Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

So what else are you expecting to get from people here on LS that you have not already gotten?

 

I'll keep responding to points that are made not to disagree but to bolster my thoughts on any given aspect. And if someone takes the time to post something I think it's the least I can do to read and offer some response. Maybe other people here don't work that way but I do appreciate the dissenting opinions and try to respond to each.

 

I'm a very deep thinker and I've spent a good portion of the past 6 months looking at affairs from all aspects. I don't think I'm going to change my thinking much at this point. I feel strong and confident again unlike my first posts here. I've seen my IC many times, maybe 50 hours? I've read more than 20 books on the subject, spend hours reading online articles not only on affairs but on love and relationships. I have the luxury of being able to spend several hours during the day on the subject and to focus on the relationship at night. I'm not an expert on affairs and relationships yet but I feel I know much more than I knew six months ago and more than many friends. Unless you've live this you cannot possibly know what is involved.

 

And I feel like I have something to offer husbands on LS that want to reconcile instead of divorce. I think LS is highly shaded toward divorce and maybe this thread can help someone in the future.

[beach]

Why do you feel such a strong desire to defend her?

 

Are you certain you're looking at all your evidence with a mind that's unbiased?

[aliveagain]

That is the part where she is so "F&*ked" up. I was and still outraged by the fact she exposed me to all his potential diseases without any hesitation. But she told me recently you can't possible hate me more for doing that than I hate myself.

 

Not sure I follow?

 

VBM, this is the part I know best because my company is a player in the world of HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B. I can tell you professionally that when ordinary people like you and me come into contact with this world your reality is changed for the rest of your life as are your plans, dreams and people in it.

 

The part of my post that you didn't get had to do with the comment she made that if the right person or circumstance came along you would cheat. My comment had to do with the 300 lbs cheating married O/M, I guess he was the right circumstance for her because she went all in for it and here you are. I guess my real point is if a guy like him is all it took to turn someone like your wife, be careful, be thorough, expose the POS so he doesn't do it again with one of our wives, forgive but make sure you have the whole story first. This is not what your life should look like when your kids are grown up and there are just the two of you. You need to feel safe.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This is the conflict I have. You keep describing her in the past tense and she keeps trying to tell you she is messed up now. But you're not seeing that.

 

She was clearly talking about the time period when she was in the affair. She knows it was F.U. thinking and behavior. She is working on not being selfish and entitled and all the bad things and so far has been completely successful. She does not want to be that person, she HATES that person with a passion now that she sees it. I may have said this already but in the last couple of conversations she offers up things like "I hate what I did to us" and "you can't hate me anymore than I hate myself". She truly gets how bad her behavior was and her remorse is not an act.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Welcome back!

 

I've explained this before I'm here because it helps me to talk about why I feel the way I do. It helps me to defend her. It crystallizes my thoughts and those turn into actions. Remember I feel that hapiness is a choice and positive thoughts turn into positive actions.

 

I'm not justifying things over and over. I'm responding to questions about why and what and how.

 

For the record she is close to full remorse and I have not forgiven her yet.

 

What am I not doing correctly in your view? Obviously you think I'm doing something wrong. Please tell me, that is an honest question.

 

I did not leave...I just grew silent.

I did not say anything about you doing something wrong. I simply want to know what it is you are looking for. You seem to have all the answers. You seem to know exactly what to do...you seem to be satisfied with the way you and your wife have handled this situation. I have no criticism....it isn't any of my business. If you are satisfied then who am I to question?

 

Yet for 31 pages...you explain, you defend, you justify, you tell us how you are handing everything....

I would like to know what it is you need or want from this community?

If you have it all figured out and are satisfied....why are you still arguing with those here who obviously disagree with you.

Why?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Hmm,sounds like something was already missing before it all happened. Open communication, mutual attention, respect. You mentioned she wasn't working which already creates inequality. You mention you never fought, that's strange, maybe not fighting but disagreements always exist with couples but then they resolve it. It seems there were many red flags.

