never forgives herself for hurting me so much. I kind on know she was genuine as she started to cry when she said that.

 

In some level it feels that when I hadn’t tried anything and moved on right away. Then we could be back together now…

She has never felt that she has really lost me. She felt that a bit when she find out I have some stuff with some girls, then she got afraid and tried to pull me back.

 

I guess nice guys don’t get the girl.

I should have acted like I could not care less…

Should have acted like a douche.

I guess now it’s the time for that?

 

We agreed that we shouldn’t communicate.

She wants to but I said it’s unfair to me and she agrees.

There’s still some of my stuff at her place, so she probably knows we need to meet at some point.

 

I told her I'm not her friend. That I was never her friend, and will never be her friend… I was her lover and so much more than a friend, her best friend from the relationship, not a buddy. I guess she is either too young or too blind to see that people in relationships are supposed to be best friends. How can you share your life with someone if they aren’t, if you don’t want to do things with them?

 

I feel quite stupid. I guess there’s nothing I can do.

For a start I try not to have any contact with her at least until Christmas. So at least for a month. And probably just from that on as well. Just try to erase her now. It’s hard as the town is small and the other guy is quite popular young musician and in my social circuit, he is almost everywhere.

So, when I don’t see her, I see him at least. Reminding me of all this ****. Seeing him still makes me sick. He was not close but still my friend too before this ****.

It’s hard to not contact but it’s easier when I imagine they two spending intimate time together.

Let her see that I’m really completely gone from her life.

And I guess I have to be and move on…

Edited November 23, 2014 by memoboy

[NopeNah]

I wouldn't put a time frame for NC. She's gone. Do the same.

[Mangiafuoco]

Your story has been told here time and time again. The guy that hangs around and desperately waits for a woman to chose him, all the while being an emotional tampon while the woman bounces back and forth with the other guy. Being there for advice, a shoulder, fun times, help, etc. just not enough to want to be with you in a relationship.

 

Don't be that guy. As a woman, I will tell you that the most unattractive thing a guy can do is what you're doing.

 

If she's ever going to feel the loss of you, disappear. And if you had a chance, there would have never been an ending, there would have never been another guy and you'd have never ended up being an emotional tampon.

 

Do you think this advice you gave is still valid after a breakup of 1 year? It's possible that my ex almost ignored me (we had LC) for 1 year and now start a behaviour like the one you described? It possible after 1 year she want me as emotional tampon?

I ask this because my ex say me she is confused now, she want to reduce our "distance" but she is not ready. She told me she is dating a guy she know recently and it isn't important.... She kissed me after 1 year and after 2 days she was banging with that guy (the one "not important"!).

I'm confused...

[mammasita]

Bah.....she's full of crap. I didn't even read past "she wants to try again but is still seeing her rebound" or whatever......complete BS. Don't fall for it. Do the best thing for you and block/ignore....... Move on!

[idoltree]

I guess there’s nothing much to do now, than to try to move on. It’s bloody hard to face this fact (again, for the second time already ) and I feel really empty when I think about it. But I’m just tired of this too. It’s just hard to move on, when she is still nice to me and says she loves me.

Time to let go for good.

 

She loves you, but right now you're the human equivalent of a pair of comfortable warm slippers to her. You've made yourself safe to her, there when she needs you, and available for when she wants to feel warm and comfy. The other guy is like a pair of sexy stilettos. Fun, exciting, making her feel alive, but also easy to take off at the end of the night.

 

If you stick around, you make it easier for her to live without you. You help her transition to someone new, you help her slowly wean herself off of her feelings for you. It will not end well for you. You help keep her attention on that sexy new pair of shoes, knowing her slippers are at home waiting to meet her needs. She won't notice how much her feet hurt in the heels because the comfy slippers are just a given for her, she can have them whenever she wants. It becomes easier and easier to wear the heels for longer periods of time.

 

Now that I've completely massacred that analogy:

 

Your one shot, and it's a small one at this point, is to go completely no contact and let her experience her life without you in it. It may be that somewhere down the line she realizes what she walked away from, or she may never realize it. In order for her to ever really see how many good things you brought into her life, you must force her to live without them, and without you.

 

It's tough letting go. Don't be tempted to talk to her. See it for what it is - her trying to find those slippers. Of course she still wants them when she wants them and has affectionate feelings for them, but at the end of the day she still only sees some broken-in slippers. Don't let her use you like that and don't get wrapped up in her words. Look at how she treats you, and you'll see that there is nothing keeping you there.

[chados]

life is confusing. young woman tend to break up very often and i think deep down a person can feel if the chances of her coming back are there or not. nothing is for certain but from my experience if the relationship was good and you loved each other and the breakup came out of the blue. chances are she's just really confused and they tend to stop talking to you to figure things out. they dont really break up with you. its like their mind tells them to leave but the heart is still there or vice versa.

 

the moment "you" tell them im letting you go is the moment the breakup hits them.

 

 

i think she wants to explore and even if she's cold to you right now she knows youre still there for her. she never really lost you.

 

if the relationship was good and she has absolutely no feelings towards you what so ever, chances are she will limit the texting, become a friend that doesnt really care but she doesnt want you to feel bad. being confused and have no feelings can be very hard to tell sometimes

[idoltree]

life is confusing. young woman tend to break up very often and i think deep down a person can feel if the chances of her coming back are there or not. nothing is for certain but from my experience if the relationship was good and you loved each other and the breakup came out of the blue. chances are she's just really confused and they tend to stop talking to you to figure things out. they dont really break up with you. its like their mind tells them to leave but the heart is still there or vice versa.

