Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[aliveagain]

 

 

My wife contends the given the right woman and right circumstances that I would cheat on her and I disagree.

 

I strongly disagree with your wife. I have too much respect for the person I am in a relationship with to cheat on them. I would divorce them before I cheated. Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect you can show to the person you claim to love(regardless if you get caught or not). Just think of what she had to do to deceive you for all those months, serious planning was involved. What kind of person does that to the person they brought children into the world with? How fu*ked do you have to be to be able to justify it by saying that cheating is ok because they don't expect to get caught? People die all the time from STD's they contacted by having unprotected sex with people other than their husband or wife, your wife of 31 years is proof, she never used protection. You were put at risk for HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B and all kinds of other menacing things that can end your life. Would you have deserved that too because she never expected to be caught? There have been some on LS that weren't so lucky.

 

Getting caught is not the problem here and you are free to pass my comment on to her because even though I have never met you I respect you for standing up for your family. I truly hope she understands the gift she is receiving from a husband that sat at his desk alone for 4 hours that one morning.

 

I just had to edit this by adding, was that 300 lbs. beer bellied little dick married guy cheating on his wife the right circumstance for her? Really?

Edited April 2, 2015 by aliveagain

[aliveagain]

Sorry, having one of those late nights. We are in the process of selling our company and I have lots going on, I am part of the negotiating team.

 

The one other point I want to make here is look at how many pages of posts are one your thread. Even with all she has done to you, you are still defending her, that's the difference between you and her. This is what she needs to grasp, she's not here to do it herself but you have got her back. When you weren't there to defend yourself with other man she should have had your back.The question that needs to be answered is why that never happened?

[road]

 

 

My wife contends the given the right woman and right circumstances that I would cheat on her and I disagree.

 

I strongly disagree with your wife. I have too much respect for the person I am in a relationship with to cheat on them. I would divorce them before I cheated. Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect you can show to the person you claim to love(regardless if you get caught or not). Just think of what she had to do to deceive you for all those months, serious planning was involved. What kind of person does that to the person they brought children into the world with? How fu*ked do you have to be to be able to justify it by saying that cheating is ok because they don't expect to get caught? People die all the time from STD's they contacted by having unprotected sex with people other than their husband or wife, your wife of 31 years is proof, she never used protection. You were put at risk for HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B and all kinds of other menacing things that can end your life. Would you have deserved that too because she never expected to be caught? There have been some on LS that weren't so lucky.

 

Getting caught is not the problem here and you are free to pass my comment on to her because even though I have never met you I respect you for standing up for your family. I truly hope she understands the gift she is receiving from a husband that sat at his desk alone for 4 hours that one morning.

 

I just had to edit this by adding, was that 300 lbs. beer bellied little dick married guy cheating on his wife the right circumstance for her? Really?

 

 

 

 

I am not a babe magnet, yet.

 

 

Though as in the movie The Fighting 69th. James Cagney as a civilian is always wanting to get into fights. See's himself fearless. WWI comes, in the army, turns coward. He never saw himself turning a coward.

 

 

Now we do not know your babe magnet status. So when a man is faced with one of his favorite actresses works her charms on him will he be able to stand tall?

 

 

I never had a Jennifer Aniston make a move for me.

 

 

Now what would I do?

 

 

Tell her I wouldn't touch her.

 

 

Tell her I wouldn't even touch her with your "stick".

 

 

I'll use my own.

[road]

Sorry, having one of those late nights. We are in the process of selling our company and I have lots going on, I am part of the negotiating team.

 

The one other point I want to make here is look at how many pages of posts are one your thread. Even with all she has done to you, you are still defending her, that's the difference between you and her. This is what she needs to grasp, she's not here to do it herself but you have got her back. When you weren't there to defend yourself with other man she should have had your back.The question that needs to be answered is why that never happened?

 

 

 

 

His WW does not need to post here. She is doing what has to be done in real life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The question that keeps running through my mind every time i read the comments on this thread are... Why are you here posting VBM? You seem to have all the answers you are looking for. Your wife seems to be doing everything absolutely correct. You are doing well. Everything is great. So what is it you are hoping to achieve here?

