How can I stop being so boring and average with conversations?

[X14Halo]

I'm the type of guy that is horrible at expressing myself through words, but great at doing nice actions and gestures to make people feel good. Every relationship I've had, I've been told that I am perfect, too nice, too kind, etc...I have never fought with somebody I was dating. Things always go great. I'm not ugly. But the girl always ends it, and I think the reason is that they like me a lot, but they are not "in love" with me and they realize i'm not "the one." I feel that perhaps I am just too boring when it comes to conversations.

 

I don't need any help with my life as I am in a good place, and I simply like to sit back and enjoy the little things in life and make people feel happy. But the depth of my conversations gets less and less with each passing week of me dating somebody and I think this is a major reason why girls leave me. A girl I was recently dating and laying in bed with said "tell me a story"...i couldn't even think of one...I just enjoyed laying there with her. Then she asked "what are some things you like about me?"...so i started listing off generic things like, oh..i like your smile, your laugh, your passion...etc. It killed me because I liked her more than anything but I suck at expressing myself through words. How can I get over this or fix it? I'm so afraid that my next relationship will go down the same road.

[Got it]

Do you have other interests outside of the girl? That is a big piece, that people have their own lives, passions, etc. and don't give up everything when they are interested in someone.

[X14Halo]

Honestly it's even the same with close friends and coworkers. I just find that I'm not witty at all, and I am not funny. I watch everybody else talk and it just seems so effortless and they make each other laugh. Then I come by and it's like ok...serious face...how was your week? really? cool. here's what I did. ok bye. If I was in a relationship with myself I'd be bored. Spoiled and happy, but bored.

 

Sure I have hobbies...surfing, which I did with my ex. i play the drums, which I admit I do not play around other people...just by myself. Other than that I just like watching TV, eating out at restaurants with people and exploring new places with people.

 

It's always easy for me in the beginning of a relationship because it is a completely new person to get to know and to learn about. I ask tons of questions, and I have lots to talk about my life. It's just that I run out of things to talk about and ask about after the first few weeks and I just like spending time with them. But for most people that is not enough, and I understand that.

Edited November 11, 2014 by X14Halo

[Leegh]

I don't know, but possibly you could ask the girls that you date a lot of questions about themselves, in other words, it could help to put the focus on them (in a nice way), and they would have to think of things to talk about. You could just ask them general questions, such as do they have any siblings, where did they go to school, etc. and other basic questions.

[Got it]

Honestly it's even the same with close friends and coworkers. I just find that I'm not witty at all, and I am not funny. I watch everybody else talk and it just seems so effortless and they make each other laugh. Then I come by and it's like ok...serious face...how was your week? really? cool. here's what I did. ok bye. If I was in a relationship with myself I'd be bored. Spoiled and happy, but bored.

 

Sure I have hobbies...surfing, which I did with my ex. i play the drums, which I admit I do not play around other people...just by myself. Other than that I just like watching TV, eating out at restaurants with people and exploring new places with people.

 

It's always easy for me in the beginning of a relationship because it is a completely new person to get to know and to learn about. I ask tons of questions, and I have lots to talk about my life. It's just that I run out of things to talk about and ask about after the first few weeks and I just like spending time with them. But for most people that is not enough, and I understand that.

 

World events? Other interests? Weather? Do you care about them, their issues, etc? TV shows?

 

When you start dating someone, start something new with them. You two learn a hobby which conversation can grow from.

[OwMyEyeball]

My default answer to these kinds of questions is "find a therapist" because it's really tough to offer advice without putting your life into a broader context. This is arrived at quicker and more accurately through direct interaction with a professional.

 

Advice will differ depending on if your temperament is simply a natural expression of your self, or if it's been altered by impacting events - typically experienced either during childhood and/or by traumatic events later on in life.

 

The connection you're finding yourself having difficulty making could be the result of a "blockage" that is there, yet needs to be discovered and "removed". Some people arrive at this realization on their own, but it can be gotten to more directly with guidance and active support. The risk - there's risk in anything - is that you receive poor guidance.

 

Generic advice would be as another poster suggested - explore new hobbies and activities. One might really resonate with you and allow for a deeper connection with the creative, non-thinking part of your mind. It's from that "section" people derive the wit and authenticity you see in their interactions. Sometimes you don't have to go looking for the blockage - just need to make a path around it.

[BluEyeL]

In general, people think you are a great conversationalist if you make them talk about themselves and you listen more. So the secret is to think of THEIR interests and ask them about it. You have to have a few opinions yourself, but always turn it back to them.

[d0nnivain]

Read a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People.

[Davey L]

In general, people think you are a great conversationalist if you make them talk about themselves and you listen more. So the secret is to think of THEIR interests and ask them about it. You have to have a few opinions yourself, but always turn it back to them.

 

I agree. I also used to be a poor conversationalist so instead i used to encourage the girl to talk just making the occasional comment or asking a question to prompt them to continue and to show an interest in what they were saying.

 

I've since learned that women actually like being listened to and get fed up with guys that talk too much. So I still don't say much.

[Kav]

You have to be interested in other people in order to be interesting.

You can't fake it you have to really be interested. Try being curious about why people do things. I never run out of questions for people-they fascinate me.

[X14Halo]

You have to be interested in other people in order to be interesting.

You can't fake it you have to really be interested. Try being curious about why people do things. I never run out of questions for people-they fascinate me.

 

You know, you are right. When people ask questions to me I am super happy to talk about myself and now I realize that other people are the same way. I probably messed up my prior relationship by not being interested enough in her and getting to know everything about her. That is why the first month went so well...I just kept asking her questions about her past. It hurts so bad to know I can't go back in time and fix things, but I will use this as a learning experience.

