Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[aliveagain]

I've seriously considered this but I have some huge issues with the divorce and splitting of assets. I'm fine with losing half of everything but what does that accomplish in the long run if we stay together? The big thing I see is that my attorney gets richer and I lose control of half of assets that I've worked really hard to earn. Why not keep the possibility of divorce as a future deterrent instead?[/QUOTE]

 

 

This and her marriage vows were not enough to stop her from having an affair, why should it be anymore of a deterrent now?

[fellini]

This and her marriage vows were not enough to stop her from having an affair, why should it be anymore of a deterrent now?

 

Because going through DDAY changes both the betrayed and the wayward. Many (not all) waywards who did not see themselves cheating, ever, and then did, are fully capable of going through with it as long as it remains a secret.

 

Once all hell breaks loose and the atomic bomb goes off, it affects everyone and everything within range.

 

THAT experience can be a huge change agent in anyone's life.

 

You are not going to see this easily in LS naturally, we are talking about being there in the matrimonial home dday forward and living through this horrible life minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year - with the WS along for the same ride. If you haven't been there, you perhaps won't understand it, or believe it possible.

 

But it is.

[aliveagain]

Because going through DDAY changes both the betrayed and the wayward. Many (not all) waywards who did not see themselves cheating, ever, and then did, are fully capable of going through with it as long as it remains a secret.

 

Once all hell breaks loose and the atomic bomb goes off, it affects everyone and everything within range.

 

THAT experience can be a huge change agent in anyone's life.

 

"You are not going to see this easily in LS naturally,"

 

 

we are talking about being there in the matrimonial home dday forward and living through this horrible life minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year - with the WS along for the same ride. If you haven't been there, you perhaps won't understand it, or believe it possible.

 

But it is.

 

You are right, I will never see it because with my life experience I will never compromise myself that way for someone that selfish again. I respect myself and value myself too much. Anyone that enters into a relationship with me has to have the same boundaries, they can't expect me to honour our boundaries while they have the freedom to do whatever they want. I love as deeply as any other man or woman and if someone is too selfish or too stupid to try me on it, well they won't be in my life too much longer. We all put our own value on ourselves and what we stand for. Deciding to reconcile is neither right or wrong. If you can swallow a sh*t sandwich and are willing to chance another that is your decision. Does it really matter if they say they never intended to hurt you because that just means they never intended you to find out, they were still going to cheat and continue to cheat. You finding out about it only limited the time your life was at risk but it never changed anything about the real person they were. After discovery they learned to manage that person or reconciliation would not be possible. I just chose to not be with that person because I now had the truth about who they lied about being.

 

We all make choices, as I said before there is no right or wrong as long as your reason for making your choice is made because your being true to yourself and it's what you really want. Do not compromise yourself because of fear.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You are right, I will never see it because with my life experience I will never compromise myself that way for someone that selfish again. I respect myself and value myself too much. Anyone that enters into a relationship with me has to have the same boundaries, they can't expect me to honour our boundaries while they have the freedom to do whatever they want. I love as deeply as any other man or woman and if someone is too selfish or too stupid to try me on it, well they won't be in my life too much longer. We all put our own value on ourselves and what we stand for. Deciding to reconcile is neither right or wrong. If you can swallow a sh*t sandwich and are willing to chance another that is your decision. Does it really matter if they say they never intended to hurt you because that just means they never intended you to find out, they were still going to cheat and continue to cheat. You finding out about it only limited the time your life was at risk but it never changed anything about the real person they were. After discovery they learned to manage that person or reconciliation would not be possible. I just chose to not be with that person because I now had the truth about who they lied about being.

 

We all make choices, as I said before there is no right or wrong as long as your reason for making your choice is made because your being true to yourself and it's what you really want. Do not compromise yourself because of fear.

 

I think I'm willing to go forward because she is willing to change and I don't see that as a compromise. I see that as standing firm for my needs and expectations. She tells me (or promises me) from the bottom of her heart that this will never happen again, that she is going to change herself, that she is going to work hard at being successful at her new profession so she is happy with herself. I have to take a leap and open my heart to her to allow us to move forward.

 

I was surprised by my emotions just a few days ago when it seemed that I wanted out. I thought I was over those feelings but my IC tells me that this is not a straight path from point a to point b and there are going to be swings from top to bottom. She says there may be days a year from now that I think I want to divorce but to just ride them out. Last week after road mentioned that I was talking about it too much to allow healing I decided I would try not talking about it for a while. I have not mentioned the affair or anything about our relationship since last Thursday and that is a record. I've rarely been able to go two days in a row without being triggered or wanting to talk about it. So far it's helped, I'm able to function and put the intrusive thoughts out of my mind easily.