 

If your wife is giving you everything you need ...has achieved full remorse....and you have forgiven her...then why do you keep posting on this thread explaining the same things over and over and over, justifying everything you say... as others continue to try to convince you that you are indeed not doing everything correctly and things cannot possibly be as good as you say they are? Why do you bother?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Why do you keep waiting? It's been months and months.

 

I've talked at length to a polygraph operator in a larger city where I would like to have the polygraph done. We travel to that city a few times a year and will schedule it for one of those trips. This operator is ex FBI and has been doing them for 35 years. He suggests letting the emotions completely die down before taking the polygraph for the most accurate results.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think you've made your wishes known. I support you. Try to work things out. If you and your wife fail, you can still divorce.

 

Just be aware that a reconciliation is a long term process. It doesn't happen overnight. There will be bad days. But don't make the basic mistake of constantly making your wife feel terrible. That's an easy thing to slip into, but in the end it is a disastrous policy.

 

But you two can rediscover the fun and joy of being together. And trust can grow because you know that for a reconciliation to work you will at some point have to trust again. You can (and probably have) made it clear to her that this is her last chance. And you have to mean it. But you don't have to hit her with it every day. Remember, you want a wife who can hold her head up with a sense of self-worth. I doubt she has that now. You have to let it grow.

 

Good luck VBM!

 

Thanks!

 

We have already discovered the fun and joy of being together. We had hours like that in December and days like that in January and weeks like that in February. Now we talk about the affair and move on. We both have learned not to dwell on it and after the sometimes emotional and bad conversations we reconnect the same day. In this new relationship we tell the other exactly what we are feeling with no holding back. I enjoy everything about her now and she has said she feels the same. We have always been best friends and that never really changed during all this.

 

She is actually taking the state real estate agent exam today as I type this and she has worked hard the past few months taking classes, studying and preparing for the test. She is a natural for that career and it's good to see her so dedicated to something again. The past few years she has been drifting without purpose once the kids were grown. But the most important thing I see is her new found sense of contribution to the marriage. Financially it's not something that was needed but just the fact that she will be able to "provide" something financially has been a huge self esteem boost. She really feels good about that part of her life and it offsets how badly she feels she is as a person.

[DKT3]

The question that keeps running through my mind every time i read the comments on this thread are... Why are you here posting VBM? You seem to have all the answers you are looking for. Your wife seems to be doing everything absolutely correct. You are doing well. Everything is great. So what is it you are hoping to achieve here?

 

If your wife is giving you everything you need ...has achieved full remorse....and you have forgiven her...then why do you keep posting on this thread explaining the same things over and over and over, justifying everything you say... as others continue to try to convince you that you are indeed not doing everything correctly and things cannot possibly be as good as you say they are? Why do you bother?

 

Because he doesn't fully believe it himself. That's why he is here. I don't think he will admit that small detail. He wants to believe it but he doesn't.

[JohnAdams]

Because he doesn't fully believe it himself. That's why he is here. I don't think he will admit that small detail. He wants to believe it but he doesn't.

 

I think you are correct. You (VBM in this case) certainly want to belive it. But, I think this short of a time out from the affair, there has to be some doubt. If your wife of 31 years has an affair out of the blue and then is completely remorseful, you have to be asking yourself why and will it happen again. You want to believe, you hope all is well, but as humans, I think you still have to wonder.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think that men often don't get the reasons why their wives have affairs. Worse, they ask their wives and don't believe the stories they get. Why? Because the story isn't dramatic enough.

 

That was my position about the sex. I pictured wild off the charts sex and the reality was tame in comparison. I also thought the conversation they had we loaded with sex and love talk and in reality they were day to day stuff for the most part. Intermixed with him trying to get her to have phone sex or meet for sex.

 

Folks in affairs compartmentalize. In many cases the affair partners don't give a thought to getting caught. They don't expect to be caught. And they don't give much thought to the long term future of the affair because they are not thinking of it as a long term thing. It is a hear and now thing.

