has NC ever worked for anyone?

[Angeleyez2583]

What I want to know, has anyone ever had the NC thing work and gotten back with their ex? Or if you ever broke up with someone, what made you go back to them?

[MassiveAtom]

Hi AE

 

Fact is, NC is a way to help you get your boundaries together and give you time to heal emotionally. It HAS worked for me but not as I expected. It allowed me to get some much needed perspective. I still love her, but I can go on now without her. I can be the father I want to be, with or without her. I realize now that I did everything I could and I am proud of that.

 

It kinda helps you not to cry that it's over, but smile because it happened. I can now say I've loved and lost. My ex can't. I pity her in that regard.

 

NC doesn't mean isolate yourself. It means to distance yourself from the person who did you emotional harm. You still have your friends, you still have the shack, you still have you. All that effort you were putting forth for the other person, is now available for you.

 

As a healing tool It certainly DOES work wonders, as a way to get 'em back, it never does.

 

I hope you find all that you wish for.

 

 

and then some.

 

as always,

 

Massiveatom

[Extra Truth]

Hi AE

 

As a healing tool It certainly DOES work wonders, as a way to get 'em back, it never does.

 

Yes we all want to heal and NC is not the only way. So, we want our loved one back and if NC is not the instrument to do that, then what is?

[J dub]

we want our loved one back and if NC is not the instrument to do that, then what is?

There is not a thing, not even ONE, you can do to get your love back. This is a situation you do not have control over, as much as that sucks. Even if you somehow manage to manipulate them back with some crazy psychology crap, it wont keep them back forever because they left for a reason. They must return on their own, without you "convincing" them.

 

It's a matter of, are you willing to move on and PERHAPS they'll return on their own, or are you going to pine away for them the rest of your days and waste a perfectly good life?

 

 

 

Angeleyez,

 

I used NC from the very day my bf left me, and he came back to me a month later. At that moment, I had a much clearer perspective of what I would and wouldnt put up with, and we reconciled but the part that made the deal the sweetest was that it was all on MY terms. No more BS, cuz I will be gone in a snap. And he knows it.

 

I am, obviously, a firm & true believer in the benefits we gain from NC, whether it be for moving on or whatever else.

[CaliGuy]

There is not a thing, not even ONE, you can do to get your love back. This is a situation you do not have control over, as much as that sucks. Even if you somehow manage to manipulate them back with some crazy psychology crap, it wont keep them back forever because they left for a reason. They must return on their own, without you "convincing" them.

 

It's a matter of, are you willing to move on and PERHAPS they'll return on their own, or are you going to pine away for them the rest of your days and waste a perfectly good life?

 

 

 

Angeleyez,

 

I used NC from the very day my bf left me, and he came back to me a month later. At that moment, I had a much clearer perspective of what I would and wouldnt put up with, and we reconciled but the part that made the deal the sweetest was that it was all on MY terms. No more BS, cuz I will be gone in a snap. And he knows it.

 

I am, obviously, a firm & true believer in the benefits we gain from NC, whether it be for moving on or whatever else.

JDub, deep down I have hope that my situation is like yours but a part of me knows that it's over. I accept that and I am ready, willing and able to date someone else.

 

I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am and doesn't remind me of what I am not, to her.

[J dub]

JDub, deep down I have hope that my situation is like yours but a part of me knows that it's over. I accept that and I am ready, willing and able to date someone else.

For what its worth: It was the week I realized that I had finally let him go, that I was having fun being single and life was really going to be just fine without him, that he reappeared. I have heard others say this happened to them as well.

 

Not that you can force yourself into that stage, but I think when someone told ME that, it allowed me to see that holding on to hope wouldnt make a sh.t of a difference so I just let it go completely. Ironic, really.

[CaliGuy]

For what its worth: It was the week I realized that I had finally let him go, that I was having fun being single and life was really going to be just fine without him, that he reappeared. I have heard others say this happened to them as well.

 

Not that you can force yourself into that stage, but I think when someone told ME that, it allowed me to see that holding on to hope wouldnt make a sh.t of a difference so I just let it go completely. Ironic, really.

