Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story

[Ironpyrites]

I'm not sure if it's guilt on her part or just that she feels like she has to go above and beyond where I'm concerned but the last few days I've been struck by how compassionate and in tune to me my fWW has been. I was a little sore from a workout yesterday and you would have thought my leg had been cut off by how she babied me. It's like our orbits have shifted and her orbit now revolves around me rather than vice-versa. It's probably not emotionally healthy long term but I kinda like being the center of her universe for a change. I don't expect it will last forever (and it should not) but equal orbits sounds pretty nice.

 

Has anyone else experienced this?

 

Yes , my wife has done all she can for me , she insists its not about guilt and its her love for me, but this at times just makes me feel sadder at what she has done and confused to why. Although I beginning to except that they may be no reason or motive good enough for me.

[VeryBrokenMan]

You see, she is putting that accountability back onto you to do something.

 

Instead, SHE should be PROVIDING that FOR YOU.

 

And that's why the whole thing is backwards. She isn't doing enough - for HER part in it.

 

Earning trust back is not up to you to chase her evidence... It is up to her to lay it at your feet.

 

Heck, any gal could say "I'm meeting my sister for lunch". The gps shows the correct location. Pictures show evidence that lunch is happening where stated... BUT, it IS still absolutely possible to head to a bathroom for 2-3 minutes for a quickie, no? YES - that's absolutely possible in the world of a cheater.

 

 

Cheaters cheat. They rarely change... And your W has cheated twice.

 

I think the best you can hope for is that history will repeat itself - it's just that you need to be ready when it does repeat... Because she really hasn't suffered many consequences - and when you get comfortable enough not to check anymore - it's bound to happen.

 

She knows her Om is waiting - she asked him to wait. She also asked him to only contact her at the house in the mornings = and when he did just that she acted all shocked! Oh my, goodness me - HE CALLED ME! How dare he? SHE told him to...remember?

 

She's got a game she plays... It's working for her.

 

It's just a big pile of crap that she would tell YOU to make effort to follow her around. Talk about some big ego? She takes the cake!

 

And an ego that big will always cheat again - you just wait.

 

She is doing a lot to rebuild trust and she is laying it at my feet. Asking to add a GPS tracker to her phone is being open and honest. I think you and a lot of people here see her as a sneaky and conniving woman. She is not, she made a tragic decision and now she is trying to recover her life.

 

She is very aware of how she uses her phone now, leaving it near me and never taking it out of the room when we are home. She is an open book as to where she is all the time. If her plans change she lets me know. I know none of this is good enough if she wants to cheat just like GPS tracking would not be good enough. Every time we talk about the affair she says she is never cheating again. All I can do to move forward (and that's my choice at the moment) is to believe that. It's very difficult to believe anything she says but I'm trying to do just that to allow us to see where this ends up.

 

The very last call that we made together she told him it was over and not to contact her ever again. She told him she did not love him and that he needed to work on his marriage. So she was shocked when he called and I could tell from her reaction that day and the days that followed that it shook her up. This a$$hat is a convicted felon that she wants no part of. That's not to say there could be someone else that comes along she wants to cheat with but she is never going to talk to this OM again I feel sure.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I guess just enough distress to start banging a friends felon husband. Sorry but that's a piss poor excuse to cheat. She did it because she wanted to. Everything else is just a bullsh*t excuse she used to justify the disrespect she showed you.

 

It is a poor excuse and she did do it because she wanted to. She admits that she was selfish and it felt good emotionally and she did not think of me at all. She did not tell me that as an excuse, just to convey how unhappy she was with life.

 

There actually is NO excuse for cheating, it's all justifications to make themselves feel better about how f&*ked up they are. But f&*ked up people are still lovable and can rebuild a relationship if they are willing to change, and she is. I expect change and I'm getting it.

[VeryBrokenMan]

After reading this entire thread, I see it as an exercise for VBM to vent and retreat. VBM, wants to reconcile. It's that simple.

 

I don't think you're here to get advice but to just gets things off your chest.

 

I think there's been a misunderstanding that you've not been clear about. If you were to just say I don't want advice but just need somewhere to vent and somewhere to exercise my vulnerabilities and hurt.