 

the moment "you" tell them im letting you go is the moment the breakup hits them.

Slightly off-topic, but thank you for the clearest, most sane description of what I'm going through right now. Except the person doing it is a guy and I'm the girl.

 

I just met someone new last night who is great. I'm single, I've mostly mourned the relationship with my ex, it doesn't feel like I'm rebounding, but I'm not dumb and I know what my moving on means in the bigger picture because of the circumstances you describe so perfectly.

 

I'm not sure if it will go anywhere with the new guy. I'd like it to go somewhere. But I'm also afraid of what will happen if it does and I have to tell the ex that he needs to stop holding on because that's probably the moment the reality of what he has done will hit him. (I would have to tell him because he has been holding onto a lot of my things at his place.)

 

It's hard to live in this limbo and to not want to hurt anyone, especially myself. The ex is not there for me, there's no guarantee he'll come back, and his actions say to move on. So that's what I'm doing. I'm capable of having feelings for someone else and that's been a long time coming. And very shortly things are going to go haywire. I know it.

[chados]

Slightly off-topic, but thank you for the clearest, most sane description of what I'm going through right now. Except the person doing it is a guy and I'm the girl.

 

I just met someone new last night who is great. I'm single, I've mostly mourned the relationship with my ex, it doesn't feel like I'm rebounding, but I'm not dumb and I know what my moving on means in the bigger picture because of the circumstances you describe so perfectly.

 

I'm not sure if it will go anywhere with the new guy. I'd like it to go somewhere. But I'm also afraid of what will happen if it does and I have to tell the ex that he needs to stop holding on because that's probably the moment the reality of what he has done will hit him. (I would have to tell him because he has been holding onto a lot of my things at his place.)

 

It's hard to live in this limbo and to not want to hurt anyone, especially myself. The ex is not there for me, there's no guarantee he'll come back, and his actions say to move on. So that's what I'm doing. I'm capable of having feelings for someone else and that's been a long time coming. And very shortly things are going to go haywire. I know it.

 

 

 

people just dont know what they have until they dont anymore. often understanding a persons value comes with age. some never believe anything is good enough. for me understanding that nothing or nobody is perfect took me 25 years to understand, before i had no idea. i thought feelings were lost until she broke up with me. the attraction you have in the beginning will fade but it can come back. sometimes what we had is as good as we get.

[memoboy]

Any advice what to do still. We had that (final) talk and she said I'm now friend zoned for her. That I'm her best friend in life but cannot see us getting back together. I guess that's the result of being too nice and available after breakup.

**** this friend zone thing. It's like saying you have all the qualities I want from my boyfriend but in some reason I now find you sexually repulsive It's like mental castration or something. Haha. I guess she is too young or blind to see that you're supposed to be best friends if you want to be in long relationship. She wants the best of our relationship, without the responsibility of it.

 

I then said to her I'm not gonna be her friend, I was her lover and best friend from a relationship, not her buddy. The talk was calm and not angry, even sort of friendly. I left and didn't contact her again then since. It's been a week. We agreed not to communicate.

 

But now my ex texts me daily. Sends me this stuff every day, at first just asking how's it going, and sending stuff about her dog and stuff, asking whether we’re not talking any more, being sad, sending sad smilies. Even sadder smilies.

Even asking to make up (but I know she wants to make up as friend) and asking to give me some letter. Like everything hasn’t already said a zillion times. She says she has hard time letting me go. I guess she didn't think that I will not talk to her at all any more.

 

I haven't any more answered to any of her messages this week.

Should I just completely ignore her?

[Zahara]

Yes, you should ignore her. Unless she's banging on your door wanting you back, she's just making contact because while she does miss the attachment she has with you, it's just platonic. She doesn't see what the big deal is because contact doesn't hurt her like it does you.

 

Block her so you stop being triggered by her. If you don't you'll keep feeling stuck and confused.

[Simon Phoenix]

You really need to block her dude.

[Xiang]

So this is what i have been doing wrong. Still being there for her is making my X lose respect ._. .

What i gotta do is go NC and act like a douche.

Ty forum people. No joke, even if it sounds sarcastic.

 

Still i don't think this helps either.

Oh and...idk what to say OP, i've tehnically been doing the same thing, guess you should take this advice.

[Ducktape]

What i gotta do is go NC and act like a douche.

Ty forum people. No joke, even if it sounds sarcastic.

If you think you have to act douchey, NC will never work with that attitude. You got it all wrong, read the NC guide again!

 

You guys are always putting the emphasis of the NC on the dumper. You are masochists.

[Simon Phoenix]

So this is what i have been doing wrong. Still being there for her is making my X lose respect ._. .

What i gotta do is go NC and act like a douche.

Ty forum people. No joke, even if it sounds sarcastic.

 

Still i don't think this helps either.

Oh and...idk what to say OP, i've tehnically been doing the same thing, guess you should take this advice.

 

Going No Contact isn't being a douche. That's a weird way to look at it. It's protecting yourself while also giving the dumper exactly what they want. That want to be broken up, so be broken up.