Broke up 7 times with same guy...

[talie20]

Im 20 and dating a guy who lives in the same apartment building as I do and has the same major in the same college Im attending. We were together for a year and have broke up ~7x (him:1 me:6).

 

Ive had serious problems with depression independent from him. He's had some minor problems with stress related headaches and rashly decided to take the rest of the school year off. He makes rash decisions like this, which was the reason he broke up with me after our first two months.

 

He went home when I said I needed him and even after I ended up in the hospital for severe depression. I tried communicating fairly and in a calm manner. All I got back from him was cursing and him getting angry.

 

So, I broke up with him for the 7th time because I didn't know how to get through to him and felt hurt and abandonned at school. Sometimes he takes care of me and sometimes he leaves me to take care of myself. Basically, its been described as me leaning on a pillar of sand.

 

We were in a serious relationship where we planned on so many things: marrying, having kids, etc. Although sometimes Im skeptical, he's described us as soulmates and sometimes we do get along that well. He tells me how he's sure about us and that he wants to marry me in the future. We spent almost everyday of the year that we've been together either living together or as neighbors.

 

On the negative side, man can we yell at each other now. We have been fighting consistently because we dont know how to peacefully communicate with each other.

 

Now I broke up with him, but I still love him and part of me wants to still be with him. I dont see how I can be with him if we cant communicate though. I think I hurt him by breaking up with him and he wont return my calls or emails.

 

Sometimes I wait awhile and he will call begging to be with me again, saying he'll do anything. Bottom line: I like to talk about issues btwn us and he doesnt. How can we get peace with each other? Could we even be together with this communication problem? I really want to work through things, but dont know how. Please help!

[ChristineNL]

I broke up with my bf a dozen of times too.. He also curse and yell al ot.

Guys like him r immature!

But yea i know u want to be with him..

 

U can try talk to him when he's in a good mood when ur in a cafe or somewhere else in public where u can talk. This way he will hold his temper and not yell at you i hope.. Or write him a letter! Tell him how u feel.. Its more personal than an email..

My boyfriend doesnt like to talk about our relationship like most guys.. This way i try to communicate with him. It usually works better than on the phone or at his/my place.

 

Good Luck!

[talie20]

Thanks Christine.

 

Yeah, I've tried to talk to him in public places before, but its usually a quieter version of the cursing. And at our university apartment complex everyone knows us as the couple who yells a lot.

 

He still hasnt called me in ~4 days, not even as a friend who cares about my well being physically or mentally. And he was with me when I was in the hospital...he saw how bad off I was, but said that he was here for me.

 

I sent him an email reccently saying that even if we are not romantically connected we should still be able to have closure either way and end or work through things peacefully. I said that we didnt have to talk to each other later even, but that I would appreciate closure after everything that has passed between us. I didnt see your post before I wrote him, plus we first communicated through email when we first dated (even though we lived on the same floor).

 

I just cry a lot now. I dont know how to make the hurt stop and I cant go home to soak my wounds until I finish meeting with professors to wrap up the quarter, so I dont get into trouble academically. I am trapped in pain until Friday it seems...to you it may not seem far away, but its pretty agonizing and lengthy for me.

 

Im afraid how long I will be in this rut if I dont get closure from him. And I feel even worse because I am not sure if it would even be healthy to be with him now. Especially, since I feel like I miss him so much and cry whenever I see things that remind me of him (which is pretty much everything). I feel stupid about still wearing the necklace he gave me, but I cant seem to take it off yet.

 

More advice, please :*(

[talie20]

Okay...I finally got to talk to him this morning and we are supposed to talk over the phone later today. I know that this will not get to anyone in time to reply, but oh well. I was just thinking that even if you are in love with someone, that it doesnt necessarily mean that you can be together. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, but I dont know if its the healthiest thing to get back together now, since we have had so many breakups. My mom is semi-pressuring me to get rid of him. I, on the other hand, dont really feel like it and told her that. I dont know what I want. Im hurt from him and a lot of times we have communication issues. But then when we broke up last week...I couldnt think about anything but him...I even dream of him. That made me cry and feel sick so much. I couldnt eat or sleep very well at all. I dont know whether we should get back together or not, since I feel so bad away from him...