 

It seems you've moved past the betrayal and this has become an exercise in defending your choice to reconcile.

 

Correct if I'm wrong, if so, can you explain what it is you're looking for in sharing your story.

 

I appreciate everything others have to say here and it allows me to see all sides. I've not moved past the betrayal, but I am working to move forward and have the type of relationship that I WANT. I decided a few months ago that my life was going to be great again with or without her. If she changes and becomes the person she should have always been then she is welcome in my life. And on my side, I want to give her the attention and love she deserves in a normal relationship. That is incredibly hard these days but I'm taking it one day at a time and working toward being able to give her that.

 

I think at this point I'm still sharing so that others that come here devastated can see that divorce is not the only option and that a small percentage of marriages can survive. But we are in no way out of the woods yet, I still have thoughts that the disrespect and lack of concern for my well being cannot ever be forgiven. But I'm willing to give it time to see where we end up a year or two down the road. My IC told me that to be really happy with my choice and to heal fully I should not divorce based on the cheating but how the marriage is in a year or two. If it's not good then I can say I did everything I could and she did not and we can part ways knowing much more about US and without regrets.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Yes , my wife has done all she can for me , she insists its not about guilt and its her love for me, but this at times just makes me feel sadder at what she has done and confused to why. Although I beginning to except that they may be no reason or motive good enough for me.

 

I think accepting that we will never know the full reasons it happened is part of healing. You cannot get into their mind and feel what they were feeling. And I'm not sure she really understands the reasons either.

[JohnAdams]

She is doing a lot to rebuild trust and she is laying it at my feet. Asking to add a GPS tracker to her phone is being open and honest. I think you and a lot of people here see her as a sneaky and conniving woman. She is not, she made a tragic decision and now she is trying to recover her life.

 

Well, yes she is a sneaky, conniving woman. Her actions have proven that. She could not have planned and connived to meet another man without having those traits. Perhaps you have never viewed her that way, but, she has proven otherwise. You are doing all you can to rebuild the relationship. It also sounds like she is wanting to rebuild, but, yes, she has proven she is not the woman you thought.

[fellini]

Well, yes she is a sneaky, conniving woman. Her actions have proven that. She could not have planned and connived to meet another man without having those traits. Perhaps you have never viewed her that way, but, she has proven otherwise. You are doing all you can to rebuild the relationship. It also sounds like she is wanting to rebuild, but, yes, she has proven she is not the woman you thought.

 

Well now you are pretty much saying that her past defines her.

 

Surely there is sneaking and conniving in all of us. The question is not if we can be, it is if that is who we are. The question is, is she conniving because that is who she is, or has she been conniving and sneaky and now realises that she has to decide not to be with her husband.

 

I spent my entire youth being sneaky with no remorse. I have been very clear about proper behaviour during the last 20 plus years. I can weigh the difference, and I do. I don't think I was born with any superpowers that allows me to change the way I act on impulses and emotions.

Edited May 12, 2015 by fellini

[Mrs. John Adams]

We are not defined by our past actions...but it certainly is a mirror into who we are and what we need to change.

 

We all can be sneaky and dishonest...we all can be selfish...we all could cheat.

 

The difference in Us Is...some of us did.

 

His wife is no different than your wife Fellini.....or than myself.

 

We are good women....but we let the deceitful, selfish ugly parts of our characters take precedence over anything else.....and we committed adultery.

Not by accident...by choice. A choice we regret...a choice we wish we could undo...but we still did it.

 

My life is not defined by my choice to commit adultery....It is defined in spite of it.

 

Just as I made the decision to cheat....I have made the decision to repent...to turn away from my sin never to commit the sin again. I am still guilty of the sin...I still did it....but my husband has chosen to forgive me for it.

 

Not all betrayed spouses have the power to forgive....and not all wayward spouses have proven they deserve forgiveness.

 

Mrs very broken man gives to him what he needs....and in my opinion....that is all that matters.

[fellini]

No argument from me on this.

 

The entire issue turns on the word "is".

 

Lucky are the spanish who distinguish between "ser" and "estar" so that the difference of who someone is from what they have shown they can be is always engrained in the grammar.

