My story of surving & breaking away from abuse.

[Tabitha87]

So, I've been reading the threads for a while and never realized how really common my story is, but I figured I'd share anyway.

 

So, I met my most recent ex after a breakup. He was a rebound that basically never ended & lasted nearly 9 years. We also now have 2 kids together.

 

We met through a mutual friend after I had broken up with the guy that I loved (I still love him). I was drinking a lot and trying to forget about the old ex (it didn't work though). Anyhow, a few months later & the new guy and I were dating. We partied all the time & I eventually lost sight of my goals. It wasn't long before I ended up pregnant, although that resulted in a miscarriage. I partied more after, as that was how I coped.

 

By 20, 2 years later, I was pregnant again with my daughter. I stopped all the partying and started to get ready for this little baby (not so little anymore). Over the course of my pregnancy, he left me alone for days (even weeks) on end without so much as a phone call. I was 8 days overdue and he KNEW that I would be having our daughter any day, yet he was too hungover to even show up at the hospital.

 

I saved money while living with my Mom to finally get an apartment in the city and 3 months after she was born, we had moved (although he lived with me since 6 months of dating). That's when everything started from bad to worse.

 

I had money saved in a piggy bank for my daughter (hundreds of dollars) that I had put away from 4 months of saving & I realized that he had stolen ALL of it! I had put money in and instead of hearing it the other change, it hit the ceramic. That's how I figured it out.

 

I broke up with him that night as I was rather hurt and felt completely betrayed. He immediately got defensive but by the end of the night, he'd come back crying saying how sorry he was and that he felt like a huge POS. I believed him and took him back unfortunately.

 

A few months later we decided that our 1 bedroom apartment was getting rather small for the 3 of us and we got a townhouse with a guy friend of mine. My friend had known about my exes lack of motivation during our relationship and said he wasn't going to put up my ex being a sponge. He insisted my ex needed to work or he'd be thrown out (the lease was in my friends name, as well as mine).

 

It wasn't long after moving that I started lying for my ex. He was only paying his portion of rent to my friend and always coming up with excuses to me why he couldn't pay ME. I'd give him the money to pay his part but my friend eventually caught on (over a year later). My friend would always try and tell me to break up with him but I never listened. Being that he was a guy, I wrongly assumed he was telling me to break up with him for alterior motives.

 

I ended up getting tricked by my ex and was pregnant again. He stole my birth control knowing I JUST had it filled and couldn't get more. We had sex and I foolishly believed he had "pulled out", only he didn't. To my surprise, a few weeks later I felt like I was pregnant and sure enough, I was.

 

My friend was so outraged that he decided to move out. He said he couldn't stay, watching idly as I threw my life away. So, I had to get a new co-signer (my Aunt) & got a new roommate (my brother and his gf at the time).

 

Instead of having one person always screw me for rent, all 3 of them did. My Aunt soon had enough of me paying the rent late and forced me to choose.. kick them all out or give up my house. My Mom offered to get me an apartment at her place and I chose to move.

 

My ex was EXTREMELY upset with me. I made the decision without having consulted him first and he was pissed we were going from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. At that point, I told him I was going whether he liked it or not. He could come or not, but that I had to try and salvage the relationship between my Aunt and I.

 

He ended up with me but was very resentful. He'd always been really mean, but it was worse there. He got more angry, he called me all kids of names, he never helped me with the kids, he'd have his friends over all the tim at all hours of the night & he'd even sneak out after I'd fall asleep.

 

A few months after moving, I decided I wasn't happy with my current bank so I had a meeting at a new bank account with a new bank. He knew a few days in advance tgat I wanted him watch the kids and was fine with it, until the day of. He made plans with a friend and now wanted me to take them with me. I said I was gonna be quick and that he'd manage so I left. I came back 45 minutes later. He wasn't even in the apartment at this point and had left the kids alone. He was sitting in his truck and waiting til he'd seen me walking around before he left.

 

The next day I found a letter in my mailbox stating that he had smashed his truck into one of the pillars in the parking garage. I immediately went to the rental office to talk about the letter and the district manager of my building was there, as well as my property manager. The district manager wanted me to promise this would never happen again but I couldn't. I couldn't promise something that I couldn't guarantee. She told me that she had no other choice but to evict me, unless he went there and apologized etc. I left there crying like a little girl. I was so scared of being homeless because I KNEW he wouldn't apologize. I was right & he never did.

