Confused48 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I'm sorry to rain on your parade of happy reconciliation but don't put so much faith on her yet. She is in shock from being caught out having her fling. She never wanted to lose you. She just wanted a side piece to supplement you. While in the shock of being caught, she will be on her Best behavior. She probably even believes it is genuine herself. She really does not want to lose you. However, once some time has passed, all the things about you that she finds boring, the things she hates, the itches you can't scratch, they will come back. Her fear of losing you will subside. How long do you think she can be on her best behavior? I'm not saying she will cheat again. That is too jaded of a view point for me. I do think she will become dissatisfied. Maybe cheat again. At the very least, you have a problem on your hands. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) Yeah look on paper everything you just said great, but really just reading your latest entry..it just seems like this is all going to end badly. The OP seems hellbent on ignoring the various red flags going on, so at this point there isn't much anyone else can do. I hope she is sincere, even if everything I've read in this topic tells me there is a good chance she is not. Edited February 14, 2015 by Spectre 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 However, once some time has passed, all the things about you that she finds boring, the things she hates, the itches you can't scratch, they will come back. Her fear of losing you will subside. How long do you think she can be on her best behavior? So in other words, they'll have the ebbs and flows of a normal relationship ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 So in other words, they'll have the ebbs and flows of a normal relationship ??? Mr. Lucky That is not the natural ebb and flow of a normal relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 That is not the natural ebb and flow of a normal relationship? It seems Mr. Lucky's point was that yes, this would be representative of the normal ebb and flow of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Trotters Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 you're right money won't change things it only makes it worse after ww has had all the trips to the hair salon, shopping, margaritas with your girlfriends the loneliness comes back in. I think that his wife is sorry that she hurt her husband and she's probably angry at who she has become and hasn't come to grips with that yet but sooner or later she'll come out of the closet. WW will become much more savvy in the art of camouflage. Are you suggesting shes only staying for the "perks"???. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 It takes a very big and kind hearted person to forgive an affair . OP, you seem well balanced in your approach and your wife seems truly remorseful. Well done on the progress you've made and I hope it continues to go well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 It takes a very big and kind hearted person to forgive an affair . OP, you seem well balanced in your approach and your wife seems truly remorseful. Well done on the progress you've made and I hope it continues to go well. Look, there is a huge difference between having a big heart and being naive and willing to let your spouse walk all over you. You say the wife seems remorseful..could be she is just remorseful she wasn't more careful and got caught. It's less about having a big heart and more about ignoring all those warning signs. To give an example, I'm sure everyone here has driven a car and we are all familiar with all the little warning lights on cars they have to signal to you the variety of things that can go wrong. The OP is doing the equivalent of having every single one of those lights not only on, but flashing..and yet still continuing to drive the car like nothing is wrong and then being very shocked when the car finally breaks down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Are you suggesting shes only staying for the "perks"???. Yes! If I offer food to my cat and dog they will always come for the food if they're hungry. When I was a kid my entire family which included all the aunts & uncles as well as the grandparents would go into the mountains for a religious retreat that lasted for one week it was mostly sermons that lasted all day. Anyway my parents and grandparents were gracious to let our cousins eat with us. Eventhough they chose not to associate with us, yet everyday like clockwork they'd arrive to eat. Many times my brother and I ran into them with their friends only to be ostracized and ridiculed but come dinner time thay'd be at our cabin to eat. My xWW was no different twice a year we traveled to our time share, we owned an apartment on the 42nd floor of a high rise, plus a home in the suburbs. Two vehicles a motorcycle along with a motorboat that wasn't used. While vacationing abroad staying in posh hotels xWW bickered about every little thing from the "starchy bed sheets" to the food. We went to Italy and she whined about the wine; and why didn't we go to Ireland after all she was a beer girl. Then when we went to Ireland she bickered about the ink from the newspaper staining her hands and she wrote a letter of complaint to the newspaper. Two years later she deceived me into letting her attend a high school reunion alone, since it would have been tacky had I accompanied her. What really happened was that XWW and novel lover flew to Mexico stayed in a hostel something that she'd never do with me. On the kitchen table was post card that xWW written to her lover "muscles" in it she raved about the spoilt fruit served at brunch however it was so much sweater because "he" was there. Romantic dinners in Mexico were hotdogs served in the street followed by long walks on the beach. None of which she do with me since her knee couldn't stand a long walk in the shifty sand. Unfortuneatley for xWW Fonzi the biker was a super loser who lived in section 8 housing. For awhile things went smoother after the reconciliation until she realized that the heart wants what the heart wants and it won't be denied. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Look, there is a huge difference between having a big heart and being naive and willing to let your spouse walk all over you. She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. VBM I'd watch out man. If you want a successful reconciliation you're going to have to eventually even out the playing field. I could not do this. If you treat her like she owes you now years down the road she may feel like she paid all her debt and then start to gain resentment toward you again and rinse and repeat what already has happened to mess things up. Next time will be a little different though. When cheaters get caught they adapt to more secretive ways to hide their affair. Scary stuff. Good luck to you and your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. Why not give her a fourth chance one more chance isn't going to mean anything worse than chance #2? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. I'm sorry, but saying "that relationship is dead, this is a new one" is just semantics. It's the same thing, you're just trying to put a new spin on it, but it doesn't actually erase what happened or make this any less of a bad idea. Also, here is my other problem..there should be no "I come first" in a healthy marriage, you realize that right? So might I ask then just what is the point? I totally get why you would want to have that attitude with it, I'm just saying that you are just moving from one unhealthy thing to another. Either you don't realize that is an unhealthy marriage, or you do and are willing to just settle for that anyways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 I'm sorry, but saying "that relationship is dead, this is a new one" is just semantics. It's the same thing, you're just trying to put a new spin on it, but it doesn't actually erase what happened or make this any less of a bad idea. Also, here is my other problem..there should be no "I come first" in a healthy marriage, you realize that right? So might I ask then just what is the point? I totally get why you would want to have that attitude with it, I'm just saying that you are just moving from one unhealthy thing to another. Either you don't realize that is an unhealthy marriage, or you do and are willing to just settle for that anyways. I'm not saying I come first forever, but for now that is what I expect. Maybe it's not healthy but I've put her first for so long I feel like I can ask for that for a while and she is more than willing. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. People in "new" relationships don't live and sleep together. People in new relationships don't pay for their date's housing. People in new relationships don't trust each other until the other one has earned it over time. People in new relationships run when they see this many red flags. You can try to convince yourself that this is a new relationship, but really it's the same old relationship except you know that your wife has a boyfriend now. If you had really wanted a new relationship, you would have taken the time to start over. Now you just have someone who knows they can cheat and get away with minimal consequences. Sure, she has to watch you mope around, but she had already accepted that before she got caught cheating. I think the point you keep missing is that you've set an example for what will happen if she does it again. She has tested your boundaries several times and each time, you failed the test. Do you honestly believe there is a person in the world who thinks that if she gets caught again you will do anything about it? We know what will happen when you finally do bust her again, nada. Why? Because she's already been caught more than once and you didn't do anything about it. I doubt catching her for the 5th time will be some sort of magic dealbreaker for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I'm not saying I come first forever, but for now that is what I expect. Maybe it's not healthy but I've put her first for so long I feel like I can ask for that for a while and she is more than willing. Okay but the problem is you are blatantly not realizing that the entire thing that got you guys in this situation in the first place was one of you having a temporary case of "I come first" mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 She did walk all over me and our marriage. That relationship is dead and in the new relationship I come first. Period. She can do what ever she wants and I'll support it but I'm insisting I come before her in every decision she makes just like she came first in the past. And I'll be watching for all the warning signs as we move forward. There are no third chances. You have to be in the relationship to understand but she seems to be connected and truly happy. I've not seen that in a long time. The time that you are into reconciliation is not enough to truly understand what you actually have in front of you. I am the case study in "there won't be a third chance" but believe me, you've moved your boundary more than once. It's now a moving target that has no real end point. She'll push the boundary, and you'll keep moving it. I know this probably rings hollow for you, but look at how many times you've probably thought "If she does this, THEN we're through." The problem is, you never see the second (or third, or fourth) infraction as bad as the previous ones. The infractions are less because you've become accepting of what is OK with you. And the "you have to be in the relationship to understand" is you not recognizing what is in front of you. No one else understands her but you? I've been there. It should be abundantly clear you are the one who doesn't understand her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 When someone says "you have to be in the relationship to understand" I just take that to really mean "I'm trying to justify continuing an unhealthy relationship". Shockingly, I don't need to of been in a relationship with your wife to know what her cheating on you means. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 My best advice, "Post Nuptial Agreement." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Apparently we're wrong according VBM's grandiosity! The question is how many more persons added to this long list of prognosticars is needed? Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Yeah, I don't think "living like it never happened" has ever been a recommendation, successful approach or even feasible. That's where I sat up and lurched. It happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 At this point, this is just like wanting a car accident happen in slow motion. The OP has blinded himself so much that..it's going to be easy pickings for the wife to betray him again. Link to post Share on other sites
mikethemechanic Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 You're helping or giving requires your dishonesty and somehow compromises your integrity. For example making excuses or covering up your wife's marital affairs speaks of your deception. Maybe your nature is deceptive and dishonest because if you could be dishonest to yourself then that means you could be dishonest to others. It's therefore likely that others may see you as a dishonest person? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 It seems some of you find reconciliation impossible. I've heard a lot of couples say that the old relationship is dead and they are in the new one. I also agree that you have to be in the relationship to know exactly what is going on. I know that reconciliation for some is impossible. I feel I would be one of those people, UNLESS I know in my heart contributed to my H having the affair. Don't forgive blindly, but many couples get passed infidelity and have a happy marriage. You'll never forget the infidelity, but you can heal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VeryBrokenMan Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 I've read many of the stories here and I see that R is tough and most don't work out. I don't have blinders on and neither does she. I'm a lot more OK with divorce today than I was 2 months ago. That is not what I want at this point but I'm ok with the prospects. And I'm not willing to accept anything but a completely happy marriage. She is working on herself, she has taken steps to be financially independent. She has fully admitted to faults in herself. What else do you want from her? I can't change that it happened. I can chose how I respond and right now I choose to be happy and not give her control of my happiness. I could wallow around for years in negative emotions and waste more time but to what end? I'll be the first to admit you guys are right if down the line she cheats again. I get it that R is not for many of you and I get that many of you have tried and failed. But how about you cut me some slack and let me fail? If every time I post here I get bombarded with "She is evil and you should divorce her" talk what good is this site? Maybe some people choose differently for their lives than you did. That's OK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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