 

But it's tough day to day and over the past couple of months I'm seeing more and more selfishness that I clearly just did not see before. It's like everything she does now is weighed against how selfish she is on that particular issue. On the issues that I feel are worth the fight I've pointed it out and she has agreed every time that it is selfish. She does this without an attitude or being defensive. She clearly want's no part of that behaviour anymore and is sincere when she says she hates that trait in herself.

 

So I don't see her as "managing" me or the situation at all. What is happening in our case is her intense desire to change herself for the better and a clear focus on making me and my needs her priority. She has hormonally related migraines from time to time and she had one yesterday, yet throughout the evening she was attentive and engaged. I knew she was in agony but at bedtime she wanted to make love so I did not feel neglected. She did not just lay there and ask if I wanted to, she actively engaged me. I knew she was feeling bad so I just snuggled in next to her and we went to sleep but the last thing she said to me was that she was sorry for all my pain. That is the nature of our relationship now, it is not an act, she is taking concrete steps to put me before her. I see that as selfishness slipping away and selflessness taking it's place. And selflessness is what I have given her all these years and I think the light bulb came on for her a few months ago at her IC.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This and her marriage vows were not enough to stop her from having an affair, why should it be anymore of a deterrent now?

 

Obviously divorce is not a deterrent at all, forget I said that.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Because going through DDAY changes both the betrayed and the wayward. Many (not all) waywards who did not see themselves cheating, ever, and then did, are fully capable of going through with it as long as it remains a secret.

 

Once all hell breaks loose and the atomic bomb goes off, it affects everyone and everything within range.

 

THAT experience can be a huge change agent in anyone's life.

 

You are not going to see this easily in LS naturally, we are talking about being there in the matrimonial home dday forward and living through this horrible life minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year - with the WS along for the same ride. If you haven't been there, you perhaps won't understand it, or believe it possible.

 

But it is.

 

 

This is actually a very good point (among many you make). I wonder how many of the men here that are dead set against reconciliation had a) truly remorseful spouse, b) a relationship worth saving c) a wife they still lusted after and d) gave it a chance? I think for many (if not most) men divorce is the only option and they never give the WW a chance to make amends. So you're right they cannot conceive of anyone reconciling or how a remorseful wife that worships you can allow you to heal from the intense pain.

 

You are so right when you say an affair is a huge change agent for both spouses. My WW was one that was clearly outraged by anyone who was cheating, yet she did it. She has said she never thought she would be a cheater and she says that with a sincerity and a sadness in her voice that you have to believe is real. I just know she let herself down in a HUGE way.

 

An affair is a change agent. It changes everything. I know I see the world and our relationship totally differently and I see the changes she is making in herself. Time will tell if all this change will be enough to keep us together but today it's enough.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Well then...what do you want?

 

It changes from day to day, but right now I want to continue to move forward. I think as long as she is taking steps to change for the better that will continue to be my focus.

[fellini]

You really have to love LS to listen to this patronising BS.

 

"Deciding to reconcile is neither right or wrong." good on you. But then you just have to say about people who have done something you obviously have zero respect for "if you can swallow a **** sandwich. .. blah blah blah.

 

don't talk about being "true to oneself" if you are going to continue to play with words like a stacked deck. You don't respect reconciliation because you have a clear idea about why it's wrong for everyone, and therefore you. you are not in a position to judge anyone for doing something you wouldn't even consider doing. You simply do not have that rIght.

 

Feel free to make full use of the personal pronoun "I", but when your discourse swithches to "you" you have no experience and no idea.

You are not me.

 

 

You are right, I will never see it because with my life experience I will never compromise myself that way for someone that selfish again. I respect myself and value myself too much. Anyone that enters into a relationship with me has to have the same boundaries, they can't expect me to honour our boundaries while they have the freedom to do whatever they want. I love as deeply as any other man or woman and if someone is too selfish or too stupid to try me on it, well they won't be in my life too much longer. We all put our own value on ourselves and what we stand for. Deciding to reconcile is neither right or wrong. If you can swallow a sh*t sandwich and are willing to chance another that is your decision. Does it really matter if they say they never intended to hurt you because that just means they never intended you to find out, they were still going to cheat and continue to cheat. You finding out about it only limited the time your life was at risk but it never changed anything about the real person they were. After discovery they learned to manage that person or reconciliation would not be possible. I just chose to not be with that person because I now had the truth about who they lied about being.

 

We all make choices, as I said before there is no right or wrong as long as your reason for making your choice is made because your being true to yourself and it's what you really want. Do not compromise yourself because of fear.

