WS'S Actions and Personality During a Reconciliation - What is normal and what is not

[jm2013]

If you're going through a reconciliation how has your WS acted during this entire process? Have you observed an attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back? Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? This was a question I thought would be interesting to ask the community to see what is typical of a WS who is trying to reconcile their marriage.

[SawtoothMars]

If you're going through a reconciliation how has your WS acted during this entire process? Have you observed an attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back? Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? This was a question I thought would be interesting to ask the community to see what is typical of a WS who is trying to reconcile their marriage.

 

This is your big fear isn't it? That you ultimately cannot trust the changes she has made?

 

My xWife put on a big show of changing after dDay. I think this is common, because my leaving would have destroyed her entire lifestyle. After divorce, she was free to pursue the other man... and it turned out he wasn't very much of a BF or even lover. She dumped him after about a year and has been single for the last 4. I know because she used my credit card "by accident" to pay for Eharmony last month.

[gettingstronger]

Not really- at first my husband was just too needy and clingy- not anything sustainable or even attractive- just kind of desperate- we talked about it and I know he was relieved- its been 2 years post dday and our day to day has settled in to something more "normal" for us- are we fully reconciled- no, are we more comfortable with who/what we are- yes-

 

PS- he is far less moody than he has been in years but I think that has to do with therapy and addressing some FOO issues-

[EverySunset]

I just wrote a novel and erased it.

 

Because it turns out... All his efforts, his grand show of togetherness, his emphatic professions of love for me inside and out of our house amounted to absolutely nothing when I realized he kept his OW strung along in case I didn't forgive him. Funny thing is, that was a big part of why I ended up not forgiving him in the end. So a self prophecy.

 

Sorry I'm not much help. My big fake R was a silly little mess and I look back on it and ask myself why... Why... Why...

[TrustedthenBusted]

Archie Bunker said it best.

 

"You can quit running after you catch the bus."

 

I belive he said it in reference to getting married and not putti g in all the effort of courting but i th8nk it applies here as well. Once my wife felt like the affair was in the past, a lot of her "campaign promises" started failing. No deal breakers, but still...

 

I think its pretty natural.

[merrmeade]

If you're going through a reconciliation how has your WS acted during this entire process? Have you observed an attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back? Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? This was a question I thought would be interesting to ask the community to see what is typical of a WS who is trying to reconcile their marriage.

Still trying to reconcile 2-1/2 years out from d-day more because of appearances if everybody were completely honest.

 

Been in MC for a fwe months only because there was a lot of traveling in between.

 

Attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back?

 

Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? YES, definitely noticed this lately. Not that I think he will ever cheat on me again; I absolutely do not think that will happen again.

 

BUT that's not the point or enough. And the problems that were there before are still there. We're in MC but it's slow and I think he's already figured out how to hoodwink the sessions. For example, at the last one I felt pretty despondent because I realized that he now takes me for granted. He thinks he did his time, showed his remorse and told his story. The day to day grind is back to his terms. He's starting to lose compassion when I'm hurting, as if it was a show and not necessary now. He cries at MC about how he "shows" his love through work and action and doesn't have the ability fo communicate his thoughts and feelings, but I'm suspicious of it since he never does at home. (Guess I should be bringing that up there....) IOW, he's getting more and more like before, selfish, judgmental and uncompromising. The humility and sincerety he evinced post d-Day has slowly been replaced by his the old profille and we're more like roommates with benefits (some) but no real sharing. In a word, I'm not satisfied

[Raena]

If you're going through a reconciliation how has your WS acted during this entire process? Have you observed an attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back? Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? This was a question I thought would be interesting to ask the community to see what is typical of a WS who is trying to reconcile their marriage.

 

Yes, there was certainly a reversion back to the way things were before the first d-day. In the end, he ended up cheating on me again, at exactly the same time of year that he did it the first time. I've begun to think that October is just really not my month. The truth is though, we didn't really process his first infidelity, or all the other crap that happened before that one too. He is a rug sweeper to the core. He did his boo hooing to convince me to take him back, made some changes that were pretty drastic (quit drinking/doing drugs) but in the end he went right back to the same behaviors that always worked for him.... lie, cheat, ignore my needs, treat me as if my opinions didn't matter, and then use my response to being treated like crap as an excuse to cheat again.

[fellini]

As the LS saying goes the WS has to do "all the heavy lifting".

Has to "read the post pinned at the top of the page" and read it carefully, then "read it again" until it sinks in.

 

Now we have this thread that asks if we observer our WS's "putting on a show". The very show we demanded they had to put on or move on.

 

How is a WS supposed to "act natural" AND "do the heavy lifting"?