 

There were tons of red flags in hind sight. I explained a couple of days ago what was going on the past few years. She was basically lost and drifting through life without a purpose. Her mother had died, her sister had moved off, all the kids were gone, she just turned 50. We communicated but not like now, we both just shutdown when we did not like what the other had to say. We were "conflict avoidant" as my IC puts it. But my fWW says she held no resentments that rose to the level of having an affair. She was unhappy with herself and projected that onto our relationship.

[Buckeye2]

Because he doesn't fully believe it himself. That's why he is here. I don't think he will admit that small detail. He wants to believe it but he doesn't.

 

OP, I don’t think that best defense attorney in the country could spin the facts of your wife’s case any better than you. Deep down I think you know this. You want us to be the jury and find your arguments compelling. That way you will feel justified in doing what you want to do.

[beach]

So since she cheated because she "didn't have a purpose"

 

 

What is her purpose now (that will keep her from becoming bored and cheating again)?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Why do you feel such a strong desire to defend her?

 

That is a really good question. I think it's because I know her so well and I know she is not the evil person that some here would like her to be. We have been a couple for 35 plus years now and I can tell what she is thinking. You might say how well did you know her since she had an affair? My response is I always felt she was capable of having an affair and I occasionally questioned her about situations. I see how men spin around when we walk into a store or restaurant. That has been the reality of my life with her so her getting attention from other men is not something new to me. So part of me wants to defend her because for 34 or so years she was used to getting that attention and never once acted on it until last year. But also I feel like I know her thinking so well I can understand the issues involved with her decision to cheat. And being pragmatic I can see that it was not about me or our relationship. It was purely selfish "live in the moment" thinking without regard for me. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm defending her because of the 34 years when she was not that evil person.

 

Also as to how well I know her, I was suspicious within a couple of weeks of the start of the affair. Things were just off and I started snooping about 30 days into it. We were not a distant couple where either one of us were clueless about the others feelings. I knew she was unhappy and had been since her mothers death, I just did not see that it made her venerable to having an affair. I was clueless to affairs and how they start prior to all this and so was she. We had no experience as a couple with unfaithfulness.

 

Are you certain you're looking at all your evidence with a mind that's unbiased?

I feel like I see the affair for what it was. I see that she was emotionally venerable from all the things that had happened the prior few years. I was not focusing on her like I had in years past because she had been unhappy and I did not know what to do. A womanizer out of the blue contacted her to test the waters. When she did not shut him down right away he saw it as a green light. He turned up the heat slowly over a month long process and he was very aggressive the first time they met in person. She was not expecting to have sex that day and thought she could control the situation. The OM is a convicted rapist and has a long criminal history. He pursued her knowing she was married and all he wanted a sexual relationship with her. But he made her feel like he loved her and said exactly the right things to move things along. She is not experienced with dating or men and she naively fell for the attention and his charm. It grew into infatuation which clouded her decisions from that point on. And she was not prepared for his aggressiveness. In giving herself permission she projected her unhappiness with herself onto our marriage and allowed herself to choose to have the affair. Her selfishness and entitlement also played a big role in allowing herself to have the affair. I have spent many hours with my IC and she has allowed me to see the affair for what it was and non of it was directed at me or really had anything to do with me. It was just something she did for herself without regard for me.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I did not leave...I just grew silent.

I did not say anything about you doing something wrong. I simply want to know what it is you are looking for. You seem to have all the answers. You seem to know exactly what to do...you seem to be satisfied with the way you and your wife have handled this situation. I have no criticism....it isn't any of my business. If you are satisfied then who am I to question?

 

Yet for 31 pages...you explain, you defend, you justify, you tell us how you are handing everything....

I would like to know what it is you need or want from this community?

If you have it all figured out and are satisfied....why are you still arguing with those here who obviously disagree with you.

Why?

 

Asked and answered:

 

I've explained this before I'm here because it helps me to talk about why I feel the way I do. It helps me to defend her. It crystallizes my thoughts and those turn into actions. Remember I feel that happiness is a choice and positive thoughts turn into positive actions.

