Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Tikkanen]

I don't know what you mean when you say "I loved her" - really, I don't. Do you mean the 'I'm crazy about her & can't live without her" thing?

 

Yes, that is the definition of love - it is one of the basic human emotions.

 

My idea of love is going to work every day to support my family. It's helping with chores around the house. It's being a good father to the children. Its being loyal and reliable. Its both enjoying and providing companionship with her. These things make me a good husband.

 

While these attributes and behaviors you list are certainly admirable, they are not love.

[aliveagain]

This is certainly your most telling statement. If you do not feel in love anymore, what are you trying to save? I understand the loss of trust, dissappointment, hurt and anger, but, if the love is gone......it is over.

 

In my case I lost my love for my now ex when i learned another man put his penis in her a few hundred times. I could not connect her actions to the use of the word mistake. I hope it works out for VBM, his situation is different to mine, I hope the love can come back for him. I just think buying a vibrator would have been a lot easier on their marriage than some felon she ended up with.

[JohnAdams]

I don't know what you mean when you say "I loved her" - really, I don't. Do you mean the 'I'm crazy about her & can't live without her" thing? If it is then I stopped "loving" my wife - the crazy, romantic love - when she cheated. She drove it out of me and it never came back. I was committed to staying married to her for a lot of reasons, but none of them were "I love her".

 

My idea of love is going to work every day to support my family. It's helping with chores around the house. It's being a good father to the children. Its being loyal and reliable. Its both enjoying and providing companionship with her. These things make me a good husband.

 

For me, love is something that is demonstrated by actions as opposed to some magic feeling inside. So I "love" providing for my wife and family in a physical and emotional way.

 

 

Yes, that is what it means. Cheating is a terrible betrayal and many do lose this type of love. But, yes, I am and was crazy about her and did not want to live without her. If you do not feel this way, even with betrayal, I do think divorce is the best and easiest answer. Working and supporting my family, which I have always done is a demonstration of my love, but really is more of a demonstration of my responsibility.

 

 

Love or at least romantic love is made up of a sexual attraction, an attachment or strong connection to your spouse and sharing thoughts and feelings with your spouse, to be in tune with your spouse. It is difficult to have especially the last feelings about your spouse after an affair. But if you are still attracted and have a strong attachment, it is a hard thing to break even after an affair. If I did not still feel that strong attachment, a thought that no one else could replace her, I do not think I would have tried to reconcile.

 

 

An affair is such a betrayal because you trusted someone with all these feelings and they still did this to you. If you can detach from these feelings, then it is time to move on with your life. If you still feel you cannot live without this person even though they stabbed you in the heart, then you have a good chance at reconciliation.

[drifter777]

Yes, that is the definition of love - it is one of the basic human emotions.

 

The infatuation that people feel for each other at the beginning of a romantic relationship is not love. It is simply a biological response that has been supported by evolution because it is important for propagating our species.

[fellini]

The infatuation that people feel for each other at the beginning of a romantic relationship is not love. It is simply a biological response that has been supported by evolution because it is important for propagating our species.

 

There is a truth in that. But it's not anywhere near the whole truth, the whole story is it?

 

It we take a "simple" biological statement at face value like this one, that dopamine production serves to propagate our species we are clearly, deliberately reducing the truth to some insignificant fact of biology.

 

When two people are attracted to each other, a virtual explosion of adrenaline-like neurochemicals gush forth. Fireworks explode and we see stars. PEA or phenylethylamine is a chemical that speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells.

 

Also, involved in chemistry are dopamine and norepinephrine, chemical cousins of amphetamines. Dopamine makes us feel good and norepinephrine stimulates the production of adrenaline. It makes our heart race!

 

These three chemicals combine to give us infatuation or "chemistry." It is why new lovers feel euphoric and energized, and float on air. It is also why new lovers can make love for hours and talk all night for weeks on end.

 

Now this may have in fact been fundamental in primitive societies that dedicated themselves to hunting, gathering and protecting themselves from enemies natural or otherwise, but surely it doesn't take much knowledge to realize we, as a species, have moved WAY BEYOND the limits of chemical activation to procreate.