 

It seems to me as soon as you ask anyone, anywhere, at anytime to do something specifically for YOU, to end YOUR PAIN (as if anyone can end my pain!) then you had best be understanding that this person is not behaving naturally. Any more than they were conducting an affair over a period of time somewhere in a 20 year marriage.

 

Faking it is a different question indeed. Is my WS "faking it". But that's not what this thread suggests is it?

 

I think if a BS is going to try to turn a reconciling remorseful WS into something, the BS has to own that something. To then turn around and say "look, you were not being natural with me jumping through my hoops", then maybe the person who really isn't ready for reconciliation, or is having their doubts, is in fact the BS, not the WS.

 

When the BS acts "normal" and isn't holding a noose over the WS's head, then he can fairly ask that question: Is this my "beautiful wife"?

[Friskyone4u]

Very general question so everyone will have a different experience. Seems like you are hopeful that after R everything will go back to blissful marriage and that none of the same problems as will be there..

The question for you. How confident are you the affair did not go underground. Do not use the fact that she is giving you a lot of sex as a reason to comfort yourself if that is what is occuring.

What is she doing to make you feel safe. Is she being totally transparent or is she still demanding privacy . If any of her friends helped or facilitated the affair are they still around .

The point being is that her main focusnin life should be in trying to help you heal and help herself take actions to avoid this happening again. Only you can determine if she is doing enough or trying to rug sweep.

Your marriage will never be exactly the same and beware of too much complacency. The next D Day will not be easier but harder

[jm2013]

This is your big fear isn't it? That you ultimately cannot trust the changes she has made?

 

My xWife put on a big show of changing after dDay. I think this is common, because my leaving would have destroyed her entire lifestyle. After divorce, she was free to pursue the other man... and it turned out he wasn't very much of a BF or even lover. She dumped him after about a year and has been single for the last 4. I know because she used my credit card "by accident" to pay for Eharmony last month.

 

It's not that it is a fear so to speak. But yes, it is in the back of my head. I'm sure it is in the back of many BS's heads. You stick it out and go through all the pain that goes through it and the recycling in hopes it will one day feel better. Then if your spouse goes on to do it again or remains in contact that has to be an extremely defeated feeling. Sorry to hear it did not work out for you. I hope you're at a sense of peace now. Why is she still using your credit card? Joint card you forgot about?

 

Not really- at first my husband was just too needy and clingy- not anything sustainable or even attractive- just kind of desperate- we talked about it and I know he was relieved- its been 2 years post dday and our day to day has settled in to something more "normal" for us- are we fully reconciled- no, are we more comfortable with who/what we are- yes-

 

PS- he is far less moody than he has been in years but I think that has to do with therapy and addressing some FOO issues-

 

I'm glad things are working out for you! Was going into the second year easier for you than the first?

 

I just wrote a novel and erased it.

 

Because it turns out... All his efforts, his grand show of togetherness, his emphatic professions of love for me inside and out of our house amounted to absolutely nothing when I realized he kept his OW strung along in case I didn't forgive him. Funny thing is, that was a big part of why I ended up not forgiving him in the end. So a self prophecy.

 

Sorry I'm not much help. My big fake R was a silly little mess and I look back on it and ask myself why... Why... Why...

 

How did you find out he kept the OW on the side burner? Sorry this happened. If I found out my wife was keeping that guy simmering on the burner while trying to reconcile I told her I'd toss her out of the house.

Archie Bunker said it best.

 

"You can quit running after you catch the bus."

 

I belive he said it in reference to getting married and not putti g in all the effort of courting but i th8nk it applies here as well. Once my wife felt like the affair was in the past, a lot of her "campaign promises" started failing. No deal breakers, but still...

 

I think its pretty natural.

 

I hear you. You're about 5 years out right? I have thought about these things. IN the future if my wife went to some of the previous things she did and was I'm not sure if I would stick around. There was a point to where she changed shortly after we had our daughter. With her parents currently out of the picture I'm not sure if that old person would come back. They are her family so I can only suspect they'll kiss and makeup soon. From there though I'm not really sure how things will be. I know her family is constantly trying to break our marriage. They think I'm controlling her lol.

 

Still trying to reconcile 2-1/2 years out from d-day more because of appearances if everybody were completely honest.

 

Been in MC for a fwe months only because there was a lot of traveling in between.

 

Attitude followed by actions that are only meant to "win" you back?

 

Once the WS solidifies they have successfully "won" you back into the marriage have you noticed attitude and behavioral changes that revert them back to how they used to be before D-Day? YES, definitely noticed this lately. Not that I think he will ever cheat on me again; I absolutely do not think that will happen again.