Well, she just sent me a thank you for the chocolates I sent her family (not her) and said some gift is in the mail to me. I did not reply to her email from last Thursday and I am not going to reply to this one as well.

 

A few weeks ago I made up my mind that I was better off without her and yes, that I would be fine without her but I don't know that I have completely bought into that. Perhaps when the realization that I am not calling, emailing, IM'ing, Texting or otherwise trying to make contact with her sets in she'll understand what she has let go.

 

It's odd. She said no man ever treated her so well, no man physically made her feel so good and yet she doesn't want me.

 

It's no wonder why I can't seem to figure out what went wrong other than being a bit too clingy. Now that I am not anymore I wonder what the future holds. If we're meant to be it will happen but on my terms, as you said, not hers.

[Tangerina]

Funny, yeah, right when I started to get over the ex for real and date someone else was when he wanted to come back... that brought back a lot of confusing emotions that I had thought I was over but afte many emotional struggles and unfortunately messing with his and the new guy's emotions, I did the right thing and said "no way, mister" because in our time apart I had realized just how wrong he was for me.... but you won't be able to really see if she is wrong or right until you really move on... if he had come back a week or 2 earlier I probably would have made a huge mistake and taken him back because I hadn't reached that point of clarity yet where I had cleared out enough of the addictive love chemicals to really know what I needed... so yeah, I think NC or whatever helps you get clear headed is a really good thing... (PS I am still with the guy I started dating and am 100 times happier than I ever was with the ex.... you can move on in life, even though it is hard)

[Extra Truth]

There is not a thing, not even ONE, you can do to get your love back. This is a situation you do not have control over, as much as that sucks. Even if you somehow manage to manipulate them back with some crazy psychology crap, it wont keep them back forever because they left for a reason. They must return on their own, without you "convincing" them.

 

It's a matter of, are you willing to move on and PERHAPS they'll return on their own, or are you going to pine away for them the rest of your days and waste a perfectly good life?

 

Hi J Dub

 

I'm going to get back to you on the specifics regarding that thread I stared "where is the advice on this board about how to get a second chance". I really would appreciate your advice on that, but it's late.

 

For now, though, I appreciate what you're saying that your ex returning cannot be orchestrated. Yes, they left for a reason. For over 3 years I hid so much of myself, and she knew it, and she saw much of the neuroses that came out of that repression, again, I'll get into on the other thread. So that is the history she has to draw on, and we're at no NC, so there isn't much opportunity now to add information to her store of knowledge about me. In fact, she'll say, that if after 3 years I still wasn't allowing her in, why should she invest the time and energy now. It can only happen if we're friends. And I just found out friends of mine told her not to contact me at all sicne she was hurting me and basically sending me into self-destruct mode--she's worried that she's messing me up for the next woman. In any case, here I am ready to close the chapter but with a finger marking page. Or in another way, I have these feelings of love that day by day are becoming increasingly shattered and developing into resentment. And I have this hope. I she told me she has already slept with someone. Yet I want her. Adult sexuality is complex, no? I think CaliGuy mentioned a plan (that he wouldn't recommend, and I don't know why) where the dumpee, me, spends the year working on the self, and if the person returns, the dumpee wows them. Seems to me this is a win-win situation.

 

I'm rambling now, it's late. I've been crying every day for 2 months, and being Christmas, it was especially bad today and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Time to sleep....

 

J in LA

 

I will write you on the other thread--I would really appreciate some perspective from someone who had a second chance.

[ohzee]

WOW! There is something about coming back to LS that really helps me deal with my break-up. I read so many threads about folks that in one way or another are going thru very similar situations as I am, maybe just bits and pieces yet the same suffering. My personal observation of NC is that it does work in many ways. The primary is the initial healing process. Accepting your situation as it may be. Self awareness of what role you had in your predicament. Taking responsibility for your actions. Learning to correct those errors in your ways. All these things must be done to prevent a reoccurring situation. During the primary phase you HAVE TO go into strict NC, your mind and heart are so overwhelmed with confusion and lack of understanding that any communication with the S/O will only cloud your mind from things you really should be concentrating on,(taking care of number one, yourself).