 

A few days later I had talked to my step-dad about what was going on. He told me that he'd helpme but I had twochoices. 1. He'd give me first/last months rent for another place but he'd never help me againm or 2. If I went to the shelter, he'd get me a car and help me anyway he could. I opted for #2.

 

I broke up with my ex and told him of my plans. He told me that hewas going to take me to court and take the kids away because I was an unfit parent for wanting to go to a shelter. I called his bluff and got a lawyer. I packed up my place and was waiting for the sheriff's office to come officially evict me (I had to in order to qualify for the shelter). He still lived with me all that time and 2 weeks after his rampage with the truck he'd shoved me into the wall & separated my shoulder. I wasn't talking to him at that point because I was really mad so he had shoved me out of anger, to apparently get my attention.

 

A few days later, I was obviously in pain. I had done a few loads of laundry but didn't put it away because I was sore from having walked up & down the flight of stairs with the baskets of laundry. He couldn't find a particular shirt & asked where it was. I told him in the basket or in the closet because I wasn't sure. He went to the closest (it had a babygate because there was no door) & he ripped the gate off the mounts and whipped me with it. He then told me that if was MY fault for being in the way.

 

2 months later & the sheriff finally came. I thought he'd be going to a friends but then told me that he had no where to go. Of course I stupidly fell for it and felt bad so he ended up coming with me to the shelter (although they put me in a motel).

 

There wasn't really an strict rules, but there was an 11 o'clock curfew. He rarely ever abided by the curfew and so we argued about that a lot because I couldn't afford to get kicked out. I had no where suitable to go. He didn't care though and did as he pleased. 3 months later, I told I had enough. He needed to leave. He did, for a month, but then came back crying how he felt bad & bla bla bla. Again, like a sucker, I believed it. He abided by the curfew for a few weeks but was right back at it again.

 

3 months later I got offered subsidized housing and moved in February of this year. At first, everything seemed okay. He was nicer to me. He tried helping, but by a few weeks I had found out that he'd been talking intimately with another girl. I told him to stop, but he kept on doing it. I finally told him he needed to choose. One or the other. That's it, that's all. He chose me but I never trusted him since.

 

I had surgery on August 26th & was supposed to be on bed rest for at least 2 weeks. I had metal rods put into my leg and ankle to support it because it was causing me a lot of pain since it never healed properly after I broke it at 10 years old. The day following surgery, I woke up to 2 very hungry kids and he was no where to be found. He had taken my car and hung out with friends, 2 days straight. I was very upset & had to get 2 of my friends to stay with me and help me out.

 

A month later I received a ticket in the mail for running a red light. I KNOW 100% it wasn't me. It was dated a week after my surgery & I was very much still in a lot of pain & in bed recovering. I confronted him about it and he blamed it on me. I told him it was impossible because I was in bed & how I was shocked how one single person could be so IRRESPONSIBLE! I tried trusting him yet again only to be disappointed. He told me that "I don't care what you or anyone else thinks of me. This is me, take it or leave it. I have nothing to prove to you or anyone else. And you can take that ticket and shove it up your a**".

 

It was that night I decided I had enough! I told him that this was it. I was done. He disrespected me for the last time! I broke up with him and he took it rather well, until he came back into the room and asked me about the kid's pumpkins, if we could still carve them together. I told him we could make plans to do THAT, but nothing more since he'd have to move out at some point. He lost his mind! He started accusing me of taking his kids away. He said I was a cold hearted b*tch for "throwing" him out. At that point, I didn't care what he said. There was NO changing my mind. I had enough.

 

I tried still being nice and asked him how much time he needed, "What's fair?" I said to which he replied "forget about f*cking fair! Fair wouldn't be throwing me out". I said I was sorry he felt that way but I had made up my mind. This is what I want & need to have a better life, as do my kids. He could scream, shout & pout all he wanted..it was too late for that.

 

It's been over a month and he's still here but I'm hoping he'll be gone by the end of the month. He's been looking at places so that's great news for me! He's been nicer since then, but I'm sure this is only to try and win me back (it's not going to work, not now or ever!).

 

I had surgery again on Wednesday to remove a cyst they found during the first surgery & because they didnt want to "complicate things", they decided to wait until I healed a bit.

 

Proof he still hasn't changed is he hasn't helped at all with the kids even though I'm supposed to be on bed rest yet again. If it weren't for my friends still being here, I'd be screwed and have to do it all myself.

