Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[fellini]

As I have explained in another thread, I believe that affairs can occur "spontaneously".

 

As I put it then: if you asked my WW 30 seconds prior to "spontaneous event" if she would ever cheat on her husband, she would have been shocked at not only the prospect, but that someone would suggest to her that she might.

 

if you asked her within hours of receiving an unsolicited surprise hug from behind from a co-worker who had not given her the time of day until then, she would have said "ummmmm...."

 

On that day had the two of them not made physical contact, I probably would not be here today. The rider on that being of course, that he never touched her like that during a particularly vulnerable time of her life.

 

Under normal circumstances she would have shrugged him off like any other man who came on to her, as she has had to do during the greater part of her professional life. But on this day it just didn't happen.

 

Hmmmm. Well, you have to ask her...was she looking for the opportunity?

 

Frankly I think she is full of *****. Can spontaneous affairs occur? Yeah, if you believe what you see on the movie Unfaithful, I guess they do. My ex wife had her ONS after getting stoned and drunk at a party...that is her excuse. What she could not explain to me is why she ended up at a party where there were lots of single men, single and married women, all doing drugs and drinking booze, and why I was not invited to that party. Her inability to come up with a believable explanation is what tipped me over into D.

 

I wouldn't go all aces on your WW, but I would challenge her that what she told you is bullsh*t. She allowed herself or willfully put herself into a situation where the affair was either facilitated or encouraged.

 

In the end, what it comes down to, is that she wanted to. And until she admits that, admits to herself that she does have that dark passenger on board which makes her more than capable of that kind of treachery, until she admits that, yes, she can be a bad person when she wants to be, she's going to stall out and not do what she needs to do to change.

Edited April 15, 2015 by fellini

[VeryBrokenMan]

Hmmmm. Well, you have to ask her...was she looking for the opportunity?

I will ask her that but I'm certain of the answer and I feel like it will be the truth. She was depressed and really unhappy with life. She was not looking for anything. He contacted her out of the blue and told her she was beautiful and it made her feel really good and things progressed from there.

 

In the end, what it comes down to, is that she wanted to. And until she admits that, admits to herself that she does have that dark passenger on board which makes her more than capable of that kind of treachery, until she admits that, yes, she can be a bad person when she wants to be, she's going to stall out and not do what she needs to do to change.

She's admitted that she wanted to. She says it was a choice to do it because he made her feel good and she did it without any thought of me. She admits she is a horrible person and she tells me she hates that person. She is changing and I know I cannot really convey how much she is changing but she is. A good example is she texted me yesterday "when are you coming home, I miss you" and then before I could respond texted "never mind, that was selfish". She is watching herself so I don't have to.

[Furious]

These are some excepts from the call to her lover, she said it was two or three minutes but it was actually 75 minutes.

 

Does this sound like someone that I should forgive and try to reconcile with? (Serious question, my judgement is not great right now)

 

Excerpts:

 

01:15:33

He texted me Monday morning and asked me all these questions, and I was just lying to him, you know.

 

01:18:00

This has been to terrible (crying) this has been terrible.

 

 

01:20:00

And you know this is (pause) it started out like a game to me but it didn’t end up being a game for me.

 

 

01:20:00 There is nothing for you to be sorry about. This is awful (crying)

 

 

01:22:00

I can’t express how terrible this is. Gaaad it’s awful.

 

01:23:00

And I need you now more than ever

 

 

01:23:17 And no matter what I’m always going to miss you

 

01:25:00

I mean I have to be tested for STD’s (incredulous)

There are so many things in this ****ed up situation and of course I have to do everything. You know. I have no say unless I just walk away.

 

01:30:00

He said he understood I was grieving too and I needed to be able to call you and have closure but I don’t know how that can ever be (crying)

 

01:31:00

I’m going to miss you too (crying)

(crying)

01:34:00

You know that and the fact that you were filling a void I have with him and now I don’t have you either.

 

01:35:00

He barely speaks to me and now I can’t be with the man that actually appreciates me.

 

01:36:00

 

He has always been obsessed with me. Always.

 

01:38:00

 

He does not know the kind of man you are. And I’m not sharing all my deepest darkest things about you.

 

01:38:00

 

I miss the man that tells me I’m beautiful. That knows my heart and appreciates it.

 

01:39:00

 

I’m not sorry about (pause) which speaks to part of the problem is.

That I’m not really sorry I did this because you came to mean so much to me.