She has said almost those exact words. It was all about her desires "in the moment" and how good it felt.

 

There is a thrill involved. One feels that one still "has it!" and is attractive to the other sex. The attention is wonderful.

She used the term exciting but thrilling is probably a similar term. And she said she felt validated by his apparent attraction to her. She turned 50 last year and that was hard on her mentally even though she has not lost much physically.

 

The sex is very good in a strange way. Some women restrain themselves in bed with their husbands. Why? Because they are good women and not sluts. They won't do what they think is slutty. But with the affair partner that never comes up. They can be much more free because he wants it and it feels good and he loves you for it.

 

She says the sex was not good but I do think maybe the slutty factor played into things. I'm sure it did with the phone sex and naked pictures they exchanged.

 

Does that mean that she has stopped loving her husband? Generally not. She loves her husband in a very different way. They have lived their lives together. They've seen each other under the worst conditions, not the best. Their lives are predictable and mostly good but after all those years there's not much sense of adventure. But there is a deep connection.

I think it's the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation feels good and is intoxicating especially to women. Even single women do things while infatuated that are not good decisions.

 

Which is why folks post here. If they have a cheating spouse, why not just divorce them? In fact after DDay why doesn't the cheater file for divorce? The answer is that they do NOT want a divorce, even though in many cases that's the only logical end to things.

This is a very valid point. She did not even want to separate much less divorce. She just wanted that feeling of infatuation that she can never have again with me and her marriage.

 

So in my view this is a very complex business. The OP has probably asked his wife why? And she's probably told him the truth. My guess her answer had to do with her NOT being out of love with her husband, but instead it had to do with rediscovering youth and romance and something new.

It is very complex and we have discussed "why" many times. I'm not sure she even fully understands the "why" at this point but she is totally honest about not knowing exactly and what she thinks led to the affair. She thinks it was a mixture of opportunity and personal unhappiness that she projected on us and our marriage that allowed him to get inside her mind and seduce her. Much of it has to do with losing her mother and her sisters move. She also thinks there was a rebellious element to it and against the "good girl" that her mother instilled in her from a very young age. And rebellion against our "perfect" marriage.

 

These are all perceptive arguments, thanks for sharing them!

[VeryBrokenMan]

I strongly disagree with your wife. I have too much respect for the person I am in a relationship with to cheat on them. I would divorce them before I cheated. Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect you can show to the person you claim to love(regardless if you get caught or not).

 

I could not agree more with any of that.

 

Just think of what she had to do to deceive you for all those months, serious planning was involved. What kind of person does that to the person they brought children into the world with? How fu*ked do you have to be to be able to justify it by saying that cheating is ok because they don't expect to get caught?

She said two days ago, "I don't think you realize how f*&ked up I am". And I told her I do see how f*&ked up she was but she is only getting that in the past few months.

 

For the record I was not justifying her actions, and neither was she. I was just stating a fact. Cheaters NEVER intend or expect to get caught so why would they make any decisions based on the fact that they will?

 

People die all the time from STD's they contacted by having unprotected sex with people other than their husband or wife, your wife of 31 years is proof, she never used protection. You were put at risk for HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B and all kinds of other menacing things that can end your life. Would you have deserved that too because she never expected to be caught? There have been some on LS that weren't so lucky.

That is the part where she is so "F&*ked" up. I was and still outraged by the fact she exposed me to all his potential diseases without any hesitation. But she told me recently you can't possible hate me more for doing that than I hate myself.

 

Getting caught is not the problem here and you are free to pass my comment on to her because even though I have never met you I respect you for standing up for your family. I truly hope she understands the gift she is receiving from a husband that sat at his desk alone for 4 hours that one morning.

I think she does and I think she sees what she was risking. This is no longer a fantasy that she is living out, this is real life and her life and she is firmly planted in OUR reality now.

 

I just had to edit this by adding, was that 300 lbs. beer bellied little dick married guy cheating on his wife the right circumstance for her? Really?

Not sure I follow?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Sorry, having one of those late nights. We are in the process of selling our company and I have lots going on, I am part of the negotiating team.