 

So, I'm impatiently waiting for him to finally move out so I can be free off all the anxiety and forever feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I've been pretty happy though, but I know I'll be way happier when he's finally gone!

[bathtub-row]

Tabitha, I haven't had a chance to read your whole story yet but I will as soon as I can. I'm really sorry you have been so hurt. I always recommend a book to people who have been through this because it helps to understand how they think and that it was never your fault. The book is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It was very healing for me.

 

I'm glad you have left that situation. You're on the road to happiness!

[Tabitha87]

Tabitha, I haven't had a chance to read your whole story yet but I will as soon as I can. I'm really sorry you have been so hurt. I always recommend a book to people who have been through this because it helps to understand how they think and that it was never your fault. The book is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It was very healing for me.

 

I'm glad you have left that situation. You're on the road to happiness!

 

Thanks. While I'm on the road to happiness, I'm not fully there yet with him still living with me at this point. I have a hard time being "mean" (always been that way) so I'm having a hard time kicking him out without a place to go. I know that I probably shouldn't care since his actions have proved to me that HE doesn't care when he was going to have all of us homeless, but I'm trying to get him to leave on "good" terms so that he won't be so angry and do something stupid.

 

I think the longer he stays, the less likely that he'll want to leave but I made it clear (MANY times) that he HAD to move out under no uncertain terms. He seems to get it, I think. He's been looking for places and stuff. He made a budget and did some online searches at furniture stores etc. So, hopefully he's gone sooner than later.

 

The part I've been struggling with is was it actually abuse?! My head says of course. But for whatever reason I keep hearing him telling me that it was all in MY HEAD. That I had a distorted perception of everything.

 

Did I really?! My friends & family don't think so. They agree, but then he would always say that's because I only ever said bad things about him (but there wasn't any real good things to say).

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret my desicion. I know it was the right one for my kids & myself as they've begun to follow in his footsteps with the bursts of anger, throwing things, yelling at me, telling me that they don't need to listen to me (they're only 3.5 & 6.5 years old). Just, a part of me wonders did I really make him this way as he claims?! If I did, how do I stop it in possible future relationships?! At what point did I start this and make him a nightmare to be around?! What if I did something different?! What could I have done differently?!

 

I'm trying not to beat myself up over it because my HEAD tells me that any person that wanted to change their ways would find ways to do it, not excuses. He's only made excuses and placed all the blame on me. I told him I was fine with that. I could still live with myself even if that's the case (I know it's not ONLY me to blame). I said I never wanted to be like him, hating the world & myself & that I'm getting close to that point if I had let this relationship go any further. I said I still love myself at this point and needed to get away before I became him & that I truly felt sorry for him & that I was sorry he couldn't have changed when he had plenty opportunities but that I just couldn't help him anymore. I need to help myself. He broke down & cried like a baby but I still felt nothing for him. No empathy, no sympathy.

 

I'm done at this point and will never go back to that place. I don't care what changes he makes. I don't think he'll ever truly change at this point. He's been like this for a LONG time now. I've broken up with before. I've tried talking to him. I've tried to understand him & let him know that I'd help him. Nothing works. If he left to only come in a month, 6 months, 1 year or 5 years, I don't think it'd be long before the manipulation starts again & he's back to old ways. So, he can be someone elses problem now. I could care less. I'd actually be happy if he had someone new to like because he'd leave me alone! Ugh.. one can only hope, right?! Lol

[bathtub-row]

I'll just say that the only truth that ever came out of this idiot's mouth is that he is who he is. And I'll save you the suspense -- abusers DO NOT CHANGE and here's the part that will break your heart -- he enjoys abusing you. He also gets a kick out of how he manipulates you and how you keep buying into it. His heart is black and the only time he will ever appear to have feelings is when it benefits him in some way.

 

I hope you will ask yourself why you would ever give a person another chance to even get within 100 miles of you after beating you with a child's gate. This man is a screw-up in every sense of the word. He is useless, valueless, heartless, and sub-human.

 

These guys all act the same and they all say the same things. He's just another abuser. No one special. Please lose this guy like right now. And if you do nothing else, please do not waste one more drop of your energy feeling sympathy for this jerk. I'm sorry you have spent this much time with him and I hope you'll end that very, very soon.