 

So I guess I just want you to keep challenging my thoughts and actions to keep me honest?

 

It sounds like you don't think I should take the time to respond to those I disagree with?Are there not always two sides to an argument? Or is it that you think I'm wrong and that you feel I'm being a know-it-all? (ie your statement: You seem to have all the answers). What do you think I'm justifying and why should I not be? I'm all ears but please don't expect me to blildly agree. Had I done that 5 months ago and listened to all the advise about divorce where would I be today?

[VeryBrokenMan]

OP, I don’t think that best defense attorney in the country could spin the facts of your wife’s case any better than you. Deep down I think you know this. You want us to be the jury and find your arguments compelling. That way you will feel justified in doing what you want to do.

 

Alright then I ask that all of you spin the facts as to how you see it. I posted my summary of the affair just above. Please tell me where I'm wrong in that assessment.

 

What should I be seeing differently?

 

What should I be doing differently?

 

Why are you right and my IC that has spent so many hours wrong?

[VeryBrokenMan]

So since she cheated because she "didn't have a purpose"

 

 

What is her purpose now (that will keep her from becoming bored and cheating again)?

 

She actually just called and told me she has passed her state real estate exam this morning. She has always loved all things related and wants to do some things in that area. I've not seen her this excited and focused on something in years. She has worked hard the last three months with that goal in mind but not once has she put her pursuit of that goal in front of us. She has been studying hard the past week and she never said "I can't talk about the affair tonight because I need to study". That is huge change for her.

[JohnAdams]

VBM, I am very glad that you are reconciling. I am pro reconciliation. I know these forums have many that are pro divorce.......and in many cases, that is the right answer. In your case, I think reconciliation is right.

 

I do agree with the above poster who says you come off as a great defense lawyer. If a ws came on and used these reasons, it would be seen as an excuse for an affair.

 

Your wife made a choice; she has proven that she is capable of cheating. I thought your statement was interesting "I always felt she was capable of having an affair and I occasionally questioned her about situations" So, is it easier to cope since you already thought that a possibility?

 

It is also interesting that you bring up he was ugly, a loser, and a criminal. If he was handsome, successful and hung would it have made a difference? If she throws herself to a loser, what happens when prince charming comes along?

 

I think at this point your wife is willing to say anything, and act out the drama to keep her marriage. I do think she knows she really f**ked up. I am just not too sure if she is sorry she got caught or sorry for her complete betrayal.

 

Infidelity is the worst thing that ever happened in my life. It took me years to reach the place I am now in. The tools are much better and readily available now which does speed up the process. I just hope things keep going well for you and you are not all of a sudden hit by a 2x4 across the head.

[Mr. Lucky]

I see that she was emotionally venerable from all the things that had happened the prior few years. I was not focusing on her like I had in years past because she had been unhappy and I did not know what to do. A womanizer out of the blue contacted her to test the waters. When she did not shut him down right away he saw it as a green light. He turned up the heat slowly over a month long process and he was very aggressive the first time they met in person. She was not expecting to have sex that day and thought she could control the situation. The OM is a convicted rapist and has a long criminal history. He pursued her knowing she was married and all he wanted a sexual relationship with her. But he made her feel like he loved her and said exactly the right things to move things along. She is not experienced with dating or men and she naively fell for the attention and his charm. It grew into infatuation which clouded her decisions from that point on. And she was not prepared for his aggressiveness. In giving herself permission she projected her unhappiness with herself onto our marriage and allowed herself to choose to have the affair. Her selfishness and entitlement also played a big role in allowing herself to have the affair.

 

I wonder what your reaction would have been had your WS given you this exact written explanation on D Day? I'd guess you'd have found it to be riddled with excuses, rationalizations, entitlements and historical revisions.

 

What's changed since then ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hope Shimmers]

Because he doesn't fully believe it himself. That's why he is here. I don't think he will admit that small detail. He wants to believe it but he doesn't.