 

Those chemicals may form the basis of infatuation (a phase in love) but they do not end there, nor do they define love, nor is infatuation necessarily not part of the concept of love. Love is not a frog on a dissection table - and if it were LOVE would be the FROG, not it's entrails.

 

You can no more understand a frog by cutting out its entrails than you can understand love by separating Infatuation, chemistry, flirting, dating, intercourse, cohabitation, creation of family etc. and focus only one one term above all others. You have to pay attention to the whole lifelong process. You have to understand a frog was once a tadpole, and before that looked like caviar.

 

Human beings have always adapted themselves and extended themselves to go places beyond their simple biology. The elaborate construction of marriage institutions, mating rituals, sweet 16 parties,"coming out", creation of statutory rape laws, arranged marriages, marriage for convenience, loveless marriages to forge family fortunes, marking bronze, silver, gold anniversaries all point to our creative intention to do more than just allow chemicals to explode in our brains, screw, procreate, get back to hunting.

 

No; love has evolved with us just as our capacity to engineer our environment and travel to other planets has evolved with our science.

 

And to put a twist on the simplicity of positing the genetic determination of infatuation for procreation, we only need to look at the findings of Helen Fischer who has show, without any doubt, that:

 

those couples who remain in love during years - decades even, long past their requirement to propagate the species continue to produce the same chemicals as those produced during "infatuation" or the falling in love stage. They SEIZE the enormous pleasure derived from the drugged induced infatuation and jointly find ways to maintain that rush throughout their lives together.

 

It seems we use those same chemical reactions to help us to live in strong deeply connected loving and long lasting unions. If that is our desire

 

The chemicals that got us together also help keep us together.

Edited April 23, 2015 by fellini

[DKT3]

This is certainly your most telling statement. If you do not feel in love anymore, what are you trying to save? I understand the loss of trust, dissappointment, hurt and anger, but, if the love is gone......it is over.

 

I think that most of us that have been in very long term relationships/marriages know that "in love" is up and down. I know during my 25 years there has been times where it feels like the great love story and others when I just couldn't find anything to say to her. Times where I can't keep my hands off, others when I don't want to touch her.

 

I don't think its for from the norm, then you throw in the affair.

[bigman1]

I disagree that love is that crazy "I can't live without her" thing. For some, maybe it is. For others, like me, its not. I had those feelings at the start when we dated, but I'm not a feelings kind of guy.

 

I have deep feelings for her beyond those for a friend and different than family. I love my mom and sister, etc, but its different. Sometimes, I want to just be near her, but that' not the deciding factor. She pisses me off, she elates me, and she affects me in ways no one else does. I know I love her.

 

I don't think I would be happy if I felt like I couldn't live without her. For me, that would seem more like obsession and not healthy. Of course, to those who feel that way, I'm not well. In the end, we are committed to each other and show it. She could leave me and I'd be fine. I would not be happy, but I'd get over it. I'd be devastated, actually. But, I'd get over it because that's how I am.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think that in general, men have a much harder time letting go of a less than optimal situation/relationship than woman. Men are supposed to be stronger than women (that's a whole other topic), but not in this type of situation - women seem to be able to assess a situation and if it is no longer working or meeting needs or if the partner is suddenly someone untrustworthy, they have an easier time moving on. Before anyone starts throwing things at me, note that I said "in general".

 

I don't see any need to dissect and analyze what "love" is. It can mean different things to different people. Arriving at some acceptable definition is not magically going to make VBM happy and trusting in his particular relationship. He will have to decide what works for him and what love is to him.

 

Bottom line is, I don't believe that there is just one person out there who is "right" for any other given person. We are capable of loving many people throughout our lives, and while men seem afraid to embrace that concept and want to hang on to the 'familiar' no matter what, women seem to get that and are able to move on more easily.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Love means different things to different people and quite frankly...what it means to me has absolutely nothing to do with what it means to VBM.

 

There are so many issues in his relationship that dwelling on and dissecting what loves means to us is pointless.

 

VBM...has hit the wall

 

We all knew it was coming...we tried to warn him...he argued

 

His completely remorseful wife who has done everything correctly...is not doing enough

 

He who reached absolute forgiveness...has not

 

He is struggling...just like we all tried to tell him

 

My husband and i have been dealing with my infidelity for 31 years...it still haunts us everyday....the wound still reopens....

