Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Hope Shimmers]

I've explained that I'm here because it helps me to type my thoughts and focus my thinking on why I feel as I do. It has nothing to do with validation or anything like that. I could care less what internet strangers think. And I don't need your applause. In fact I need to opposite, I need you to tell me I'm wrong so that I can see the issues from all sides. Just don't expect me to agree.

 

Okay. Let me preface this to say that I obviously don't know your wife and I could be way off base here but I'll give you my impressions.

 

First, and I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your wife's shoes I would have pegged that test in the accountant's office with the divorce assets as just what it was. A test. And if I wanted to convince you I was doing things for the right reason, I would have reacted exactly as she did - except I would have reigned in the drama of the response a bit as it would have been more convincing.

 

Unless you live in an at-fault state, of which there are relatively few, then she gets half the marital assets no matter what, and she would certainly know that.

 

Last night I read the very first post in this thread. You don't even sound like the same person. I read some of the things she has done to you over the years.

 

What I see, just from what you've posted of course, is a beautiful, selfish, self-entitled princess who appears to have had everything handed to her and has not had to work a single day in her marriage. Do you have any idea how many women would love to not have to work?!? And now, she will not have to work a day in the rest of her life either. I'm not going to call you 'weak', as again, probably that's how it would work out. Because she has always been taken care of financially, that's how the courts would treat it moving forward.

 

But here is this woman who had everything, had the whole world on a platter, and what does she do? She cheats on you with a slimy, fat rapist. Whatever you do moving forward, I would really, really make sure you let that sink in. I cannot fathom it. I just can't.

 

Furthermore, it strikes me that LifeWasted's ex-girlfriend appears to have a lot of those same personal characteristics that I listed above. It just boils down to narcissism and self-entitlement and not giving a flying **** about what they are doing to the person who is DOING EVERYTHING FOR THEM.

 

I'm sorry. I am mad for you. I am in fact furious for you.

 

That is how I see it. You can disagree with me (I'm sure you will) and I am sorry if I have overstepped my bounds but I am really just being as honest as I can.

 

You asked what else you "should" be doing. There is nothing you "should" be doing unless it's what you feel is appropriate. But since you asked, I would consider going for that polygraph now. Plenty of time has passed. If she fails that question about previous affairs, then you will have a really big piece of information that right now is missing. It is hard for me to believe that someone like her has gone through 31 years of marriage and then suddenly cheated on you with a dough boy/micro dick with a rap sheet.

[LifeWasted]

Furthermore, it strikes me that LifeWasted's ex-girlfriend appears to have a lot of those same personal characteristics that I listed above. It just boils down to narcissism and self-entitlement and not giving a flying **** about what they are doing to the person who is DOING EVERYTHING FOR THEM.

 

Yep. That is an accurate assessment I think.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Sorry, I overlooked your post Maz.

 

VBM, how did she meet OM? Out of the blue seems farcical.

She met him at an event three years ago and he is the husband of a friend. He contacted her out of the blue on Facebook. She had no idea of his background or history during any of the affair. He did talk quite a bit about getting into fights and things of that nature but never indicated he has served time in prison.

 

Understand she is attractive, but was she giving off signals to him that allowed him to enter her space. Or did she invite him in?

It started out as FB flirting and progressed quickly to phone sex and then sex over a 4 week period. He was very aggressive and really fed her lines that she totally fell for. She is an adult woman and should have known better but the OM just turned up the heat little by little. She has said many times the attention he gave her felt really good and she loved it. She has always been like that, she loves the attention from men but now she see's she cannot ever flirt or be like that again if she wants to remain married.

 

Your PI work discovered the OM has a very nasty past. Your wife fell for this rapist. Have you ever sat her down and showed her or even intimated what type of person she attracted and was attracted too?

I was given the rap sheet in November by my PI. I withheld it for several months and I'm not sure why. I knew it would scare her because one of the first times I mentioned that he might have raped her(or worse) had she resisted that first time I think it hit home how stupid she was to meet someone she really did not know at an empty house.

 

But I let her see it about a month and a half ago well after she had started conveying to me she hated him and was seeing him for what he was.

 

She was really scared for a couple of weeks after I showed her his rap sheet and asked me to get her a handgun or mace. That is another reason I don't feel like she would ever contact him again. She might cheat with someone else but not him.

[Mazerati]

Sorry, I overlooked your post Maz.

