Want to congratulate ex on a new job...

[Magnet]

My ex is leaving for a new job. I have mixed feelings about it. Here's our backstory.

 

Basically- long story short. We work together (different departments).

We met at Christmas party Dec 2011, fell in love, moved in together, had a 2.5 yr R, she left me, I won her back, she left me again, then 2 months later she is with a new man.

 

No contact (as much as is possible since end of Aug).

 

Work Situation:

I was going to leave first for another job but an exciting new project arrived on my desk. I decided to stay and turn down the other job.

 

I decide this just yesterday, then today, I hear my ex is leaving for a new job, to become a teacher. It's a shock- she finally got the balls to chase her dream.

 

I feel very sad because I admit that I took the sliver of solace of her being 'around' (even though we never spoke). But I am happy to see her do something good with her life, even though I am gutted she is leaving. I feel as if I want to reach out to congratulate her and to tell her she will be a great teacher.

 

I haven't spoken to her for months.

 

I was thinking of emailing her to say:

 

Hi there,

 

I just wanted to say I heard about your new job.

 

Congratulations and I’m so pleased for you.

 

It makes perfect sense, you will be a fantastic teacher and the kids will be really lucky to have you teach them.

 

It makes me really happy to hear about this.

 

All the best of luck for the future,

 

 

 

This is a VERY stupid idea, right?

 

Also, what does this say about me, that I am still stuck, grieving, when she is moving on and doing stuff?

 

I feel really sad and lost. I didn't realise I would be this upset if she left.

[d0nnivain]

Part of it is nice that you wish her well but you realize this is a pretext. You want her back & are using any excuse to contact her. Don't do it.

[Gatema]

Part of it is nice that you wish her well but you realize this is a pretext. You want her back & are using any excuse to contact her. Don't do it.

 

I totally agree with this post from dOnnivan.

 

I'm afraid that you may become even more upset if she doesn't respond back to you like you are secretly anticipating. We all have done the very same thing as you.

 

I'm just trying to alert you to think about this before you do anything. There's a very good chance that you are expecting something to happen by contacting her.

 

However the conversation between you two plays out, or in the manner in which she responds back to you, it's going to have an impact on you in one way or another: good, bad, mad, my guess from my own experiences, mostly sad.

 

Remember, whatever decision that you make try to keep in mind that there's going to be some new, or past, and even different types of emotions attached to your contact. Not being prepared emotionally can cripple any current, or worse yet, any future progress that you've made to date.

 

If she still cares enough about you as her former boyfriend, then my guess is that she'll reach out to you before she leaves.

[Strength in Healing]

Donnivain spoke the truth. She left you for another guy, swallow it and detest her as you should.

 

I hardly doubt those kids are lucky to have a liar as a role model, too, by the way. Just saying.

[amaysngrace]

Don't say anything to her. Her business isn't your business so stop kidding yourself into thinking that it is.

 

You spend worlds more time thinking about her than she ever thinks about you which is exactly why she's free to follow her dreams and you're not.

 

Don't be at her mercy again. She already has too much power over you.

 

Don't give her more.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, this is a bad idea.

[Magnet]

Thank you guys. I went to LS immediately because I didn't want to cave in.

Just had this "compassionate voice" saying wish her well before she goes. A panic response at the finality of not seeing her every day?

 

It's just hard to actualise that her life and her business has nothing to do with me, when she still doesn't feel like a stranger to me (inside of me).

 

Oh and another thing- this new guy's sister runs the school she is working at next year. That pisses me off kinda.

 

And yeah- if she wants to contact me- she can. Won't count on it though.

 

I can't make myself hate her- I've tried. Doesn't work...

[Magnet]

Okay- she emailed me 5 days ago.

I had a hunch and checked my junk mail as I'd set it to auto-delete her emails.

 

There was a message from her.

 

Saying she knows I've contacted her dad directly about picking up bike but adding that she's found some of my clothes and how she knows a tshirt of them is my favourite.

 

And that she is leaving to become a teacher and to study for her degree to chase her dream and that she thought it was best to let me know directly before she makes it public.

 

And asks after me, how am I?

 

I really don't know what to say. It's been 5 days but I just read it yesterday.

 

I guess she still cares enough and is trying to be nice.

 

Should I reply then?

 

I'm a bit messed up about this. Please help.

[Jet Lag]

Just had this "compassionate voice" saying wish her well before she goes. A panic response at the finality of not seeing her every day?

 

It's just hard to actualise that her life and her business has nothing to do with me, when she still doesn't feel like a stranger to me (inside of me).

 

 

I can't make myself hate her- I've tried. Doesn't work...

 

Hey,

 

I can't give you much advice but I sympathise with you.

 

I too still very much a part of my exes life.

 

And I can't hate him either. I love him.

[martaldn]

Okay- she emailed me 5 days ago.

I had a hunch and checked my junk mail as I'd set it to auto-delete her emails.

 

There was a message from her.

 

Saying she knows I've contacted her dad directly about picking up bike but adding that she's found some of my clothes and how she knows a tshirt of them is my favourite.

 

And that she is leaving to become a teacher and to study for her degree to chase her dream and that she thought it was best to let me know directly before she makes it public.

 

And asks after me, how am I?

 

I really don't know what to say. It's been 5 days but I just read it yesterday.

 

I guess she still cares enough and is trying to be nice.

 

Should I reply then?

 

I'm a bit messed up about this. Please help.

 

In this case I would reply.

BUT i would be very short. Like only congratulation for the job and let her know what you want to do with that clothes.

[Magnet]

This is her last week at work before she leaves.

 

I am all over the place.

Over the weekend I went on a drug binge and humiliated myself.

 

I've been off work since then. It's all falling apart for me.