 

I was just about to post this same response almost literally word for word.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I wonder what your reaction would have been had your WS given you this exact written explanation on D Day? I'd guess you'd have found it to be riddled with excuses, rationalizations, entitlements and historical revisions.

 

What's changed since then ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Please point out where each of these are: excuses, rationalizations, entitlements and historical revision.

[road]

 

We've actually talked about that scenario recently. I told her one time that I had never met a woman in real life that I would want to pursue or consider cheating on her with and certainly not marry. And I truly believe that, I have met some really attractive women in my life but not one of them make me think I'd like to seduce her. So she said "what if Sandra Bullock or Cameron Diaz really wanted you" and my response was "They are not half the woman you are". And I really believe that, she is the one and only for me and I would never sabotage that. Of couse she does not deserve that consideration now but it still holds true.

 

 

You miss the point. Not the BH seducing the "hot actress", but her seducing you.

[Mazerati]

A womanizer out of the blue contacted her to test the waters. When she did not shut him down right away he saw it as a green light. He turned up the heat slowly over a month long process and he was very aggressive the first time they met in person. She was not expecting to have sex that day and thought she could control the situation. The OM is a convicted rapist and has a long criminal history. He pursued her knowing she was married and all he wanted a sexual relationship with her. But he made her feel like he loved her and said exactly the right things to move things along. She is not experienced with dating or men and she naively fell for the attention and his charm. It grew into infatuation which clouded her decisions from that point on. And she was not prepared for his aggressiveness. In giving herself permission she projected her unhappiness with herself onto our marriage and allowed herself to choose to have the affair. Her selfishness and entitlement also played a big role in allowing herself to have the affair. I have spent many hours with my IC and she has allowed me to see the affair for what it was and non of it was directed at me or really had anything to do with me. It was just something she did for herself without regard for me.

 

VBM, how did she meet OM? Out of the blue seems farcical. Understand she is attractive, but was she giving off signals to him that allowed him to enter her space. Or did she invite him in?

Your PI work discovered the OM has a very nasty past. Your wife fell for this rapist. Have you ever sat her down and showed her or even intimated what type of person she attracted and was attracted too?

I don't see why you would withhold such information to protect her. She had no qualms entering the relationship. To me, after time has passed, it would be a logical and necessary thing to reveal. Keeping such pertinent information from her I think is wrong. Transparency works both ways.

I understood initially not to reveal. That made sense. Information overload. Why not now? Again full transparency and disclosure of all things.

It may or may not come up down the road. But in anger things are said. Better to do it now as emotions are in check than later in a fit of rage.

IMHO

 

Maz

Edited April 2, 2015 by Mazerati

[jbrent890]

VBM, after reading a lot of comments on here, I don't think anyone is telling you to stop and divorce your wife. But everybody is saying to slow down and think about this more objectively. Most of your posts have been you giving excuses for her betrayl. You say that you aren't, but you are. She had a tough couple of years, you didn't pay enough attention to her, OM was a predator (you even started a thread over that), she is too trusting. Dude those are excuses. When you first started posting here, you listed all the horrible things your wife has done to you over the years. Things that personally would have caused me to walk a long time ago. Now she is showering you with attention, which is what I think is clouding your judgment and causing you to rush through this process. IMO, you need to see this extra attention for what it is, damage control. It's not going to last. You need to ask yourself if she is doing all these extra things because she wants to or because she feels she has to.

[drifter777]

... for 31 pages...you explain, you defend, you justify, you tell us how you are handing everything....

I would like to know what it is you need or want from this community?

If you have it all figured out and are satisfied....why are you still arguing with those here who obviously disagree with you.

Why?

 

That is a really good question. I think it's because I know her so well and I know she is not the evil person that some here would like her to be.

