Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

From everything I have experienced in counseling... CBT is very good at helping people break out of bad thought patterns.

It really helps me.

 

your wife did not trickle truth you and instead was honest from the get go. I think she probably was relieved to have it over. Also, you actually went 180 much faster than most.

At the time it felt like trickle truth the first couple of months because really inconsequential things came out more slowly. But now that I see everything in the entirety I feel like I got 98% of the hard truth that first day and within minutes of confronting her. I was also skeptical of her statement that she was releived it was over but everything since has convinced me that was true. And at the time it did not feel like the 180 but now I see it was my own version of that. It's funny how things seem so much clearer now than 5 months ago.

 

You may think her being forced to watch you cry is a consequence.

Prior to the affair she saw me cry for two minutes when we were in the hospital ER and had just been told my dad(we were very close) did not survive his heart attack. Two minutes that's all I gave it. That was 20 years ago and I never grieved for him other than that. I did not cry at all when my mother died and she was also close. My wife had never seen me cry other than in that ER until 5 months ago. And now she has endured five months of it and she tells me how much it hurts every time I'm in that kind of emotional pain. So it may not be a consequence to some but her bearing witness to that pain, acknowledging that she caused it and comforting me every time I'm in that pain I'm certain is a terrible consequence for her.

 

But there are other consequences but no I'm not flogging her, divorcing or humilating her publically as others have called for.

[VeryBrokenMan]

She may or may not be remorseful only five months after losing the love of her life.

 

You lost me at that point. You seriously think I'm not the love of her life?

[Mrs. John Adams]

That sounds a lot like sarcasm and I hope I didn't offend you.

 

I'm open to ideas here but please understand that I've been attacked for trying to reconcile by many here and I feel the need to stand firm.

 

I think you had a ONS but what really matters is what I think her affair was and what Mr. JA thinks yours was.

 

it was not sarcasm in the least....you think you have this...and that's all that matters. You did not offend me in any way.

 

What i think is totally irrelevant.

 

although i do wonder why you are here...if you have the answers you need...if you are satisfied...if you both are doing everything right...why are you here?

[SawtoothMars]

It really helps me.

At the time it felt like trickle truth the first couple of months because really inconsequential things came out more slowly. But now that I see everything in the entirety I feel like I got 98% of the hard truth that first day and within minutes of confronting her. I was also skeptical of her statement that she was releived it was over but everything since has convinced me that was true. And at the time it did not feel like the 180 but now I see it was my own version of that. It's funny how things seem so much clearer now than 5 months ago.

Prior to the affair she saw me cry for two minutes when we were in the hospital ER and had just been told my dad(we were very close) did not survive his heart attack. Two minutes that's all I gave it. That was 20 years ago and I never grieved for him other than that. I did not cry at all when my mother died and she was also close. My wife had never seen me cry other than in that ER until 5 months ago. And now she has endured five months of it and she tells me how much it hurts every time I'm in that kind of emotional pain. So it may not be a consequence to some but her bearing witness to that pain, acknowledging that she caused it and comforting me every time I'm in that pain I'm certain is a terrible consequence for her.

But there are other consequences but no I'm not flogging her, divorcing or humilating her publically as others have called for.

 

You know the difference between empathy and sympathy? I think what Mrs.JA was trying to say is that true remorse leans more towards empathy.

 

Perhaps what is most important is that YOU feel she empathizes with you. Chances are at the 5 month mark she probably get's it at least to a degree. The only way to artificially jumpstart this is by you running off and having an affair.... which is not advisable.

[road]

it was not sarcasm in the least....you think you have this...and that's all that matters. You did not offend me in any way.

 

What i think is totally irrelevant.

 

although i do wonder why you are here...if you have the answers you need...if you are satisfied...if you both are doing everything right...why are you here?

 

 

 

 

He needs to vent.

[VeryBrokenMan]

although i do wonder why you are here...if you have the answers you need...if you are satisfied...if you both are doing everything right...why are you here?

 

Indeed. Why am I here?

[KingwoodMan]

Her affair never ended. I'd stake my career on that. I've done this too long. I'm never wrong. They're just being careful. Sorry dude.

[violet1]

Her affair never ended. I'd stake my career on that. I've done this too long. I'm never wrong. They're just being careful. Sorry dude.

Wow I'm sure glad we have an expert here. Not ALL cheaters continue to cheat. That's like saying a teenager who goes and steals a few DVD's will always steal. People do stupid things, sometimes they learn and sometimes they don't.

[KingwoodMan]

Wow I'm sure glad we have an expert here. Not ALL cheaters continue to cheat. That's like saying a teenager who goes and steals a few DVD's will always steal. People do stupid things, sometimes they learn and sometimes they don't.

