Mild codependency?

[lostwhoiam]

So I've been struggling over the last six months to try and work out what's been wrong. There were a few relationship issues I'd had for years that I didn't consider to be a major problem - i.e. I don't have any 'drama' in my relationships, they are always long and stable, we never argue, I don't jump from relationship to relationship and I'm fine being on my own/comfortable being single etc.

 

But then this summer I had a proper breakdown and, although I was in a very vulnerable place when I met him - which didn't help, part of it was having what, for me, was a very confusing 3 dates with a guy I met (who happened to be the first guy I'd met that I was attracted to for eight years...explanation ensuing...) It was a very dramatic breakdown and throughout it I was struggling to understand what exactly I was upset about.

 

So basically, my pattern looks a bit like this:

- I know I'm attractive and loveable (no problems there)

- I tend to pity people and feel overly responsible for their happiness, so often enter relationships or stay in relationships entirely out of guilt

- I've read that codependents often confuse love for pity, but to be honest I rarely actually feel any passion at all for my boyfriends and am simply there to make sure they're ok

- I tend to want to leave - pretty strongly - because I don't fancy them/love them/don't want to be with them, but I'm scared that they will hurt themselves if I leave, so I just try not to think about it (and if I do think about it, sometimes I pass out...it's THAT stressful). It depends on how weak they seem. If they have friends and family who support them, I can leave. If they're actually abusive in any way, I can leave. If they are completely isolated but totally benign - like a lost puppy - I can't leave them because I feel like they don't deserve it

- Sometimes I hope boyfriends will lose interest, or will do something badly wrong, so I can go

- I have such a strong sense of guilt that if I have casual sex with someone I HAVE to tell them upfront (before sex) so that I don't have to feel guilty about 'tricking' them into having sex with me (I worry a lot that people will have more feelings than I do)

- I don't seem to have the 'proximity' thing. I like being relatively close (emotionally), but I wouldn't want someone around me all the time because I feel like I'd miss out on the rest of my life. I'd strongly resent someone who held me back and I get very angry if I'm told what to do or controlled in any way (including emotional manipulation), because they're taking away my independence

- I tend to spend time in relationships trying to persuade the other person to be more independent to take the pressure off me

- I am NOT attracted to overly emotional people, addicts, or people with bad problems (which is why I wonder if this is mild codependency) I am strongly put off by strong emotions, in fact.

- I tend to feel passion/chemistry only for people who are happy, positive, independent, adventurous etc. - i.e. the exact opposite of the people I get trapped with...

 

What this has led me to do is completely surrender all of my needs for love and sex etc. This is partly because I stick around to rescue the lost puppies rather than seeking what I want (passion), but it's also because I don't think what I want exists (I'm convinced that I 'just don't fancy people' - or if I do, it's like once a decade). When I do fancy people, it's the first thing I've had 'just for me' for YEARS and it will become overly important to me. I start getting anxious and clingy if they don't seem as interested as I thought they were and I'm devastated if it doesn't work out (because I believe strongly that I don't fancy most people and won't get another chance for years). I consider myself to be strongly independent and 'un-needy' (so it was really shocking how needy I felt earlier this year - devastatingly needy and in horrendous pain), and in the past I've had trouble asking anyone for support because I want to feel that I've done it myself. I tend to solve my own problems and feel better that way - I like to feel empowered.

 

So I want to change the bad bits and even before I discovered the 'label' I'd worked most of it out. I stopped feeling responsible for other people and started living by two basic rules:

1) I'm not responsible for anyone else's behaviour or feelings. I am responsible for treating people in a courteous and sensitive manner, but I do not need to go the extra mile

2) I will expect everyone to live up to the same standards I expect myself to live up to

 

I now have two issues left to address:

- When I expect people to live up to the same standards I hold myself to, I get angry when they fail to do so because I feel like they are being disrespectful (which, to be honest, they are, but I'd rather just walk away then get angry - which is what I do in platonic relationships)

- I still don't fancy anyone, and forcing myself to 'get out there' and put myself on a dating site has frankly made this perception worse, because now I have a page of hundreds of single men, and hundreds of messages from single men, none of whom I have the faintest curiosity about because they are just not good-looking enough (to me, although eye of the beholder etc). I have never replied to a message because I don't want to lead them on. HOWEVER, I know that the thought 'I'm not compatible with many people' (i.e. feeling like you have very few options) leads to unhealthy choices and actions. So I'm a bit perplexed about what to do about it - I mean, I can't force myself to like people...

 

So....any ideas by any chance on how I can change those issues?

 

Sorry for long post, thought it best to explain what the issue actually is rather than let people jump to conclusions from the label.

[OwMyEyeball]

I don't really see any issue.

 

You're well grounded in yourself, understand your flaws but also embrace your strengths. You've gained wisdom into your habits and are in the process of changing them.

 

You've set standards and marked out your boundaries.

 

One thing I will say is do NOT take the online dating population as a cross-section of available men. It is not representative of the population.

 

The type of man you seek - attractive, happy, passionate, independent and adventurous is rarely going to end up on that type of service. Why would he other than for sex? Possibly if he's new in town. Someone who is sociable and engaged in the world (i.e. adventurous!) with a thirst for life is going to meet like-minded people and share in his life with them - outside in the "real" world.

 

You've set a high standard, which is great because as you've learned, you'd rather be single than in passionless, extracting relationships (you give, they take). You can live just fine being single. But like just about anyone else you seek romance and companionship.