 

The one other point I want to make here is look at how many pages of posts are one your thread. Even with all she has done to you, you are still defending her, that's the difference between you and her. This is what she needs to grasp, she's not here to do it herself but you have got her back. When you weren't there to defend yourself with other man she should have had your back.The question that needs to be answered is why that never happened?

 

You're absolutely right. I've had her back when I let her call the OM to get closure. I had her back when she thought she was going to be living on the street and I told her I would support her until she could support herself. At no point did I not have her back during any of this. I've not asked her that question but I can make a good guess at the answer. I think she would say the attention and infatuation felt so good that she made decsions that were wrong and against everything she believed before and now.

 

She told me after the first confrontation "I don't cheat because of who I am and what I believe". And I asked her about that statement last night. That is when she said "I don't think you understand how F&*ked up I was". She knows she had lost touch with reality. Reality at that time was the infatuation and how good all that felt. Not her beliefs and morals.

[Lion Heart]

The question that keeps running through my mind every time i read the comments on this thread are... Why are you here posting VBM? You seem to have all the answers you are looking for. Your wife seems to be doing everything absolutely correct. You are doing well. Everything is great. So what is it you are hoping to achieve here?

 

If your wife is giving you everything you need ...has achieved full remorse....and you have forgiven her...then why do you keep posting on this thread explaining the same things over and over and over, justifying everything you say... as others continue to try to convince you that you are indeed not doing everything correctly and things cannot possibly be as good as you say they are? Why do you bother?

 

I think it's "TRUST" Mrs Adams. Correct VBM? With everything VBMs WW did undercover, that he had to find out himself. Lies and more lies since D Day (about the taped phone call) he is justified in not actually TRUSTING her.

 

It must be horrible that VBM has had to use all sorts of paraphernalia, PIs and now a poly to believe his own WW of 30+ years. It's very sad.

 

VBM I can't stand it when a person who's been busted cheating thinks it's clever of them to say "Given the 'right' G knows what that WE would also cheat!" It's been my CHOICE not to cheat even with multiple opportunities. It's ME who respected and regarded my H and family WAY too much to go there. Have I wanted to? NO because affairs destroy.

 

Lion Heart.

[VeryBrokenMan]

 

 

I am not a babe magnet, yet.

 

 

Though as in the movie The Fighting 69th. James Cagney as a civilian is always wanting to get into fights. See's himself fearless. WWI comes, in the army, turns coward. He never saw himself turning a coward.

 

 

Now we do not know your babe magnet status. So when a man is faced with one of his favorite actresses works her charms on him will he be able to stand tall?

 

 

I never had a Jennifer Aniston make a move for me.

 

 

Now what would I do?

 

 

Tell her I wouldn't touch her.

 

 

Tell her I wouldn't even touch her with your "stick".

 

 

I'll use my own.

 

We've actually talked about that scenario recently. I told her one time that I had never met a woman in real life that I would want to pursue or consider cheating on her with and certainly not marry. And I truly believe that, I have met some really attractive women in my life but not one of them make me think I'd like to seduce her. So she said "what if Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz really wanted you" and my response was "They are not half the woman you are". And I really believe that, she is the one and only for me and I would never sabotage that. Of couse she does not deserve that consideration now but it still holds true.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The question that keeps running through my mind every time i read the comments on this thread are... Why are you here posting VBM? You seem to have all the answers you are looking for. Your wife seems to be doing everything absolutely correct. You are doing well. Everything is great. So what is it you are hoping to achieve here?

 

If your wife is giving you everything you need ...has achieved full remorse....and you have forgiven her...then why do you keep posting on this thread explaining the same things over and over and over, justifying everything you say... as others continue to try to convince you that you are indeed not doing everything correctly and things cannot possibly be as good as you say they are? Why do you bother?

 

Welcome back!

 

I've explained this before I'm here because it helps me to talk about why I feel the way I do. It helps me to defend her. It crystallizes my thoughts and those turn into actions. Remember I feel that hapiness is a choice and positive thoughts turn into positive actions.

