Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[VeryBrokenMan]

Honestly, you keep saying that her mom died 18 months ago and her sister moved... this stuff happens to EVERYONE. And much, much worse things happen to many people.

 

You're right of course. Bad things happen to people every day and I see that is just an excuse I'm making.

[VeryBrokenMan]

But she has terrible boundaries, right?

 

So that indicates she's not likely to impose a solid, healthy boundary when the next hottie comes on to her.

 

 

What does her boundary look like now?

 

Why can't I expect real change on those boundaries or do you feel "once a cheater always a cheater" is true and no one can change?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Just found out that piece of garbage low life MF just tried to call her on the house phone. She did not take the call and called me immediately. We talked for a long while because she was so upset and her emotions were real and I know she wants nothing to do with that POS rapist.

 

He's the kind of guy that does not give up even in the face of hard rejection. We made that clear in the last call to him that we made together. But I know he would try to suck her back in given the chance but I also I know she will not give him that chance. I'm not sure what the most effective way is to let him know to NEVER try to contact her again. I just want him gone from our lives. I am so f&*king furious right now I can't think straight. Who the f&*k does he think he is to try to make f&*king contact six months later.

[understand50]

VBM

 

"Why can't I expect real change on those boundaries or do you feel "once a cheater always a cheater" is true and no one can change?"

 

I am sure your wife has very different boundaries as of right now. The trick is to make sure, both for her and you, that you both keep to those boundaries. If your wife wants to continue the marrage she will keep and communicate those boundaries, and talk to you when she gets near them. (some guy hitting on her, she starting to feel something for another guy). BTW, you are going to have to be open to her talking, about this, and you asking her in a non threatening way, when you have concerns. I guess for myself, boundaries only work when both my wife and I can talk about them and help reinforce each other. Cheaters can change, it all come down to how much they want to.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mazerati]

Just found out that piece of garbage low life MF just tried to call her on the house phone. She did not take the call and called me immediately. We talked for a long while because she was so upset and her emotions were real and I know she wants nothing to do with that POS rapist.

 

He's the kind of guy that does not give up even in the face of hard rejection. We made that clear in the last call to him that we made together. But I know he would try to suck her back in given the chance but I also I know she will not give him that chance. I'm not sure what the most effective way is to let him know to NEVER try to contact her again. I just want him gone from our lives. I am so f&*king furious right now I can't think straight. Who the f&*k does he think he is to try to make f&*king contact six months later.

 

Kudos to WW for not taking his call, and notifying you immediately. Speaks volumes.

With respect to POS exAP, a restraining order may be your best option. Also maintaining a united front and confront him, may deter future contact if that is the decision you two make.

Why did he come back after so long? The answer lies in the last long phone call she had with him. As far as he is concerned that call told him it never ended.

Six months have passed, and based on her encouragement of that phone call, he believes she will be an easy mark. Appreciate your anger, focus it with your W, and work together to eliminate this vermin.

Maz

Edited April 16, 2015 by Mazerati

[VeryBrokenMan]

Kudos to WW for not taking his call, and notifying you immediately. Speaks volumes.

With respect to POS exAP, a restraining order may be your best option. Also maintaining a united front and confront him, may deter future contact if that is the decision you two make.

Why did he come back after so long? The answer lies in the last long phone call she had with him. As far as he is concerned that call told him it never ended.

Six months have passed, and based on her encouragement of that phone call, he believes she will be an easy mark. Appreciate your anger, focus it with your W, and work together to eliminate this vermin.

Maz

 

We both called that POS a week after that last phone call and she told him never to contact her again. But you're right, he did not believe the last call, he believes all the things she told him in the prior call.

[Mazerati]

We both called that POS a week after that last phone call and she told him never to contact her again. But you're right, he did not believe the last call, he believes all the things she told him in the prior call.