 

And I'm not sorry we had this relationship, I'm sorry that I got caught

 

 

01:41:00

I’d live in a cardboard box if I could escape all this right now

 

01:45

I want you to know I think you are a really good guy. (crying)

Me too (crying)

 

01:50

Oh yeah, he will. I’ll tell him we just talked for 2 or 3 minutes and I told you bye.

 

 

01:52:00

We need to hang up, I hate to, I don’t want to be without you (crying)

 

 

01:53:00

If you need to get me I’ll be here mornings

 

01:54:00

And I need you to know that I really do love you and it’s really hard for me to let you go.

 

So maybe some other day we can talk.

 

 

It's amazing how far you and your wife have progressed since this phone call you recorded.

 

As to spontaneous affairs, I think it's hogwash. Perhaps, temptation can be spontaneous but days, weeks, months or even years in being in an affair is not spontaneous.

[Rainbowlove]

I will ask her that but I'm certain of the answer and I feel like it will be the truth. She was depressed and really unhappy with life. She was not looking for anything. He contacted her out of the blue and told her she was beautiful and it made her feel really good and things progressed from there.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I think that happens a lot with some of us waywards.

 

For me, I was so emotionally disconnected from my wife before my affair, but I didn't realize it. I was just numb in a sense going through the motions of life for years probably. Sad, I know...but I truly was unaware of it.

 

Then, I met my XAP. There was a spark. There was a connection. I felt alive again. I didn't ever see myself as someone who would or could have an affair, so I wasn't aware of the possibility that someone else could turn my head.

 

I was 41 years old and never cheated on anyone in my life.

 

When we are that disconnected to life and ourselves, anything is possible.

 

I'm not giving her or myself a pass, I'm saying, we are capable of the unthinkable if we are low enough and lost enough.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm certain affairs can happen spontaneously with people that have said previously they would never cheat. We've discussed this before here but I can say today that even given a perfect opportunity that I would never cheat. I truly believe that and I'm certain many BS here would say the same thing.

 

But what if a hot woman came into my life and aggressively pursued me and made me feel special and loved. She listened to what I had to say and agreed with me on everything. She told me we had chemistry and that she loved me and could not live without me. What then? If I'm honest I say I don't know what I'd do. I don't want to be a cheater but until your looking down the barrel of a gun does anyone of us really know what we would do?

 

Am I just a future cheater or are we all capable of cheating? Can I can see a scenario where if I thought I would never be caught and the reward was greater than the risk I might take it? I really think I would say no, I would not cheat.

 

But could it happen spontaneously? What if this hot women was at an empty house and no one knew and she came on strong and she wanted me. Would my character and morals and love for my wife make me strong enough to resist? Would you be strong enough to resist?

 

I'm just saying a lot of affairs happen because of an opportunity and occur spontaneously at least on the woman's part since they are not typically the aggressor in a new relationship.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It's amazing how far you and your wife have progressed since this phone call you recorded.

I agree it is amazing that we have come this far. They had sex the first time almost exactly 6 months ago. And it no longer hurts to think about that most of the time. But six months ago that was all I could think about.

 

The woman on that call is not a person I know and that is not a person that she knows either. A lot of people talk about being in the "affair fog" and I always thought that was garbage. But I do see now that people can become disconnected with reality and what is really important to them.

 

She read that transcript for the first time a couple of weeks ago and she was shaking her head the whole time. The best response she gave me was that the OM was the only person in the world at the time that would have given her support and validation for her poor choices. She needed to tell him those things to feel better about herself and he was doing the same. That's what affair partners do, they justify their actions and the affair to each other so they don't feel like total losers. And no one else in the world will give them that support.

[LifeWasted]

 

She's admitted that she wanted to. She says it was a choice to do it because he made her feel good and she did it without any thought of me. She admits she is a horrible person and she tells me she hates that person. She is changing and I know I cannot really convey how much she is changing but she is. A good example is she texted me yesterday "when are you coming home, I miss you" and then before I could respond texted "never mind, that was selfish". She is watching herself so I don't have to.

 

What was she depressed about?

 

She's not a horrible person. That's a cop-out to gain sympathy. You need to nip that talk in the bud.

 

She is a normal person who unfortunately had crap for boundaries, allowed herself to step over those boundaries, and she needs to build those boundaries back up and become a safe wife to you again.

[VeryBrokenMan]

What was she depressed about?

 

She's not a horrible person. That's a cop-out to gain sympathy. You need to nip that talk in the bud.

