Almost had her back, Did I? Will I?

[JustSad]

Hello.

I have read a lot around this section of forum and today finally decided to post my long story

to find some help. It will be long as i need to vent. Sorry

 

My gf of 3.5years dumbed me 2,5 months ago.

Reasons: me being too clingy, too yelous, over analyzing things, i guess routine was one of

reasons as well as taking each other for granted, she was having tough time at work.

 

 

Relationship was superb, lived together for last 2.5 years, bought apartment in jan/feb.

We rarely fought and if we had some problems we always managed to go through them

and discuss them so it was very mature relationship.

We connected very well and always considered other opinions etc.

 

 

We had issues about money as she is really good looking and likes to shop a lot but we

were trying to decorate apartment so i felt as i had to save all the money for that while

she was cloth shoping.

 

At the begginning lf relationship she was clingy towards me and i learned the patterns from

there thereafter i became clingy and once she got new job made new girlfriends to hang out from

there it started to get on her nerves yet i failed to give her enough of her time so it all lead to her leaving me.

 

After her leaving me:

First week i promised changes, called begged the normal stuff but as it wasnt helping i

figured i leave her alone she starts missing me cuz i knew she had had wonderful time with me.

 

 

First month she came by once every week to discuss how we share the stuff we had bought

together etc (that was the reason she gave me at least) yet we always ended up talking

about **** i did wrong and **** she did wrong. Its a 2 way street and she told me from start

its not only me that was to blame.

Ofc. During those convos the i love you but not in love you words were thrown in.

 

I asked after every week for first month when she came by if theres a chance for us in future

she sayd no the train has left station and she has thought me a lot and i have thought her

a lot and we need to use those new knowledges to work for us in future lifes but the chapter of us is over.

 

I was devastated ofc started going therapy as i also am very insecure and wanted to

boost that (thats also one of reasons in breaking up as insecurity makes you jelous ofc.

 

Well the weeks pass she still contacts me at least once a week just to see how am i doing,

coming by etc. Once she came by without telling me in advanced ended up guddling

with me in bed. Ofc it all gave me ****load of hope and i was living on hope but still maintaining

LC without me never starting it. Im proud i managed it as i actually was really having

toughest time of my life.

 

 

So 7 weeks from break up she starts talking me bit more via the messenger. One day i get

back from gym (yes started going gym just to get my mind off the thing-not really helping

imo, while pushing the weights u can easily continue analyzing the relationship, but its good

for body im in best shaoe of my life atm)

Anyway 7 weeks from the break up she txts me more and the one day i get back from gym

i read "i miss it" ofc i ask what. And is she olaying with my feelings. She then turns says

its just moment of weakness i should forget it. I ask if she has lot of those missing me

moments she says quite a few per week yes. I asked if she want to ignore them for rest

of life or plans on doing smthing? She says we should cook a dinner at the end of week.

 

Ofc im happy. Smiled first time in 7 weeks! She gets sick and her doc says no going out

at end of week. She lets me know about it the day we supposed to meet. Instead she

invites me over for breakfast. I go, we eat we chat. For 6 hours. I ask if she wants to

come by later before leaving she says no she is exchausted of the relationship talk etc.

I go home, hour later she calls to pick her up. I go pick her up we come to our old home

we cuddle we end up having sex. To me it caused lot of guilt, i even felt as she was no

longer on top stand in the pedestal and even if it doesnt work out i can move on. These feelings changed back to the i want her back in few days tho.

 

 

Next week we talk more, we talk about stuff like theres lot of ppl who have broken up

ended back together etc. Sometimes its neccessary in order to ppl change theyr bad

habbits etc. At the end of next week she comes by we have sex again twice. Feels good.

She tells she still cares for me and we talk a lot about what and how we should do different.

 

 

 

We had a tickets for 3 week holiday bought at the beginning of year when everything

was still perfect. We planned having addition to our family at the trip by having first baby

made there etc. After breaking up i asked if she still want to come to trip. The answer was

no and i should try to sell her ticket. I found friend who was supposed to buy the ticket but these

plane tickets are unchangeable so i still had the tickets, after we started to reconnect

i asked if she want to go holiday with me again and she told yes she will come to see if we can work things out there.

 

 

 

So she acted warm from week 7-9, then out of sudden she again started acting colder and

Pushing me away again keeping longer distance. Ofc im back to the really devastated

stage as i dont understand whats going on. Its been like this for 1.5 weeks now. 2 days

ago she called cryed half the time. Sayd she is so confused and emotionally down.

Told she was so sure she want to fix things and we can do it and now again not sure we

can manage it etc etc. Says she cares a lot for me and has feelings for me but doesnt want

to let me down if we cant fix it during holiday. Holiday starts in 1 week.

 

 

 

I asked why she started showing cold shoulder again (we been talking messenger

daily about trio etc) she told she had to do it because she started feeling suffocated again.

That everything started again too fast, the sex and the conversations etc. I started asking

again what she was doing etc as if we were together yet we arent and she wants to

have the alone time until holiday to figure some stuff out and she wants to see there where

we at and how we click after the seperation.

I told i

understand, told her her green light was indication to me that we start fixing it now and so

i got confused about her pushing me away again going dates with few other guys (just talking

dining as she says and i trust her. She just wants to get mind off of stuff like that.

She also told she told them all she is unavailable as she is nkt out of old relationship yet

and not sure if will etc)

 

 

So anyway she pushed me away again, havent talked her today not sure if i will i need to

wait for her contact. Past has shown me every time i give her space she starts contacting

more and clings to me more. I know she wants to

Come and

will come holiday to see how and if we can work it out. Its just hard for me to give her the

time she needs before it.