 

Also, please not believe one single word he says. He has no intentions of leaving. He's just going through the motions to kill time and to get you used to him being there, expecting you to change your mind. I hope you understand that your words mean absolutely nothing to him. You have proved to him in the past that you can be persuaded to fall for his BS and he still believes that's possible. The only way to prove to him that you're serious this time is to either get him out of there immediately, or give him a deadline -- like one week. If he ends up living under the freeway, that's his problem. He gave up all his rights when he hit you. End of story.

[Tabitha87]

The part that messes with me is knowing/thinking that he was conscious of his actions. I can't phathom how people actually do this on purpose. Its mind-boggling. I really just thought that this was something that happened over the course of our relationship because I didn't stand up for myself and he learned to take advantage of that.

 

I just am flabbergasted that people actually do this purposely and get joy out of it. It's sick. It really turns my stomach to think people are that sick.

 

I don't doubt that you're right in anyway. I believe your ideals of how he'll never change. I get it. I don't see it ever changing & when I told him that he said I was "so pessimistic & negative". Again, I know that is just more mind games & trying to make me feel bad.

 

I can say with 100% certainly that although he may want me to change my mind, it's never going to happen. He showed me who he truly was, without question, that day I found out about the ticket. I knew then, without a doubt in my mind, that any sort of feelings I had were dead and gone. I knew that he in no way respected me & never would. I knew that it would only continue and get worse and worse.

 

He's had plenty of chances to smarten up. I've been very patient and tried helping him to pursue any dreams and /or goals he's wanted and he always quits partway through. The last time we broke up, I told him he needed to get his high school diploma. He wrote the GED and it's collected dust ever since. He would only do things to please me when he knew I was fed up and on the verge of walking away.

 

Like I said though, at this point there's no going back. I know he is who he is & I can't change that, nor do I care to anymore. I'm exhausted from trying. It's time I try making my OWN life better!

Edited November 12, 2014 by Tabitha87

[Tabitha87]

There were all kinds of warning signs that I foolishly ignored, now that I actually think of it.

 

- He hated working because it meant that he'd be told what to do & he'd actually have to get up off his a** for once.

 

- He hated ALL of my friends and family. As long as they had a heartbeat, they pretty much made the list. The only people who he got along with is my brother as they're sadly a lot alike.

 

- He rarely ever took me seriously. Everything he did was just to basically shut me up.

 

- He drove my car (& my parents cars before then) with no regard for their car and other cars/people on the road. He had SERIOUS road rage.

 

- He's been caught over 5 times driving his truck unplated and no valid insurance.

 

- He did coke for years, behind my back. I never knew as I've never personally done it so didnt know what to look for. I found this all out in August.

 

- He had been selling it too, behind my back & had it in my house without my knowledge etc. No regard for me, but ESPECIALLY HIS KIDS!

 

- He's been caught numerous times talking intimately with other girls, from very early on.

 

- I was never "allowed" to talk about exes, under ANY circumstances. He would be very upset when I did.

 

- He had no problems taking my money but would never pay ME back. Everyone else he did though.

 

- I very rarely did anything "right". & the things I did "right" were all things he benefitted from.

 

The list is endless, really. He says that I have a distorted perception of everything. I DID have a distorted perception when I believed his crap. I'd say my perception is pretty good right now! & even better now that I've gotten it out and heard from people who have no vested interest in him or I.

 

So, thanks! I appreciate your time and words.

[bathtub-row]

Abusers have one goal and one goal only: to get their "significant other" under their power and control. This is why they criticize your family and friends because they want to isolate you from everyone else. This is why they call you a bad parent and threaten to take the kids away. It's a power play designed to keep you in fear and to keep you where he wants you. And don't take that as a compliment or think it has anything to do with how much he loves you. First of all, that kind of behavior is not love. Secondly, it's not about love for you, it's about love for himself.

 

Once you're isolated from the rest of the world, he becomes your world and escape becomes that much harder. Abusers know this. They get a real high off of having power over at least one person and this person is usually going to be their wife, girlfriend, whatever. If the abuser is a female, she'll do this to her husband, boyfriend, etc. They put on a great act about how they don't care about you, they do everything they can to push you to your limits, tell you about how bad or wrong you are, but they are basically cowards and fear being alone more than anything in the world. Not only that, they're so insecure and mindless, they are geared only toward hurting and controlling others.