Pretty much every single betrayed husband who posts their story as it unfold's after d-day get so a point where they strongly defend their wife and rationalize her actions. Obviously, some more than others. VBM has been in this mode for a good long while now and I guess it's working for him. It doesn't matter whether he's lying to himself or not as long as he believes this narrative. Most of the previous BH's that did all the defending soon were crushed by trickle-truths and/or broken NC that derailed everything. OP and his wife seem committed to reconcile and put this behind them as soon as possible. I think we all hope they are able to do this and, especially, that OP has peace of mind with this whole thing.

 

I explained this in a post in the last few days. A divorce would assure her of a life very similar her current lifestyle and she would never have to work again. She is staying because she wants to stay.

 

Not sure it matters but when I read this recently it tripped my memory back to:

I had her back when she thought she was going to be living on the street and I told her I would support her until she could support herself.

 

Has she always understood that you were going to have to support her whether she stayed or left?

Edited April 2, 2015 by drifter777

[Mrs. John Adams]

Asked and answered:

 

I've explained this before I'm here because it helps me to talk about why I feel the way I do. It helps me to defend her. It crystallizes my thoughts and those turn into actions. Remember I feel that happiness is a choice and positive thoughts turn into positive actions.

 

So I guess I just want you to keep challenging my thoughts and actions to keep me honest?

 

It sounds like you don't think I should take the time to respond to those I disagree with?Are there not always two sides to an argument? Or is it that you think I'm wrong and that you feel I'm being a know-it-all? (ie your statement: You seem to have all the answers). What do you think I'm justifying and why should I not be? I'm all ears but please don't expect me to blildly agree. Had I done that 5 months ago and listened to all the advise about divorce where would I be today?

 

Vbm..it does not matter what I think. What matters is what you think. I am not here to argue with you.

 

But I will tell you what I see.

 

I see a man that has made up his mind to reconcile. I see a man that knows what he wants...and is going after it. I see a man that is determined.

 

And since that is what I see...for the life of me...I do not understand why you continue to banter back and forth with those who disagree with you. I do not understand why you feel the need to explain anything to anyone. If you already know what you need and how to achieve it...then why does it matter what anyone else thinks?

 

you see..the only two people that matter are you and your wife. If the two if you are satisfied with your relation ship....if the two of you are satisfied with the progress you have made....then what the rest of us think or question, or disagree with is absolutely unimportant.

 

I want your reconciliation to be successful...I want you to live happily ever after.

I am not your enemy...I am pulling for you.

 

But I will share this with you...I fear you have a very rude awakening coming...I hope I am wrong...but I think you are going to hit the wall....

 

Now that is my opinion...which means absolutely nothing.

 

I hope you prove me wrong.

[beach]

What's the delay now on her polygraph?

 

It's been months for the emotions to become neutral (as you described your requirement).

 

So what's the hold up now?

[sidney2718]

They don't WANT their spouse to find out, sure, but THEY KNOW IT'S HIGHLY LIKELY and do it anyway. They may work very hard indeed at covering it all up along the way with all the techniques they can muster, so they KNOW they could be caught at any point along the way. They definitely KNOW at least SOME of the consequences otherwise they wouldn't bother hiding it.

 

I agree with much of what you wrote. But this is an interesting bit. It seems to me that we do not KNOW how many spouses cheat and get away with it. I'm sure that the number is very large. And I'm not even counting the "one night in Las Vegas" kind of things.

 

If we knew about successfully hidden affairs then they wouldn't be hidden, would they?

 

I can say personally that I know of several people, male and female, whom I strongly suspect are having affairs. More than that I do not know.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sidney...if i had not TOLD on myself...my husband would NEVER have known

 

 

How about you?

 

How many here could have taken their affairs to their grave?

 

I would never have known about my husbands Revenge affair had he not told me.

[LifeWasted]

Sidney...if i had not TOLD on myself...my husband would NEVER have known

 

 

How about you?

 

How many here could have taken their affairs to their grave?

 

I would never have known about my husbands Revenge affair had he not told me.

 

By Revenge Affair you mean your husband had sex with another woman just to get back at you for your affair? Wow.