 

there is no quick fix to this.....it NEVER ENDS

 

It gets better...life goes on...happiness returns

 

Love is a feeling....that requires actions

 

and sometimes...love alone is not enough.

[fellini]

Love is a feeling....that requires actions

 

and sometimes...love alone is not enough.

 

I agree. If I walk away from my marriage it will not be about "love".

It will be about not wanting to continue being what I have bcome having endured being with the woman who for a fleeting moment in our 20 years together, allowed herself to lose her way.

 

And although she would like to have that time in her life where she made those decisions back, she cannot.

 

Love, reconcilliation, remorse, better communication, better marriage. Each of us who has been betrayed have a limit about what we can live with. I don't even think it is even whom we can live with.

 

VBM if in fact you have hit a wall, give yourself some time to find out if that wall is in fact permanent, and if so, bearable.

[understand50]

I think VBM would like to try and R, but has hit a wall, as Mrs Adams states. For Fellini, Mr & Mrs Adams, and others who have kept their marriage together, it may be helpful to speak to HOW you did this. What tools have you developed and use to open up communication, and engage each other in a meaning full way. It is one thing to be told what needs to be done, but how? What worked and did not work for you? I was on a thread last night,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/525292-iso-people-who-did-work-saved-marriage-not

 

and I was struck by the following:

 

“I keep hoping to hear from more people who have gone through this, less about analyzing my situation and offering advice... not that I don't appreciate it, but what I need is something more like a support group, someone to tell me they made it through and things really did get better and this process isn't a waste of time and that the love I feel toward the OM will dissipate and I'll be able to feel it, or something similar, for my husband “

 

Bluemood wants to know if others had made it work, was she doomed to lose her marriage, what can she do.

 

VBM, this is up to you, as you have to decide what is a deal breaker, and what you can do in your marriage. We can let you know what worked for us, but in the end both your wife and you will need to find your own path and what works for you both. The path may be divorce, but not necessary. What do you want? For me, that was the first thing I worked on, did I want to stay married?

 

Aliveagain and Merrmeade, you guys are both good at seeing the issues and holding VBM accountable. So I am not suggesting that you stop. Your posts point out what needs to worked on, and you try and show what is reality I am pro R, if all VBM heard from as pro R folks, I do not think he would be well served. Hard questions will and need to be asked. As I think we all can attest this is not easy.

 

I wrote out my story last night, and posted it as an answer to Bluemood. My wife, then G/F, cheating was long ago. What blew up recently in our marriage was financial infidelity, just as I lost my job in 2008. The issues from the NOS also reared up, and we came real close to divorce. After 7 years, we are still working on our marriage, and of course paying off the debt. I came on LS for ideas. It has been helpful. Right now we are in a good place, but we both know we need to not let it be taken for granted.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are correct that each of us as individuals...and as individual couples...have to scope out our own paths. What might work for me may not indeed work for you.

 

The bottom line for us has been...love, commitment, transparency, time, remorse and forgiveness....and we are certainly not poster children...because we did not do it all correctly.

 

It is not all smooth sailing...there are ups and downs and highs and lows. There are happy times and sad times...and even angry times.....just like in EVERY relationship. Even without infidelity...relationships are complicated. You throw infidelity into the equation.....and it is so much harder.

 

When you begin a relationship...you are on equal footing....and you build the relationship from there....but when you are rebuilding a relationship after infidelity...the footing is now unstable at best. You have to build it back...and shore up the areas that you tore apart.

 

Our relationship was built on love...innocent, pure, young love. I took away the innocence...and I can never get it back. So for us...a very important part of our relationship....of our footing...our foundation...was removed. The love was still there....so we took that love...and built on it....without the innocence..

My infidelity also removed the trust. To regain that footing...I had to become completely and totally transparent...not because he demanded it of me...but because I freely gave it to him.

 

And with time....love...transparency....and the commitment to keep building...I was able to see that in order for him to heal....I had to take the pain. I put the dagger in his heart....I had to be the one to heal him. This was the most difficult part for me....because I just could not understand what he needed.

 

I was sorry...deeply and humbly sorry.....but it was not enough. I had to carry the pain I caused....I had to accept full and total responsibility...and I had to totally understand what I had done.