 

I'm not justifying things over and over. I'm responding to questions about why and what and how.

 

For the record she is close to full remorse and I have not forgiven her yet.

 

What am I not doing correctly in your view? Obviously you think I'm doing something wrong. Please tell me, that is an honest question.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The comfortable financial security you offer her... what if it was all gone! Would she still be there? Probably not. Sorry. Why not test it out, see what happens! Plan things out well, make all that financial security you offer her go away. If she leaves, good, you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. Take your money and enjoy. I personally would not be interested in her after finding out about the affair.

 

I explained this in a post in the last few days. A divorce would assure her of a life very similar her current lifestyle and she would never have to work again. She is staying because she wants to stay.

[Lion Heart]

Cheaters NEVER intend or expect to get caught so why would they make any decisions based on the fact that they will?

 

Ummmm because they're ADULTS?

Because they know that every ACTION has a RE ACTION?

Because they have a brain in their head that says at the very point of no return "if my SO finds out, I'm dead"???

 

They don't WANT their spouse to find out, sure, but THEY KNOW IT'S HIGHLY LIKELY and do it anyway. They may work very hard indeed at covering it all up along the way with all the techniques they can muster, so they KNOW they could be caught at any point along the way. They definitely KNOW at least SOME of the consequences otherwise they wouldn't bother hiding it.

 

VBM I'm sure your WW delights in the fact you "have her back". It's a very interesting roll out to watch. I'm sure you're hoping for complete trust to be restored. I hope you keep somewhat vigilant.

 

You seem to be an intelligent person. Affairs of the heart are a different matter altogether.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Because he doesn't fully believe it himself. That's why he is here. I don't think he will admit that small detail. He wants to believe it but he doesn't.

 

What I don't believe is that I have the capacity to be at the place I am so quickly. I still feel like we could have the rug yanked from under us. So I'm vigilant and focused on US and posting here helps me maintain that focus. It would be VERY easy for me to throw myself into my work and never look back. I chose not to do that and instead to focus on our relationship for a good while. My work life will always be there, but my relationship with her AND others is a priority now. I'm also reading a book "The How of Happiness" that has helped me see that materiel things do not make someone happy. Relationships with people that are important to you do.

[stillafool]

Welcome back!

 

I've explained this before I'm here because it helps me to talk about why I feel the way I do. It helps me to defend her. It crystallizes my thoughts and those turn into actions. Remember I feel that hapiness is a choice and positive thoughts turn into positive actions.

 

I'm not justifying things over and over. I'm responding to questions about why and what and how.

 

For the record she is close to full remorse and I have not forgiven her yet.

 

What am I not doing correctly in your view? Obviously you think I'm doing something wrong. Please tell me, that is an honest question.

 

So what else are you expecting to get from people here on LS that you have not already gotten?

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think you are correct. You (VBM in this case) certainly want to belive it. But, I think this short of a time out from the affair, there has to be some doubt. If your wife of 31 years has an affair out of the blue and then is completely remorseful, you have to be asking yourself why and will it happen again. You want to believe, you hope all is well, but as humans, I think you still have to wonder.

 

I can say with certainty that have absolutely no fear of it happening again. It's not that I have doubts, it's that I know I can be OK without her.

 

I've explained this before, my IC has helped me get to a place where I'm OK with being without her. She allowed me to reframe my thinking about my life and my relationship. If we divorce because she cheats again my life will still be great, I will still have my work that I really enjoy, I will still have my hobbies. My kids will still love me and I know will not blame me. I know I can be happy without her, I have no doubt of that. So being in that place gives me peace of mind and I don't even think about her cheating again.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think it's "TRUST" Mrs Adams. Correct VBM? With everything VBMs WW did undercover, that he had to find out himself. Lies and more lies since D Day (about the taped phone call) he is justified in not actually TRUSTING her.

 

I am justified in not trusting her. I asked her last night how she was going to feel in 5 or 10 years when I was still being suspicious of her. Would she be bothered or defensive? Her response was "I don't deserve to be trusted ever again and I fully expect you to be suspicious". There were only lies two days after DDay about that phone call, and have not found any significant lies or inconsistencies since then.