 

She is a normal person who unfortunately had crap for boundaries, allowed herself to step over those boundaries, and she needs to build those boundaries back up and become a safe wife to you again.

 

I explained the events that led up to the affair a few pages ago. She lost her mother about 18 months prior to the affair and her sister moved out of state after her mothers death. She was very close to both of them and had not gotten over the loss.

 

She is not looking for sympathy when she talks about anything affair related and I don't give her any. She really believes what she did was tragically wrong on many levels.

 

She does have terrible boundaries and we both recognize that is what allowed the affair to gain traction. If she truly does not want to have another affair then those boundaries are what will protect her and she gets that.

[LifeWasted]

Am I just a future cheater or are we all capable of cheating? Can I can see a scenario where if I thought I would never be caught and the reward was greater than the risk I might take it? I really think I would say no, I would not cheat.

 

But could it happen spontaneously? What if this hot women was at an empty house and no one knew and she came on strong and she wanted me. Would my character and morals and love for my wife make me strong enough to resist? Would you be strong enough to resist?

 

I'm just saying a lot of affairs happen because of an opportunity and occur spontaneously at least on the woman's part since they are not typically the aggressor in a new relationship.

 

We lapse into affair when we don't have solid, identifiable boundaries in place. Without boundaries, all our good intentions and morality aint for sh*t.

 

Why would you be in an empty house with a hot woman? Because you allowed yourself to stay in that house with her instead of booking it out of there. That is a boundary crossed.

 

Biblical ref: There is a reason Joseph ran like Usain Bolt when Potiphar's wife tried to seduce him. He didn't smile and walk out...he ran for dear life, because he knew if he stayed he would not be able to resist her. He stayed within his boundary. He got thrown in prison, yeah, but he stuck to his boundaries.

 

Your wife needs to sit down with you and write out a list of boundaries when it comes to her interactions with men:

 

1) I will not let myself be caught alone in a room with a man not my husband.

 

2) I will not go on hen parties to nightclubs where I know men will hit on me..

 

3) I will not hang out at the water cooler with male coworkers...

and so on...

 

Then you write out your boundaries when it comes to your interactions with other women.

 

When you are both done you both sign each list..like a contract, and you stick to them.

[drifter777]

As I have explained in another thread, I believe that affairs can occur "spontaneously".

 

As I put it then: if you asked my WW 30 seconds prior to "spontaneous event" if she would ever cheat on her husband, she would have been shocked at not only the prospect, but that someone would suggest to her that she might.

 

if you asked her within hours of receiving an unsolicited surprise hug from behind from a co-worker who had not given her the time of day until then, she would have said "ummmmm...."

 

On that day had the two of them not made physical contact, I probably would not be here today. The rider on that being of course, that he never touched her like that during a particularly vulnerable time of her life.

 

Under normal circumstances she would have shrugged him off like any other man who came on to her, as she has had to do during the greater part of her professional life. But on this day it just didn't happen.

You still cling to this as a rational reason for her affair? A hug from some guy got her panties wet and sex was inevitable after that. Really? From a hug?

 

What color is the sky in your world?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Why would you be in an empty house with a hot woman? Because you allowed yourself to stay in that house with her instead of booking it out of there. That is a boundary crossed.

But just for the sake of argument what if you did find yourself at that house through no conscious choice and she was hot to be with you? What then? Here is my point, if given the opportunity that looked safe from a getting caught standpoint how many men would stick to their convictions?

 

BTW, this is not my wife's situation, she clearly chose to meet the OM that day however she did not intend to have sex but fully admits it would have happened later. I'm just posing this as a question as to how many of us would be strong enough to resist temptation? And does that not tell us something about monogamy and how f&*ked up it is to expect us not to behave like animals given an opportunity? I'm not sure I fully agree with what I'm saying, just tossing it out for discussion.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You still cling to this as a rational reason for her affair? A hug from some guy got her panties wet and sex was inevitable after that. Really? From a hug?

 

What color is the sky in your world?

 

From what I've seen it does not take much more than that. To go from 31 years of marriage to sex with a stranger in 21 days took just 5 hour long phone calls with him saying how beautiful she was. I think when a woman is emotionally venerable anything can happen and they can do things that none of us could imagine prior.

[Hope Shimmers]

From what I've seen it does not take much more than that. To go from 31 years of marriage to sex with a stranger in 21 days took just 5 hour long phone calls with him saying how beautiful she was. I think when a woman is emotionally venerable anything can happen and they can do things that none of us could imagine prior.