[MissBee]

I'm the type of guy that is horrible at expressing myself through words, but great at doing nice actions and gestures to make people feel good. Every relationship I've had, I've been told that I am perfect, too nice, too kind, etc...I have never fought with somebody I was dating. Things always go great. I'm not ugly. But the girl always ends it, and I think the reason is that they like me a lot, but they are not "in love" with me and they realize i'm not "the one." I feel that perhaps I am just too boring when it comes to conversations.

 

I don't need any help with my life as I am in a good place, and I simply like to sit back and enjoy the little things in life and make people feel happy. But the depth of my conversations gets less and less with each passing week of me dating somebody and I think this is a major reason why girls leave me. A girl I was recently dating and laying in bed with said "tell me a story"...i couldn't even think of one...I just enjoyed laying there with her. Then she asked "what are some things you like about me?"...so i started listing off generic things like, oh..i like your smile, your laugh, your passion...etc. It killed me because I liked her more than anything but I suck at expressing myself through words. How can I get over this or fix it? I'm so afraid that my next relationship will go down the same road.

 

Do you have thoughts about any particular subjects/issues in the world? Any interests you're passionate about?

 

You sound like my ex in some ways. He was a very nice guy. He treated me well. He was affectionate and caring etc. but I was mindlessly bored with our interactions. When we weren't engaged in a specific activity I found that he simply was not very interesting and didn't seem to have many thoughts about the world, issues, intellectual curiosity, nothing. Our conversations were mindlessly mundane and everyday he would text me saying the same things. What made it worse was that I was out of the country for the summer and since we had to communicate primarily through Skype and such (and there was no other activity to distract us) it made it more and more apparent how much he had nothing to say about anything or even ask me.

 

It was especially horrible for me as I'm a very cerebral person who thinks a lot and talks a lot and has a lot of ideas and opinions, crap that's what I do for a living, so to be with someone not in the least stimulating in terms of conversation was very hard for me. I broke it off with him as it was also hard for me to fall in love with him as I tend to fall in love when someone has depth, where I want to know more, where they challenge me and stimulate me and all that. With the ex, like you, he thought never debating or disagreeing was a good quality, it isn't. We don't need to fight but to be with someone who never has any opinions or where once you start to debate they just concede and give in...it was very unattractive.

 

However, I don't think it was anything he could really change. I just felt he needed to date less cerebral women as his ex in fact broke up with him for similar reasons he later confessed. Some women don't care about having interesting conversations (though most do) so that might be an option.

[Kav]

You know, you are right. When people ask questions to me I am super happy to talk about myself and now I realize that other people are the same way. I probably messed up my prior relationship by not being interested enough in her and getting to know everything about her. That is why the first month went so well...I just kept asking her questions about her past. It hurts so bad to know I can't go back in time and fix things, but I will use this as a learning experience.

Become an observer of human nature-pretend you're an alien. It's a fascinating hobby. People that observe animal behaviour can't ask questions-you can.

[X14Halo]

You sound like my ex in some ways. He was a very nice guy. He treated me well. He was affectionate and caring etc. but I was mindlessly bored with our interactions. When we weren't engaged in a specific activity I found that he simply was not very interesting and didn't seem to have many thoughts about the world, issues, intellectual curiosity, nothing. Our conversations were mindlessly mundane and everyday he would text me saying the same things. I broke it off with him as it was also hard for me to fall in love with him as I tend to fall in love when someone has depth, where I want to know more, where they challenge me and stimulate me and all that. With the ex, like you, he thought never debating or disagreeing was a good quality, it isn't. We don't need to fight but to be with someone who never has any opinions or where once you start to debate they just concede and give in...it was very unattractive.

 

This hit me really hard. It kills me to think that this could be me. I DO debate, disagree, and speak my mind with friends...but I realize that I was so set on making her happy that I never did these things. I was always agreeing with her and was too afraid of causing drama or making her upset by disagreeing with something. I can totally see why she might have been getting bored. I was not comfortable just being myself and I put her on such a high pedestal since I didn't want to lose her. I was happy with just sitting there cuddling her or holding her hand instead of coming up with interesting topics to talk about or challenging her thoughts on something. All I will say is, if you have a partner like this, please talk to them about it and tell them to just be themselves and have their own thoughts. Sometimes its hard to snap out of it like in my own experience, until you are told.

Edited November 11, 2014 by X14Halo

[todreaminblue]

the onus shouldnt be on one person to make a conversation......normally when people speak you have a listener and a talker.....if you have two talkers ....nothing gets said or understood really ...becomes a compettition...two listeners.....and you have a very deep and meaningful silence...lol.....in a really good conversation you have two people who do both.....both listen and speak....if you are a good conversationalist you are watching and hearing cues......if the other person struggles you pick them up and help them continue the conversation...all there needs to be is a willingness to continue......

 

if a conversation is boring you adapt it.......you talk about something you know the other person is interested in and go from there....if that dies off you open another conversation about something that is mutually interesting to both......or ...you ask that person how they are feeling today....maybe they are having an off day and are actually needing to discuss that....a good conversationalist brings out the best in the other person......a good conversationalist istn afraid of silence......or finds it awkward ...you learn alot when someone is silent......if you actually care......

 

if someone finds you boring.......its actually in them and not a reflection of your capabilities to hold a conversation......if you truly love someone....there silence is as special as the words they say...find that woman who knows that to be true....deb