 

It must be horrible that VBM has had to use all sorts of paraphernalia, PIs and now a poly to believe his own WW of 30+ years. It's very sad.

It is sad, but I did not choose to have the affair. That is just what is needed to deal with aftermath of the affair and what I need to move forward.

 

VBM I can't stand it when a person who's been busted cheating thinks it's clever of them to say "Given the 'right' G knows what that WE would also cheat!" It's been my CHOICE not to cheat even with multiple opportunities. It's ME who respected and regarded my H and family WAY too much to go there. Have I wanted to? NO because affairs destroy.

I know I would never cheat. She as a cheater does not understand that and thinks EVERYONE is capable. I disagree and you disagree because we are not cheaters.

[beach]

I could not agree more with any of that.

 

She said two days ago, "I don't think you realize how f*&ked up I am". And I told her I do see how f*&ked up she was but she is only getting that in the past few months.

 

For the record I was not justifying her actions, and neither was she. I was just stating a fact. Cheaters NEVER intend or expect to get caught so why would they make any decisions based on the fact that they will?

 

That is the part where she is so "F&*ked" up. I was and still outraged by the fact she exposed me to all his potential diseases without any hesitation. But she told me recently you can't possible hate me more for doing that than I hate myself.

 

I think she does and I think she sees what she was risking. This is no longer a fantasy that she is living out, this is real life and her life and she is firmly planted in OUR reality now.

 

Not sure I follow?

 

 

This is the conflict I have. You keep describing her in the past tense and she keeps trying to tell you she is messed up now. But you're not seeing that.

[Greentriangle]

Hmm,sounds like something was already missing before it all happened. Open communication, mutual attention, respect. You mentioned she wasn't working which already creates inequality. You mention you never fought, that's strange, maybe not fighting but disagreements always exist with couples but then they resolve it. It seems there were many red flags.

[beach]

 

 

She said two days ago, "I don't think you realize how f*&ked up I am". And I told her I do see how f*&ked up she was but...

 

 

And this too. She's telling you about NOW - but your mind keeps processing it as if it's past tense.

 

It is now she keeps describing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Ummmm because they're ADULTS?

Because they know that every ACTION has a RE ACTION?

Because they have a brain in their head that says at the very point of no return "if my SO finds out, I'm dead"???

 

I think you give cheaters too much credit. They are in the moment and not thinking about anything but themselves and what they want. They are selfish and entitled and feel like they should be allowed to do whatever pleases them in the moment. I'm certain there are no thoughts of the consequences like you or I would have. I think that is part of the problem you're having with this. You are expecting cheaters to think like you do, to think about being faithful and to think about consequences and that's not in their core.

 

They don't WANT their spouse to find out, sure, but THEY KNOW IT'S HIGHLY LIKELY and do it anyway. They may work very hard indeed at covering it all up along the way with all the techniques they can muster, so they KNOW they could be caught at any point along the way. They definitely KNOW at least SOME of the consequences otherwise they wouldn't bother hiding it.

They know they need to keep it a secret but I'm not sure they give much thought to the consequences is they are caught. Because they truly believe they are too good at hiding it to be caught. Also if it is thier first affair I'm certain they know nothing of the pain they will cause their spouse and themselves.

 

VBM I'm sure your WW delights in the fact you "have her back".

I think that assumes she is a really bad person and the affair withstanding she is a decent human being. I'm sure she appreciates it but in some cases cannot believe that I would. For example she was amazed that I told her I'd support her if we divorced until she was on her feet. I've had no hate for her and if we split I would want her safe and secure until she was able to stand on her own. She is the mother of my children after all.

 

You seem to be an intelligent person. Affairs of the heart are a different matter altogether.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

Pragmatism: dealing with things sensibly and realistically in a way that is based on practical rather than theoretical considerations.

I'm pragmatic, I can get emotional if I let myself(and believe me I was for the first couple of months) but I've always found that pragmatism works better for me.

 

 

 

Thank you.