 

It was then...he could forgive....and it was then....we began to heal each other.

I am convinced...our love and comittment to each other....is ultimately what held us together all these years....and it would have been enough for us to survive.....but we are so very grateful...that we cleared the last hurdle to reach the place we are.

 

I pray vbm...gets past this wall....and moves to the next place in healing.....whether that means divorce or reconciliation.

[ch72]

How do couples move on after infidelity.

 

It's all on the BS. No matter how much remorse and effort a WS shows and gives. If the BS cannot forgive and move on, the marriage will eventually die from a slow build up of resentment over the years.

 

I'm 18 years out from cheating on my wife. Like Mrs. A stated, it never ends. The elephant is ALWAYS in the room for the rest of our lives. My wife still brings it up once in a while and I know she'll never forget. She may have forgiven but she will NEVER forget. How could anyone.

 

If my wife would have cheated, I would have walked out the door without giving her a second glance.

 

BTW, alot of times I see, oh this couple made it and they are truly better, the affair brought them closer together.....

 

Most of the times those marriages were already in trouble and was nothing but crap. Of course you can get better if your marriage was already crappy to begin with.

 

With me, my wife was perfect and did everything for me. I was on cloud 9 and flying high. After the affair, we've slowly climbed back up but I know that we'll never hit cloud 9 again. I've damaged her, she still loves me but she'll never give me 100% ever again. She did it before and look what I did to her.

[john1_2]

VBM, it breaks my heart reading your story. I wish you luck in whatever decision you will make in the future. I would like to point out that you are not being honest with yourself. Lets discuss your divorce papers. You had the papers drawn and it appears that you continuously bring it up with your wife. You should stop it, if your wife calls your bluff you will back away from it. This will make you position and argument weaker. Maybe your wife learned from her mistake and maybe she is remorseful now, I just cannot forget the phone call she made to OM. If he would have been available she would have left you then on the spot! Good luck to you

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm not going to respond individually to your posts like I have in the past because that gets me into the position of sounding like I'm defending her. But I have read them all as usual and appreciate everyone's input.

 

I don't think I hit the wall at all. I think we went through a rough few days, triggered by a call the OM made to my wife that she told me about immediately. That set off a cycle of no sleep and talking about the affair non stop again. This week I have purposely not brought it up at all and the times she has I've stopped her. That helps a lot and I'm feeling really happy about things and life in general.

 

We did talk last night indirectly about the affair for a brief period because we both have read that real estate agents are very prone to cheating. It's the number one profession for women cheaters and number three for men. That is not a great situation given what we've been through but we just have to work through it. She brought it up and we discussed what I needed to feel safe as she moves forward with her career. She had shown some houses this week and was at a gathering where there were many male realtors.

 

We talked about her interactions with these guys and one guy had come up and introduced himself and gave her his card. She told me I had nothing to worry about and she would tell me anytime she had that type of close contact. I asked how long she was willing to do that and she said the rest of our lives. In her words: "I did a terrible thing to you and I completely understand that I need to do this for as long as it takes, I want to be totally transparent because that is the way it should be." We talked about that for a while and then the subject of showing houses came up. She said I needed to look into some type of GPS tracking for her phone so that I would know where she was anytime I needed to. I don't think these are things a cheater would agree to let alone ask for.

 

I told her that all the checks in the world would not matter if she wanted to cheat because she could find a way to hide it. She agreed and said it would never happen again. Everyone here knows that there will always be a risk in a relationship of someone cheating on you. So I think my odds are as good or better with her than any future partner given the fact we've been through this. I can't imagine the type of person that would do this to a spouse a second time and I trust that my wife is not that person.

 

So I feel she is doing all she can to allow me to move forward. She wants our marriage to survive and is completely committed. And at this point it's really up to me to accept that the affair happened, we can't change it and for me to decide if I can live with or without her. It's simple as that. So my thinking is that if she remains committed to repairing the damage that I can move forward and give this a go. We both know it's not a straight line up out of the dark hole. We will fall back in at times because of things like that phone call. That's just the nature of what we ate going through.

[aliveagain]

I'm not going to respond individually to your posts like I have in the past because that gets me into the position of sounding like I'm defending her. But I have read them all as usual and appreciate everyone's input.