 

To say his WW is a sneaky and dishonest woman should, IMHO, be said:

 

your WW has shown herself in the past to be able to be sneaky and dishonest with you

 

or if you must your WW was in the past a sneaky and dishonest person

 

For me the difference is enormous.

 

We are not defined by our past actions...but it certainly is a mirror into who we are and what we need to change.

 

We all can be sneaky and dishonest...we all can be selfish...we all could cheat.

 

The difference in Us Is...some of us did.

 

His wife is no different than your wife Fellini.....or than myself.

 

We are good women....but we let the deceitful, selfish ugly parts of our characters take precedence over anything else.....and we committed adultery.

Not by accident...by choice. A choice we regret...a choice we wish we could undo...but we still did it.

 

My life is not defined by my choice to commit adultery....It is defined in spite of it.

 

Just as I made the decision to cheat....I have made the decision to repent...to turn away from my sin never to commit the sin again. I am still guilty of the sin...I still did it....but my husband has chosen to forgive me for it.

 

Not all betrayed spouses have the power to forgive....and not all wayward spouses have proven they deserve forgiveness.

 

Mrs very broken man gives to him what he needs....and in my opinion....that is all that matters.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...I hear what you are saying and agree.

 

The question becomes...how far removed do we need to be from the sin...before it becomes our past?

 

It has been 31 years since I committed adultery. Am I still an adulteress? A cheater? When did I become a fws?

 

So in my act of infidelity....I lied, I deceived, I betrayed. How much time must pass before I am no longer a lire and deceiver?

 

Honestly...it doesn't matter what you and I think. All that matters is what mr and mrs very broken man think.....and he constantly reminds us they are doing everything right and all is well.

 

I cannot argue with that. I am not them.

[understand50]

This issue for reconciliation, is that you can forgive, but you cannot forget and there will be always be anger and pain. Both sides must work to reestablish a good working marriage. The WS, must show remorse, and work hard to be open and truthful. The BS, must, give the WS some space and not bring up the A every minute of the day. No one can live with someone else if they are getting nothing but 24/7 anger. How they both do this, is up to them, but limiting discussion of the A to a set time, making time to try and be together as a "normal" couple, and then being totally open to each other, you may have a chance of reconciling. This is going to be hard especially when you first start.

 

The bottom line is: The WS needs to not have the A thrown at them all the time, and the BS needs the WS not to forget and talk truthfully and fully about what happened when it is time to discuss it. The need to ask questions, may last for years, or decades. (I am sure if Mr. A got some other info about what happened, he would ask Mrs A, about it, and I hope that Mrs A if she had revelation on "Why" she did this, she would talk to Mr. A about it. Sorry to use you both as an example, but you are a successful couple that has made it so far. I guess my wife and I could be another, but our issue was financial not sexual, but we used the same process. ) How both sides manage this will show if they can make it. A WS that is working hard to show remorse and change, can never take back what happened, but the BS needs to accept that change has occurred, or is in the process. That the A is in the past, and will not happen again.

 

Lastly: Marriage is a two way street, if you want to stay together, you both are going to have to do some hard work. What the WS has done will be with them and define them for the rest of their life, but it does not have to overwhelm them and the marriage and their spouse.

 

VBM, from what he has written to us, seems to have this working. I hope it continues, but would not be surprised if something pops up later that causes issues. If and when that happens, I hope they both can work it out.

 

 

 

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Edited May 12, 2015 by understand50

[VeryBrokenMan]

Well, yes she is a sneaky, conniving woman. Her actions have proven that. She could not have planned and connived to meet another man without having those traits. Perhaps you have never viewed her that way, but, she has proven otherwise. You are doing all you can to rebuild the relationship. It also sounds like she is wanting to rebuild, but, yes, she has proven she is not the woman you thought.

 

 

She was not sneaky and conniving for a very large part of our life and she has not been since the affair. Yes, during the affair for 70 days or so she was making horrible choices and was that woman. She has a lot of faults (as does everyone) but being sneaky and conniving on a regular basis is not one of them.

