Tomorrow is going to be a tough day...

[Pickmeup]

Well it's time for me to take back control of my life, feeling like a complete mug.

 

6 months now I have lived in just a room at my parents home, whilst my ex H who wanted "space" has lived in our rented home (I left as we couldn't afford 2 properties and living with my folks rent free!). If I asked to split our business income 50/50 he could not afford to live in our home. Again, my choice to accept this situation and it was in the hope that we would work on and see if we could salvage our marriage and 20 years together.

 

Our marriage had got in a rut, intimacy practically non-existent for which he blames me and felt hurt and lonely but he had forgotten to make some effort in making his wife feel needed and wanted. The way he spoke to me most of the time didn't make me feel particularly sexy or want him in that way! things we should have and could have worked out.

 

2 years ago, however, a client of ours came onto him. She knows me (was my hairdresser!) and said to him that I need never know. She is married with 3 kids and at the time she came onto my H she was shopping for a wedding dress to go and renew her wedding vows!! Which she did just 4 months later. Her H never new about any of this and I never had it out with her - reasons to do with our business and we also didn't want to cause grief or split her family up. My H told me, he never went there and was adamant and a bit distraught that she even thought that way.

 

I, however, now believe that was possibly the start of my H's thought process, hitting his midlife crisis, another woman found him attractive. 2 years since passed this woman was around a lot, almost stalked my H and it did cause grief. Her and her friend giggling like school children if they ever bumped into us when were out, not talking to us if we were together but if my H was on his own they would always speak to him.

 

What hurts now is, everyone thinks my H is seeing her. He is adamant they are just friends going through the same thing and he is free to see who he wants. She incidentally left her H in March this year. My H asked for space in May this year.

 

Turns out, I have heard, that my H is definitely seeing her a lot, been to the cinema, a walk on the beach, been out with her and her 3 kids. And that's all I know about, I haven't confronted my H on this (yet), he hasn't told me this her ex H has. She also assures her ex they are just "friends going though a similar traumatic time in their lives". Yet they are not openly being friends, they sneak around which makes the gossips worse!

 

Even if they are just friends am I wrong to feel this is disrespectful to me, the woman who he knows I have had issues with for the last 2 years because of what she tried to do and now he is befriending and confiding in her and making no effort whatsoever to reconcile our marriage.

 

Her H is equally distraught and such a nice guy, he knows nothing about the "come on" she gave my husband years ago and he is actually feeling like my H is the home wrecker!.

 

This is all so hurtful and I cannot believe my H has chosen her to be his rock at this time out of all the friends he could have picked, why her!!???

 

So tomorrow I am finally going to ask him "what does he expect from me?"

 

I am:

 

Living in one room at my parents house, he gets a 2 bed house.

 

I get an allowance of our earnings, he gets the rest to pay for the house etc.

 

We still run our business together but I have taken on more client's than him in the last 6 months when I have been at rock bottom, he has taken on none.

 

I was prepared to do this to give him space and now that's it, I don't think I deserve to be treated like this. Yet why do I feel so bad that when I speak to him tomorrow about it, it will mean he has to give notice on our home to move out and he cannot afford anywhere??!!! I know he will break down in tears too...which will make me feel even worse. Complete MUG I am.

 

Wish me luck...I need to be strong for tomorrow!

[Day.One]

They're not 'just friends'. But you knew that, didn't you.

 

Best case scenario, the skank jumped onto a vulnerable guy recently separated and thinking with his 'little brain' before he had a chance to get himself together.

 

But I doubt it. It's more likely this has been going on longer than you think.

 

 

And you know what you need to do. You just have to find the strength to do it.

 

It's time to look out for #1. Go 180, demand 50/50, get what's owed you. Financially anyway. So he loses the rental? So what. He fking around on you with some skank. Stop being 'nice'. GET ANGRY!

[Justanaverageguy]

It's time to look out for #1. Go 180, demand 50/50, get what's owed you. Financially anyway. So he loses the rental? So what. He fking around on you with some skank. Stop being 'nice'. GET ANGRY!

 

Agree except for the angry part. Don't get angry - just stand up for yourself. You are being a pushover. Allowing him to treat you like dirt. He is off having a relationship living in the house you shared and kicking you to the curb - and you are allowing him to.

 

Don't get angry - don't scream and shout. Just end the nonsense, file for divorce and demand what your entitled to. Stop being a passenger and a victim. Turn the tables and take control of the situation.

[Day.One]

JAAG is right. I mis-spoke. By "Angry" i meant to feel that which is currently trapped inside you. You know he's fking around, you know you're being a doormat. You know you need to move on.

 

Open that trapdoor. Let it all out. Scream and shout.... BUT not in his presence. Do it at home. Punch pillows, go out in the back yard and SCREAM. Acknowledge what you know is being held back. Once you release it, you'll be able to proceed with what needs to be done.

[Pickmeup]

Yes thank you both. I know you are both right. I have to do it for myself and my own self worth.

[Toodaloo]

Good Luck.

 

For goodness sake woman stand your ground. You deserve FAR better than this. He can't even be arsed to pull his weight at work while you bust a gut to pay both your wages which then he takes most of! What a free loader!

 

SOD THAT.

 

Get what you are entitled to and get the heck away from him pronto.

 

Also get to the doctor and get yourself checked. If this is how he has been behaving its best to be sure.