 

I understand, that's why I said long phone call. Yes he does not believe it was over, he probably believes you "pressured" her into breaking it off with the final call. So he sat in the weeds and waited for time to pass then strike again.

Again while this is a very difficult situation, from my perspective her actions should provide comfort. She knows the type of person she cheated with, and I am sure she is fearful. I am glad she has the facts on him. If she didn't, who knows what could happen. Kudos to you for showing her!

A restraining order is in your best interest, because he is a convicted rapist. That should scare him straight so to speak.

 

 

Good luck!!!

Maz

[VeryBrokenMan]

Yes he does not believe it was over, he probably believes you "pressured" her into breaking it off with the final call. So he sat in the weeds and waited for time to pass then strike again.

Yep, now that I've had a couple of hours to think about it I agree. Wife came by and talked for an hour or so and is inconsolable, the call really freaked her out. She agrees that his thinking is based on that long last call. He was really pissed off during the last call we made together and I think he took it personally so I'm sure he has been plotting to win her back since. If the f&*king loser had any clue how she really feels about his tiny d&*k and fat ass he would never try again. I have not felt this kind of rage since I found out, it's one thing to seduce my wife once but to disrespect me by calling her months later after she tells him not to contact her again is something totally different.

[Mazerati]

Yep, now that I've had a couple of hours to think about it I agree. Wife came by and talked for an hour or so and is inconsolable, the call really freaked her out. She agrees that his thinking is based on that long last call. He was really pissed off during the last call we made together and I think he took it personally so I'm sure he has been plotting to win her back since. If the f&*king loser had any clue how she really feels about his tiny d&*k and fat ass he would never try again. I have not felt this kind of rage since I found out, it's one thing to seduce my wife once but to disrespect me by calling her months later after she tells him not to contact her again is something totally different.

 

He does not care if he disrespects you, he already did by having sex with your wife, you are a non-entity, and pardon for this, in his world a cuckold. Your wife a notch on his belt. Now that time has passed, and for reasons you outlined, he is making a play for her to show you who is in control. He did it once and in his mind knows he can again. Hind sight while never 20/20, that one phone call is coming back to play havoc on your reconciliation. Dont allow it to build that wall. You two have made excellent progress, and while it is still early it is promising.

I urge you to retain an attorney and file a restraining order signed by your wife ASAP. Show the vermin SHE is now in charge.

 

Maz

[aliveagain]

Just found out that piece of garbage low life MF just tried to call her on the house phone. She did not take the call and called me immediately. We talked for a long while because she was so upset and her emotions were real and I know she wants nothing to do with that POS rapist.

 

If I recall in her previous call that your PI made a transcript of, the house phone is the phone she told him to call on and to call in the morning. This appears to be what he has done. Don't you think it is time to finally tell his wife or are you still worried that he will come after you if you expose the POS?

 

He's the kind of guy that does not give up even in the face of hard rejection. We made that clear in the last call to him that we made together. But I know he would try to suck her back in given the chance but I also I know she will not give him that chance. I'm not sure what the most effective way is to let him know to NEVER try to contact her again. I just want him gone from our lives. I am so f&*king furious right now I can't think straight. Who the f&*k does he think he is to try to make f&*king contact six months later.

 

He doesn't see you as a risk to him, he's already a looser, he knows your afraid of him, you haven't exposed the affair to his wife of one year, all he had to do is threaten to kill you if you did and you haven't. Your going to have to take a hard stand here soon. This is your wife's second affair, you haven't told your kids, where's the consequences? This guy thinks he can have your wife anytime he wants because your wife led him to believe that, read the transcript again if you need proof. You are directing your anger to the wrong person, think about who put you here and who your relationship is with. Remember she refused to end her relationship with him for another 39 days after your initial confrontation.