 

In that book that I recommended, the author explains the real nature of abusers. He's a psychologist who worked on cases that went to the court where the abuser had either hospitalized or killed their spouse. Because of what these guys did, they were put in jail and ordered by the court to see this psychologist once a week, so the author saw literally thousands of abusers and he drew some very interesting conclusions about them. One thing that I never forgot was how the abuser's attitude about the situation would evolve over time. For instance, one of the abusers beat his wife so badly that she was hospitalized and almost died. The first week he was in jail and in the session with the psychologist, the abuser was highly remorseful about what he did to this woman. He cried, wailed, couldn't believe what he had done, etc. A great show. The next week, he cried a little but his feelings about the whole thing had diminished quite a bit. The following week, he would say something about how he was responsible but so was his wife; the week after that, he was back to acting like a rabid animal, saying that his wife had been asking for it and none of it was his fault.

 

That's all paraphrasing, of course, because it has been years since I've read that book, but that's the gist of it. Basically, when they're caught doing something wrong and have to pay a price for it, abusers are extremely remorseful. The same thing happens when their spouse decides they've had enough and walks away from them. The performance they put on deserves an Oscar. But what the author of the book saw over and over and over and over again was that the remorse does not last. The abusers ALWAYS went back to blaming the victim.

 

The author of that book also points out how abusers never change because they enjoy what they do. This is why I continually say this on this board all the time and I have zero sympathy for abusers. Not only because the author says they don't change, but because I've witnessed it myself. As far as I'm concerned, abusers should be sent to a remote island and dropped off there for eternity. They don't deserve to be part of society.

 

The reason your ex is always talking to other women is because it makes you feel bad (again, it's about control), and he has a back-up victim in case you leave him. Abusers know that they are always in danger of being left because of the way they act. So it's a vicious cycle. They treat their victim badly and then know they're horrible humans and should be left. Knowing they should be left makes them even angrier and the abuse cycle gets worse. There is no winning move with people like this except to remove them from your life without even glancing back. This is not about whether you love this person or not. Love has absolutely nothing to do with it. Love is not a reason to stay with someone like this. Kids are not a reason to stay, either. Anything that the abuser uses to hang over your head or to control you with has to become neutral in your mind or else the control will never end.

 

But do not ever mistake the people for not being dangerous, because they are. They are filled with hate and they care only about themselves. If you have to deal with this idiot for many years because of the kids, then I'd say to make sure that you have as little interaction with him as possible once he's gone. Having kids with him does not mean you have to communicate with him about anything significant. He will make you think that it does, but it doesn't. Do not allow him into your house ever again once he leaves, do not ever act toward him as though you have any feelings whatsoever. That way, he will never question the fact that if your kids ever say they're being abused by him, he will know that you will take action and will not hesitate. As a matter of fact, once he's gone and arrangements are made for him to have visitation, make sure he knows exactly where you stand on this issue. Let him know that if you see so much as a bruise on those kids, you will report him. Saying it before he moves out will not have any impact. Wait until he's gone. Those words will put true fear into his heart.

 

When I left my ex, I bought a house shortly after that. Because we were still legally married, I had an attorney draw up papers that my ex had to sign, absolving any rights he might have to my house. Someone pointed out to me that if my ex still wanted to fight this, he could go to court and make an issue out of it. So, after the closing on the house, I told my ex that I wanted him to listen to me very carefully. What I said to him was, "You have done enough to destroy my life and my son's life. So, I'm telling you now, if you have any thoughts at all about coming after my house and destroying my life in even the smallest way, I promise you that I will make your life a living hell. I will move heaven and earth to destroy you. I will travel the world to find you and I will haunt you until the day you die. And I'm not kidding around." My ex's face actually went white. And, the truth is, I wasn't kidding around at all. I had had enough and I was willing to do whatever it took to ruin him if he ever tried to wreck my life again.

 

My son is not my ex abuser's son, thank God. I did want another child but within a very short time, I knew that I did not want to have kids with him. My ex's words to me one day were very telling, though. He said that he thought that someday when my son was grown, my son would come after him and beat the crap out of him. This told me that my ex knew exactly what a complete ass he had been to me and my son. I told him that my son had better things to do than waste time on him.

 

When I tell you that these men are bad news, I'm not kidding around. I detest them and I hope that you will never, ever let a man like this into your life again. Make a good life for yourself, learn to always be able to make it on your own, and to do well. Getting a degree in nursing is an absolutely wonderful direction to go and I hope you never give up on that idea.