[GoBlue]

A separation is a legal document done through the court system which sets the parameters of your relationship while apart - support, child visitation, etc. My primary advice to you is to run out and purchase the book Love Must be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you specific advice on how to approach your husband and what should happen when you meet with him. The feelings you have regarding him seeing this other woman are normal because there is a big difference between "giving him space" and giving him permission to see other people.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am:

 

Living in one room at my parents house, he gets a 2 bed house.

 

I get an allowance of our earnings, he gets the rest to pay for the house etc.

 

We still run our business together but I have taken on more client's than him in the last 6 months when I have been at rock bottom, he has taken on none.

 

I was prepared to do this to give him space and now that's it, I don't think I deserve to be treated like this. Yet why do I feel so bad that when I speak to him tomorrow about it, it will mean he has to give notice on our home to move out and he cannot afford anywhere??!!! I know he will break down in tears too...which will make me feel even worse. Complete MUG I am.

 

Wish me luck...I need to be strong for tomorrow!

 

Like most selfish people, your husband has only used the "space" you've given him to be...

 

...more selfish. Surprised?

 

You choices are simple - continue to enable his acting out or take control of your life and your future. Up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pickmeup]

I am just so devastated, hurt. The pain just seems to get worse, how can somebody you have known for 20 years suddenly be so removed from you, I don't want to fall out with him, I don't want things to turn bitter and nasty.

 

When I talk to him though he gets so defensive - fed up with how everyone feels and treats him and assumes that he and this other woman are seeing each other. He says he has not support network. I told him he doesn't help himself by choosing her as a friend and by sneaking around. I really feel the anger from him and I have done nothing wrong, I cannot help what people say but I get the backlash as he vents his frustration. He isn't a monster, he is a nice kind, caring man and I know you will all think I am nuts but it really breaks my heart to hear him and to know the pain he is in too. He doesn't deserve people's venom.

 

The evening, however, didn't go as planned. I called in on my way back from work to talk and he wasn't in. I rang him, he did sound cagey but I was deceitful myself and didn't tell him I was at the house so knew he was out! We talked about the evenings stats for work and then I asked what he was up to, he said he wasn't doing a lot, sat watching TV. I still have keys for our home so went in, the curtains had been left as he always leaves them if he doesn't plan on coming home that night. Unfortunately, then I was not in a good place in my head but I rang him again and said "do you want to come clean with me" this obviously put his back up straight away and he was very defensive - he said I suppose you assume I am with her, apparently he wasn't he was with his mate Sam. That's when I got his backlash of how fed up he is of everyone gossiping and he is just trying to get over our split.

 

I want to believe him but with all the gossips and little things that happen I get so suspicious. She only lives round the corner I noticed her car was out too so she could also have been with them.

 

I actually said I don't want to talk about her. I am more interested in us and asked why had he lied about what he was doing when clearly he was out. He managed to turn the tables and made me feel bad for doubting him.

 

My head just keeps spinning and I feel I am letting this consume my life - it sucks.

[GirlStillStrong]

It sounds to me like this man has moved on and you are just waiting in the wings for ... something ... IDK what. You are trying to talk to him about things he does not want to talk about, that is, the relationship. That is why he is getting angry. You are not on the same page and he is not telling you what you need to hear to be able to move on. He is faking it for some reason, hiding the truth, and that is going to make you crazy if it hasn't already.

[Pickmeup]

Yes that's fine but he is currently not facing up to his decision and making an effort to sort his old life...so we can both move on!

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes that's fine but he is currently not facing up to his decision and making an effort to sort his old life...so we can both move on!

 

Yes, I have seen this happen before. They just run away, stop paying bills, leave everything behind. IDKY they do this. Maybe they just can't handle the mess they made.

[GirlStillStrong]

Just thought of something else though. You need to really do some thinking about what you want. NOT what you DON'T want, but what you really want for your life. What does your future look like if you could have your ideal? Is he in that picture or not? Because if he's just left everything and run off with this woman, it may be only a matter of time before she gets tired of him and he wanders back your way, trying to claim his rights or whatever. Do you really want this guy in your life?

[Pickmeup]

My head is so muddled right now I cannot work out what I want.

 

I saw him last night and he is a broken man. He feels overwhelmed with everything and alone.

 

I gave him every opportunity to tell me if he is seeing her and he didn't. He, however, couldn't/wouldn't tell me where he stayed out on Friday night...he said he never slept with anyone and it didn't matter where he was. I pushed it said you are probably not telling me cos you don't want to hurt me but I am already hurt. Why can't you tell me? He just went quiet and held back his tears. I just don't get it? I told him this doesn't help my imagination when it comes to the other woman if he is not honest with me what conclusion does he expect from me.

 

I put my point across. That we need to sort the financial situation, he cannot afford to live there if we split our business income. I was paying to keep a roof over his head etc. Again, it destroys him to know that I am living how I am, he is not proud about the situation.

 

Please believe me guys you didn't see him, he is not in a good place, he feels alone, overwhelmed, and how can I pull the rug from under his feet. He is/does look out for me...although I told him he doesn't have to look after me anymore that's my job I can look after myself.

 

I feel I am the strongest one out of us both at the moment. He is crushed, even though he chose the situation he is not the bad man, he cannot help how he felt about our marriage or me. He is gutted too that it didn't work.

 

I don't feel I can abandon him, kick him out. He is still my husband on paper, he is lost - okay he doesn't want me. I asked him if we could try going on a date - he said no.

 

So I accept our marriage is over but its just all so sad and to see him so down and upset and broken is unbearable. :-( :-(

 

He did say he would look for a job to do alongside our evening work.