 

Help

[ChristineNL]

Hey sorry for the late reply! Im not online very often :S

I know u really want to be with this guy but sometimes just love isnt enough..

I think u know that he is not the one.. I know its hard to break.. I dont really know what to say.. im un a ****ty position myself But hey do u have msn? maybe we can chat sometime

[DeaconFrost]

talie, I feel for ya girl. I've JUST got out of the same situation with my ex girl and it hurt like hell. We broke up five times (my choice) and we were always arguing too (although we were real courteous...we had "discussions" ) Although in my case she didn't like talking about the problems and how to fix them. I wanted to talk right away so we could fix the problem and move on. Funny huh? I'm probably one of the few guys that likes to talk. I hate problems and I hate letting them go unsolved.

 

Anyway, just because your hurting and missing your bf does not mean that you should dive back into the relationship. Believe me, if I had done that I'd be back in my relationship again because I miss her terribly. But you have to remember that there is a reason you tried to call it quits so many times. You gotta think about yourself sometimes. You may love the person deeply, but you probably know deep down inside that something is just not right and that it is just not working the way you need it to to be happy. Its better to end the pain and deal with the breakup than it is to keep diving in a situation that causes you three times as much mental anguish. At least that is my perspective.

 

Trust me, this back and forth stuff is absolute s**t. I know it hurts a ton cause it tears my heart everyday. But you gotta do what's best for yourself if it is just not right. Its like my friend told me..."you guys broke up five times too many." If its meant to be, it'll work and it would have worked if that was the case in this instance. In retrospect I think it is fair to say that a relationship can have only one breakup. It can happen that people just get caught up in external problems and forget what is happening in their relationship. But, after that you seriously have to question whether that relationship is really right. If your breaking up that many times it's kinda obvious what the outcome is. Leave it alone and move on. Its okay if you find out that your just not compatable. It happens. That's just part of life. Take care and stay strong

[ChristineNL]

I agree..... Its so hard though

[DeaconFrost]

I know...sometimes it just feels like your insides are burning. Its some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I know it sounds strange because I'm the one who kept breaking up with her. But, its like I said...sometimes you just don't have a choice. You love them sooooo much, but for whatever reason it just isn't able to be consistently happy and enjoyable. My head was going to explode if I didn't walk away.

 

Believe me, if there was a way I could be reassured that no matter what, this time, it would work out and I'd been endlessly happy when it did. If someone said that and handed me an instruction manual to fixing it I'd jump in before my next heart beat. But that hasn't happened (because of all the times I went back) and it's not going to happen because whatever the other person needs does not completely come natural to the significant other to give. Reality is so hurtful sometimes but its what you need to move on and what you need to learn.

 

I'll be hurting for a while I'm sure. But like the famous passage goes: "It is better to have loved than to never have loved at all."

[talie20]

Sorry I havent replied. I moved back home for awhile to clear my head, since there were a lot of outside problems in my life as well.

 

Thanks for all of the advice and sympathetic stories. I feel better knowing Im not the only one, but its too bad it has to happen to other people too. Misery loves company, I guess.

 

You may think I am stupid, but I am still with this guy. Things have calmed down a lot since other outside problems in my life have cooled down as well. I guess I wanted to give it a chance and not make the decision to stay together or not during the climax of an argument. My head hasnt been clear for awhile and I wanted to make the decision at a time when I can think.

 

As for break ups, it has been awhile since they have happened. I know this doesnt mean its forever, but I am just going to see what happens for now.

 

I really do care for him. He did say one thing that I was happy about...that no matter what he still wanted us to be a part of each others lives no matter what our relationship status was. Im not sure how that would work since just being friends would hurt like hell at first, but I would like that to work out if we did break up.

 

I hope all is well with the both of you.

 

Thanks so much.