 

Attractive, happy, passionate and adventurous people seek their own. Live your life in a way that fosters the qualities and values you cherish. Follow your passions. Get "out there" in the world without expectations to meet someone. Do what you enjoy and interact with those who share in your attitude. Continuing education classes, art courses, MeetUp groups for whatever activities you genuinely enjoy, volunteering for causes you believe in, continuing to pursue the career path that resonates with your wills & wants, travel, join social and co-ed sports clubs, etc. Doing what makes you happy ... well, makes you happy Happy people attract happy people.

 

Cliche advice, but it keeps coming around because it works. You don't find a lot of people streaming onto the Internet to proclaim this because more often than not they're out and about enjoying themselves. You might ask "Well then what are you doing here then, Mr. Wonderful Life?" and I'm starting to ask myself that question more and more. But that's me.

 

It sounds like you're doing just fine.

 

The only other advice I have is: patience.

[lostwhoiam]

I don't really see any issue.

 

You're well grounded in yourself, understand your flaws but also embrace your strengths. You've gained wisdom into your habits and are in the process of changing them.

 

You've set standards and marked out your boundaries.

 

One thing I will say is do NOT take the online dating population as a cross-section of available men. It is not representative of the population.

 

The type of man you seek - attractive, happy, passionate, independent and adventurous is rarely going to end up on that type of service. Why would he other than for sex? Possibly if he's new in town. Someone who is sociable and engaged in the world (i.e. adventurous!) with a thirst for life is going to meet like-minded people and share in his life with them - outside in the "real" world.

 

You've set a high standard, which is great because as you've learned, you'd rather be single than in passionless, extracting relationships (you give, they take). You can live just fine being single. But like just about anyone else you seek romance and companionship.

 

Attractive, happy, passionate and adventurous people seek their own. Live your life in a way that fosters the qualities and values you cherish. Follow your passions. Get "out there" in the world without expectations to meet someone. Do what you enjoy and interact with those who share in your attitude. Continuing education classes, art courses, MeetUp groups for whatever activities you genuinely enjoy, volunteering for causes you believe in, continuing to pursue the career path that resonates with your wills & wants, travel, join social and co-ed sports clubs, etc. Doing what makes you happy ... well, makes you happy Happy people attract happy people.

 

Cliche advice, but it keeps coming around because it works. You don't find a lot of people streaming onto the Internet to proclaim this because more often than not they're out and about enjoying themselves. You might ask "Well then what are you doing here then, Mr. Wonderful Life?" and I'm starting to ask myself that question more and more. But that's me.

 

It sounds like you're doing just fine.

 

The only other advice I have is: patience.

 

Thanks That's actually really, really helpful. I have a history of mental health disorders going back to when I was a kid, although I'm recovered now, and I think it scares me a lot if I come up against what looks like a new 'problem' - like what happened this summer. It really was incredibly extreme, I felt completely obsessed, and that was terrifying for me because it didn't make sense. I was just so confused and I think very scared that there must be something horribly wrong with me because it was way outside of healthy. It also felt like a brand new problem because I'd never had any problems dating before and I'm in my late 20s. I think this might be oversensitivity to the idea of 'normal'. I always believed I could get better and could be 'normal' and healthy and having thought I'd reached that point to have something appear to prove that I was not normal really messed me up.

 

But I've just reread my post and I do actually agree with you. It doesn't seem that bad once it's written down. I tortured myself reading attachment styles to work out 'what was wrong with me' and related most to the secure style, but couldn't shake the anxiety that I must be 'damaged' in some way. Just anxiety over those things, I reckon, didn't want to have somehow undone years of hard work!

 

It's also reassuring what your advice is because that was my first port of call after the breakdown. I realised I did none of the things I loved and that my life felt completely empty pre-breakdown. So I joined MeetUp groups, started going climbing, hiking, caving; I'm in the process of filming some of my work (I'm a comedy writer); I'm focusing on my band; I'm learning to swim; I got a flatmate (previously lived alone); I started travelling (alone, previously I was put off by the fact none of my friends wanted to go with me, but I just thought I'd see how I like it and as it turns out I love travelling alone). So my life is extremely full now and very busy. I haven't noticed anyone I like around in the real world, but I'm not feeling massively impatient right now. I think I just want to believe I eventually will meet someone I like. One of the biggest problems I had after my exceedingly embarrassing breakdown was the fear that maybe I am actually just too damaged for love, but the more I look at the evidence, the more I think I might be overplaying that a bit. I kept feeling hurt when friends met new people and were excited - I thought, maybe I can't have that.

 

Yes. Thank you. That was just what I needed to calm me down. I'm on the right path, doing the right things. Your reply was very reassuring. Sorry for how much I write!

[OwMyEyeball]

Glad I could help. Your story resonates strongly with me and my own experiences with mental health.

 

As wonderful as an inquisitive mind may be, it can really wreak havoc when turned in on itself with the question "What is wrong with me?!?".

 

Your username offers a much better question:

 

"Who am I?"

 

Spirituality is one path you could explore. I always held that option in disdain out of my own ignorance. I saw spirituality as belonging to the same house as religion, which in turn had me mistakenly link it to dogma, ritual and control. I'm now learning otherwise and reaping the benefits.

 

Since you have some time for adventure I recommend a Vipassana meditation course. There are centers worldwide that offer the "introductory" 10-day course. Volunteer based and run on donation.

 

However which way you go I believe you'll do just fine.