Edited April 17, 2015 by aliveagain

[aliveagain]

VBM please take what I am about to write not as an attack but things you have to consider with regards to your situation. I am very worried about you even though I don't know you. On January 20th, 2015 you posted a list of patterns that pertain to your relationship with your wife, many of the patterns you posted could have been written by me with reference to my ex. I feel that I would be compromising myself if I don't bring them to your attention in light of the newest circumstances (other man attempting contact with your wife). The one good thing is that she told you about it.

 

LIST OF PATTERNS

 

. double standards - always saying she would leave me if I had an affair.

 

. never being happy with me being thin and athletic(she chooses a friends husband, a 300lbs. beer bellied convicted sex offender who spent 6 years in prison for his sex offence.

 

. being dishonest and omitting truths.

 

. flirting with other men your entire 35 plus year relationship.

 

. making you feel insecure about her actions/flirting/comments.

 

. blaming you entirely for relationship problems, you accepting the blame.

 

. being emotionally distant.

 

. showing little affection unless she wanted something.

 

. using sex as a weapon/reward.

 

. rejecting sex for years when she decided.

 

. she saying no to sex/intimacy anytime she wanted and you saying yes to everything possible financially(trips, cars, houses, furniture).

 

. talking about how attractive other men are in front of me.

 

. always expecting me to change for her to be happy.

 

. never telling me how she felt about anything.

 

. putting me last every time she gets overwhelmed with life.

 

. hinting/inability to tell me what you want/desire/expect from me.

 

. could not have phone sex or send me naked pictures yet did with affair partner.

 

 

VBM, these are just some of the things you posted. Now add to your list the fact that this is her second affair you know about in the last ten years. My question is "how does a stay at home mom become so accomplished in fellatio and new sexual positions from just two encounters with her latest married man? Her traits and patterns are very poor wife traits and show very little respect for you. They show the behaviour of someone caught and in fear of loosing a lifestyle. It took her 39 days to finally break it off with a friends husband after you initially confronted her and only after you secured the services of a private detective. Reading your list has me asking "is VBM compromising himself just to keep himself married to a woman that has so little respect for him?" Are you afraid of the future without her? Ask your IC about codependency, see if it fits your scenario. Please go back and read your earlier texts, are you being manipulated? Do you know all the truth? Why not make a polygraph test a requirement of reconciliation, regardless of what you believe about their accuracy. What I see from your posts is a temporary behaviour from your wife, kiss your a$$ until you get over it than back to normal.

 

I think other man sees your wife as his meal ticket and thinks that they are still an item. This is his 4th marriage and has only been married one year to your wife's friend. That means that for most of this new marriage he has been cheating with your wife, your wife knows this. Again, other man is not your biggest concern, your wife is. Humour me, what else have you got to loose? I hope I am wrong but I'm just giving you my honest opinion based upon your postings.

Edited April 17, 2015 by aliveagain

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM please take what I am about to write not as an attack but things you have to consider with regards to your situation. I am very worried about you even though I don't know you. On January 20th, 2015 you posted a list of patterns that pertain to your relationship with your wife, many of the patterns you posted could have been written by me with reference to my ex. I feel that I would be compromising myself if I don't bring them to your attention in light of the newest circumstances (other man attempting contact with your wife). The one good thing is that she told you about it.

 

LIST OF PATTERNS

 

. double standards - always saying she would leave me if I had an affair.

 

. never being happy with me being thin and athletic(she chooses a friends husband, a 300lbs. beer bellied convicted sex offender who spent 6 years in prison for his sex offence.

 

. being dishonest and omitting truths.

 

. flirting with other men your entire 35 plus year relationship.

 

. making you feel insecure about her actions/flirting/comments.

 

. blaming you entirely for relationship problems, you accepting the blame.

 

. being emotionally distant.

 

. showing little affection unless she wanted something.

 

. using sex as a weapon/reward.

 

. rejecting sex for years when she decided.

 

. she saying no to sex/intimacy anytime she wanted and you saying yes to everything possible financially(trips, cars, houses, furniture).

 

. talking about how attractive other men are in front of me.