 

She met him at an event three years ago and he is the husband of a friend. He contacted her out of the blue on Facebook. She had no idea of his background or history during any of the affair. He did talk quite a bit about getting into fights and things of that nature but never indicated he has served time in prison.

 

It started out as FB flirting and progressed quickly to phone sex and then sex over a 4 week period. He was very aggressive and really fed her lines that she totally fell for. She is an adult woman and should have known better but the OM just turned up the heat little by little. She has said many times the attention he gave her felt really good and she loved it. She has always been like that, she loves the attention from men but now she see's she cannot ever flirt or be like that again if she wants to remain married.

 

I was given the rap sheet in November by my PI. I withheld it for several months and I'm not sure why. I knew it would scare her because one of the first times I mentioned that he might have raped her(or worse) had she resisted that first time I think it hit home how stupid she was to meet someone she really did not know at an empty house.

 

But I let her see it about a month and a half ago well after she had started conveying to me she hated him and was seeing him for what he was.

 

She was really scared for a couple of weeks after I showed her his rap sheet and asked me to get her a handgun or mace. That is another reason I don't feel like she would ever contact him again. She might cheat with someone else but not him.

 

No apologies required. Not like there are only two posts, on this thread. LOL

Transparency is a two way street, and am glad you did so. I appreciate your candor, and utilizing the tools here to facilitate a true reconciliation. I think it may be way to soon to qualify this as successful, but the direction is sound.

All I will say is trust but verify. Which you are doing. VBM you alluded in your lengthy post that you didn't share because of the probable name calling.

For what it's worth rest assured from my perspective you are not that.

May the polygraph change your handle from VBM to VHM.

 

Maz

[VeryBrokenMan]

Thanks Hope, you have not over stepped your bounds and most people here have not. I really appreciate the comments whether I agree or not.

 

Okay. Let me preface this to say that I obviously don't know your wife and I could be way off base here but I'll give you my impressions.

 

First, and I'm sorry to say this, but if I were in your wife's shoes I would have pegged that test in the accountant's office with the divorce assets as just what it was. A test. And if I wanted to convince you I was doing things for the right reason, I would have reacted exactly as she did - except I would have reigned in the drama of the response a bit as it would have been more convincing.

 

Unless you live in an at-fault state, of which there are relatively few, then she gets half the marital assets no matter what, and she would certainly know that.

Good point but I think you are seeing her as a cunning cheater and not the decent moral person she actually is (ignore the affair). The emotions were running really high in the weeks prior to that meeting and I'm just not convinced that it could have possibly been an act. And if as you say she knew she was getting half anyway why would she go to the trouble of the meeting? Why not just move for divorce if that is what she wanted? She had no clue prior to the affair what our finances were. She saw the house and cars but I'm not the type of guy that flaunts what we have so we do not live extravagantly. We have a nice home, mid range cars and take nice vacations but really live humbly as it should be. She actually told me weeks later she was floored by the dollar amount of the settlement and to be honest I was as well because I don't dwell on that because it's really not about the money for me. I had never totaled up our assets and saw it in black and white. So here she is in a meeting that she can sign a paper and get X amount of money and go on with her life without me. She chose not too and in fact said she would settle for nothing. And she has said that many times over the last 5 months. She wants NOTHING in a divorce. Other than divorcing her there is no way to prove that.

 

Last night I read the very first post in this thread. You don't even sound like the same person. I read some of the things she has done to you over the years.

You are absolutely right I was different. My world had come tumbling down and I was betrayed by the last person in the world that I would expect to betray me. And my vision of our past was clouded by the devastation of the affair. EVERYTHING in our relationship seemed bad. That is no different than the process she went though to justify the affair and allow herself to cheat. She told herself our marriage was terrible. But as time went by I realized that I was really happy before, she was entitled and selfish but she was a great mother, an even better companion and friend, she supported my career and choices 110%. She did not ask for things I gave them freely. We had (and have) great sex. She was entittled and selfing and if I'm being honest I would say prior to the affair I did not mind those things or see them as a problem. I loved spoiling her. So don't put too much stock into things I said in the immediate aftermath of the affair. No one can see clearly in times of crisis.

 

What I see, just from what you've posted of course, is a beautiful, selfish, self-entitled princess who appears to have had everything handed to her and has not had to work a single day in her marriage. Do you have any idea how many women would love to not have to work?!? And now, she will not have to work a day in the rest of her life either. I'm not going to call you 'weak', as again, probably that's how it would work out. Because she has always been taken care of financially, that's how the courts would treat it moving forward.