[Tabitha87]

It's just wild to think he knew what he was doing and I became a sucker. I guess that's why he never liked talking about anything to do with past relationships (including his parents, aunts & uncles etc.) The most I ever got out of him was that his father loved his mother but the feeling wasn't mutual so she moved with him and his sister (she's older) to the U.S. His mom later dated an apparent abuser herself who she had another son with and then that guy would apparently beat her really bad & the kids. He said this happened from when he was about 6-14.

 

At 18, he was deported back to Canada because he haad gotten into a lot of trouble (had guns, drugs, domestic dispute). He has another child, who is now 12. I found this all out after I had my daughter because the child's aunt found me on FB & tried to warn me. I chalked it up to them being scorned, but it always played in my head.

 

I tried, unsuccessfully, to get him to be a part of his daughters life. Her Aunt was more than willing to make things work so that they could see eachother but he would never want to compromise. Since he can't go to the U.S., they were willing to come here but wanted him to pay (I think thats more than fair) because he doesn't pay child support & hasn't sent her so much as a Christmas card since she was 2, not to mention that her Aunt would be driving from Maine to Ontario (we live 8 hours away) & then back. She'd have to take time off work, drive 16 hours alone etc. She was very compromising IMO.

 

I know that he didn't want me to move to the apartment he got us evicted from because my mom literally lived right across the haĺl. We both lived in the basement of the building and as soon as I opened my door, I was at hers. I didn't see that right away, but after a few months it clicked from comments he'd make etc.

 

He tried fighting me about going to the shelter because I think he knew that would mean I'd get subsidized housing and NO matter what, I'd never need to rely on him or roommates again. The rent is geared to income so I can always afford it. I think that scared him, that I'd be more independent. Since then, though, he's apologized for giving me a hard time about it, but I think this is because I've never asked him to work/pay rent since being here, so he's been enjoying the free ride. I asked him to go to school to better his life, while living here, but he's never done it or even attempted.

 

Since my friends have moved here, I've felt safer. While he's still had many raging outbursts, there haven't been as many. He says that he now hates my friends because he thinks that they "planted seeds" in my head to make me break up with him, so he hates them on that twisted belief. I told him it was very shallow of him, that I'm my own person and able to make my own choices. They never convinced me to leave him. They simply asked, 2-3 times, if I was really happy. Anyone with a clue could see I wasn't. That's when they said they would stay for as long as I needed them to, so I could be at ease.

 

For years I feel like he's been trying to make me feel as though I needed him more than he needed me. I've known for a long time that this wasn't the case. He needed me. What other sucker would allow him to live in their home for free, not help around the house & with their kids, barely do anything to better themselves, feed them, clothe them etc.?! Not many people. What can he offer me? Nothing. Now, that's not to say that I want the world, but there's gotta be a little give for every take, I think.

 

Maybe this trivial, but I think it tells me what I need to know about where I stand.. but I only got ONE Valentines Day gift (dozen roses) once, & that was simply because it was the day of (2012) & I was very grumpy! He asked why I was so upset & I replied "I HATE this day!". He said, "but you used to LOVE it?!" I said ya, I DID. Now it was just another reminder of all the years that's past & I still haven't gotten a thing from you, ever! Even though I given so much to you! I went & had a shower because I wanted to cry, and he got his friend to watch the kids while he ran to the store & got the roses. That was the first and last time I'd ever got something from him, even though I'd always get HIM something, even if it was his favorite chocolate bar etc. I never got birthday cards, Christmas cards etc, something that shows you're thinking about the person (cards are cheap & so making your own). It was THAT day that it all "clicked" & I decided this wasn't who I wanted to be with anymore.

 

Since then, I've just been thinking of ways to get away from him & finally found a way.. my friends. &, while I know that they won't stay forever, it'll hopefully buy me enough time for him to find someone new and/or I to become completely cold towards him so that he gets the picture.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Tabitha87

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, you'd do yourself a world of good by not focusing so much on all the details of what he has done and the idiotic things he has said. Every word out of his mouth is about lying or manipulating. Every action is about lying and manipulating. Take your focus off of him, realize that he is a complete idiot and he doesn't deserve another second of conversation with you. Learn to eliminate people like this from your life immediately and you'll have way fewer problems. Have a zero-tolerance policy for people who get on your nerves or treat you badly. And this includes your kids. Do not allow them to become like their dad and do not ever allow them to be disrespectful towards you.

