Question for a male out there.

[usmccat1]

Been married for 20 years and the kids are now almost grown and hubby hit me last month with a ton of bricks. Says he is not sure that he still loves me in his heart but does in his mind. Does not want to "D" but seperate, so we have in a sense even though he still lives with me and we sleep in the same bed and he calls me honey and all. Only thing different is he does not say he loves me. I have been thru a lot of changes the last year and 1/2 I lost over 140 pounds and returned to school and think maybe I kind of left him behind at times. Also he states he want's us to be friends again.

 

He does have a female friend that he talks to but she is older then him and I know there is nothing sexual between them.

 

My friends say it is a mid-life he is 43. Not sure what to do as of right now just kind of going with the flow and seeing what happens but taking care of me.

 

Not sure if anybody has any advice on how to hang and if it is worth it but would love the advice.

[life loser]

men do change at 40ish midlife crisis - sometimes they come out of it and everything is back to normal, but sometimes they completely change - I've seen both ways

 

best thing I can suggest is give him room and patience if you can and see where he comes out of it

 

see a therpist or get a good book on men's midlife crisis (btw women often can have a midlife crisis too! to help you understand him and what he is going through

 

good luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

Says he is not sure that he still loves me in his heart but does in his mind. Does not want to "D" but seperate

 

This change of his may not have been caused by anything you did - it could likely have come from an internal reset of how he feels about you. As much as people don't like to think so - love can change in relationships. The lust and romance in the beginning can easily turn to the docile 'family love' after many years. An example would be a guy who tells his wife that he loves her "as the mother of his children and a member of his family", but is not "in love (lust, romance, desire)" with her.

 

That's the reason why men who lose this "in love" feeling rarely leave their wives: because the wife represents a deeper, more stable, and more secure type of love - the love that suggests longevity, legacy and family lines. He would no more leave his wife than he would his own mother or siblings. His separation from you in his mind, may be akin to telling his parents that he is moving out. He didn't love his parents any less, but he found greater needs in his life that took him out of the home. He knows he can always come back home, though.

 

That doesn't make the wife feel any better, though - since sometimes we want to feel desired and wanted. But a husband can't give what he doesn't have. Your husband likely feels that he just doesn't have those types of emotions to give to you. It doesn't mean he's giving them to someone else, necessarily - it just means that he had one set of emotions that morphed into a different set of emotions: no less important or significant for him, just different. Even if he were giving those feelings to someone else, I expect in his mind that they have no negative impact on the feelings he's giving to you. Does that justify or excuse it? Certainly not, but it happens this way in a good deal of marriages - and it helps to be able to consider problems from all sides, even those sides we don't want to see.

 

What will need to happen is that he will need to be able to see that while he is giving you one set of emotions, that you need those other ones, too. He may feel that you are content with what he has with you - since you have continued to be with him under the circumstances. Unfortunately, if you were to push him into giving you what he feels he doesn't have - he may withdraw further and step back from what you have left.

 

You and he would benefit from some marriage counseling. You and he have a different set of needs, it sounds like - and you both need to be able to identify what the other person needs and reconcile that with what you, yourselves need. If there can be no reconciliation of that - and he is unwilling or unable to give you what you need, then you'll need to decide whether what he is giving you is enough, or whether a true separation will probably be in order.

[Owl]

Well, my thoughts are that there is more going on with his "friend" than you know. The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech is a classic symptom of an affair. As is the desire to seperate to "find myself" or "sort things out". I heard these EXACT phrases during my wife's emotional affair. Remember too that an affair does not have to be physical...it's possible that he's just convinced he's in love with her.

 

Personally, I'd suggest you start snooping around. Check his cellphone use, his emails, his online activity. Take a look at his credit card spending. I'd bet a good sized amount you're going to see things that you didn't expect.

 

I don't mean this as a bash...just a warning of what might be going on.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, a "separation", and a "witholding of affection" and "I love yous" are two very different things. On the one hand, not being really separated is good. Still, I don't like the whole "not saying I love you" thing. On the other hand, if he doesn't feel like he loves you, and doesn't want to lie about it, I guess we can say he is honest, anyway.

 

The female friend you talked about that your husband talks to (even if there is nothing sexual going on), may be part of the cause of your emotional disconnect, but that will not be what he wants to hear right now. People in a situation have a way of sensing what the problem might be, and I can't help but think that perhaps you mentioned her for a reason.

 

It is encouraging that your husband says he wants to be your friend again (usually friendship is associated with intimacy and feeling close to someone), and he is basically coming out and telling you what the problem is. He does not feel emotionally close to you anymore. Perhaps he is feeling emotionally close to this friend, and that concerns him, because you are the woman he married, and he wants to feel that close to you again. Try talking to him, not just about this subject, but about how his day went, what his problems at work might be - dump on him about some of your thoughts, feelings, or problems, which are not directly related to this situation. See if he will reconnect with you.

 

Now back to the friend - it isn't always about sex, and it doesn't even necessarily (although often it is the case) have to mean that his lady friend has ulterior motives towards your husband. Still, if he is emotionally disconnected from you, and at the same time has found an emotional connection (even if we call it friendship and there is no sex going on) with another woman, that should concern you (and if it is the case, it should concern him too, but he may not want to see it). You must be very careful how you deal with this though. If what I suspect may be case is in fact the case, no contact between your H and this "friend" who he "talks to", would probably be best for your marriage, but if you ask for that at this point, it will only convince him that you do not really understand him, that you are a "typical jealous wife", or even worse that you "don't trust him", and push him further away - hence the quandry.

 

I think for now, just try to reconnect with your husband, and see if the two of you can feel close to each other again. Calling his not saying I love you a "separation" does not bode well for that, but do what you can. If calling it that (and I'm assuming here that this includes no "I love you", and no sex), I do have grave concerns that he may have developed some feelings for the female friend, even if he has not acted on them sexually, but just try to get a feel for the situation, and take your best shot.

[MySugaree]

If you try to ride this out, you'll be riding yourself out of your marriage. Your husband has already "divorced" himself from you emotionally, mentally and physically. He is carving out a life that is very, very separate from his married life with you. He is defining himself as someone other than your spouse and the father of your children.

 

A MLC is psychobabble-speak for a middle-aged male's redefinition of himself outside of the cozy confines of settled domesticity and connubial bliss. Often, it is a sad, pathetic declaration of war against all that had sustained him and his sense of himself for these past 20 years. Believe me, the radical, new emotional geography, the loss of "home" frightens, dismays and shocks him as much as it shocks you.

 

While your marriage is not dead, I believe it's on life support. His demand for separation speakes volumes. The longer you wait for effective marriage counseling, or individual therapy for him, the less likely you'll be able to reclaim your marriage.

 

A MLC is a bitch for everyone.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Posted to edit prior post. Last paragraph, third sentence, should read "If calling it that was his idea...".

 

I would also add - mutual marriage counselling - NOW.

[usmccat1]

Thanks for all the help and info from everyone. We have talked and he said that we are going better and he is starting to get the feelings back. He had surgery 2 weeks ago so we have been going doing a lot of stuff together since he can't drive and I think that we are working on the friendship plus the marrriage. He did say he loved me but I am not going to act like everything is all good again. I am going to be going and getting counseling first and then see what happens after that.