 

Once you have completely accepted the first phase of NC, you can now realistically work on your self esteem and practice or correct what you have learned from phase one. Involve yourself in social events, sports, meeting new people; give yourself the opportunity to develop these new found skills. You will quickly notice that concentrating on yourself and not waiting for a text message, e-mail, phone call etc. your mind will be more usefully applied to self improvement, hence you feel a lot better about your future. The depression will go away, the smile on your face will return, your attitude towards others will become very noticeable. I speak only from personal experience.

 

After completing phase one I have set myself certain goals that I WILL achieve before entering a new relationship. I am selling my house and moving into a more suitable place where I will live more within my means than I have for the past years. I am trying to quit smoking, reduce my alcohol consumption, learning to speak with a softer tone to everyone around me, balance my finances so I maybe financially stronger. These are just a few of the improvement I feel will make me a better candidate for a life partner. You need to evaluate your own lifestyle and concentrate on yourself. Perhaps the girl I loved may never come back; I have no control of that. I do have control of my self and what I can offer the next person that I attract. By concentrating on yourself the pain will eventually go away, you become a better person and move on with someone that WILL appreciate your qualities. It’s a win situation for you.

 

Another aspect of NC is giving the S/O time to miss you. It’s not meant to be a punishment to them. It is meant to clear your mind. During this time they will think about you, they will sit home or at the office and remember the good times, they will reevaluate their decision. They will contemplate picking up the phone to see if you are still available. There are no guarantees, so why waste your valuable time thinking about it. My ex and I parted on a very emotional good bye. I told her I would not call, write or contact her again. If she, the dumper, wanted anything to do with me, the ball would be in her court. To date she messaged me on my B-day, at 7A.M. a very brief, generic message. What I did notice was I was on her mind the first thing when she got out of bed that morning. Christmas morning, 12:10 A.M. another text message, brief and once again generic, “hope all is well Merry Christmas”, Again I am on her mind first thing x-mas morning. I read the messages took them for what they are worth and continue NC. She will not control my life or my goals. If she ever has a change of mind, and want to reconcile it will be under my terms not hers. In the mean time I have improvements to make and so do you. So gather up the pieces and lets all go to work on ourselves. Best of luck to every one of you and best wishes for the New Year to come. Hopefully it will be better for all of us.

[J dub]

To date she messaged me on my B-day, at 7A.M. a very brief, generic message. What I did notice was I was on her mind the first thing when she got out of bed that morning. Christmas morning, 12:10 A.M. another text message, brief and once again generic, “hope all is well Merry Christmas”, Again I am on her mind first thing x-mas morning. I read the messages took them for what they are worth and continue NC. She will not control my life or my goals. If she ever has a change of mind, and want to reconcile it will be under my terms not hers.

YES! Exactly!!! So great to hear others are seeing whats right for them to do, and whats going to put them on the road to happiness (whether its reconciling or moving on)

[Dreamer084]

I am coming up on my 4th day of NC and I can honestly say it is very hard not to call her...BUT I am doing it. I am trying to meet new people..get involved with other things in my life..hanging out with my group of friends. I keep coming back to this forum to read over and over again these posts of NC and it keeps me together at times. It disciplines me in a way..and someone in a previous post or couple posts said "have it on your terms"..and thats what I want..on my terms..I am sticking with this NC..thanks guys

[freckles3131]

N/C helps you to get that "click" in your head...the light bulb will go on....TRUST ME...I did everything I could from A to Z on and off for 5 yrs.....then FINALLY did N/C (which as you know isn't easy) but I told myself after all this....this is the "last hurrah"......I have never tried it, so it's time...and whatever happens, happens. BUT.......everyday I told myself, "The ONLY way it will ever work if and when we are to make a go of it at any point is for HIM to COME TO ME......all the times I "convinced him" by way of phone/text/pushing/ I was never "at ease" and didn't trust in it because I pushed/pursued...when we do that (convince/contact/pursue them) we always have those gnawing doubts (is he/she with me because they are lonely/no other options/for the sex/for the companionship etc...etc...and when will they leave again??) BUT, when you pull back and THEY come to YOU, those doubts will be almost non-existant. And you will be in a much better place having gotten your sh#t together in the meanwhile and the desperate/clingy/needy person who was willing to settle for crumbs is long gone....another added bonus.