 

I am really screwed up and just opened the box of stuff I'd put away. Can't believe she wrote me such lovely letters, she did really love me.

 

I still love her dammit. I can't go to work this Friday (the Christmas party- it would mess me up.)

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that you're not handling this well.

 

But why are you willing to self-destruct over her? You say that you love her but I doubt that. You can't truly love another until you love yourself and your actions of late don't indicate that you do.

 

Fake it until you make it.

[Art_Critic]

Part of it is nice that you wish her well but you realize this is a pretext. You want her back & are using any excuse to contact her. Don't do it.

 

I agree.. took the words outta my mouth

[Magnet]

I'm sorry that you're not handling this well.

 

But why are you willing to self-destruct over her? You say that you love her but I doubt that. You can't truly love another until you love yourself and your actions of late don't indicate that you do.

 

Fake it until you make it.

 

I'm messed up. And maybe it's not because of her, but rather that I leaned on her to make me feel better... And I have only myself to blame for my unhappiness...

 

Fake what? Being happy?

 

And why can't I love her if I don't love myself?

[CarrieT]

Fake what? Being happy?

Yes.

 

It is called Walking-The-Walk and Talking-The-Talk. If you FORCE yourself to appear happy and contented - even though it is counter-intuitive to what you are really feeling - eventually those feelings of contentedness will supersede those of sadness.

 

And why can't I love her if I don't love myself?

I think it is a matter of co-dependency. You don't love her as much has you think you NEED her to make you happy.

[Magnet]

Yes.

 

It is called Walking-The-Walk and Talking-The-Talk. If you FORCE yourself to appear happy and contented - even though it is counter-intuitive to what you are really feeling - eventually those feelings of contentedness will supersede those of sadness.

 

I tried that and was going along quite well. Just takes a lot of effort keeping up appearances. This week I reached a point "I can't do this anymore."

 

I just have a tendency to shoot myself in the foot. I guess I'm not happy in a lot of parts of my life and I have some deep seated stuff I need to address.

[amaysngrace]

Admitting there's a problem is the first step towards recovery!

 

Good for you!!!

 

Have you ever been to a psychotherapist?

[CarrieT]

I tried that and was going along quite well. Just takes a lot of effort keeping up appearances. This week I reached a point "I can't do this anymore."

And that happens. But hopefully it happens when one is alone.

 

I just have a tendency to shoot myself in the foot. I guess I'm not happy in a lot of parts of my life and I have some deep seated stuff I need to address.

What others have said: Have you considered therapy? It sounds as though you aren't emotionally ready for a relationship.

[Magnet]

And that happens. But hopefully it happens when one is alone.

 

 

What others have said: Have you considered therapy? It sounds as though you aren't emotionally ready for a relationship.

 

I went to the doctors yesterday and got a referral.

 

I think my behaviour over the weekend was the last straw and it gave me the push I needed to seek help.

 

Basically I haven't ever learnt how to love myself .

Nor how to let go of things and let the chips fall as they may.

Or to stop worrying about what others think of me.

 

It will be a good Christmas break to relax and get some much needed down time.

 

2014 has been the year in which the long held facade crumbled. Now I have to figure out what's really inside of me.

[amaysngrace]

Seriously proud of you Magnet!!!

 

It takes courage to recognize that we need to change certain aspects of ourselves and work towards accomplishing true change. That's what growth is all about.

 

It sounds to me that you do, indeed, love yourself after all. I think you maybe just forgot.

 

One thing I've learned is that some beliefs we have known to be true may have been drawn when we were children or teenagers and we've brought them into our adult lives.

 

But they're from the eyes of a child. Please keep that in mind when choosing what to take and what you want to throw away.

[Magnet]

Seriously proud of you Magnet!!!

 

It takes courage to recognize that we need to change certain aspects of ourselves and work towards accomplishing true change. That's what growth is all about.

 

It sounds to me that you do, indeed, love yourself after all. I think you maybe just forgot.

 

One thing I've learned is that some beliefs we have known to be true may have been drawn when we were children or teenagers and we've brought them into our adult lives.

 

But they're from the eyes of a child. Please keep that in mind when choosing what to take and what you want to throw away.

 

Thanks, your words of encouragement have helped.

 

Does that mean we have beliefs that we've held to be true since kids that aren't useful to leading adult relationships and lives? And would hinder our happiness

 

Here's a few I think I have:

 

- I believe I need other people's approval to make me happy

- I believe I must make other people happy in order to be happy

- I believe I must act like a real man should to be accepted eg not show emotion or sensitivity or act 'straight' and 'manly' to be accepted - living up to ideals of men

-I believe other's people's beliefs about me must be true

- I believe if I showed who I really was, people wouldn't like who I am

[Magnet]

Btw, what beliefs did you make as a child that you still would hold true?

[amaysngrace]

Thanks, your words of encouragement have helped.

 

Does that mean we have beliefs that we've held to be true since kids that aren't useful to leading adult relationships and lives? And would hinder our happiness

 

Here's a few I think I have:

 

- I believe I need other people's approval to make me happy

- I believe I must make other people happy in order to be happy

- I believe I must act like a real man should to be accepted eg not show emotion or sensitivity or act 'straight' and 'manly' to be accepted - living up to ideals of men

-I believe other's people's beliefs about me must be true

- I believe if I showed who I really was, people wouldn't like who I am

 

These are all of the beliefs you need to challenge. First you need to think about when it was that you first started to believe that. Ask and really ponder the answers to the following questions:

 

Who told me that?

Is it true?

If it's true, can I change it?

Is holding onto this belief adding to my life?

 

If not, let it go.

 

Self-discovery and self-awareness are good things and I'd strongly suggest that you grab a notebook and a pen and seriously analyze these beliefs you hold about yourself.

 

I think you'll be shocked at what you'll find.