 

A teenager is a child. Cheaters are adults. They're not going to magically change. Does it happen occasionally? Yes. Is it very rare? Yes. Ask Dr. Harley right here. Cheaters almost always continue to cheat or cheat again when the heat is off.

[turnera]

Actually that is not accurate and I could not edit it. She said not to give advise from strangers that same weight as advise from those who know and love you, ie close family, those with a vested interest.

She's obviously not well versed in how forums like this work.

[fishstar]

VBM, I read your story. I feel that if you want to reconcile it is a good thing and you are doing right thing. I think you are a very strong and good man. You are a bit like my dad.

 

My mom cheated on my him about 15 years into their marriage, and for more than 20 years but they stayed together and have been married 45 years. Some might say this is wrong but it is okay. Dad said that other guy and lawyer would be the only winners, that's why he didn't split the family up. We were kids, it was all very distressing to see what they went through. Said he didn't want us kids to be brought up in broken home. He is a strong believer in family values etc. Now they live together but apart if you know what I mean. They have accepted eachother. May not seem entirely healthy but who is to really know except the two people involved? What I'm saying is the reconciliation is also a viable option. There are so many reasons for it. Some pathetic outsider come and try to spilt apart a couple or family, doesn't mean you have to let them.

 

A friend once advised me that the test of love is not just dancing, going to dinner and walking in park. That the test of love is how you come through the difficult times and struggles, whether long term or short term, together. You have family together which you want to keep intact and should, for your own stabilty and emotional wellbeing, and also for the good of society which is breaking down. I am glad you are both strong and understand what love is. Some people might say it's not true love if there has been cheating. But love is not a feeling, it's a behaviour. Love is growth not giving up. Also relationship psychology is complicated. Now you have forgiven and are going through a process. Both can learn lessons and gain self-awareness. You are being contructive - good. Time will heal the wound. Love only brings more love. Hate only brings more hate. You have a deep bond which you have chosen to keep. I am so happy for you.

Edited March 23, 2015 by fishstar

[Try]

My mom cheated on my him about 15 years into their marriage, and for more than 20 years but they stayed together and have been married 45 years. Some might say this is wrong but it is okay.

"Some might say this is wrong" because it is wrong. It is not OK. It is a soul crusher and teaches his children the wrong lessons on self respect.

 

Dad said that other guy and lawyer would be the only winners, that's why he didn't split the family up. We were kids, it was all very distressing to see what they went through. Said he didn't want us kids to be brought up in broken home.

Your Dad is wrong for trying to rationalize blaming his weakness in not demanding that his wife respect him and their marriage vows on to his children. He stayed married to her as she continued the affair for 20 years, and then he stayed married to her for another 10 in a loveless marriage (based on your description) after that; that totals 30 years. Sorry but the falseness of using the excuse of not wanting to break up the family was exposed when the youngest child turned 18, and the wife was allowed to continue in her affair after that with no consequences. Even if she began the affair on the day the youngest was born, a 20 year affair would have lasted past the youngest tuning 18, and the loveless marriage lasting even longer after that. Do not let him say that he allowed it because of you. Besides he would not have been the one that ended the marriage, as the marriage has been dead for 30 years.

[road]

"Some might say this is wrong" because it is wrong. It is not OK. It is a soul crusher and teaches his children the wrong lessons on self respect.

 

Your Dad is wrong for trying to rationalize blaming his weakness in not demanding that his wife respect him and their marriage vows on to his children. He stayed married to her as she continued the affair for 20 years, and then he stayed married to her for another 10 in a loveless marriage (based on your description) after that; that totals 30 years. Sorry but the falseness of using the excuse of not wanting to break up the family was exposed when the youngest child turned 18, and the wife was allowed to continue in her affair after that with no consequences. Even if she began the affair on the day the youngest was born, a 20 year affair would have lasted past the youngest tuning 18, and the loveless marriage lasting even longer after that. Do not let him say that he allowed it because of you. Besides he would not have been the one that ended the marriage, as the marriage has been dead for 30 years.

 

 

Do not condemn that man for not divorcing his WW. He weighed the good and the bad and made a decision that was best for "HIM". He is not you.

[Try]

Do not condemn that man for not divorcing his WW. He weighed the good and the bad and made a decision that was best for "HIM". He is not you.

He may have a right to do what he thinks is best for him even if most would disagree, but he does not have a right to lay it on his children by falsely using them as his excuse.

[fishstar]

Try - thank but it wasn't just laying it on the kids for the reason he didn't divorce. It was cultural also..divorce taboo in their culture and entire family abroad and in my country would have been devastated; also financial..why should his hard earned money go towards financing their affair - she would have ended up with him (maybe in my dad's house if she got the house), and my dad would have assisted it financially; also in the divorce lawyer would end up a winner and so would that creep of a bloke who destroyed our family. Maybe my dad felt he and us kids would be the only loser. No, it's not game, but he worked hard to build a life for us, why should he not try to keep it together?