 

Every word you utter to your ex, every argument you present to defend yourself and your thoughts is just his way of sucking you back into his world of horrors. This man is nobody. Live your life with him in the past, and get rid of him.

Edited November 12, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Tabitha87]

I was thinking similarly earlier. Yes, it helped to talk about it with someone who is unbiased & knows either of us, I began wondering more and more about things.

 

I don't regret my decision at all, I was more wondering how this is all going to effect me from here on out?! Am I going to be overly paranoid by any guy who I may encounter now? Will I let this happen again (with a new guy of course, not him).

 

I never gave it a second thought, until today. I was maybe in my own little world but I was content knowing I've identified his behavior. I told him I'm done with it , (whether he believes that or not is his issue). & I have been getting myself ready for school (practising Math lol). Then, for whatever reason, all these questions started flooding my head. Maybe it's a normal process. I don't know but I know that I just gotta let it go and keep going on as I have been.

[Raena]

I was thinking similarly earlier. Yes, it helped to talk about it with someone who is unbiased & knows either of us, I began wondering more and more about things.

 

I don't regret my decision at all, I was more wondering how this is all going to effect me from here on out?! Am I going to be overly paranoid by any guy who I may encounter now? Will I let this happen again (with a new guy of course, not him).

 

I never gave it a second thought, until today. I was maybe in my own little world but I was content knowing I've identified his behavior. I told him I'm done with it , (whether he believes that or not is his issue). & I have been getting myself ready for school (practising Math lol). Then, for whatever reason, all these questions started flooding my head. Maybe it's a normal process. I don't know but I know that I just gotta let it go and keep going on as I have been.

 

One thing I've learned after walking away from a toxic relationship is that the first thing you need to do is take care of YOU. I don't mean spoil yourself, I mean, take a good long hard look at who you are, how you react to other people and why it is that you let him continually back into your life after you knew it wasn't good for you. It can be quite painful, but it's what I had to do. I looked at each individual experience I had with him, accepted MY responsibility for it, processed it and then let it go.

 

Then next step is to clearly lay out your boundaries. What do you find to be acceptable versus a deal breaker? You questioned whether or not you'd end up in the same situation again. Well, the only way to make sure that doesn't happen is to figure out what you will and will NOT allow to happen to you in relationships.

 

It doesn't seem like this is something you should be worrying about right now. First things first.... and that's to get him out of your home. Then, get yourself situated emotionally and financially. It sounds like you have good friends to help you and that's a bonus. You aren't going through this alone.

[Radu]

Thanks. While I'm on the road to happiness, I'm not fully there yet with him still living with me at this point. I have a hard time being "mean" (always been that way) so I'm having a hard time kicking him out without a place to go. I know that I probably shouldn't care since his actions have proved to me that HE doesn't care when he was going to have all of us homeless, but I'm trying to get him to leave on "good" terms so that he won't be so angry and do something stupid.

I hate to say this, but you are nowhere near the road to happiness.

 

You had 2 great guys in your life, your stepdad and your guy friend who saw him for what he was, yet you rationalized his behaviour.

 

Happiness for you will come only when he will be gone completely from your life.

 

He still hasn't given up on the idea of manipulating you.

 

I think the longer he stays, the less likely that he'll want to leave but I made it clear (MANY times) that he HAD to move out under no uncertain terms. He seems to get it, I think. He's been looking for places and stuff. He made a budget and did some online searches at furniture stores etc. So, hopefully he's gone sooner than later.

It's a game, he still hasn't given up on manipulating you.

The moment he has to face any responsability he will try to do his old things.

 

Right now, he's stalling.

 

The part I've been struggling with is was it actually abuse?! My head says of course. But for whatever reason I keep hearing him telling me that it was all in MY HEAD. That I had a distorted perception of everything.

It was abuse, i will post later on this.

 

Did I really?! My friends & family don't think so. They agree, but then he would always say that's because I only ever said bad things about him (but there wasn't any real good things to say).

See above.

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret my desicion. I know it was the right one for my kids & myself as they've begun to follow in his footsteps with the bursts of anger, throwing things, yelling at me, telling me that they don't need to listen to me (they're only 3.5 & 6.5 years old). Just, a part of me wonders did I really make him this way as he claims?! If I did, how do I stop it in possible future relationships?! At what point did I start this and make him a nightmare to be around?! What if I did something different?! What could I have done differently?!

Untill he is out of the house, the battle is not over.