[VeryBrokenMan]

We are not defined by our past actions...but it certainly is a mirror into who we are and what we need to change.

 

We all can be sneaky and dishonest...we all can be selfish...we all could cheat.

 

The difference in Us Is...some of us did.

 

His wife is no different than your wife Fellini.....or than myself.

 

We are good women....but we let the deceitful, selfish ugly parts of our characters take precedence over anything else.....and we committed adultery.

Not by accident...by choice. A choice we regret...a choice we wish we could undo...but we still did it.

 

My life is not defined by my choice to commit adultery....It is defined in spite of it.

 

Just as I made the decision to cheat....I have made the decision to repent...to turn away from my sin never to commit the sin again. I am still guilty of the sin...I still did it....but my husband has chosen to forgive me for it.

 

Not all betrayed spouses have the power to forgive....and not all wayward spouses have proven they deserve forgiveness.

 

Mrs very broken man gives to him what he needs....and in my opinion....that is all that matters.

 

I've thought about this a lot and I've wavered back and forth but I disagree that we could all cheat. I think that is a view held by many WS's but I feel even given the perfect situation that I would not. Especially now given what hell we've been through the past 7 months.

 

She is giving me what I need at the moment but I still find myself wondering if I can actually forgive and forget. I wonder if I'll wake up at some point in the future and think I can't do this. I have those type thoughts almost every day and I try not to dwell on them. And for the most part that works and allows me to move forward. Life is really back to normal the past couple of months as far as outward appearances but inside I feel like I'm just as torn up as I was early on. But I force myself to think about my future and what I want and the feeling pass quickly.

 

I have not been talking about the affair very much at all with her and I think that has helped a lot. Rehashing the same details over and over was making us both miserable. I'm still not anywhere near forgiveness, whatever that is. My IC tells me forgiveness is for me and me alone but I'm not sure I fully understand that yet. I guess in some ways I have forgiven her in that I'm not allowing what she did to define the rest of my life or my current hapiness. It's all very complicated in my mind right now and I'm probably not making sense and need to give that more thought.

 

I think forgiveness entails seeing that any given person is not flawless and some make horrendous decisions that can take a terrible toll on your life and well being. The choice to reconcile means that you have to allow that person access to your heart and trust they will never do that to you again. Many (most?) BH's cannot make that leap. My IC has said that men tend to be loyal to a fault compared to women and do not understand when that loyalty is not returned in the form of an affair. Part of my ability to recover so far is that I'm able to see that she was loyal for many years and just made some very poor choices. But those choices have to be weighed against the entire relationship and she should not be judged on a 70 day span of time in my opinion. I'm judging her on how many years she was there for me when I needed her support, how great a mother she was and the great companion she is. That is the basis for reconciliation, not 70 very ugly days.

[VeryBrokenMan]

This issue for reconciliation, is that you can forgive, but you cannot forget and there will be always be anger and pain. Both sides must work to reestablish a good working marriage. The WS, must show remorse, and work hard to be open and truthful. The BS, must, give the WS some space and not bring up the A every minute of the day. No one can live with someone else if they are getting nothing but 24/7 anger. How they both do this, is up to them, but limiting discussion of the A to a set time, making time to try and be together as a "normal" couple, and then being totally open to each other, you may have a chance of reconciling. This is going to be hard especially when you first start.

 

The bottom line is: The WS needs to not have the A thrown at them all the time, and the BS needs the WS not to forget and talk truthfully and fully about what happened when it is time to discuss it. The need to ask questions, may last for years, or decades. (I am sure if Mr. A got some other info about what happened, he would ask Mrs A, about it, and I hope that Mrs A if she had revelation on "Why" she did this, she would talk to Mr. A about it. Sorry to use you both as an example, but you are a successful couple that has made it so far. I guess my wife and I could be another, but our issue was financial not sexual, but we used the same process. ) How both sides manage this will show if they can make it. A WS that is working hard to show remorse and change, can never take back what happened, but the BS needs to accept that change has occurred, or is in the process. That the A is in the past, and will not happen again.

 

Lastly: Marriage is a two way street, if you want to stay together, you both are going to have to do some hard work. What the WS has done will be with them and define them for the rest of their life, but it does not have to overwhelm them and the marriage and their spouse.