 

I don't think I hit the wall at all. I think we went through a rough few days, triggered by a call the OM made to my wife that she told me about immediately. That set off a cycle of no sleep and talking about the affair non stop again. This week I have purposely not brought it up at all and the times she has I've stopped her. That helps a lot and I'm feeling really happy about things and life in general.

 

We did talk last night indirectly about the affair for a brief period because we both have read that real estate agents are very prone to cheating. It's the number one profession for women cheaters and number three for men. That is not a great situation given what we've been through but we just have to work through it. She brought it up and we discussed what I needed to feel safe as she moves forward with her career. She had shown some houses this week and was at a gathering where there were many male realtors.

 

We talked about her interactions with these guys and one guy had come up and introduced himself and gave her his card. She told me I had nothing to worry about and she would tell me anytime she had that type of close contact. I asked how long she was willing to do that and she said the rest of our lives. In her words: "I did a terrible thing to you and I completely understand that I need to do this for as long as it takes, I want to be totally transparent because that is the way it should be." We talked about that for a while and then the subject of showing houses came up. She said I needed to look into some type of GPS tracking for her phone so that I would know where she was anytime I needed to. I don't think these are things a cheater would agree to let alone ask for.

 

I told her that all the checks in the world would not matter if she wanted to cheat because she could find a way to hide it. She agreed and said it would never happen again. Everyone here knows that there will always be a risk in a relationship of someone cheating on you. So I think my odds are as good or better with her than any future partner given the fact we've been through this. I can't imagine the type of person that would do this to a spouse a second time and I trust that my wife is not that person.

 

So I feel she is doing all she can to allow me to move forward. She wants our marriage to survive and is completely committed. And at this point it's really up to me to accept that the affair happened, we can't change it and for me to decide if I can live with or without her. It's simple as that. So my thinking is that if she remains committed to repairing the damage that I can move forward and give this a go. We both know it's not a straight line up out of the dark hole. We will fall back in at times because of things like that phone call. That's just the nature of what we ate going through.

 

VBM, not only is real estate the number one profession for cheating women, it is the profession of her affair partner. The concern I would have is he can walk into her listed home anytime he wants to. Imagine her in an open house scenario and Other Man walks in to view the home? The profession is a poor choice for someone with little respect for boundaries, say someone that was having an affair with a friends husband and was willing to leave her own husband for just a few months ago. I would have less concern for you if I knew the other Betrayed Spouse knew about the affair so she could do her part to make sure that never happens. This one point is what causes me the greatest concern for your marriage. Telling his wife will send a clear message to O/M, it is over, stay the fu*k away from your wife. Till this happens I don't see her as being all in and for your marriage. Keeping their secret from other betrayed spouse stinks of protecting O/M. You may want to have your wife take out a restraining order against him.

 

Cheaters will always find a way to cheat regardless of the obstacle. You should have no doubt that if your wife going through similar circumstances she would behave the same way, she has proven that to you. Making sure she gets the necessary help to change the way she copes with future issues is key.

 

Your comment about you can't imagine what type of spouse would do this a second time bothers me because this is your wife's second time. She already is that type of person and this is why we are all over you with comments about caution because all these things happened just a few months ago. You need to give her a consequence for her selfish action, I don't mean yelling at her a few times. Tell the O/M's wife because the thought of their affair being discovered wasn't enough to stop them before or during the affair. Keeping the secret reeks of manipulation. In the end it is up to her as to how she honours your relationship, it is up to you to tell her how you expect to be treated.

[aliveagain]

Perhaps my reaction to your situation is a result of my own experience. I have never posted this before but my ex was a real estate agent with an international real estate company, Re---. The Other Man was a stucco applicator for one of her builders, one of those guys that takes his shirt off when it's hot and has no issue making comments to an attractive woman when she walks by. Depending on her respect for boundaries, she is at risk from being hit on by other Realtors, customers as well as trades and sub trades working for any builder she represents. Their hours are flexible and often meeting the top associates at the bar for drinks is very common. I see so many of the same red flags. Until day of discovery, she had me thinking I was the crazy one.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Perhaps my reaction to your situation is a result of my own experience. I have never posted this before but my ex was a real estate agent with an international real estate company, Re---. The Other Man was a stucco applicator for one of her builders, one of those guys that takes his shirt off when it's hot and has no issue making comments to an attractive woman when she walks by. Depending on her respect for boundaries, she is at risk from being hit on by other Realtors, customers as well as trades and sub trades working for any builder she represents. Their hours are flexible and often meeting the top associates at the bar for drinks is very common. I see so many of the same red flags. Until day of discovery, she had me thinking I was the crazy one.

