I am feeling like my marriage is circling the drain slowly.

[Elliotte]

I love my wife, she is a great friend and someone I feel close to on some deep levels, but some major things in our relationship make our lives hard and make me wonder if having a child together is a good idea or a bad decision. Here's the big stress factors;

-my 7yo son from another relationship, her stepson, is a handful, he grew up in a split households between his mom and I, but now mostly lives with us. He has ODD, I've started taking him to a counselor and he's slowly improving, breaking bad habits. My wife used to love him and spend happy time with us before she moved in, now she mostly loathes him, is jealous of time I spend with him, and he doesn't like her much either, who can blame him? She's usually angry or distant with him. Her and I have tried parenting together but I take care of him the majority of the time and the little bits of time we have as a family are full of tension, she has no patience with him. UNLESS she's not getting along with me, then she buddies up to him!

- our sex life for the first year was amazing, we were flirtatious, passionate, couldn't keep our hands off each other, she used to praise our sex life to high heaven. Once she moved in, that died down to nothing almost immediately, for awhile we fought about it, she acted defensive and started insulting me over it when I would merely try to talk it out with her calmly. We now have planned "intimate nights" along with date nights, but the spark is pretty far gone most of the time, usually it feels like she's just going through the motions and has complained that intimacy is for me, and not for us. It's been two and a half years of this, I try to flirt I get no response in kind, I try to come on to her, she rejects me unless it is intimate night, very little passion, very little spontaneity.

- I got a vasectomy after breaking up with my sons' mother. Our son wasn't planned and I didn't want another surprise like that. As soon as my wife and I decided to seriously pursue a relationship, she started freaking out about having a baby, even saying "I must have a baby, just so I have something if we divorce!" For awhile I felt like I must make this relationship work and have tried to work towards a vasectomy reversal, but the subject remains a sore spot, her fears about us not having a baby make her overreact and make me feel like nothing but a sperm donor, whenever the subject comes up, its always a need of hers, and never a conversation about us being parents. I get it, she wants a child of her own, but I feel like she's bullying me onto a surgery table rather than us planning to be parents together.

 

I am sick of her pushing me around, for the longest time I felt like I had to do so much her way just to keep her, she's threatened to walk out the door on me so many times, I want her to follow through with it. I feel like just blindly hurtling down this path towards having a baby like she wants is leading to disaster. We've done a LOT of marriage counseling and get along a lot better than previously, but our life together is still not happy. At the very least I want to tell her how I feel, and if she decides to get up and leave me, so be it.

 

How would you handle this situation? Admit defeat and break up? Try and fix things more? Lay it out for your spouse and see if they leave?

[Emerald_11]

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel & don't hold back.

 

 

It doesn't sound like another child in this family would be a good idea with the way she treats your son. It may seem like she'd be different if it were her own child but you don't know that she might treat them the same way she treats him.

I have taught and taken care of children with disorders including ODD. It can be hard with kids like that sometimes but they still need love and attention just like every other child especially from members of their own family - including step parents.. I did notice that the majority of the time the children diagnosed with ODD came from families that were not all living together or they had been removed from their homes and placed in foster care. It seems to me- to be a disorder children develop when coping with external factors & stress.

If you admit your life together is not happy please don't pursue bringing someone else into that family until you feel happy together & like it is the right thing to do.

Perhaps you should discuss why this having a baby is such a big need of hers with your counselor.

I think it's great you guys have date nights etc...but being together & intimate is not just for one person it is for both of you. If she thinks she is just doing you favors there's something not quite right about that.

 

 

You still might be able to work it out if both of you really want it to & try.

 

 

For me just being honest with someone is a huge relief and sounds like there's not a lot for you to lose here by just being totally straight with her because -Like you said if she decides to leave so be it....

[tobrieornottobrie]

I know that you mentioned that you and your wife have been going through marital counseling and that things have improved, but have you considered some family counseling for you, your wife, and your son? Maybe family counseling would enable the two of them to work through some of the issues that they have. It sounds like this has been a very stressful time, how long have you and your wife been married? These circumstances would definitely take some adjusting for all three of you, perhaps that's the cause of extra tension? I hope that it gets better for you, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[GirlStillStrong]

What on earth makes her think you should have a child with her when she is not even mature enough to step-parent the child you DO have. You might want to mention to her that having a child "in case we get divorced" is NOT a healthy, mature reason for wanting to have a child! How unfair to the child! Not only that, to bring a new baby into the current family situation is not going to help matters.

 

Whatever her issues with intimacy with you, it sounds like she is unhappy but feels too something to tell you what they are, either too embarrassed or feels like you don't WANT to make her happy in bed. Also, your son is being affected by these issues and I think all three of you need to get into counseling. I say put the child FIRST and get into family counseling. Start clearing the air and making your home conducive to raising a young boy with this disorder. He's already got so much going against him.

 

I can't tell you what to do about divorcing or not. But she sounds just really immature. Sorry you are going through this.