 

. always expecting me to change for her to be happy.

 

. never telling me how she felt about anything.

 

. putting me last every time she gets overwhelmed with life.

 

. hinting/inability to tell me what you want/desire/expect from me.

 

. could not have phone sex or send me naked pictures yet did with affair partner.

 

 

VBM, these are just some of the things you posted. Now add to your list the fact that this is her second affair you know about in the last ten years. My question is "how does a stay at home mom become so accomplished in fellatio and new sexual positions from just two encounters with her latest married man? Her traits and patterns are very poor wife traits and show very little respect for you. They show the behaviour of someone caught and in fear of loosing a lifestyle. It took her 39 days to finally break it off with a friends husband after you initially confronted her and only after you secured the services of a private detective. Reading your list has me asking "is VBM compromising himself just to keep himself married to a woman that has so little respect for him?" Are you afraid of the future without her? Ask your IC about codependency, see if it fits your scenario. Please go back and read your earlier texts, are you being manipulated? Do you know all the truth? Why not make a polygraph test a requirement of reconciliation, regardless of what you believe about their accuracy. What I see from your posts is a temporary behaviour from your wife, kiss your a$$ until you get over it than back to normal.

 

I think other man sees your wife as his meal ticket and thinks that they are still an item. This is his 4th marriage and has only been married one year to your wife's friend. That means that for most of this new marriage he has been cheating with your wife, your wife knows this. Again, other man is not your biggest concern, your wife is. Humour me, what else have you got to loose? I hope I am wrong but I'm just giving you my honest opinion based upon your postings.

 

I can't defend the person she was. Everything in that list hurts to read and think about. I feel pretty silly trying to come up with reasons to stay if I only consider that list.

 

I think the reason I'm giving it a shot is not because I'm afraid to lose her. I just think based on her actions the last few months that there is a glimmer of true change in her. And she has changed everything on that list. I have no idea if those are permanent changes of if she is just waiting for things to cool off but I'm willing to see how things can be before I decide. I've let her know that I'm still not fully committed to staying. I have commited to stay until the one year mark and then I'll see where we are.

 

We were up at 3:30am this morning talking about her affair. I had been awake for a couple of hours and I guess she noticed and woke up and asked if I was OK. That has been the new normal, putting me first, she could have just gone back to sleep.

 

One of the things we talked about was selfishness and where that came from and when it started. The first 6 years of our relationship she was none of the things in your list. Then we had kids and that is when ALL the bad things started surfacing. I'm speculating that she felt like she had to be selfish where I was concerned because she had to be so selfless for the kids. And she was selfless. She bent over backwards and gave them the best possible childhood any mother could give a child. So it's hard for me to fault her for putting me last all those years.

 

The problem is after the kids that selfishness never left and in some ways got worse. But she see's that and she totally gets how selfish she has been. She does not want to be that person with me I think in large part because she has never been that person with anyone else in her life. She is not a bad person just a very bad spouse and she wants to change that.

 

I value our family and that includes my children and my wife as a unit. The kids are all adults and gone but there is value to me to continue to have holidays and family events together because we are a close family and I don't want to see that split up. I've weighed the positives and negatives and the positives AT THIS POINT out weigh the negatives.

 

I'm listening to what you have to say and taking it to heart but right now I believe what she is telling me and I'm willing to see where it takes us but my eyes are wide open.

[aliveagain]

The only other thing I could have added to your list of patterns is the pattern of picking a fight over almost nothing so she could leave the house. I found out later that this was her way of keeping her date with other man. Your list absolutely applied to my situation and probably to most other betrayed spouse's on here. She has a 35 year pattern of behavior, how do you just change that in a couple of months? Sorry but that is the truth, I've been there and I pray you never have to endure what I went through, no one should have to suffer that way.