This is an accurate assessment. She did work for about 3 years prior to our first child. And she took what she had for granted in a huge way and she got to the point that she expected certain things. That is the nature of entitlement, it grows if left unchecked. But also remember that we started with nothing. She was beside me when our furniture for our first apartment was all given to us. Or the cars we had broke down more than they worked. We struggled for years just getting by on just my income while she raised our kids. And we both came from relatively poor families. So she was there when times were bad. But then times got good, really good and she learned to be entitled and allowed that to grow. She also was selfish in our relationship and in looking back that has always been there. She is very selfless with others but totally selfish when it comes to us.

 

But here is this woman who had everything, had the whole world on a platter, and what does she do? She cheats on you with a slimy, fat rapist. Whatever you do moving forward, I would really, really make sure you let that sink in. I cannot fathom it. I just can't.

I struggle with this more than I can express here. You know I have no defense for this either, she did have it all. I cannot fathom what she was thinking except to think she did take everything for granted. I've never met the guy but she says he was a smooth talker. Obviously she did not have the right type of judgement working at the time and she truly believed he was seriously in love with her. She did not see him as the creep that sends dick pictures to someone he wants to have a relationship with. It's truly sickinng when you think about how much she lowered herself, but is that not what a lot of WW's do? They cheat down because they don't feel worthy?

 

 

Furthermore, it strikes me that LifeWasted's ex-girlfriend appears to have a lot of those same personal characteristics that I listed above. It just boils down to narcissism and self-entitlement and not giving a flying **** about what they are doing to the person who is DOING EVERYTHING FOR THEM.

I agree 110%, she is narcissistic and entitled and there is no defense for that. In the moment she was only thinking about herself and what she wanted.

 

I'm sorry. I am mad for you. I am in fact furious for you.

Thank you. Thank you for being mad. I was mad, furious too at times. But I let all that out. I really did and I just don't feel angry anymore on a daily basis. My IC told me to honor all my emotions and to let them out. And I did for several months and then I was done. I've posted here about the times I asked her to leave. I was furious and sad and devastated and done and I'd ask her to get out. She could have said "I can't take this anymore" and just left but she stuck it out and fought to stay. I still get angry from time to time but it's fleeting and I express my anger, she acknowledges it and we move on.

 

That is how I see it. You can disagree with me (I'm sure you will) and I am sorry if I have overstepped my bounds but I am really just being as honest as I can.

I don't disagree with a lot of it because it's not defensible.

 

You asked what else you "should" be doing. There is nothing you "should" be doing unless it's what you feel is appropriate. But since you asked, I would consider going for that polygraph now. Plenty of time has passed. If she fails that question about previous affairs, then you will have a really big piece of information that right now is missing. It is hard for me to believe that someone like her has gone through 31 years of marriage and then suddenly cheated on you with a dough boy/micro dick with a rap sheet.

I felt like she was always capable of cheating and things don't look good for her based on what she did. But remember in that last call to him she said "You're my only lie". I plan to have her take the poly but that tells me this was her first affair.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So you post as a therapy...you don't want advice....but you like to argue.

 

Understood.

 

I hate to argue. I really do. I guess I don't see what I'm doing as arguing? And I don't see what I'm doing as asking for advise.

 

I'm listening to your opinion on any given facet of this and giving mine in response. Am I supposed to just accept what you say and agree?

[aliveagain]

Sorry, I overlooked your post Maz.

 

She met him at an event three years ago and he is the husband of a friend. He contacted her out of the blue on Facebook. She had no idea of his background or history during any of the affair. He did talk quite a bit about getting into fights and things of that nature but never indicated he has served time in prison.

 

It started out as FB flirting and progressed quickly to phone sex and then sex over a 4 week period. He was very aggressive and really fed her lines that she totally fell for. She is an adult woman and should have known better but the OM just turned up the heat little by little. She has said many times the attention he gave her felt really good and she loved it. She has always been like that, she loves the attention from men but now she see's she cannot ever flirt or be like that again if she wants to remain married.

 

I was given the rap sheet in November by my PI. I withheld it for several months and I'm not sure why. I knew it would scare her because one of the first times I mentioned that he might have raped her(or worse) had she resisted that first time I think it hit home how stupid she was to meet someone she really did not know at an empty house.

 

But I let her see it about a month and a half ago well after she had started conveying to me she hated him and was seeing him for what he was.

 

She was really scared for a couple of weeks after I showed her his rap sheet and asked me to get her a handgun or mace. That is another reason I don't feel like she would ever contact him again. She might cheat with someone else but not him.

