Divorce is on my door step

[Scott0310]

So it has been quite a few months since I’ve been on here to talk and “vent” and look for help.

To give a brief summary of my past: Been married over 9 years, together for over 10. Last January just after the New Year my wife told me she wanted out; D-Day. The events and history which led up to this are pretty important and way too much to go over here. Needless to say, it was a majority of my fault in the way I perhaps treated her. I never knew the impact some of my actions would have on her, and when we would argue I would try to pry it out, “Talk to me, just say something other than ‘what’ever’ or ‘I’m fine”. Tell me whats wrong! I guess for some time she felt as though I was putting her down, making her fell less of herself, things I never intended nor wanted.

 

 

 

I have tried to make amends with both myself and my family. I have had far fewer anger outbursts (I’m not violet but do tend to yell for a few moments) and I have learned to listen and just to be there. I’ve gotten back intouch with the “romantic” part of me which caused her to fall in love with me in the first place, being unexpected with gifts, supporting her in her diet and exercise. Over the course of the months following D-day, we’ve still had some ups and downs, some which included anger. More so were trying to explain myself and seeking a second chance. You see the 180 cant really be done in my case, at least not fully.

I am in the military stationed in the UK for at least the next few years. A divorce means I lose her, and I lose my kids as they would most likely return to California. And before anyone chimes in, with my job it would be next to impossible to keep the kids here, I say that because for example, an emergency happened at work and I had to report with’in the hour. Good luck finding child care that soon, and for at least 12 hours? I frequently have to leave home for trips which may last only a few days, to well over a month. While I am on orders to be here in the UK, a divorce would amend my wife from my orders, so she would have no legal right to be here. She has tried to find work, nothing, so she has stayed in the house with me although we both sleep in separate rooms.

 

 

About two weekends ago, right before Halloween for us Americans, she said she wants a divorce. The time of separation and trying to give her time was over. For month I tried to give her space, only for her to be-friend me and want to hang out, but would get mad if maybe one time I wasn’t in the best of moods. She has gotten to the point of picking things apart to continue her hate for me so she wouldn’t want to stay married. I spent over £1200 for a 3 night hotel for our Anniversary which she took a girlfriend (and yes that is the truth, no other guys), the whole time she felt like I was going to be mad at her when she returned. Nope. I’ve done other things for her and allowed her to do for which she thought I’d get mad…nope.

 

 

 

Here is my current problem, I have stopped talking to her as she wished (kinda), I try to interact with her as little as possible, even car trips, total silence from my side. I don’t help her with anything, and I leave her to her devices. Doing the best NC I can do given the circumstances. For once, she doesn’t think I’m being a jerk. Normally when I am nonchalant about things, she thinks I’m miserable, and being a jerk, usually I’m just fine, absolutely nothing wrong, but because I’m not acting all happy, she thinks I’m mad. I want to send her out of the house, but she has nowhere to go, maybe a mate of hers (same gal from the hotel stay), but she would be here often taking care of the kids when I go to work at night, so whats the point? She cant afford to live on her own unless I somehow help sign the documents and help financially. My last option is to send her back to the states, where I’m confident she’ll hook up with, or start seeing an old boyfriend. But I’ll still lose my kids, and they are in a great UK school, and much further ahead in their studies then their American school friends.

How have you guys coped with this conundrum? I want so bad to make things work, but she doesn’t and I cant have her around me with our lives like this.

 

 

 

She isn’t doing anything wrong, and neither am I, I am just miserable having her in the next room knowing I cant have her. Her laugh makes me smile, her smell turns me on, and when we are together, I just love life. Now I know there is life after divorce, but and there are things to occupy your time.

 

 

 

I am just not in the same spot she is, she’s felt this way for some time, while I am still in the early stages of letting go, how can she not see the progress I am making, or if she is, how can she just not care? Do I help her with a place, but then this ruins the 180 rule, should I ask her (kinda our) friend if she can stay there? Every time she says she just needs time, she makes it sound as if she just needs time alone, away from me to cool off. I've even tried to deploy for 6 months, but I was unable.