 

BUT that's not the point or enough. And the problems that were there before are still there. We're in MC but it's slow and I think he's already figured out how to hoodwink the sessions. For example, at the last one I felt pretty despondent because I realized that he now takes me for granted. He thinks he did his time, showed his remorse and told his story. The day to day grind is back to his terms. He's starting to lose compassion when I'm hurting, as if it was a show and not necessary now. He cries at MC about how he "shows" his love through work and action and doesn't have the ability fo communicate his thoughts and feelings, but I'm suspicious of it since he never does at home. (Guess I should be bringing that up there....) IOW, he's getting more and more like before, selfish, judgmental and uncompromising. The humility and sincerety he evinced post d-Day has slowly been replaced by his the old profille and we're more like roommates with benefits (some) but no real sharing. In a word, I'm not satisfied

 

I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope things change for you. I fear some of the same things. Since you've been betrayed by your husband are his old habits more of an amplified turn off now? Perhaps before you knew about his affair you just muddled through like the rest of us. I know before I found out about my wife's affair I thought they were just "normal" marriage problems. Boy was I wrong.

 

Yes, there was certainly a reversion back to the way things were before the first d-day. In the end, he ended up cheating on me again, at exactly the same time of year that he did it the first time. I've begun to think that October is just really not my month. The truth is though, we didn't really process his first infidelity, or all the other crap that happened before that one too. He is a rug sweeper to the core. He did his boo hooing to convince me to take him back, made some changes that were pretty drastic (quit drinking/doing drugs) but in the end he went right back to the same behaviors that always worked for him.... lie, cheat, ignore my needs, treat me as if my opinions didn't matter, and then use my response to being treated like crap as an excuse to cheat again.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you're able to find peace soon. What was the time frame this all happened?

 

As the LS saying goes the WS has to do "all the heavy lifting".

Has to "read the post pinned at the top of the page" and read it carefully, then "read it again" until it sinks in.

 

Now we have this thread that asks if we observer our WS's "putting on a show". The very show we demanded they had to put on or move on.

 

How is a WS supposed to "act natural" AND "do the heavy lifting"?

 

It seems to me as soon as you ask anyone, anywhere, at anytime to do something specifically for YOU, to end YOUR PAIN (as if anyone can end my pain!) then you had best be understanding that this person is not behaving naturally. Any more than they were conducting an affair over a period of time somewhere in a 20 year marriage.

 

Faking it is a different question indeed. Is my WS "faking it". But that's not what this thread suggests is it?

 

I think if a BS is going to try to turn a reconciling remorseful WS into something, the BS has to own that something. To then turn around and say "look, you were not being natural with me jumping through my hoops", then maybe the person who really isn't ready for reconciliation, or is having their doubts, is in fact the BS, not the WS.

 

When the BS acts "normal" and isn't holding a noose over the WS's head, then he can fairly ask that question: Is this my "beautiful wife"?

 

I have never commanded my wife to do or change anything. In fact, I left the house in the beginning and gave some money to my lawyer. When I talk about past events and revisit things I do get some head scratches on my end. For example, in the beginning, my wife spoke with two lawyers before I even spoke with one. Why?

 

This could only imply she was ready to divorce. Something happened though to where she fully committed back to me and that is a missing puzzle piece I have. But never once through this process did I ever command her to do anything besides the following - STD Test, Counseling and no contact.

 

It took her a little while to do these. She broke no contact in the beginning. She more recently also told me he paid her a visit at her new work trying to talk to her. She never told me about this when it happened. For some reason she kept it from me.

 

Very general question so everyone will have a different experience. Seems like you are hopeful that after R everything will go back to blissful marriage and that none of the same problems as will be there..

The question for you. How confident are you the affair did not go underground. Do not use the fact that she is giving you a lot of sex as a reason to comfort yourself if that is what is occuring.

What is she doing to make you feel safe. Is she being totally transparent or is she still demanding privacy . If any of her friends helped or facilitated the affair are they still around .

The point being is that her main focusnin life should be in trying to help you heal and help herself take actions to avoid this happening again. Only you can determine if she is doing enough or trying to rug sweep.

Your marriage will never be exactly the same and beware of too much complacency. The next D Day will not be easier but harder

 

She demands no privacy. The only privacy she really has is at work. Her phone or other devices have no locks. She leaves her computer unlocked and things like Facebook up if I ever wanted to go through. I have no desire to do this though. Playing PI on my wife anymore is a complete turn off to me. Can I say for sure she has absolutely no contact with this guy? No. I have no clue. Maybe she's doing something similar to a lot of the others and keeping him on the back burner in case we fail.