 

 

 

So any opinions? I dont believe in no contact.

Therapy lady told me if i could let her go she would

most likely come back but i just cant let go.

My head is analyzing every sentence she says so badly.

 

 

 

2 days ago i asked what she sees in future say in 5 years. She told she sees us together with

children etc so she still sees future with us but is nit sure about it at same time.

 

Should i just give her the time or at least as much of it as i can for next 10 days until holiday.

There has to be some convo as theres lot to discuss about the trip still-hotels etc. But i can

stop asking what she is doing and with who etc u til holiday. Would it help a bit.? Helped a lot when

i did it first time.

 

 

 

Sorry for long post but i still feel as i left lot unsayd, hope few of u can read it and give some advice.

Please feel free to ask additional details as im sure i forgot some.

 

 

 

Oh and how am i supposed to act on a holiday. Im sure niw she will try to act colder at start see how much of her feelings arise. If it was few weeks ago or we didnt connect so much as have sex few weeks ago i would of expected bit heavier connection on holiday but now im not sure how to even act.

Edited November 13, 2014 by JustSad

[JustSad]

Ok i kinda thought she might be angry on me again for asking too much questions etc.

Was going to Not contact her today but she called, ssounded good asked some stuff bout my day and talked few things about holiday etc.

But i got my daily dose of communication with her so thats good.

[SteveDC]

Hello, JustSad, and welcome to LoveShack! I'm sure you'll find lots of useful information regarding what could potentially help you figure this whole situation out.

 

To me it sounds like you two have a lot of things still connecting you and keeping each other around. You had mentioned that you felt good because "you got your daily dose of her". It's clear neither of you have fully let go of each other, and are still in contact quite lot. She's clearly made up her mind about wanting to end the relationship. Whether that ends up being a permanent thing or not, is not something you can control right now. You two just broke up, and getting back together now (even if she wanted to), isn't the best thing for either of you. What both of you need right now is SPACE.

 

I'm not exactly sure why you don't believe in No Contact? Do keep in mind, that NC doesn't mean you'll never talk to her again, it simply means YOU'RE not the one reaching out to her. No contact is also important in a time like this, because it allows you to focus on yourself, and not define yourself as her boyfriend, but rather the person you are WITHOUT her. I believe that two people can help define each other and somewhat complete each other, but you still need to be able to stand on your own two feet without her. Since this breakup is still somewhat fresh, it's hard to do something like that, which I understand. That being said, you need to let her have her space, think about what/where she's going, and ultimately let her decide if she misses you in time (I know it's hard). If you really want to attract her back, up your game without her in your life. Go out, meet people, see people, enjoy your life and stop worrying if she's going to date other guys (chances are, she probably is), but that doesn't mean she loves them or thinks of them the way she does/did you.

 

No Contact allows both of you space, and time to think about what you want. If you keep clinging to her and wanting that daily dose, you're not allowing her time to miss what she had with you, and ultimately have her come potentially crawling back.

[JustSad]

Ty Steve for a reply!

Yes its been good to read all those threads around here and i find LS very nice place to be at this point. Been lurking around for month for now.

 

Yes we definately have something connecting us and keeping each other around still. She does say she still has feelings fir me as well but wants to be sure we dont get back together on wrong reasons. Wrong reasons being : comfortable life, my caring nature (preping food happily daily, driving her around etc), im well educated guy with good salary so i can provide and she wants to be sure its not what she already is missing but its me only.

 

Well, i dont believe in no contact as i think it just would make her angry if i start ignoring. I did not initiate any contact until i heard from her telling she misses it all.

 

Yes i know it is hard and it must be but to me its unbareable unfortunately. If it was any easyer i would of not checked to therapy by myself etc.

If the holiday turns out to be good and we connect again she has agreed to go couples therapy ofcourse.

Holiday will be almost 4 weeks on very tropic place so i hope it gives us fresh breathing mb and an opportunity to start fresh.

If it feels too soon and she still is uncertain after trip i will try giving her space again, continue with my gym, therapy, work and just improve myself.

 

Im quite good looking guy but i dont have female friends as i focus on 2 females at time. Mother and girlfriend. So for me going some dates etc is out of question for until im totally over and someone walks into my life unexpectedly. After last breakup (4year relationship) it took me bit over year to get over and there was no communication between us whatsoever.

 

But im honest, im not going to give up. I know my flaws and i work on them non stop. She has understood that im working on stuff as is she. So ye i hope one day we can be couple again.

 

Ty again Steve it was good post by you. I know you are correct about the space and the defining the person im without her part. Just not sure if i can do it as i cant let go of her. Could it be done while being with her if i get a chance? What you say sounds bit similar to therapy lady. She told i need to let go. If i can let go she will be back. And if i learn to let go iv discovered myself.

.stop worrying if she's going to date other guys (chances are, she probably is), but that doesn't mean she loves them or thinks of them the way she does/did you.

That is well said! Actually made me feel better. She told similar thing but i just overanalyze things and overthink it all so i turn good stuff into bad thoughts in my head. For example: her not talking to me a day i can make my mind think she must be in spa with new guys thats why she doesnt call. And few h later she can easily call say she helped her mither clean house all day etc. Can u imagine the exchaustion it causes me?

 

Dont trouble trouble before trouble troubles you right? If i could only follow it.

Edited November 13, 2014 by JustSad