 

Sorry. Not buying what you are selling.

 

I was emotionally vulnerable for the entire time of a 15+ year crappy marriage and managed to wait until I was divorced.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Sorry. Not buying what you are selling.

 

I was emotionally vulnerable for the entire time of a 15+ year crappy marriage and managed to wait until I was divorced.

 

So it has nothing to do with being vulnerable? They just choose to do it for their own selfish reasons?

[LifeWasted]

But just for the sake of argument what if you did find yourself at that house through no conscious choice and she was hot to be with you? What then? Here is my point, if given the opportunity that looked safe from a getting caught standpoint how many men would stick to their convictions?

 

BTW, this is not my wife's situation, she clearly chose to meet the OM that day however she did not intend to have sex but fully admits it would have happened later. I'm just posing this as a question as to how many of us would be strong enough to resist temptation? And does that not tell us something about monogamy and how f&*ked up it is to expect us not to behave like animals given an opportunity? I'm not sure I fully agree with what I'm saying, just tossing it out for discussion.

 

A) You pull her arms off you, say "thanks but no thanks" and you book...

 

Alot of men would stick by their convictions actually. I would. I grew up on the California coast. Gorgeous women are a dime a dozen there, so I'm used to them I guess. It wouldn't be a problem for me. But I'm speaking for myself.

 

B) I don't think its ****ed up to expect monogamy. Next to whales humans have the largest brains of all vertebrates. We can use that brain to weigh our options and choose to skank-out or not to. Again I think you are looking for ways to minimize what your WW did. Your wife went through several steps on her way to sleeping with that guy, then did it repeatedly...she had multiple... dozens... a plethora of opportunities to do the right thing and she chose not to.

 

I agree that some people are not monogamous, like Giraffe, and should not be in LTRs of any kind. Maybe your WW is such a person. I don't know.

[VeryBrokenMan]

A) You pull her arms off you, say "thanks but no thanks" and you book...

 

Alot of men would stick by their convictions actually. I would. I grew up on the California coast. Gorgeous women are a dime a dozen there, so I'm used to them I guess. It wouldn't be a problem for me. But I'm speaking for myself.

 

B) I don't think its ****ed up to expect monogamy. Next to whales humans have the largest brains of all vertebrates. We can use that brain to weigh our options and choose to skank-out or not to. Again I think you are looking for ways to minimize what your WW did. Your wife went through several steps on her way to sleeping with that guy, then did it repeatedly...she had multiple... dozens... a plethora of opportunities to do the right thing and she chose not to.

 

I agree that some people are not monogamous, like Giraffe, and should not be in LTRs of any kind. Maybe your WW is such a person. I don't know.

 

Beautiful women are a dime a dozen here as well and I've been around quite a few. I'm just not sure how honest you are being with yourself(or me with myself) when we say we could resists. Maybe we both could resist but I'm not sure either one of us really knows. And admitting that is giving up the moral high ground that my IC (and many other sources) tell me is necessary for reconciliation. None of us truly knows what we would do.

 

I've read some research that says we are as a species monogamous by choice and not governed by some internal force or drive. I'm not sure I believe that because I'm not sure i could cheat for reasons other than my convictions. I don't think I have it in me but maybe others are less (or more) evolved.

[Hope Shimmers]

So it has nothing to do with being vulnerable? They just choose to do it for their own selfish reasons?

 

I think you can be vulnerable and still make decisions. Everyone is vulnerable at some time in their life. It just seems like you are saying that because she was vulnerable, she just lost all rationality and became putty.

 

It isn't easy and I'm not perfect, and frankly, this situation has come up recently in my own life and although it is tempting I didn't and won't stop engaging my brain instead of other parts that would have preferred a different outcome. It also helped that this particular guy is a class act and has the type of character that would never put anyone in that kind of situation. That is the kind of person to find and never let go of, but I think they are rare.

 

I don't think 'vulnerable' can have anything to do with it.

 

Honestly, you keep saying that her mom died 18 months ago and her sister moved... this stuff happens to EVERYONE. And much, much worse things happen to many people.

[fellini]

You still cling to this as a rational reason for her affair? A hug from some guy got her panties wet and sex was inevitable after that. Really? From a hug?

 

What color is the sky in your world?

 

And ii see you continue to ridicule and distort threads from those who have lived through infidelity but chosen to reconcile.