 

Just two items to consider. He was the husband of a friend, more about her lack of boundaries which I am sure you are addressing. The second one is about her meeting him at an empty house, this is what cheating Realtor's do, is he a Realtor? Did she not just pass her Realtor's exam? Would this concern you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hate to argue. I really do. I guess I don't see what I'm doing as arguing? And I don't see what I'm doing as asking for advise.

 

I'm listening to your opinion on any given facet of this and giving mine in response. Am I supposed to just accept what you say and agree?

 

Nope....you are supposed to do exactly what you want or need to do. What I think is totally irrelevant.

 

And what I think is...

[VeryBrokenMan]

Just two items to consider. He was the husband of a friend, more about her lack of boundaries which I am sure you are addressing. The second one is about her meeting him at an empty house, this is what cheating Realtor's do, is he a Realtor? Did she not just pass her Realtor's exam? Would this concern you?

 

Yes obviously it concerned me but here is the thinking that gives me peace. I know I cannot control my wife's choices and I do not own her. If she wants to cheat she will do so and all the boundaries and checks will mean little. She would come to resent those anyway. That is why I asked her to stop checking in all day long. All I can do is set the expectation that if she cheats I'm done and be in a place emotionally where that's ok.

[aliveagain]

Yes obviously it concerned me but here is the thinking that gives me peace. I know I cannot control my wife's choices and I do not own her. If she wants to cheat she will do so and all the boundaries and checks will mean little. She would come to resent those anyway. That is why I asked her to stop checking in all day long. All I can do is set the expectation that if she cheats I'm done and be in a place emotionally where that's ok.

 

Maybe it's just me but it takes time to get a Realtor's licence, she would have had to have started about the time she started her affair. I know the time required to get your licence varies from area to area, it can be as short as 6 months to a year. Is this how they met or is Other Man the reason she went into real estate? Too much of a coincidence for me. Also, real estate is one of the riskiest career choices for the potential of infidelity, it's way up there in the ratings. Bad choice for someone with poor boundaries.

Edited April 3, 2015 by aliveagain

[jbrent890]

Have you ever considered that it is the fear of starting over that is keeping her there? I'm guessing your wife is in her 40s or 50s. It is a lot harder for women at that age to find potential mates, so that fear maybe what's keeping her there. I don't know, I'm just trying to offer an alternative to the finance defense that you are giving. I also agree with Hope, it is time for that polygraph.

[Hope Shimmers]

Good point but I think you are seeing her as a cunning cheater and not the decent moral person she actually is (ignore the affair).

 

Perhaps, but that's sort of like saying that a house fire would be a good thing if it wasn't for all the smoke, flames, and destruction.

 

And if as you say she knew she was getting half anyway why would she go to the trouble of the meeting? Why not just move for divorce if that is what she wanted?

 

Why would she go to the trouble of the meeting? That's part of why I figured she would know it was not real. But I see your point too.

 

And I didn't say she wants to divorce you. I am sure she does not. And if you feel that it is for the right reasons, then that's all that matters.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm guessing your wife is in her 40s or 50s. It is a lot harder for women at that age to find potential mates,

 

Thank you for that tidbit of encouraging news

[Mazerati]

I'm guessing your wife is in her 40s or 50s. It is a lot harder for women at that age to find potential mates, so that fear maybe what's keeping her there.

 

Ummmmmm.........really????

 

Thank you for that tidbit of encouraging news

 

As a 50's almost 60's male, I too find that comment almost laughable, but the insensitivity precludes me from doing so.

 

Nothing is more sexy than a mature woman, you can take that to the bank, and cash it.?

 

Maz

[sidney2718]

Does posting here mean I'm implicitly asking for advise?

 

Maybe I'm just looking for alternate opinions or arguments to my positions and thinking.

 

Sadly, posting on here is tantamount to asking for advice.

 

But that's not the point. You've made your position clear and defended it with passion. There seems to be little more to be said.

[Mrs. John Adams]

well thank you...as woman that just turned 60...i appreciate that

[Hope Shimmers]

Ummmmmm.........really????

 

 

 

As a 50's almost 60's male, I too find that comment almost laughable, but the insensitivity precludes me from doing so.

 

Nothing is more sexy than a mature woman, you can take that to the bank, and cash it.?

 

Maz

 

Thank you. I'm in my 40s and hope life isn't over yet!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sadly, posting on here is tantamount to asking for advice.

