I destroyed our friendship

[decemberist]

Hi, I'm not sure if anyone can even give any advice on this but I NEED to talk about this .. so if anyone is willig to read this: thank you in advance.

And sorry if my English sounds weird ... I'm not a native speaker.

 

There is this girl in my life who I've known for three years (we went to school together) and are/were best friends, basically. I'm not exactly a sociable person and I don't have many close friends, which made her a very important person in my life. We always joked that we are soulmates because we really seem to complete each other: we laughed about the same things, often finished each other's sentences, liked the same things and could basically talk about anything. Because we were so close people often assumed that we were a couple or that we were in love and just hadn't realised it yet (which we both found annoying because we knew it wasn't true).

I don't know what exactly she thought about me in that aspect (apart from her calling me her best friend/soulmate) but I never considered trying anything more than friendship with her. I have to explain that I don't fall in love easily and I don't need to be in a relationship all the time. I broke up with my last girlfriend 1.5 years ago and not much has happened since then. With this specific friend it was always just that I really liked her and that I enjoyed her company because it was always very relaxed and I felt accepted by her. I thought she was clever, funny, pretty ... I never felt sexually attracted to her but I didn't think about this a lot anyway.

So this is the backstory, basically.

The actual problem started two or three months ago, I think. I had just moved into my new dorm and was feeling a bit messed up because of various things, she came to visit and she noticed that I wasn't ok, we talked and it somehow made sense to me to kiss her in that moment. What happened later is probably not that difficult to imagine.

You would think that this is not something that's so difficult to sort out but since this happened everything just went to ****. Because at first we said, ok, we both enjoyed this but we're not gonna do this again because we don't want our friendship to become complicated. Worked out for a few days ... then we had sex again. This went on for some time ... us saying that we wouldn't do it again and still ending up there again in the end. We tried to get some distance, which didn't work. We decided it would be best if we only met outside ... and ended up making out in other places. Then we said that we were actually thinking too much about this because if we both enjoyed it then it wasn't really that much of a big deal and why stop doing it if we both like it. Then a few weeks later she made some allusions and I don't know if I took that too seriously but she told me that she wasn't sure anymore how she was feeling about our relationship and that it was somehow more than friendship to her. At which point I decided that I had to stop having sex with her because it didn't seem fair to me. But in the end it didn't matter what I had decided because it's just difficult if you both just REALLY want to do it. I felt really bad because of my lack of self-control, so I thought it would be better if we stopped seeing each other so that we could both get some distance and understand what we both actually want. She didn't like that idea at all but respected my decision in the end. We didn't see each other for two or three weeks, I think. Then we started seeing each other again because university started and we have classes together and it would be stupid to just ignore each other. So we started talking again and she told me that she was angry with me because I had just stopped talking to her and that this is what really hurt her and not my having sex with her, to which I told her that it just didn't seem right to me because I didn't want to use her and that I felt like this was what I was doing and that since apparently I'm not able to control myself I thought it was better if we stopped seeing each other. To which she said that it was her own decision and that it made her angry that I thought I had to decide that for her.

So then for the last month we saw each other again and we started doing stuff together again and I told myself that I would NOT have sex with her again because I didn't want to use her and it felt to me like I was doing that. The problem is just that since sleeping with her for the first time, I have somehow become obsessed with sex, which I had NEVER been before. So it was really hard to control myself and in the end I failed AGAIN.

So now I am basically ignoring her because I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I REALLY want to have sex with her, SHE wants to have sex with me, I can't control myself AT ALL, she says that she is not sure what she wants from me, I want to be her friend but I ALSO want to **** her, and I can't keep doing this because I have aready hurt her too much and she really doesn't deserve this.

I know how stupid this sounds and that it would be logical to just STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER. But it's like I'm physically unable to do that. I told myself again and again that I would not touch her but as soon as we're alone in a room together my brain stops working.

I don't know what to do because I feel like I destroyed our friendship and that there is no way I can get out of this without hurting her. If I have sex with her I hurt her and if I stay away from her I hurt her, and I don't trust myself enough to try the whole "we're just friends and stop having sex"-thing again.

I don't know how to get this right, so I've kinda given up because I feel like I have destroyed enough already and it would be best if we stopped being friends because she deserves better than someone like me who can't get his **** together and make a decision.

