MissBee Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) Usually by my third date I know if I am really into a girl and want a full blown attempt at a relationship or not. Though, I don't know that I would ever be willing to go full blown commitment with knowing what the bedroom life would be like. This! To me it doesn't make sense someone would need MONTHS to figure out if they want to seriously or exclusively date you. We're not talking about popping the marriage question here...we're talking about deciding if you want to see each other exclusively. In all my relationships after about 3 dates was when we stopped seeing other people, neither of us forced the other but by 3 dates in we jus tlost interest in other people, and within a month of dating decided we wanted to see each other exclusively and see how it goes. The idea that you need a YEAR to see if you want to be bf/gf is nuts to me personally or months to know this. We're simply talking about exclusive dating not marriage. I can know within a few dates and surely within a month if I'd like to see a guy exclusively and see where it goes. I don't need a year or 4-6 months to know if I want to be his gf. We can decide to take things slowly but you know. To decide to marry him now, I would need at least a year minimum into the relationship but it's the same thing in that by a year I am either feeling like he could potentially be "IT" or not. You either feel MORE one way or another (more like you like them a lot or less like that). You don't just have no idea. If you've been seeing each other for a month and the person "doesn't know", they're probably not that into you. I think it's very easy to know when you like someone and want to pursue something serious. It doesn't mean you need to declare bf/gf status after a month, but I think you have a good idea of whether or not you're most likely headed that way or not. In my own experience, like I said, with all my boyfriends on average it was about 3 dates or so when we stopped seeing other people and within a month decided to be exclusive and before that both of us talked about it, it wasn't me pressuring them but they actually brought it up too. With guys I just saw or who I wanted to date but they didn't want a relationship we went on multiple dates or even casually saw each other ion some ambiguous relationship for a year but it never panned out to more and I was the one who seemed to want to bring stuff up not them...so for me the trend has been that when a man wants to be with you he "takes you off the market" sooner than later and he brings it up himself, all my boyfriends were just as eager to "scoop me up" and "have the talk" as I was, whereas the guys who weren't serious were in no rush and also seemed to go out of their way to avoid bringing anything like that up for fear of you "getting any ideas". The idea that men are naturally timid deer you have to approach with caution about where things are going hasn't been true for me. It's been true with men who DON'T want that so of course run scared....but a man who wants it as much as you do won't get scared unless you're bringing up marriage after a few dates or months, but simply to ask a man what he is hoping to get out of dating you after a month shouldn't send him running as a grown ass man who is serious about finding a gf would have no issues responding to you. Edited November 20, 2014 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 it's not how many dates you've had, but the quality of those dates. What you did, are you having a good time, do you connect. dinner and drinks are standard, superficial dates. is he putting an effort in knowing you? how much of himself is giving you access to? how often are you two in contact? What sort of connection do you have? One month may be too little or too much, depending on the people. I don't think your strategy is wrong per se. I think it should simply be adapted, depending the people you are going out with. I've never had to have the talk for the simple reason that facts speak stronger than words. Just give yourself time, stop pressuring for answers, just sit back and enjoy, whatever happens. if you feel you're overinvesting withdraw. If he is investing too little, become unavailable. Either way, you usually get to know without having to talk. Things kinda just happen or not. IMO, if you click with a guy, the rest of the details sort of fall into place. You don't have to worry about that. Just follow your gut feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RockyCruz Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Interesting. I never had a woman calculate, "right, when it's 8 dates, I'll ask how serious he is." You're kidding me right? So you believe what the guy or woman says... "Yes babe, yes love, I am so into you. Yes, commitment, you're the ONLY one." Yes, get your love duration calculators up girls and boys, we are going to go for one year and then we shall now discuss, future marriage. If we go out for 10 dates, then exclusivity. If 20, then commitment too. If two years, then marriage. If 10 years, we can have triple partners. I prefer red heads and blondes. Detach. This is how you get hurt. Go with the flow, don't promise a damn thing. A woman and a man can promise commitment and all that Jazz, but you don't know what's down the road. It happens naturally. Detach from such expectations and enjoy the relationship. No one knows, no matter what anyone says, on what happens in a years time. You might get dumped or you might dump the guy after all that talk of exclusivity, long-term commitment. You might marry and after 5 years, see a friend and filter, cheat and marry the friend. "But you were the one who said commitment, love for always, we are on, together and forever. What the heck happened?" "Well, I fell in love with someone else. It just happened." "Just happened? Yeah right." You're playing with fantasy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I agree. On this point you are my LS soul sister Sometimes I really wish I were better at making do with something merely sensible. It would make my life much easier and more comfortable. But anytime I've tried anything like that, I just feel like I'm living a lie. I cannot wait till the day when you and I both are gushing about the true love we finally found Guys! I met a guy at a concert last night ! I think this is going to be gush worthy! Berlin guy and this guy are the only guys I've felt this for so far in my dating life. My advice: only have dates with men who make you grin all day like an idiot. don't settle for less! . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Also - Eternal... I think you sort of know better than to be asking yourself these questions. It doesn't take long at all for a man who is really into you to "want to stop seeing other people" The sort of slow burn whereby it takes several dates just to figure out if you even wish to stop seeing other people, isn't YOU. I think you just wanted to hear people outline their views so you could just reiterate how much you DISAGREE! I am loving life and I love men and dating even though I go against he grain and wait for a notebook worthy romance! What we do is just fine, done listen to people on this thread who try to tell you to do it their way.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 The main problem is that I know so many couples that started casual and the guy was lukewarm....and now few years down the line they are married. That's when I start to question myself because I ended so many dating situations when a guy was on the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) Imo, you want this too badly. I dont want to date a guy who is lukewam about me. I know for sure I don't wanna marry a guy who feels lukewarm about me. I just want to be happy. This is not about other people, ES. This is about you. How do you want to be loved ? How do you want to live your life? What makes YOU happy? Take the time to explore those questions. I feel you're so scared of ending up alone, that you're willing to settle for any guy who wants to be around you. And after a while, if he does, you still dump him, because he's not making you happy... why don't you start right, for once. Start with yourself. F*ck the social pressure. Right now you think the worst thing that can happen to you is to end up alone. Well... you already are alone !! Is it that bad? Are you miserable? You know what the worst situation is? Ending up with a guy who is wrong for you. Who makes you miserable... Stop running. Edited November 23, 2014 by candie13 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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