ohso Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I’m with a guy for many years and mostly it’s been great. We both have commitment issues but in different ways. He used to joke about marrying me in the beginning of our relationship. Then after 2 years he started saying marriage is just a piece of paper. Then after a few years we broke up for a short time because he refused to marry me saying he isn’t ready financially and emotionally and our relationship isn’t strong. Then I dated other men but nothing serious. He was hurt and came back saying I’m the one and he will marry me when I wanted it. He even went to psychotherapy and his therapist said he is deeply committed to me. But after some years he forgot about saying that and refused when I proposed him saying he’s afraid he’ll lose his freedom. We stayed together and he promised marriage will happen once. I on the other hand am patient and not pushy because I'm too afraid to commit to such a man even though he is great other ways, because I can’t trust him fully. He’s very flaky. I’m also resentful so even if he asked me to marry him I would refuse just to hurt him back. I know this is a messy situation and I’m not looking for “just dump him”, I need true help please. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Pretty clear there are only 3 potential outcomes: 1). The two of you get married 2). The two of you stay together as an unmarried couple 3). The two of you break up Since only 2 and 3 are available options, let us know which one you choose ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 The point of marriage is to "lose your freedom." You find someone who you want to make an exclusive commitment to - for life. Anyone who says that they don't want to get married because they want to maintain their freedom, probably isn't someone you want to marry anyway. Clearly there are some reservations on your part regarding this relationship. When you tell us that you would "refuse (to get married) just to hurt him back," it is clear that you 1.) are hurt and 2.) that there is no security in this relationship. The real question is - what do you want moving forward in your life? Do you want to be the "live-in" girlfriend of a man who doesn't "want to lose his freedom," or do you want more? I think you already know the answer. Have you gone to a counselor at all? The reason I ask is because just leaving this guy may not resolve your problem. Looking inside with the help of a counselor can allow you to see what is allowing you to stay in an uncommitted relationship like the one you are in now. Working on yourself will open the possibility of a truly healthy relationship moving forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Why would you want to be married to a man you don't trust? The fact that after practically begging for this, you are thinking about saying no just to hurt him tells me you are in no way ready for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I split with my oldest son's father for that exact reason. He refused to marry me, he thought we'd split up one day and I'd take all his money. Leaving him was the the right thing to do. He's still single 16years later. He's still selfish. He's never finacially supported his son. I predict he'll have his assets converted to gold bars when he dies and have them buried with him. My advice, look for a man who truely wants to share themselves, their life and their future with you. Don't waste time on someone who can't share themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
FromAbove Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 I’m with a guy for many years and mostly it’s been great. We both have commitment issues but in different ways. He used to joke about marrying me in the beginning of our relationship. Then after 2 years he started saying marriage is just a piece of paper. Then after a few years we broke up for a short time because he refused to marry me saying he isn’t ready financially and emotionally and our relationship isn’t strong. Then I dated other men but nothing serious. He was hurt and came back saying I’m the one and he will marry me when I wanted it. He even went to psychotherapy and his therapist said he is deeply committed to me. But after some years he forgot about saying that and refused when I proposed him saying he’s afraid he’ll lose his freedom. We stayed together and he promised marriage will happen once. I on the other hand am patient and not pushy because I'm too afraid to commit to such a man even though he is great other ways, because I can’t trust him fully. He’s very flaky. I’m also resentful so even if he asked me to marry him I would refuse just to hurt him back. I know this is a messy situation and I’m not looking for “just dump him”, I need true help please. You already mentioned it. The keyword is TRUST. You said you can not fully trust him. I think you guys should stop playing games, and be open and honest to eachother if you want to fully commit, which means lose your freedom, not being tied down. If there are doubts, try to work it out one by one together. If there are any doubts left, that means you will likely not trust eachother fully. Some people are freedom loving, thus will rarely commit to someone. Try not to pressure him. Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 ohso, I went through a 5 year relationship where my ex started out by saying he would marry me one day to "I'm not sure". I had to leave him in the end. I don't know your ex personally and the situation does vary quite a lot from person to person but I've noticed a trend with men and women generally... There is an inbuilt mechanism where men scrutinize their partner in great detail to determine if they are worth including in their future plans (as opposed to women who are more willing to compromise). There is the tendency for men to use the current state of the relationship to determine if a girl is perfect "wife material". In other words, if the relationship isn't ideal right now, and he isn't happy - whether with himself or the relationship, for whatever reason, they will not commit because there is no reason to believe it would get better than it is now. This of course may not be true for the majority of men who do not want to commit - it is just one of my observations. In this case, I'm not sure there is much to do except to wait it out patiently without any pressure or to leave. Usually, the girls end up losing their wits and leaving first, because for any real change to happen in the dynamics of the relationship - YOU would have take real steps to change the way you interact with him. No matter what the outcome, I suggest that you take steps to keep your life fulfilled in other areas so that you have other sources of happiness to draw from outside of your partner to give yourself a support network. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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