Maybe this seems easier to sort out from an outside perspective, so I would be really grateful if you could give me some advice. I'm sorry this turned out so long.

Edited November 11, 2014 by decemberist

[preraph]

Well, you and I think it sounds weird for completely different reasons. I say if you value her so highly as a friend AND now you really want to have sex with her, that that seems like a good relationship to me.

 

So I'm guessing you have some rational reason for not wanting to lead her forward into commitment -- and what would that be? Because she's not who you envisioned falling for? She doesn't fit the ideal in your head? You don't see her as wife material? Because if she's good enough to be your very close friend AND you want to have sex with her, you'd be a fool to throw her aside just because she isn't who you thought you'd fall for.

[todreaminblue]

marry her........invite me to your wedding....deb

[decemberist]

Hi, thanks for answering so quickly!

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with her for two reasons:

1. I am not in love with her. I love her ... but not in that way? I don't think you can just take friendship and sex and make a relationship out of that.

2. I can't even deal with myself, so how can I expect her to do that? I'm already completely messed up and I know that she would be worried if she found out about certain things. I know that I would probably feel better if I could talk about these things with her but I can't just take my problems and expect her to deal with them. That would be selfish.

 

So even IF I started a relationship with her (if that's even what she wants), it would not end well because we would either break up because I don't feel the right things for her or because of my problems that she wouldn't be able to deal with or that I wouldn't want her to have to deal with.

[todreaminblue]

Hi, thanks for answering so quickly!

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with her for two reasons:

1. I am not in love with her. I love her ... but not in that way? I don't think you can just take friendship and sex and make a relationship out of that.

2. I can't even deal with myself, so how can I expect her to do that? I'm already completely messed up and I know that she would be worried if she found out about certain things. I know that I would probably feel better if I could talk about these things with her but I can't just take my problems and expect her to deal with them. That would be selfish.

 

So even IF I started a relationship with her (if that's even what she wants), it would not end well because we would either break up because I don't feel the right things for her or because of my problems that she wouldn't be able to deal with or that I wouldn't want her to have to deal with.

 

we all have problems ....we are all inherently flawed on purposes so we can grow over a lifetime so we learn so we progress....so we find out who and what we really are.............thats what i believe....my question to you is

 

how do you know what you can and cant handle when you havent tried it yet.......how do you know if she can or cant.....

 

maybe you arent ready for a relationship yet....maybe you are.......but you dont know either way....because you havent been there.......what i get from your post is conflict....hesitation...mixed feelings and unsurety...which uncannily enough sounds like a scared hidden love to me...its like sky diving....you get up there you look down and go hell no i must be freakin crazy ...what if the chute doesnt open ....what if i break my neck..what if a bird attacks me...what if a plane runs into me.....what if i faint and cant pull the chute....what if i pull the chute and nothing happens..and then you go hey i paid for this ride..i said yes to this ride.....you feel deserving of having a blast.....then in your head it clears and you go **** it close your eyes hope and pray to god for the best and you just fall out of the plane....and the rush begins....

 

 

i jumped out of a helicopter once with no parachute.....did a pin dive into water...felt like hitting concrete but i survived....and so will you..make a decision......stick to it...commit to it..either way...deb

[decemberist]

I don't think I'm afraid of being in a relationship with her, I just don't WANT to be in a relationship with her (or anyone). I like being her friend, I like talking to her and having fun with her AND I like having sex with her. But it wouldn't feel right to call her my girlfriend, hold hands with her in public, stuff like that ... I simply cannot imagine doing that.

[kindy14]

Dude, you are in a "relationship" with her. Of course, it depends on what you mean by relationship.

 

Since things are so messed up for you, I would suggest maybe finding one on one counseling, perhaps at the college you are at. Talking on here is one thing, and it does help (it has me.) Professional help can lead you to personal discoveries you may not get on here. YMMV

 

One thing you have to realize, if you are friends and just want to be friends, you have to talk to her about why, and just be open and honest. You are in pain because of this, and she may be able to help with that. And if you don't want to have sex with her, then try not getting that physically close to her, or in a private setting.

