Strange & Sad End to First Relationship, for now

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WARNING: LONGER POST THAN YOU THINK

 

Hey everyone, I really appreciate it if you took the time to read over at least some of what I have to say and perhaps give me some honest advice. I recommend you skim over or just skip the personal details of my relationship, unless you're like me and enjoy reading into that sort of stuff.

 

I met my first girlfriend soon after I turned 17 last April from volunteering together. We lived about fifteen minutes apart in different cities, so I guess it was pure luck we worked the same shift that day. She was cute and was very open and friendly towards me; I didn't know if it was just her personality and/or if she was into me, but she said she wanted to see me again sometime. After volunteering again the next time, I found out more great things about her and felt a really strong urge to ask her out. I did that later that night on Facebook and she was really happy to say yes.

 

When I was growing up, I told myself that if I ever had a girlfriend, I'd treat her very lovingly and compliment her all day, and I pretty much did that starting from Day 1. She also was very sweet, calling me "amazing" and always being encouraging when chatting with me.

 

During summer, we attended the same summer course in a community college for six, seven weeks and our relationship only got stronger. Previously, we only saw each other under the guise that she was volunteering and I would go pick her up from there. The only part of it I was not completely happy with was her view on sex and intimacy. We were on opposite ends of the should-we-have-sex spectrum. I felt that close intimacy was appropriate for a couple who trusts and loves one another as well as knows how to be safe and responsible. Meanwhile, she was very innocent, wanting to hold off "100%" until after she got married. I often brought up the question if she'd rather have a guy who wasn't into doing those things as much. She had one ex-boyfriend who appeared to be pretty tame, and she said only if this hypothetical boy had every other feature I had.

 

Thus, I never had any huge concerns about us being distanced from each other over this issue. However, I knew it was eventually going to become a much more serious topic based on the rate the relationship was progressing. We started going out just days after meeting, then kiss on first date, over clothes touching by summer, and by the time school started again, I would probably get beaten senseless by her parents if they saw what we were doign together. She never really liked doing intimate things beyond kissing, being slow to take off clothes and shyly covering up when I did, but she didn't object either and seemed to be feeling lots of pleasure physically, so I never really felt the need to slow down.

 

In September, she told me that she would be busy preparing for the SAT exam on weekends, meaning I couldn't see her for six weeks or so. I got her to agree that on the Sunday after it, October 12, we could try having oral sex for the first time. The two weeks leading up to that day were antsy, not that I was ever a patient person. The day of, we did what we (mostly I) planned for almost an hour. She would hide under my blanket when she was at it and after we were finished, wanted to go brush her teeth. I asked if she thought I was dirty and said it wasn't the case. We got lunch together, and that was that for all I was concerned.

 

The next week, she didn't appear cold at all. She even said we could try it again the next time she could come over. That Saturday night, she planned to go with some of her friends to a theme park for Halloween, and I was invited and obligated to drive everyone, of course. Her parents turned on a 10:00 curfew and made it strictly 8:00, so by the time me and her friends arrived, it was 7:30 and there wasn't enough time to really do anything with her, so we had to give up our tickets and go back, despite tens of pleads telling her to stay an extra thirty minutes. One of her habits is saying sorry even when it isn't her fault, and she kept asking how she could make it up to me. Being the bloke I am, I said we could have sex sooner. She didn't really respond to that and tried holding my hand on the way back but I refused, being pissed not necessarily at her, but the situation (wasting time, gas, ticket money). It was a dead silent drive to her home, and I told her "get out" when we got there. That was the last time I saw her in person.

 

The next morning (Sunday), I came to my senses and apologized, and she always was a forgiving person so we made up and everything seemed to revert back to normal. I did ask bring up the sex question again, and she said she'd think about it. She kept thinking about it until Wednesday night. She said she was thinking about many things, and I innocently asked such as what? Basically, she wanted to like doing the really intimate things I wanted her to do, but it was impossible for her to do so, and she felt bad about that. She also said she would be happy if we never had to do those things, and that made me somewhat irritated. It was also the beginning of the end. To me at the time, it was as if she was held back because she couldn't let herself do those things at her age, and I really thought she could get over that belief. It was also shocking to hear she did those things only to make me happy, that she hated them so much. I'll directly quote our online conversation since there's no better way to describe it really. You can definitely tell who's who.