[BlauFrau]

You seem like a nice guy. (I'm a woman but) I've been cheated on before. It was a three month affair. I found out after a month and my guy pretended to end it but it went on behind my back for 2 months. They only actually met in person twice during a long weekend in month 1 and another in month 3 the end. By the second time he met her he realized he really hated her because she was cruel and inconsiderate and was only manipulating him and I was kind and sweet and genuinely loved him. But it was too late because I found out about the second meeting and couldn't forgive him a second time.

 

My advice to you cut her off financially, make her get a job, then you'll see if she really wants to be with you.

In my opinion, she is a childish and inconsiderate twit and you deserve better.

[fellini]

im having the exact same experience with my WS. I had a marriage worth saving and a family to really want to be with. Nothing outside of this really matters. Good luck moving forward.

 

This is actually a very good point (among many you make). I wonder how many of the men here that are dead set against reconciliation had a) truly remorseful spouse, b) a relationship worth saving c) a wife they still lusted after and d) gave it a chance? I think for many (if not most) men divorce is the only option and they never give the WW a chance to make amends. So you're right they cannot conceive of anyone reconciling or how a remorseful wife that worships you can allow you to heal from the intense pain.

 

You are so right when you say an affair is a huge change agent for both spouses. My WW was one that was clearly outraged by anyone who was cheating, yet she did it. She has said she never thought she would be a cheater and she says that with a sincerity and a sadness in her voice that you have to believe is real. I just know she let herself down in a HUGE way.

 

An affair is a change agent. It changes everything. I know I see the world and our relationship totally differently and I see the changes she is making in herself. Time will tell if all this change will be enough to keep us together but today it's enough.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You seem like a nice guy. (I'm a woman but) I've been cheated on before. It was a three month affair. I found out after a month and my guy pretended to end it but it went on behind my back for 2 months. They only actually met in person twice during a long weekend in month 1 and another in month 3 the end. By the second time he met her he realized he really hated her because she was cruel and inconsiderate and was only manipulating him and I was kind and sweet and genuinely loved him. But it was too late because I found out about the second meeting and couldn't forgive him a second time.

 

My advice to you cut her off financially, make her get a job, then you'll see if she really wants to be with you.

In my opinion, she is a childish and inconsiderate twit and you deserve better.

 

It's very hard to forgive once let alone twice. I don't think I could do it either. I'd like to say I know I could not do it but until you've been there you just don't know.

 

No offense but I think your characterization of her is way too kind. She is much worse that childish and inconsiderate and I'm sure that is the kindest way you can put it and still be civil Thank you for your comments, I think we all deserve better. No one should ever be cheated on.

 

I did not have to cut her off financially, she cut herself off. She only spends money on absolute necessities now. And she's worked hard to get her real estate license the past few months.

Edited April 14, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[drifter777]

VBM: One thing you seem to have going for you that I didn't is that you seem bound and determine to forgive if at all possible. You're willing to give her a chance to prove her remorse and rebuild trust. I just buried all of it in my mind and refused to face reality. That ate away at me and by the time it bubbled over forgiveness, for me, was not possible. Too much pain, humiliation, and gas-lighting had occurred.

 

If your wife can earn your forgiveness and you are open to it then you can possibly get there. I'll urge you again to read the book "How Can I Forgive You?" It's a great blueprint for true forgiveness.

[aliveagain]

You really have to love LS to listen to this patronising BS.

 

"Deciding to reconcile is neither right or wrong." good on you. But then you just have to say about people who have done something you obviously have zero respect for "if you can swallow a **** sandwich. .. blah blah blah.

 

don't talk about being "true to oneself" if you are going to continue to play with words like a stacked deck. You don't respect reconciliation because you have a clear idea about why it's wrong for everyone, and therefore you. you are not in a position to judge anyone for doing something you wouldn't even consider doing. You simply do not have that rIght.

 

Feel free to make full use of the personal pronoun "I", but when your discourse swithches to "you" you have no experience and no idea.

You are not me.

 

You are right I am not you, you are not me. The first two times infidelity happened in my life I was like most, made the same mistakes, begged, pleaded, changed myself to please a selfish person. The third and forth time I chose my own path so if it works for you, fabulous. I am not the one looking over my shoulder, I am safe.

 

VBM, you will know if you've made a mistake. I hope things work out because you deserve happiness. All anyone can do on LS is give you advice based on their personal experience. It is up to you as to the advice you follow. All wayward's are not the same, yours never invited her lover to your home for dinner pretending to be a girlfriends date. Use the parts that work for you, file the rest under B/S. I do use "I" a lot because "I" am not in a relationship with anyone. Some posters are in conflict with just about everyone.