 

Of course, I'm no expert in relations, I'm separated from my wife at the moment. I do understand the conflict of wanting/not wanting to get involved with a friend.

[preraph]

I agree that this sounds like a personal problem, a basic conflict that might keep you from ever being happy in a relationship. You have a relationship. I find it extremely cruel that she's good enough for friendship and F'ing, but she's not good enough to be seen with in public. That's YOUR insecurity, thinking you need someone impressive to use as a prop to make yourself look better. I see now way this is going to not end your friendship with this girl once she finds out you don't think she's good enough.

[decemberist]

I don't think that she is not GOOD ENOUGH for me. I'm just not in love with her and I can't change that?! I have been in love ONCE and that was years ago. I just don't see the point in having a relationship with someone I'm not in love with?! Also I don't even know if she would WANT a relationship.

 

I feel bad for avoiding her but I don't know what I should do. I know what her opinion is but it doesn't seem right. She told me we could have sex and still be friends but I feel like I'm using her when I do that. And she deserves better than that.

 

I never understood why people had to make everything complicated with sex and now I'm not any different and that just makes me feel disgusted by myself.

[preraph]

Well,then all you can do is be 100 percent honest with her. Just tell her you don't fall in love easily and like you said the last time was a long time ago and you just don't want to give her false hope because you're not in love that way.

[decemberist]

She knows that.

 

I just don't know how to deal with a situation where I want one thing and the other person says that it's ok but it doesn't FEEL like it's ok.

I feel like I can't be around her without wanting to have sex with her. She says she's ok with having sex even when we're just friends. But I feel like it's not right and like I'm using her. Of course I'm honest with her but that doesn't help at all.

[kindy14]

I get not wanting to be in a serious relationship with your friend, but you are in a relationship with her. Of course, it's a non-typical relationship.

 

You need to get your issues straightened out.

 

If you feel that something is wrong, then don't do it. Don't put yourself in positions where it can happen.

 

Go take a cold shower, or something.

[StrongLass]

She knows that.

 

I just don't know how to deal with a situation where I want one thing and the other person says that it's ok but it doesn't FEEL like it's ok.

 

You do EVERYTHING in your power to STOP the thing that feels wrong from happening. Even if that means only seeing her in certain circumstances. AKA: Only in public

 

I feel like I can't be around her without wanting to have sex with her. She says she's ok with having sex even when we're just friends.

 

Yeah she's ok with it NOW, but judging by what usually seems to happen with this sort of thing that will likely not always be the case even if things are good for a while.

 

But I feel like it's not right and like I'm using her.

 

You are right. It isn't good to use people, especially those we care for.

 

Of course I'm honest with her but that doesn't help at all.

 

Probably because she doesn't believe you. HOW many times now have you said "we need to stop doing this"?...

[decemberist]

It's difficult at the moment ... we see each other twice in class every week and we ignore each other most of the time. I know how childish this is but I have no idea how to talk to her because I feel like I've caused enough damage already and don't want to the wrong thing? Like, what do I say to her? I don't know if it would be best to just leave this behind and pretend like it never happened and go on with our friendship - in public places? Or if we should talk about this? I mean, we tried this before and it didn't exactly go well ...

 

Also, I want to point out that it's not like we have sex all the time ... it happened maybe seven or eight times over the last 2.5 months. I say "happened" because that's what it feels like to me ... I know that I am responsible for what I'm doing but it really feels like my brain just shuts down and I just throw all my good intentions overboard. I never had this problem before and I find it a bit unsettling.

[StrongLass]

It's difficult at the moment ... we see each other twice in class every week and we ignore each other most of the time. I know how childish this is but I have no idea how to talk to her because I feel like I've caused enough damage already and don't want to the wrong thing?

 

Ignoring each other isn't great but it's understandable. People are complicated & no one knows what to do all of the time. You care about your friend & you're trying to do right by her as well as yourself. Be a little easier on yourself about that.

 

Like, what do I say to her?

 

That's ultimately your decision, but if you don't feel like you can keep doing this/don't want to then say so & follow up with why. For you the why seems to be 1) Don't want a relationship with her 2) Don't want to keep being FwB 3) Like being her friend without risk of complications that come with 1 or 2.

 

If she tries to pressure you into letting things slide back to the way they were before then you're going to have to give her a wide berth for a while as that would be disrespectful of her toward you.