 

i guess.... i've never imagined two people deeply in love who don't want to do those things with each other though

 

I'm sorry I didn't want to suddenly tell you like this ;c but I can imagine two people who are deeply in love and don't do those things ; n ;

 

i guess we can really have a lot less serious relationship if that's what you really want

at least for the time being

 

Define for the time being D:

 

until you say you're ready

 

Really? So you won't ask to do those things anymore? ; u ;

 

sure but then i wouldn't feel as strong about you as before :c

 

After five whole minutes, she came back with, "No I understand you deserve so much more than me and I'm sorry I can't be the right person for you ; n ;" and there was nothing I could respond with to make her feel differently. A few days later, I wrote this to her:

 

I don't know if our relationship is beyond repair at this point, but I've had some time to do a bit of my own thinking and at the very least, I want you to know I was very wrong and regret it a lot. when I look at my friends who are dating, I doubt even a tenth of them actually have sex... a relationship should never revolve around just lust and intimacy, it's really about being there supporting and loving your partner in good times and bad, and that's where you were so great to me but all this time I more or less took it for granted and focused on the wrong things. now, I really miss even just having another person who I can talk to about anything, and I know you would be more caring about me than most other girls at my school. it didn't take long after being away from you to finally see your point that you can have a loving relationship w/o 95%+ (oral and beyond), and I mean that sincerely. so, my point is that I now realize how happy you made me even though I didn't fully appreciate it then. and honestly, neither of us are ready for 100% right now anyways. I really wish we could start over, but I know you deserve better than me. if we never become close again, at least I want you to remember me differently than my old self. thank you.

 

Just not having that person who cares about and love you made me miss her so much more than I anticipated. I thought I had a fair, if not good chance of getting to start over with her. The way she replied afterwards was friendly, but too friendly. She just realized she did well on her test, so that explained the happy mood, but she basically ignored my pleas of trying to be more than friends. I tried two separate times at reconciling, but here's what I got back:

 

I want to be friends ^ u ^

 

I like you as a friend!

 

Sorry about that! I see you as a friend now, but you don't have to do anything! We're okay right? ^__^

 

I don't want you out of my life I want to be friends!

 

I would care if you stopped talking to me :c I still care about you but as a friend!!

 

I'm sorry but I just want to be friends ; u ;

 

Please don't blame yourself it's my fault too!! But I understand if you need some space I'll talk to you later ; u ;

 

I'm sorry things happened that way I didn't want it to end like that but I got the ball rolling by telling you my thoughts ;c but if you want we can start all over as friends

 

We don't have to be distant! We can talk to each other like nothing happened and be great friends! Unless that isn't what you want? ; A ;

 

I will always look back at our relationship as good memories! You gave me some of the best months of my life, but we're still in high school and I don't think we're right for each other ; n ;

 

No please don't go away can we start over as friends? D;

 

My definition of loving someone is caring for them and I still care about you! I just want to be friends

 

You won't be lonely I'm still here for you but as a friend

 

Yes but im sorry just taking it back isnt enough so I rather just be friends D:

 

By my definition of love it would be mostly all of it (when she truly loved me) excluding I would say the last month or so that's probably when I started wanting to be friends

 

Can't we make things right by being friends?

 

I do feel bad that's why I want to be friends but if you really don't want to just say so please don't drag this out any longer

 

I have to admit that whenever I wanted to do something intimate with her, I would ask a few times and she would eventually agree. This time, I gave it my greatest effort of being stubborn and not giving up on her, but she stayed firm with her position, which to me is telling sign that I should stop. She's my first serious love and I really don't want to let her go when it seems like our relationship was lost from one ill-fated message, even more so when I know she loved me just as much for most of our time together. I'm sorry for making this post ridiculously long, but if you're still reading, I really have to ask you what I ought to do now. Does she never want me again, should I wait for her, or should I try once more in person? I still love her, and I know that I can't be centered around sex anymore, though I doesn't seem like I'll get that second chance. Once again, sorry for sharing my pathetic story, but I appreciate any feedback this website has for me. Thank you.