 

I hear your concerns. The OM lives quite a ways away and they will probably never cross paths in the real estate world. Also knowing what she knows about his criminal past I'm fairly sure that she does not want anything to do with him. The thought of what he was convicted of makes her sick. I do worry about subs and any of those guys that takes their shirt off when working, but that is just something I have to live with if I choose to move forward. And I know that risk is there for my wife or any woman I would be involved with. She assures me on a regular basis that her cheating days are over.

 

The OM's rap sheet shows me what he is capable of(and it's violence) and I'm not willing to risk our physical safety to satisfy my need for revenge or the need to prevent any furture contact. He is not the type of guy that seems to be concerned about his marriage so I'm not sure telling his wife would do much for us.

[SoulStorm]

I'm not sure telling his wife would do much for us.

I may be mistaken, but one of OM's biggest concerns was his wife finding out. There could be more leverage than you are aware of if she does become aware of what he's done. Chances are he has done this before and she has given him doomsday warnings should he cheat again.

[Mazerati]

VBM, considering his rap sheet, a restraining order would be a good idea to ensure some modicum of protection.

Regarding his BS, if he is as violent as you say it may be best not too, unless he contacts your W again. Having a restraining order in place should preclude that. But exposing the A to his wife may end it completely. Tough decision for sure. I know you're WW wants to keep the A from family, but disclosure may be necessary if her AP decides to pursue. Better safe than sorry.

Regarding him living far away that is a moot point IMHO, as the distance did not prevent your WW from meeting him twice to have sex. Not relevant.

There is risk everyday, but the real estate business is the affair hotbed.

If she wants to cheat as you said, she will. Be wary of gaslighting, and keep it transparent.

Continued best wishes

Maz

[understand50]

I do not wear a wedding ring. I never have. When I got a new job and was meeting my new boss, who was a woman, She asked why I did not wear one. I told that it made my skin break out. She also questioned if I was a "player" (back story: She had just gotten a divorce, from her H cheating and beating her up) I replied, "That marriage is a state of mind, and that ring or no, I am married". She was not trying to hit on me, but we worked in a job that required much integrity, and she wanted to be sure of what type of man I was.

 

That is my point. VBM's wife will decide to remain faithful or not. She will work to stay out of situations that may lead to cheating, and live transparently from this point forward. Mrs Adams, talks about how she worked hard to keep transparent, and keep out of situations that even looked bad. She has been successful, and she is in the same career she was in when she "slipped up" VBM's wife career, could be anything, but if her mind set is this was not a big issue, and I want to do this, she will. VBM looks to be going in to this with open eyes, and is on guard. I think she is too. I wish them both luck. This is going to be hard.

 

If we want and need people to change, we have to believe that they can, and when they try, help them to change. If they manage to change, we then must acknowledge that they have. Hate to say it, only time will tell.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[VeryBrokenMan]

I do not wear a wedding ring. I never have. When I got a new job and was meeting my new boss, who was a woman, She asked why I did not wear one. I told that it made my skin break out. She also questioned if I was a "player" (back story: She had just gotten a divorce, from her H cheating and beating her up) I replied, "That marriage is a state of mind, and that ring or no, I am married". She was not trying to hit on me, but we worked in a job that required much integrity, and she wanted to be sure of what type of man I was.

 

That is my point. VBM's wife will decide to remain faithful or not. She will work to stay out of situations that may lead to cheating, and live transparently from this point forward. Mrs Adams, talks about how she worked hard to keep transparent, and keep out of situations that even looked bad. She has been successful, and she is in the same career she was in when she "slipped up" VBM's wife career, could be anything, but if her mind set is this was not a big issue, and I want to do this, she will. VBM looks to be going in to this with open eyes, and is on guard. I think she is too. I wish them both luck. This is going to be hard.

 

If we want and need people to change, we have to believe that they can, and when they try, help them to change. If they manage to change, we then must acknowledge that they have. Hate to say it, only time will tell.