 

I do under stand where you're coming from Try, I used to think like you and think it best if they had parted ways. At time I used to want them to divorce because I felt then I would know where I stood. I had friends of divorced parents who seemed bitter but well-adjusted, whereas I was always under stress with the constant turbulence. But as kid I only saw things in black and white, no shades of grey - hate rather than love - hatred for her, hatred for the situation. Hate was easier than love because we hadn't been shown love, and also hard to love people who are behaving irresponsibly and hurting you. Hate consumed me! But only now looking back on it I can understand for above reasons why they didn't divorce. My dad wanted to preserve the family, his cultural norm, his pride. He wanted his kids to have their mother, like VBM does, and not have any outside influence.

 

And Try - yes your calculations are correct, except that kids knew all along and she did suffer the consequences. She had to stay despite not wanting to be there. Living with herself and her actions had made her very depressed. Dad said he protected her from the backlash she would have faced from society and family. But my dad was probably somewhat okay because at least he did not lose his kids, house, everything he worked decades to achieve. He did work away from home in another city for few years, only returning on weekends.

 

Love shows itself in different ways, not just the obvious ones. One form of love is forgiveness, another form is staying together. Sorry if my wording gave the impression they are in a loveless marriage - they're not. They care about eachother, communicate, and do seem like friends. Marriage vows were I think a bit part of it Try. One of the marriage vow in their religion is 'I promise to be lifelong friends/ everlasting companions'. I respect that and hope all people can achieve this. It is not a walk in the park.

 

Anyway sorry let's not get off topic. We are here to help VBM. Wherever he is, I hope he is alright.

Edited March 23, 2015 by fishstar

[road]

He may have a right to do what he thinks is best for him even if most would disagree, but he does not have a right to lay it on his children by falsely using them as his excuse.

 

 

First you say he has the right to do want he wants. Then you throw in the exception unless it is reason you do not approve then it is not ok. That is trying to have it both ways.

[HurtOfGlass]

Try - thank but it wasn't just laying it on the kids for the reason he didn't divorce. It was cultural also..divorce taboo in their culture and entire family abroad and in my country would have been devastated

 

Are you Italian?

[atreides]

 

Dad said that other guy and lawyer would be the only winners, that's why he didn't split the family up. We were kids, it was all very distressing to see what they went through. Said he didn't want us kids to be brought up in broken home. He is a strong believer in family values etc. Now they live together but apart if you know what I mean. They have accepted eachother.

 

What I'm saying is the reconciliation is also a viable option.

 

 

Reconciliation is indeed a viable option, but what you described is not reconciliation. Call it acceptance or "settling" or just living in the "status quo" but whatever you do, don't put what is described above as reconciliation or forgiveness. However, I will agree that "living the status quo" is also an option, not one I advocate but an option nonetheless.

 

A friend once advised me that the test of love is not just dancing, going to dinner and walking in park. That the test of love is how you come through the difficult times and struggles, whether long term or short term, together.

 

 

You have family together which you want to keep intact and should, for your own stabilty and emotional wellbeing, and also for the good of society which is breaking down. I am glad you are both strong and understand what love is. Some people might say it's not true love if there has been cheating. But love is not a feeling, it's a behaviour. Love is growth not giving up. Also relationship psychology is complicated.

 

What "politically" fits for any variable situaiton for one to overcome one's demons or to avoid looking in the mirror vs bastardizing or marginalizing what love is.

 

The love for the context at hand is that of a marriage which means it is bound by two, and not one. Staying for the children can indeed be via a perception i don't agree with in that "the love had for the children" is the price to live in the status quo and so be it. But that is not love for the context of the marriage or any version of it. Love does not have to be "true" for this context but as you stated, "behaved" as such. However as you said " Now they live together but apart if you know what I mean" is not such "behavior."

 

verybrokenman has chosen to reconcile, which is also a behavior that must be done by both, i wish him luck.

[fishstar]

Are you Italian?

 

I could be. Lol. Anyway where is VBM? Has he got tired of the advice? Hope all is well VBM.

[Try]

First you say he has the right to do want he wants. Then you throw in the exception unless it is reason you do not approve then it is not ok. That is trying to have it both ways.

I am not trying to have it both ways. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. famously said "your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins". Apply this concept to what I said, and you will understand where I was coming from when I said "He may have a right to do what he thinks is best for him even if most would disagree, but he does not have a right to lay it on his children by falsely using them as his excuse."

[VeryBrokenMan]

I could be. Lol. Anyway where is VBM? Has he got tired of the advice? Hope all is well VBM.

 

No just grew tired of well meaning advise that is irrelevant to my WW affair so I took a few days off from LS. I apologize to anyone I offended last week with any thoughts. As everyone knows emotions run very high and I'm not immune to letting my emotions control my words.