 

I said very very clearly and succinctly that because he made physical contact with her she began to look at him completely differently. I said it took over a year before she was able to move her initial response to even get to the first kiss with him. She read the feelings she got from his presence and his touching her as being more than just friends and liked the feeling she was getting from that interpretation. Once this idea is planted in someone's head it takes on a life of its own. This is only the beginning of how someone gets into an affair. This is not my thread so I'm not going to populate it with the 100 of tiny decisions and actions she subsequently took to bring him into her affair.

 

But of course your position is it doesn't start anywhere right? Well it does .

 

The point is, and no one says you have to believe it, that day was the first day she started to see him in a different light. Day, no: that specific encounter turned her head. She went directly to her friends office to recount this to her.

 

So drifter why don't you at least show the courtesy and respect that others show you and stop this BS provocation and demeaning of my experience with infidelity. Your reply to me is one of the most immature and condescending comments I have seen in months and this aimed at someone who is a BS himself and still suffering from triggers and intrusions and sitting on the cusp of 2nd year anniversary DDAY you have presented youself as nothing less than a moron.

[road]

VBM, you are wasting your time defending the state of your WW mind from when the seeds for the affair were planted to the time the affair ended.

 

 

You are listening to people that rather bash your WW and make you doubt your decision to recover your marriage. They are not supporting you nor helping you.

[beach]

I explained the events that led up to the affair a few pages ago. She lost her mother about 18 months prior to the affair and her sister moved out of state after her mothers death. She was very close to both of them and had not gotten over the loss.

 

She is not looking for sympathy when she talks about anything affair related and I don't give her any. She really believes what she did was tragically wrong on many levels.

 

She does have terrible boundaries and we both recognize that is what allowed the affair to gain traction. If she truly does not want to have another affair then those boundaries are what will protect her and she gets that.

 

But she has terrible boundaries, right?

 

So that indicates she's not likely to impose a solid, healthy boundary when the next hottie comes on to her.

 

 

What does her boundary look like now?

[Hope Shimmers]

You are listening to people that rather bash your WW and make you doubt your decision to recover your marriage. They are not supporting you nor helping you.

 

I don't think anyone here has said anything about her that the OP hasn't said himself. Certainly I haven't seen any 'bashing'.

 

Perhaps the OP can be the one to decide what is supportive and helpful and what isn't, instead of you.

[turnera]

So it has nothing to do with being vulnerable? They just choose to do it for their own selfish reasons?

The human psychology is VERY complicated, and it contains a LOT of factors, such as FOO, fears, strengths, dysfunction, learned behaviors, as well as current factors like your marriage, your friends, etc. Every situation leading UP to an affair is unique. Of course, once the cheating starts, the SCRIPT kicks in.

[drifter777]

And ii see you continue to ridicule and distort threads from those who have lived through infidelity but chosen to reconcile.

 

I said very very clearly and succinctly that because he made physical contact with her she began to look at him completely differently. I said it took over a year before she was able to move her initial response to even get to the first kiss with him. She read the feelings she got from his presence and his touching her as being more than just friends and liked the feeling she was getting from that interpretation. Once this idea is planted in someone's head it takes on a life of its own. This is only the beginning of how someone gets into an affair. This is not my thread so I'm not going to populate it with the 100 of tiny decisions and actions she subsequently took to bring him into her affair.

 

But of course your position is it doesn't start anywhere right? Well it does .

 

The point is, and no one says you have to believe it, that day was the first day she started to see him in a different light. Day, no: that specific encounter turned her head. She went directly to her friends office to recount this to her.

 

So drifter why don't you at least show the courtesy and respect that others show you and stop this BS provocation and demeaning of my experience with infidelity. Your reply to me is one of the most immature and condescending comments I have seen in months and this aimed at someone who is a BS himself and still suffering from triggers and intrusions and sitting on the cusp of 2nd year anniversary DDAY you have presented youself as nothing less than a moron.

 

You will say anything to justify your view that your WW was a victim of sexual circumstances. That once he touched her some magic happened and she floated away on infatuation. I have zero respect for your Pollyanna denial-fest and you don't like being called on your sh*t. Tell me, is she still working with her AP?

 

See me however you like - I don't care one bit about your opinion of me. You consistently give out sound advice and I appreciate your contributions on LS. But I can't take it when you get on this "one hug is all it took" crap.

 

Oh, and grow up.

[Hope Shimmers]

Now, now. Play nice, everyone.

[fellini]

Now, now. Play nice, everyone.

 

Never mind, I've taken enough crap from this guy over time. Exit stage right.