[Mazerati]

He doesn't see you as a risk to him, he's already a looser, he knows your afraid of him, you haven't exposed the affair to his wife of one year, all he had to do is threaten to kill you if you did and you haven't. Your going to have to take a hard stand here soon. This is your wife's second affair, you haven't told your kids, where's the consequences? This guy thinks he can have your wife anytime he wants because your wife led him to believe that, read the transcript again if you need proof. You are directing your anger to the wrong person, think about who put you here and who your relationship is with. Remember she refused to end her relationship with him for another 39 days after your initial confrontation.

 

VBM,

Is the statement that this is your wife's second affair true? And do your children know what is going on. Just curious.

[beach]

One phone call and that OM holds that much power over you two that he upsets you that much?

 

I wish you could both get to a neutral point where nothing he might say or do has any value to you and her.

 

 

A response that severe means there is still so much unresolved emotion.

 

 

To become completely unaffected is great progress in taking your power back and restoring your marriage.

 

I'd suggest getting to a counselor right away to discuss how to become neutral about ANY feelings regarding her OM.

[aliveagain]

VBM,

Is the statement that this is your wife's second affair true? And do your children know what is going on. Just curious.

 

Please see Thread started by VBM: Wife Cheated, Trying To Reconcile, Do I Tell AP's Wife? posted on January 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm.

 

Have you told other man's wife yet, if not why if you want to put a stop to this B/S?

[Mazerati]

Please see Thread started by VBM: Wife Cheated, Trying To Reconcile, Do I Tell AP's Wife? posted on January 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm.

 

Have you told other man's wife yet, if not why if you want to put a stop to this B/S?

 

Thank you, a small blurb on an EA sometime ago. Perhaps something the polygraph examiner can check into. An EA can be worse than a PA. VBM, how,was that A reconciled?

 

Maz

Edited April 17, 2015 by Mazerati

[VeryBrokenMan]

VBM,

Is the statement that this is your wife's second affair true? And do your children know what is going on. Just curious.

 

Yes it's her second, first was EA(as far as I know) 15 years ago. Children do not know at this point and that is my choice she is willing to tell them.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Thank you, a small blurb on an EA sometime ago. Perhaps something the polygraph examiner can check into. An EA can be worse than a PA. VBM, how,was that A reconciled?

 

Maz

 

I confronted her and she tried to hide it for a while. I gave her an ultimatum and she ended it. She has never admited it was an affair, that they were "just friends". I dropped it after she ended it, she says it's fair game to ask questions about it during the polygraph and she has nothing to hide. I'm just not sure her definition of an emotional affair is the same as mine.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The only other thing I could have added to your list of patterns is the pattern of picking a fight over almost nothing so she could leave the house. I found out later that this was her way of keeping her date with other man. Your list absolutely applied to my situation and probably to most other betrayed spouse's on here. She has a 35 year pattern of behavior, how do you just change that in a couple of months? Sorry but that is the truth, I've been there and I pray you never have to endure what I went through, no one should have to suffer that way.

 

What you are saying may very well turn out to be the truth but unless I try I'll never know.

[aliveagain]

Yes it's her second, first was EA(as far as I know) 15 years ago. Children do not know at this point and that is my choice she is willing to tell them.

 

VBM, come on man, stop protecting her behavior or your going to be back here again. This is her consequence for her actions. O/M is causing you grief because of her actions. Your children are adults, what if they find out through an action by O/M? Why won't you tell O/M's wife? You just keep resisting what most have recommended to you about disclosure to his wife. Do you not believe she should know?

[Mazerati]

I confronted her and she tried to hide it for a while. I gave her an ultimatum and she ended it. She has never admited it was an affair, that they were "just friends". I dropped it after she ended it, she says it's fair game to ask questions about it during the polygraph and she has nothing to hide. I'm just not sure her definition of an emotional affair is the same as mine.

 

Could be different on the EA philosophy. But a valid angle to pursue, and you should call her on it. I do agree with Aliveagain, its time to inform OM's wife. It was one thing to let it go initially, now that he is trying to reestablish his control with your W, the gloves are off. IMHO. Let her know!!