247524601603605607

 

I think there is a ton of truth in all that. She has got to want it, I can't force fidelity on her. And I can either assume she will not remain faithful and divorce or assume she will remain faithful and try to move forward. My eyes will certainly be open but to reconcile I have to assume that this was her last affair and I have to expect change.

 

We had a great weekend together and she is getting back to being someone I love to be around and I think she feels the same way. We've not talked about the affair since the previous weekend and I think that is what is needed at this point. I really don't have anything else I need to ask or talk about. We've talked about everything so many times now I think the thing to do is let things settle down and if something comes up talk about it. I was not triggered by anything this past week and most days I don't think about it very much except when I check in here so that's a plus.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Anyone go through a stage where they felt like they were done talking about it but then things blew up later? We are at 7 months post dday and I really don't want to talk about anything else regarding the affair. I'm certain she feels the same way of course.

 

But the last couple of days I'm wondering if we should be talking about the affair regardless if I want to or not. I don't want to get months or years down the road and be right back were we were 3 months ago because we did not deal with everything.

 

Anyone been here? Is this a normal stage?

[Rainbowlove]

Anyone go through a stage where they felt like they were done talking about it but then things blew up later? We are at 7 months post dday and I really don't want to talk about anything else regarding the affair. I'm certain she feels the same way of course.

 

But the last couple of days I'm wondering if we should be talking about the affair regardless if I want to or not. I don't want to get months or years down the road and be right back were we were 3 months ago because we did not deal with everything.

 

Anyone been here? Is this a normal stage?

 

In the early days (you are still there), you sort of tip toe through it. Afraid to bring it up. Afraid not to bring it up.

 

You and your wife have to get to a place where if you talk about it, you ask the other...is it okay if we talk about it, I really need to talk. And on top of that you have to trust the conversation will be respectful and honest - without the intention of causing the other pain.

 

My wife and I had times when we were terrified to bring it up, but holding it in is detrimental to healing.

 

Talk if you need to.

 

Wife and I have finally reached a place of talking without feeling hurt. I don't hurt and she doesn't hurt, we're moving on together.

 

Be kind to each other.

[drifter777]

Your desire to pretend everything is back to "normal" happens to all BH's at the beginning. And we work hard to find circumstances that mitigate her cheating and hope that they will help you heal as time goes on. You are setting a course for yourself so that you can move past this, intellectually, while telling yourself these emotional elements will fade over time. The thing is, these real life emotions are overcoming you. Now you are starting to call yourself on your sh*t with regard to ignoring your feelings. I think you being older and more mature plays a big part in this because your life experience tells you that avoiding ugly problems doesn't solve them. The pain and fear of losing her are real and scary. Huge dilemma that we all face if we are self-aware enough to acknowledge it.

 

At some point - maybe your there now - you have to start to make decisions using your head, your gut, and your heart all at once. Until now you have been admonished by many of us to not make a knee-jerk decision based on your emotions. And that you shouldn't trust your "gut feelings" because they are affected greatly by this trauma. And that an intellectual decision is ignoring reality. Huge dilemma.

 

In a few of your posts over the past month or so you are telling us that you feel, and are reacting to, all of the emotional elements. Then a day later you pour water all over those feelings by mitigating them with intellectual reasoning. Now you are seeing this dilemma and just how layered and complicated this really is. It's not "hey, my wife cheated and I dumped her ass" or "my wife cheated but I love her so we're going to reconcile". Just not that cut and dried.

 

You really don't have all that many entanglements with regard to divorce so that option must truly be on the table for you to make a decision that will bring you peace of mind. And the full weight of her betrayal and all the pain, sadness, shame it brings with it cannot be looked upon as things that you will just "get over" in time. You can only find peace of mind when you know - in your gut - that you made the best decision after considering the whole, sordid mess from all angles of your being.

 

You are stuck in a prison of your own making. If you are completely honest with yourself and spend the time to consider all factors you can make a choice to stay or leave. You won't feel stuck or that you were forced one way or another. I hope you can work with a counselor as you move down this path but remember that the counselor is an adviser who can help you see the other side of decisions and help guide you but, in the end, these are your decisions. I wish you would hear me.