 

I'm trying not to beat myself up over it because my HEAD tells me that any person that wanted to change their ways would find ways to do it, not excuses. He's only made excuses and placed all the blame on me. I told him I was fine with that. I could still live with myself even if that's the case (I know it's not ONLY me to blame). I said I never wanted to be like him, hating the world & myself & that I'm getting close to that point if I had let this relationship go any further. I said I still love myself at this point and needed to get away before I became him & that I truly felt sorry for him & that I was sorry he couldn't have changed when he had plenty opportunities but that I just couldn't help him anymore. I need to help myself. He broke down & cried like a baby but I still felt nothing for him. No empathy, no sympathy.

That's because you are out of love for him; it's tapped out.

 

 

I'm done at this point and will never go back to that place. I don't care what changes he makes. I don't think he'll ever truly change at this point. He's been like this for a LONG time now. I've broken up with before. I've tried talking to him. I've tried to understand him & let him know that I'd help him. Nothing works. If he left to only come in a month, 6 months, 1 year or 5 years, I don't think it'd be long before the manipulation starts again & he's back to old ways. So, he can be someone elses problem now. I could care less. I'd actually be happy if he had someone new to like because he'd leave me alone! Ugh.. one can only hope, right?! Lol

He will find someone new if he has to, so far he hasn't needed to.

[Radu]

You go down the street, and you see a car hit another one.

This is the event, the neutral event, 2 cars collided, an accident happened, etc ...

 

Ppl see this event in various lights, and it is usually based on their history, sometimes they force themselves to see it in the light they need to see it, because they do not want to challenge their views of the world, they can't be wrong after all ...

This is like a filter, like a bubble that surrounds us and any event we observe through it is altered by our own bias.

In some ppl the intensity of this bubble is stronger, and we call those ppl leaders, cult leaders, politicians, business men, etc ...

In some other ppl, this bubble's intensity is lower, and these ppl tend to be the followers.

 

When these 2 ppl meet, their relationship is negociated, and generally someone takes a dominant position.

That person tends to be [99% of the time] the one with the stronger intensity, and the 'filter' of the weaker individual tunes itself to the filter of the leader [in situations of extreme variations, extreme self-confidence and extreme lack of self-confidence; otherwise a common filter of the two ppl, a filter of the relationship develops].

That's why cult leaders will want ppl with low self-esteem, with low trust in their own opinions, ppl with low intensities of their bubble.

Incidently this is why every abuser needs an enabler, someone who can 'take it', someone who is 'fertile ground' for their dysfunction.

 

Over time your perception of reality, your 'filter' has been altered and instead of becoming the 'relationship filter' [a mesh of the two filters of the ppl involved] it has become 'his filter'.

This is why you have a hard time of reconciling everything.

You remember that it was different because you stopped needing to love [love is a form of hypnosis btw], and now in your quest, in this thread you are trying to reconcile everything.

 

He will continue to try to bring you in, but he will stop trying it when he realizes that the only relationship you two might have will be one in which he will have to come over and meet you half way.

With someone like him a situation of win:win is not atenable because it is one where he loses something, where he doesn't win all that he should win, all that he is entitled to.

Any situation he will accept will have to be a net lose for you and a net win for him.

 

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It was definitely abuse.

 

Blameshifting is a tactic often used by those who abuse ... 'you made me do this'.

 

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As for change, it will not happen.

 

Ppl don't change on a whim, they have to really want it, to really desire it.

To see no other way but to change ... look at yourself, do you change now for yourself or because you want something better for your kids and a future where you will continue down this path seems unbearable ?

That is what drives your need for change ... but what drives his ?

Nothing.

 

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You are a doormat, you are someone with low self-esteem, you still make excuses for him, and it's pretty obvious that you do.

The fact that it took you 2 kids and how many yrs ?, to decide to move on is a function of how low your self-esteem is/was.

 

A good rule of thumb is that the lower the self-esteem of someone is, the longer that person will stay with an abuser.

If you stay more than 15yrs with one, the chances are that the abuser will leave instead of the victim.

 

As an example, one of Madonna's lovers who was high self-esteem stayed with her for a total of 2 weeks [she's very dominating and somewhat abusive ... in other ways].

While there are examples on this board of men and women who have endured decades of abuse and you can see in their posting how little respect for themselves they have [if you don't respect yourself ... who will ?].

Edited November 16, 2014 by Radu