 

But that's not the point. You've made your position clear and defended it with passion. There seems to be little more to be said.

 

 

Sidney...you are right...maybe there is nothing more to be said.

[Mazerati]

Thank you. I'm in my 40s and hope life isn't over yet!

 

Nah, you're just getting to the good stuff. ?

All you have to do is believe. ?

Maz

[hippiefreak]

Well, I can be that way too. I will set myself a course of action, not sway from it, but then I'll go out and ask people's opinion on my decision.

 

 

Lifewasted, ah, so that explains it. Not knowing that, is why I bailed out on page 27 of your thread after having posted only once on the previous page. In your story, I sensed your pendulum swinging back and forth between uncertainty and resolve, and saw you would receive a lot of advice but then periodically assert yourself like you had your mind already made up ahead of receiving that advice. Prior resolve. That puzzled me. I bailed right after one of those assertions, wondering if you were playing people to an extent, and not wanting to be played. From what you've said here, I now see I was mistaken. I am not a regular on these boards and in the future I'll keep your style in mind and will know that I can always ask. Thank you for your comment.

 

 

(sorry for the digression here, folks.)

[LifeWasted]

Lifewasted, ah, so that explains it. Not knowing that, is why I bailed out on page 27 of your thread after having posted only once on the previous page. In your story, I sensed your pendulum swinging back and forth between uncertainty and resolve, and saw you would receive a lot of advice but then periodically assert yourself like you had your mind already made up ahead of receiving that advice. Prior resolve. That puzzled me. I bailed right after one of those assertions, wondering if you were playing people to an extent, and not wanting to be played. From what you've said here, I now see I was mistaken. I am not a regular on these boards and in the future I'll keep your style in mind and will know that I can always ask. Thank you for your comment.

 

 

(sorry for the digression here, folks.)

 

It's okay. Most people are confused by me. Nothing new.

[sidney2718]

Nah, you're just getting to the good stuff. ?

All you have to do is believe. ?

Maz

 

Maz is quite right. I'm older than he is and I know he's right.

[LifesontheUp]

She has said many times the attention he gave her felt really good and she loved it. She has always been like that, she loves the attention from men but now she see's she cannot ever flirt or be like that again if she wants to remain married.

 

 

VBM, I am all for reconciling, it depends on the people involved, committment etc.

 

But for me, I find the above worrying. She has always flirted? Is this her first affair that you know of? Is she in IC to get to the bottom of why she allowed herself to have an affair.

 

A lot of what you post does appear to put the majority of the blame on the OM for his agressive pursuit. But your wife was happy to go along with it.

 

I don't know, but someone who has flirted all their life, it must be difficult to get away from that behaviour. Does it ever go away? Or does it just cease for a while so things die down? Its been a part of your wife so long, I just wondered.

[Lion Heart]

VBM, I am all for reconciling, it depends on the people involved, committment etc.

 

But for me, I find the above worrying. She has always flirted? Is this her first affair that you know of? Is she in IC to get to the bottom of why she allowed herself to have an affair.

 

A lot of what you post does appear to put the majority of the blame on the OM for his agressive pursuit. But your wife was happy to go along with it.

 

I don't know, but someone who has flirted all their life, it must be difficult to get away from that behaviour. Does it ever go away? Or does it just cease for a while so things die down? Its been a part of your wife so long, I just wondered.

 

Red flag ^^^^

 

IF your wife needs her ego stroked by other men, there's a problem with her self esteem.

 

A self-assured person does NOT need nor WANT the attention of OPs. In fact I can't stand unwanted attention, most especially of a sexual or flirting nature. It's sleazy IMHO. I'm a faithful woman, so I've had to practise my speils in response to being hit in or flirted with and it truly does my head in. It's not necessarily a difference between the sexes thing though I think men crave that attn more generally than women. Don't shoot because I'm still working this out! It's just often posted here by men "sure I like attn, who doesn't!" .....me.

 

I've known at least 2 men intimately who also couldn't stand it.

Drop dead gorgeous and incredibly faithful.

 

Maybe it's the fidelity gene / cheating gene oft mentioned.

 

My belief is that if someone needs ego kibbles from OP and they're in a supposed committed relationship, then that's a red flag that they're not self-assured ("confident" maybe, being a personality thing, self-assured being a character thing IMOO).

 

To stay committed after adultery, a person like this would need IC. The cheating is all on them. They've got work to do.

 

Lion Heart.

[beach]

When will the polygraph be done?