 

Everyone has a unique situation but there are those here that cannot see that their experience is not my experience. Their WW is not my WW. My reconciliation is working well because I'm not listening to certain advise and I'm making the right decisions at the right time for my situation.

 

To update everyone, I thought I was getting real remorse a couple of month or so ago but it got stronger. And each week that goes by it gets stronger and stronger. My WW told me a couple of days ago she feels like she was in a catastrophic accident that has changed her life forever. Like a paraplegic she feels she has to learn to walk again. She feels like she must recreate herself from the ground up to be a better person that I want in my life. She brings up instances of how selfish and entitled she has been when she thinks of them and she apologizes specifically. She hates herself not only for the selfishness she had but also that she never saw how bad it was. She does not want to be that person. She has told me that I'm a good decent man that did not deserve any of what she did.

 

Reconciling is not easy and I'm not healed but I like where we are headed and I'm 100% committed to the marriage for now. But I have a zero tolerance policy for a lot of things moving forward. She gets that and wants to be in my life and she gets that this second chance is a gift and she is grateful for it.

 

If anyone needs a blueprint for a successful reconciliation I think they could follow this thread. I'm not an expert but seem to be one of the few men here that are able to reconcile and not divorce. Hope I feel the same years from now.

[Try]

Reconciling is not easy and I'm not healed but I like where we are headed and I'm 100% committed to the marriage for now. But I have a zero tolerance policy for a lot of things moving forward. She gets that and wants to be in my life and she gets that this second chance is a gift and she is grateful for it.

I hope that you are right. I really do. Many cheaters say those words, but action long term is greater than words.

 

If anyone needs a blueprint for a successful reconciliation I think they could follow this thread. I'm not an expert but seem to be one of the few men here that are able to reconcile and not divorce. Hope I feel the same years from now.

It is not a blueprint for sure success in reconciliation. It may not even be the best blueprint. But it is a possible blueprint that you are at peace with. Time will tell, and at least you can say that you gave it an honest effort. I wish you well.

[JohnAdams]

VBM, I wish you the best and certainly hope that you have found true reconciliation, and all that matters is that you have found it in your mind. Not what anyone on a forum may think.

 

 

But, I do wonder, certainly when your wife said her wedding vows in front of you, God, your families certainly she promised to be true to you. So, she was not. In such a short time, after breaking her vows, I certainly hope she can now honor them now.

 

 

It is hard to once again trust someone who broke their promise. You seem to have done that and that is all that counts.

[Rainbowlove]

No just grew tired of well meaning advise that is irrelevant to my WW affair so I took a few days off from LS. I apologize to anyone I offended last week with any thoughts. As everyone knows emotions run very high and I'm not immune to letting my emotions control my words.

 

Everyone has a unique situation but there are those here that cannot see that their experience is not my experience. Their WW is not my WW. My reconciliation is working well because I'm not listening to certain advise and I'm making the right decisions at the right time for my situation.

 

To update everyone, I thought I was getting real remorse a couple of month or so ago but it got stronger. And each week that goes by it gets stronger and stronger. My WW told me a couple of days ago she feels like she was in a catastrophic accident that has changed her life forever. Like a paraplegic she feels she has to learn to walk again. She feels like she must recreate herself from the ground up to be a better person that I want in my life. She brings up instances of how selfish and entitled she has been when she thinks of them and she apologizes specifically. She hates herself not only for the selfishness she had but also that she never saw how bad it was. She does not want to be that person. She has told me that I'm a good decent man that did not deserve any of what she did.

 

Reconciling is not easy and I'm not healed but I like where we are headed and I'm 100% committed to the marriage for now. But I have a zero tolerance policy for a lot of things moving forward. She gets that and wants to be in my life and she gets that this second chance is a gift and she is grateful for it.

 

If anyone needs a blueprint for a successful reconciliation I think they could follow this thread. I'm not an expert but seem to be one of the few men here that are able to reconcile and not divorce. Hope I feel the same years from now.

 

I admire your strength, your courage, and your ability to leap forward into the unknown with hope and love in your heart.

 

Your wife is blessed to walk beside you.

 

May each day bring you both closer to healing and peace.

 

RL

[VeryBrokenMan]

I hope that you are right. I really do. Many cheaters say those words, but action long term is greater than words.

 

It is not a blueprint for sure success in reconciliation. It may not even be the best blueprint. But it is a possible blueprint that you are at peace with. Time will tell, and at least you can say that you gave it an honest effort. I wish you well.

 

Blueprint may not be a good term. Maybe just an example of something that worked.

 

I understand fully that cheaters often say those words and don't mean it and my eyes are wide open. But none of you have been there when she says those words to me. And you're not able to see and feel the deep place that it's coming from. I feel it and I'm willing to open my heart to her to see where this goes.

 

Thanks for your wishes!