Aargh Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Three weeks ago, after years of unhappiness I left my wife. We had tried MC but nothing was willing me get beyond the feeling that our marriage was over. I had checked out emotionally some time prior and I was finding it impossible to rediscover any feelings or even reason to stay together. So when the opportunity arose I left. It has been very very very difficult since. Telling my 10yt old daughter was hell and it will stay with me forever. I he been staying with friends/ family since but am moving into rental this weekend. Moving into the new place is a HUGE deal and I am growing increasingly worried and uncertain that the decision I made over many years to leave may have been wrong. I tend to feel this way first thing in the morning and it does seem to pass as I am distracted by my working day but nevertheless it is there and I awake feeling my place is there with my kids and my family regardless of how unhappy I personally was finding it. I rationalise these uncertainties simply as nerves but I am struggling to reconcile the fact that my kids will for the rest of their lives be passed between me and their mother. I hope this gets easier and less lonely because I am struggling to stick to the plan. Please. Anyone? I need advise or support? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aargh Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Sorry everyone - please excuse my typos in the original posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I would say as admiral as it is that you are very concerned about how this will affect your children - staying together "just for them" is not a good idea. In fact I think it can be worse then making a clean split and moving onto a healthy, happy future relationship. If you and your wife are able to deal with the split amicably then I think the kids will eventually be able to adjust. How old are the children .... is the 10 year old the youngest ?? In terms of your own feelings right now - they are normal. The beginning of a separation is the hardest part. The emotion of love - is characterized by 2 key components. Attraction and attachment. Attraction brings 2 people together - Attachment is what keeps them together. But in truth both are needed for love to survive. Often what happens when relationships break down is the attraction for one another has faded. People find themselves in a brother - sister type relationship held together only by the attachment emotion they have formed over many years. But when you decide to split - that attachment feeling is very hard to break even if we know we are doing the right thing by ending the relationship. I compare it to breaking an addiction. Over time, by spending so much time and sharing so many things together you have built up an addiction to your wife. Breaking the addiction is like breaking any addiction. It's hard. Now that you have given up you will have cravings and compulsions to go back to your wife and your relationship. Many people end up caught in a bit of a limbo stage when they first end a relationship because the attachment they feel to their ex-partner and their old life is so hard to break. Just like a smoker has cravings to light up a cigarette you will want to call her. Sleep in your old bed. Do the things you previously did together. Sometimes those feelings can be overwhelming. It depends on your relationship and feelings as to what happens and what you should do. Sometimes in this stage people actually realize they don't really want to give all that up and go back to their old relationship. Other people decide it is healthy and for the best to push through this period and make a clean break. It does get easier the longer you stay apart. The less contact you can have with your wife during the initial stages the easier it usually is. Also like other addictions finding something to distract and occupy your time will help take focus off the cravings you feel. Exercise, keep busy and find new interests. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Three weeks ago, after years of unhappiness I left my wife. We had tried MC but nothing was willing me get beyond the feeling that our marriage was over. I had checked out emotionally some time prior and I was finding it impossible to rediscover any feelings or even reason to stay together. What issues led to "years of unhappiness"? And what has your wife said and done about the problems in your marriage and potential divorce? Lastly, anyone else involved with either one of you ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 It is so difficult to recognize whether the emotions of uncertainty are due to the natural course of what you/we are going through in terms of the separation OR if they are a "sign" that the relationship could work. I don't have the answer - I'm right there with you - but what justanaverageguy says is pretty spot on and good food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I am glad you are considering the kids. I came from a split home and it was not easy. People like to think the kids are fine. The parents are not the ones that have to go to two homes and have the heart ache of choosing between where they want to be or even not having a choice. Have you gone to counseling with your wife? Its not easy to make marriages work but it can be done. Anything worth keeping is not going to come easy. After time you cant turn back so I hope you are doing whats best. Good luck and sorry for your pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 I believe it is far better to actively model for children how to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness, rather than continue to contribute to an unhappy home. I did not always feel this way, and was adamantly on the other side of the argument when my brother left his wife when their daughter was just 3 years old. Now that she is in college, I realize it was for the best, because he eventually met (and married) someone who he is very compatible with. They do everything together and fully enjoy it. I would rather my niece have grown up in that environment than the unhappy, toxic, bickering environment of his first marriage. That's not good for anyone, much less a child. It's easy to second guess yourself. I believe you know in your heart what you need to do. More will be revealed. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 I would rather my niece have grown up in that environment than the unhappy, toxic, bickering environment of his first marriage. That's not good for anyone, much less a child. Sure, but if the parents can attempt to be mature and live amicably and civilly as co-parents, that would be the best thing. Kids don't need a model of a passionate marriage, they need stability and love for themselves. If the parents can't hold themselves back from being hostile and constantly fighting with each other, then a separation would be best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Sure, but if the parents can attempt to be mature and live amicably and civilly as co-parents, that would be the best thing. Kids don't need a model of a passionate marriage, they need stability and love for themselves. If the parents can't hold themselves back from being hostile and constantly fighting with each other, then a separation would be best. Kids don't need a model of a good relationship where both people are happy and fulfilled? I'm sorry but I disagree. "Attempting to be mature..." sounds a lot like just sucking it up and continuing to trudge along. Sorry but that is not the kind of life I want to have, nor model for a child or other young person. Children can and do flourish in non-traditional relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
kindy14 Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 attraction and attachment - well, that would be why my marriage is failing. I don't feel I have either anymore with my wife. I've always kept a barrier up between me and anyone else when it came to my emotions. Was hurt to many times growing up and trying to find a relationship. Well, the barrier is falling apart, and so's the rest of my life. So, my plan of throwing my life into a wood chipper is right on schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
misty12 Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Sure, but if the parents can attempt to be mature and live amicably and civilly as co-parents, that would be the best thing. Kids don't need a model of a passionate marriage, they need stability and love for themselves. If the parents can't hold themselves back from being hostile and constantly fighting with each other, then a separation would be best. I disagree.. I grew up with parents who were nothing more than roommates and it's for this reason I've always had such low expectations for relationships and have been putting up with an unhealthy marriage for way too long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aargh Posted November 14, 2014 Author Share Posted November 14, 2014 Thank you everyone for your inputs.. Justanaverageguy - that was a most welcome post, thank you. The attraction / attachment idea makes total sense. The attraction went a long time ago but the attachment remains - I have to see her and often the exfamily home nearly everyday which is not helping me break the sense of attachment. But in time when my new life is more established then I am hopeful things will become easier and past habits / attachments will be replaced. I do still have my doubts whether what I am doing is the right thing to do - of course I do?! However, importantly, when i am alone, I don't miss my wife. Sure I feel terrible for the poor lady and what she is having to go through but selfishly I feel I can be in a better place without her in my life 24/7. I am pleased to say that my kids seem to have taken this split in their stride and are coping well. I miss them more than I can explain every morning when i no longer get my wake up hug but when i do see them (every other day) the time is so special. Of course I am not taking their wellbeing for granted and there have been huge upsets and sadnesses but we are intelligent and empathic adults that both want the best for our kids. I believe we can minimise any damage done - I wouldn't have left if I didn't believe this. Both myself and my wife deserve to be in a relationship where the love flows in both directions. Thanks again everyone. this forum can be such a huge source of strength 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 I do still have my doubts whether what I am doing is the right thing to do - of course I do?! However, importantly, when i am alone, I don't miss my wife. Sure I feel terrible for the poor lady and what she is having to go through but selfishly I feel I can be in a better place without her in my life 24/7. The fact that you do not miss her at all is telling. You have definitely made the right choice by leaving. For BOTH of you. But feeling sorry for ANYONE does more harm than people realize. Allow the woman, both in your mind and in your behavior, the dignity to find her own way and don't insult her soul with pity. She needs none. The fact that a man leaves the woman he married says NOTHING about her value, her abilities, or her potential. It will be rough for a while, until she gets her bearings, but you'll see. I am certain that she also can and will have a better life without you in it 24/7. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 14, 2014 Share Posted November 14, 2014 Kids don't need a model of a good relationship where both people are happy and fulfilled? I'm sorry but I disagree. "Attempting to be mature..." sounds a lot like just sucking it up and continuing to trudge along. Sorry but that is not the kind of life I want to have, nor model for a child or other young person. Children can and do flourish in non-traditional relationships. If the parents can't manage to be happy if they're not having a passionate relationship, and insist on fighting and making life miserable in the home, then they should separate. People can be happy and fulfilled without being in a great marriage. There's so much BS about the relationships people "deserve" to be in, and the primacy of personal happiness and fulfillment..well, when you become a parent, your major commitment is to the wellbeing of your young children. I think people are very selfish about their personal fulfillment. That's o.k., as long as they don't have kids. When they do, they need to be a little less self-centered for awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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