Edited April 14, 2015 by aliveagain

[turnera]

I've seriously considered this but I have some huge issues with the divorce and splitting of assets. I'm fine with losing half of everything but what does that accomplish in the long run if we stay together? The big thing I see is that my attorney gets richer and I lose control of half of assets that I've worked really hard to earn. Why not keep the possibility of divorce as a future deterrent instead?

Then tell her the only way you'll continue with her is if the two of you go to a lawyer and put through an ironclad postnup agreement stating that if she screws up again she walks away with nothing.

[fellini]

No wonder. Although I doubt that begging, pleading, and promises of change is what MOST BS's have done.

 

It's hard enough to reoncile when it's the WS doing the begging, the pleading, the changing.

 

to be safe essentially means to stay out of relationships.

 

 

 

You are right I am not you, you are not me. The first two times infidelity happened in my life I was like most, made the same mistakes, begged, pleaded, changed myself to please a selfish person. The third and forth time I chose my own path so if it works for you, fabulous. I am not the one looking over my shoulder, I am safe.

 

VBM, you will know if you've made a mistake. I hope things work out because you deserve happiness. All anyone can do on LS is give you advice based on their personal experience. It is up to you as to the advice you follow. All wayward's are not the same, yours never invited her lover to your home for dinner pretending to be a girlfriends date. Use the parts that work for you, file the rest under B/S. I do use "I" a lot because "I" am not in a relationship with anyone. Some posters are in conflict with just about everyone.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Then tell her the only way you'll continue with her is if the two of you go to a lawyer and put through an ironclad postnup agreement stating that if she screws up again she walks away with nothing.

 

My attorney has assured me that a post-nup is worthless for our situation. He will be glad to do it for me but legally means nothing.

[VeryBrokenMan]

My FWW asked me last night what was up. She noticed the total lack of talk about the affair the past few days and asked what I was thinking. I told her not to assume everything was OK because I was not talking about it. Just that I wanted to try to heal and we seem to be going in circles with nothing productive coming out of our discussions. She understood.

 

She initiated sex later (which is a huge change) and we ended up talking after because I could not continue. I was just not feeling it and stopped mid way through. The last couple of weeks I'm just feeling numb and going through the motions not just with her with everything. I guess this may be a new stage I'm in. I told her I just feel empty and she told me she gets it, that it's normal and she can wait as long as needed.

 

During our talk she reiterated that she loves me and that she will never have another affair and that she is not ever leaving me several times. She also said something new, she said she never had any desire to have an affair prior to her affair and she really will never have one now. It helps to hear that she was not out looking for an affair and that it did just "happen" because of the opportunity. Please don't jump on me for saying that it "just happened", I hate that as much as anyone especially when she said that to me. I know it was a choice on her part but the choice was not to go looking for it, the choice was to accept it when the opportunity came along. And that seems to me to be a huge difference.

[VeryBrokenMan]

No wonder. Although I doubt that begging, pleading, and promises of change is what MOST BS's have done.

 

It's hard enough to reoncile when it's the WS doing the begging, the pleading, the changing.

 

to be safe essentially means to stay out of relationships.

 

Their are absolutely no guarantees that any future wife or partner would not cheat on you. And that fact is lost on the people that ask if I'm worried that my wife will cheat again. She might, but should I choose to divorce and remarry I run the exact same risk.

[aliveagain]

My attorney has assured me that a post-nup is worthless for our situation. He will be glad to do it for me but legally means nothing.

 

VBM, they at best are a deterrent because they require a challenge to be done in a Court of law and that requires money. For myself a structured agreement of some type makes sense in my next relationship. Deloitte is in the process of selling my company so I have more financial risk than I have ever had in my life. Once you hit your middle age, your children are grown up, you are a gourmet cook, you have people that come to clean your home, other things take precedence. Happiness is my number one priority. Once the worry about money is gone you think more about preserving your wealth for your children.

 

If marriage vows and threat of divorce weren't enough to stop them from cheating(if you really want to be with this person) sometimes a financial consequence may have the desired effect. Let them prove that the post nuptial is not enforceable.

[Rainbowlove]

My FWW asked me last night what was up. She noticed the total lack of talk about the affair the past few days and asked what I was thinking. I told her not to assume everything was OK because I was not talking about it. Just that I wanted to try to heal and we seem to be going in circles with nothing productive coming out of our discussions. She understood.

 

She initiated sex later (which is a huge change) and we ended up talking after because I could not continue. I was just not feeling it and stopped mid way through. The last couple of weeks I'm just feeling numb and going through the motions not just with her with everything. I guess this may be a new stage I'm in. I told her I just feel empty and she told me she gets it, that it's normal and she can wait as long as needed.