And I believe its best for your children to know too. Better from you than social media..

The fallout will be what it will be, and the exposure will be painful, but in the long run worth it Transparency my friend, transparency.

 

Maz

[beach]

Since he crossed your boundary and didn't respect your request to never contact again...

 

 

I think the best consequence is to show up at his house and inform his wife - or at the very least call her directly and tell her what he's done.

 

That may put a stop to his nonsense. It shows your wife you're willing to take solid action against his contact. It shows her you are willing to do something rather than nothing.

 

 

He wants to play with fire? He deserves to get burned. Make that call now.

 

 

And I hope your wife doesn't try to stop you!

[understand50]

VBM

 

It is illegal to threaten to kill someone in these United States. TURN the POS in. File a police report, they will have a talk with the SOB. May arrest him, or tell him if he does it again, off to jail. You may also find out the police are looking for something to take him off the streets. Ether way it builds a record of what is going on. If you have him on tape or a video threading you or your wife, well so much the better, there is one year in jail at least for him. Maybe more as he has a rap sheet. Are you in a 3 strikes state? This is a felony, of at lest a gross misdemeanor, depending where you are. This is not a trivial thing. Keep that in mind before you say something back to him. Have your lawyer contact him. Do this right, and you may put him away.

 

In any case, if I am over stating the situation above, as your FWW does have fear that he may try something and he has a rap sheet, have her file an emergency restraining order. If he breaks it he goes to jail, he lose the ability to buy a firearm right away. (as a felon he should not have a firearm – it a prison term if he does) Life gets hard for him...... This also makes any contact with you or your wife illegal, you have him nailed if he does it again.

 

You need to tell the OW, he sounds like a person who may do her harm. I do not think you want that on your consensus. On the other hand if you do all of the above, unless she is really clueless she will find out. At this point I do not see how you cannot tell his wife.

 

Now think. Your wife had a A, You are not sure you want to R. You say you are still in love with your wife. She is the mother of your children, and even though she helped cause this by her actions, his actions today are not her fault. No one should be in fear, even if what she did was 10 times worse. She needs protection, and needs to feel safe. Take the steps necessary to keep her and yourself safe, if god forbid, he does something to hurt you or wife, you may never know if you both could have reconciled. What would your children think?

 

He is not an honorable man, beside the A, there is the issue of not letting your wife try and save her marriage. This shows several things. His actions are of a predator. You are right, she was seduced, and would not have done anything if he had not come along. This does not let your wife off the hook, in the end she made the choice to have sex with him and betray you, but again, you both informed him you wanted to try and work it out. If he loved her, he would wait until you both divorced to try and reconnect. Your wife was just a woman he could could take advantage of. Look at his record, what is to doubt? These are actions, not hearsay from your wife or somebody else. This does give her side a little weight. Also there is his marriage, again he is a predator, and does not deserve any compassion.

 

Protect your wife and family.

 

You may decide to divorce.

 

You may or may not find out more lies about her past actions. (I have looked at all your treads, and yes your wife has some explaining to do. )

 

Right now you are saying she is trying, she is remorseful, she has told you the truth. You look like you want to try and reconcile. Do not let this POS mess up that chance for you and her. Take action.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

All this time I didn't realize this was her second affair.

 

I thought that if you found out she had had others (during the polygraph), that would be a deal breaker for you.

 

The probability that she 'only' had 2 affairs is extremely low IMO. These are just the ones you happened to find out about.

 

I wish you the best, but I think you are going to hit a wall in a serious and painful way. Selfish people don't just stop being selfish, and manipulators manipulate. She is both, as evidenced by her past actions.

 

I don't understand why you are putting off the polygraph. I am sure she is saying she has no problem with it now, but I'm betting her plan is to make sure it never happens. The only way you will ever know is to do it.