 

I don't know if it would be best to just leave this behind and pretend like it never happened and go on with our friendship - in public places?Or if we should talk about this? I mean, we tried this before and it didn't exactly go well ...

 

Considering how things have already become complicated it's a bit late to sweep things under the metaphorical rug. If you want a chance to rebuild your relationship to a state where you both can be happy with it you're really going to have to have an open & frank discussion or things won't get better on their own.

 

Yes you have tried, but have you tried on truly neutral (public) ground? If not you should, if yes then she isn't listening to you which is another problem.

 

Also, I want to point out that it's not like we have sex all the time ... it happened maybe seven or eight times over the last 2.5 months. I say "happened" because that's what it feels like to me ... I know that I am responsible for what I'm doing but it really feels like my brain just shuts down and I just throw all my good intentions overboard. I never had this problem before and I find it a bit unsettling.

 

The frequency isn't really the problem though is it? it's your reoccurring lack of personal control & negative feelings that the situation are giving you that are.

[decemberist]

I'm not sure if I made this clear but she is not the one who doesn't stick to our "agreement". After we had sex for the first time we both agreed on not doing it again and then I was the one who started this again, after which I felt bad about it and she said that she didn't mind. Then we came to the point where she said that she wasn't sure about her feelings, after which I decided that we had to stop this and started avoiding her. Then we had sex again (that was two weeks ago, I guess) and now I can't talk to her at all.

She doesn't pressure me into anything. She's actually far too accepting and understanding of all the crap I'm putting her through.

[yxalitis]

Dude, seriously...

 

Get over yourself.

 

"OH, I'm so complicated..she can't cope with me..I find it hard to love..."

 

Bullcrap

 

Your "issues" aren't anything she isn't already aware of...right...she's not some stranger you just met.

 

She's your soulmate, she's obviously attracted to you, wants you, you love her as a friend, like her physically....

 

Maybe..maybe it'll all go bad...but doing nothing like this isn't helping either.

Maybe you'll hurt her..maybe she'll hurt you!

 

But maybe, you'll have the best relationship of your life!

I think that's worth any risk...right?

 

Right now things are bad with you...what can you do to make things better?

Take a leap of faith

No relationship comes with a guarantee of success!

 

 

Take her hand, look into her eyes, tell her:

"let's try this, see where it goes"

 

And stop being such a jackass!

Edited November 26, 2014 by yxalitis

[Tayla]

surprised that no one offered up the fwb plan. its perfect for him. he is a canidate for that style .

 

99% per cent of those whom shared intimacy had a healthy friendship to grow upon. the 1% that had it for the physical rewards didnt last. intimacy and sexual encounters are so not the same thing. ask an escort or prostitute.

[yxalitis]

surprised that no one offered up the fwb plan. its perfect for him. he is a canidate for that style .

 

99% per cent of those whom shared intimacy had a healthy friendship to grow upon. the 1% that had it for the physical rewards didnt last. intimacy and sexual encounters are so not the same thing. ask an escort or prostitute.

He's been PRETTY clear all along he doesn't want to do that, he considers it "using her"

[Tayla]

He's been PRETTY clear all along he doesn't want to do that, he considers it "using her"

Ummm....reality check...He *IS* using her. He just hasn't admitted it to himself. This is based off the conveyance of information relayed on this post mind you. So While someone may have standards , he has admitted he cannot control his.

In reality he already has the FWB going on.

[xUnknown]

Give it a shot man. You feel like you're using her...but she seems to not mind. Why not see where things go. People "test the waters" all the time. Go for it.

 

Tell her how much you enjoy her friendship. How much you enjoy the physicality of things. How much you enjoy her being in your life.

]

You may not love her, yet. Who knows, maybe you'll fall for her.

 

Or, maybe she decides, "screw you I showed you I cared about you, but if you can't give it a shot then I'm done with the friendship." Maybe you're heartbroken, because you realized how much of a good friend you lost..then you start to realize the impact she had on your life.

 

Don't wait for those maybes, take charge. Do it, or not. But its clear that if you decide to not give it a shot, you can't be friends with her right now. You two are both drawn to each other one way or another.

 

Go for it and report back here!