 

During our talk she reiterated that she loves me and that she will never have another affair and that she is not ever leaving me several times. She also said something new, she said she never had any desire to have an affair prior to her affair and she really will never have one now. It helps to hear that she was not out looking for an affair and that it did just "happen" because of the opportunity. Please don't jump on me for saying that it "just happened", I hate that as much as anyone especially when she said that to me. I know it was a choice on her part but the choice was not to go looking for it, the choice was to accept it when the opportunity came along. And that seems to me to be a huge difference.

 

I'm not jumping on the "I didn't go looking for it" excuse, VBM.

 

I said the same thing. I told my wife, "It's not like I went on some dating website looking for an affair...it literally just happened".

 

We all know that it didn't just happen. It's more than just a choice to cheat.

 

There were a series of bad judgments and poor boundaries that were made on your wife's part. We know this.

 

She has to stop making excuses. She's not far along enough in the process of healing to really see that's what she's doing, but someday I hope she does.

 

I would never ever say to my wife today that "I didn't go looking for it". I didn't, but I sure as hell didn't stop it and should have and I wish I did.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm not jumping on the "I didn't go looking for it" excuse, VBM.

 

I said the same thing. I told my wife, "It's not like I went on some dating website looking for an affair...it literally just happened".

 

We all know that it didn't just happen. It's more than just a choice to cheat.

 

There were a series of bad judgments and poor boundaries that were made on your wife's part. We know this.

 

She has to stop making excuses. She's not far along enough in the process of healing to really see that's what she's doing, but someday I hope she does.

 

I would never ever say to my wife today that "I didn't go looking for it". I didn't, but I sure as hell didn't stop it and should have and I wish I did.

 

To be fair, she only said "it just happened" very early after dday and since then then has called it "a horrible choice" and she has not been making excuses. She has said "I wish I'd never done it and I wish I would have stopped it" many times. I think I'm more guilty of making excuses than she has ever been and you guys have called me on it a number of times.

[bigman1]

Out of curiosity, how would she know that your current emotional state is "normal"? That just sounds really odd to me.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Out of curiosity, how would she know that your current emotional state is "normal"? That just sounds really odd to me.

 

Both of us have discussed this with our IC's. It's normal to have feelings of emptiness, apathy and indifference during the healing process. As well as anger and rage. A better word would be "expected" rather than "normal".

[Rainbowlove]

All you can do is go through it, VBM.

 

Only time will tell if you can heal and reconcile fully together.

 

Truthfully, I'm one fortunate soul.

 

My wife has always been "in it" even when I was not able to be.

 

When we first decided to stay together, I had doubts my heart could ever return to her. I didn't feel much of anything for her when I said goodbye to my XAP, but I wanted to. I wanted us. I wanted her. I wanted our family.

 

Logically, I wanted it.

 

Emotionally, I was dead inside. I had nothing...but I took each day as they came and I held on to hope.

 

Today, I'm with my wife. My heart is with her. My soul is with her.

 

I doubted for a long time and thought of tossing in the towel a lot.

 

Maybe it's different b/c you were betrayed by her and I was the betrayer, but I see it as both of us wanting to return to something that seemed lost forever.

 

In my case, in time, I found my wife again. I found myself again.

 

In time, maybe you will, too.

 

Healing is a slow painful process.

 

I wish it for you.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[LifeWasted]

Please don't jump on me for saying that it "just happened", I hate that as much as anyone especially when she said that to me. I know it was a choice on her part but the choice was not to go looking for it, the choice was to accept it when the opportunity came along. And that seems to me to be a huge difference.

 

Hmmmm. Well, you have to ask her...was she looking for the opportunity?

 

Frankly I think she is full of *****. Can spontaneous affairs occur? Yeah, if you believe what you see on the movie Unfaithful, I guess they do. My ex wife had her ONS after getting stoned and drunk at a party...that is her excuse. What she could not explain to me is why she ended up at a party where there were lots of single men, single and married women, all doing drugs and drinking booze, and why I was not invited to that party. Her inability to come up with a believable explanation is what tipped me over into D.

 

I wouldn't go all aces on your WW, but I would challenge her that what she told you is bullsh*t. She allowed herself or willfully put herself into a situation where the affair was either facilitated or encouraged.

 

In the end, what it comes down to, is that she wanted to. And until she admits that, admits to herself that she does have that dark passenger on board which makes her more than capable of that kind of treachery, until she admits that, yes, she can be a bad person when she wants to be, she's going to stall out and not do what she needs to do to change.

Edited April 15, 2015 by LifeWasted