 

Thank you all for the contributions. I was keeping these questions general to try and find a trend.

[merrmeade]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope things change for you. I fear some of the same things. Since you've been betrayed by your husband are his old habits more of an amplified turn off now? Perhaps before you knew about his affair you just muddled through like the rest of us. I know before I found out about my wife's affair I thought they were just "normal" marriage problems. Boy was I wrong.

 

Thank you all for the contributions. I was keeping these questions general to try and find a trend.

Yeah, I share some of this, but I'm feeling more and more hopeful lately. As our MC picks up more steam, we're definitely working out some issues and the therapist is excellent at making my H "show up." Somebody pinned a quote at the bottom of their post in another thread, something that Robin Williams said that surprised me because it's so upbeat:

No matter what people tell you words and ideas can change the world

~Robin Williams~

Regardless of how this contradicts RW's final act, it expresses the most hope of anything a person could believe, and lately I'm been feeling that my perseverance, persistence in keeping my H aware and continuous refinement of how I see who he is, who I am and how we can live together happily is finally paying off. I've been around the block with therapists, and my parents brought me up to their own version of the "words and ideas can change the world" motto - so it's great sometimes to realize that - damn! my H is finally showing me respect for who I am and what I believe. He's listening to what I have to say, admits the sh-t he did down to the letter - however I want to describe it - without retort, because I don't describe it vindictively and try very hard to be fair and tactful.

 

In other words, we both admit that we were living a colossal lie before and beginning a grownup relationship for grownups with our eyes open is something good. Nice. And maybe a lot a more. Maybe.

Edited November 15, 2014 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

No, no. I can do this better. Because you asked for general themes, I'll say it like this:

I feel the tiniest Eureka! bubbling up because first and foremost, I'm finding my way back to myself, and I'm able to do that because I feel he's finally given me the truth. So I'm able to work on myself because I have peace from disclosure from him.

 

Second, I feel that maybe my vision of who we, I, he could be is panning out. Maybe. And, yes, I'm taking the credit for sticking with it. I think - maybe - he wants to change in fundamental ways and he's letting me help him.

 

So it would be also be interesting to hear from those who might have turned the corner beyond this and continued going in a positive direction.

 

I'm not saying what we'll be like tomorrow or next year. I'm not saying that he doesn't still have the same propensities in his thinking and actions as do I. I'm saying we're trying.

[xtymorgan]

I've posted my story a few times today in different topics, so I won't go over it all again here (you can just read my other posts if you wish). But I wanted to give a positive view on this question.

 

Yes, there are still issues. Yes, we're still figuring it all out. And yes, I still have trust issues and insecurities I'm dealing with.

 

BUT...for the most part, my husband has been doing almost everything I've needed him to do (without being told) and he has done ALMOST everything to express his love and commitment to me. Although we have to work out some kinks and I need him to do more work to prove it's me and only me he loves, I have genuine hope in our future together. We've even discussed renewing our vows somewhere down the road (not immediately, we've only been reconciled for 2 months now).

 

I hate when people say "people never change" or "cheaters will always cheat". I truly don't believe this anymore, although I used to. I truly believe in my husband (as much as I can right now) and I truly believe he will never do this to me again. There were a lot of factors at play when he strayed. Not that I'm taking the blame for his infidelity, but I can certainly see where I did or didn't do certain things that I should or shouldn't have been doing. So he's not the only one that needs to work on things. The BS might also have some changes to make in order to make the reconciliation work. In my case, I need to make sure that my H feels loved, wanted and desired. I need to reassure him frequently that I love him and that he is appreciated. I don't think I was doing enough of this before and although that's not an excuse for cheating, I do see where it fostered an environment where he was tempted and craving attention and affirmation.

 

So, I do believe there is hope and as far as what's "normal" during reconciliation? I don't think there's one right answer. I think everyone in our position will experience doubt, insecurity and mistrust. But I also think it's possible to be happier than before if you both choose to learn from the WS mistakes (and your own) and make every effort to make your marriage better than it was even before.

[elaine567]

g

I have never commanded my wife to do or change anything. In fact, I left the house in the beginning and gave some money to my lawyer. When I talk about past events and revisit things I do get some head scratches on my end. For example, in the beginning, my wife spoke with two lawyers before I even spoke with one. Why?

 

This could only imply she was ready to divorce. Something happened though to where she fully committed back to me and that is a missing puzzle piece I have.

 

What did her lawyers have to say to her?

What did the first lawyer say that made her turn to another, and then come back to you?

Your answer may be right there.