 

VBM, from what he has written to us, seems to have this working. I hope it continues, but would not be surprised if something pops up later that causes issues. If and when that happens, I hope they both can work it out.

 

 

 

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Reconciliation is a two way street, both of us have to deal with things we would not have addressed prior to the affair. That does not in anyway admit blame on my part just the reality that neither one of us wants the relationship we had before. A very high percentage of men whose wives cheat are not able to take a hard look at themselves and see there flaws. I've done that and it was not really pretty. Just like I've said she does not want to be that selfish, entitled cheater, I don't want to be that totally focused, single minded, take no prisoners A$$h*le that only cares about what happens in business. I've been that guy for a lot of years and really I'm done being that guy. Her affair has made me realize what is important and family and friends need to take a bigger role in my life. So one of my goals is to stop working so hard and to enjoy each day. Stop and smell the roses so to speak, and the past few months we've been doing that and that is contributing to my ongoing happiness.

[fellini]

Fantastic last three entries VBM, time to take the b out of the VBM.

 

I hope those who claimed you are in denial and rugsweeping either take their game elsewhere or have the balls to admit they judged you too harshly and too quickly.

 

Reconciliation is a two way street, both of us have to deal with things we would not have addressed prior to the affair. That does not in anyway admit blame on my part just the reality that neither one of us wants the relationship we had before. A very high percentage of men whose wives cheat are not able to take a hard look at themselves and see there flaws. I've done that and it was not really pretty. Just like I've said she does not want to be that selfish, entitled cheater, I don't want to be that totally focused, single minded, take no prisoners A$$h*le that only cares about what happens in business. I've been that guy for a lot of years and really I'm done being that guy. Her affair has made me realize what is important and family and friends need to take a bigger role in my life. So one of my goals is to stop working so hard and to enjoy each day. Stop and smell the roses so to speak, and the past few months we've been doing that and that is contributing to my ongoing happiness.

[aliveagain]

Agreed but you shouldn't have to keep dealing with infidelity over and over and over again. If they were unfaithful once and caught why did they go out and do it again? Why do you have to deal with it a second time and why did she not keep the promises she made the first time she was caught? Why did she put your family in such peril again? Why should you believe anything she promises you this time. What's different other than you know for sure sex happened this time and it's a different other man. This time she went after a friends husband which is in my opinion far worse than some stranger.

 

VBM, your the one taking the risk here, she's already taken hers on several occasions and she may even have considered your reaction as part of her decision to cheat. I don't think she believed you would ever leave her because look at where you are now(read the transcript from a few short months ago). How long was her first affair, add that to your 70 days. Than add the years of therapy required to make you feel safe again. I bet that number is closer to 4-5 years of your marriage wasted. Look at the toll it has taken on you and everyone that knows or suspects there are problems. I will not worry the next time I travel for business.

 

All I am saying is you know who your dealing with, take the necessary legal actions to protect yourself and your children because you and she do not have the same value for marriage.

Edited May 12, 2015 by aliveagain

[understand50]

Aliveagain, Brings up some good points. If reconciliation is to work, and you are to "forgive" you must know what you are forgiving. I know in the past VBM has wrote that if the earlier EA was really a PA, he would divorce. The WS does not have the "safety" to be totally open. I still think you have some hard questions to ask, but you need to be able to "hear" it. As you have wrote, she has changed, you may have to forgive more then this last affair. Once the flood gates open, all sorts of things can come out. VBM will have to decide if the present changes make up for the past.

 

 

 

Agreed but you shouldn't have to keep dealing with infidelity over and over and over again. If they were unfaithful once and caught why did they go out and do it again? Why do you have to deal with it a second time and why did she not keep the promises she made the first time she was caught? Why did she put your family in such peril again? Why should you believe anything she promises you this time. What's different other than you know for sure sex happened this time and it's a different other man. This time she went after a friends husband which is in my opinion far worse than some stranger.

 

VBM, your the one taking the risk here, she's already taken hers on several occasions and she may even have considered your reaction as part of her decision to cheat. I don't think she believed you would ever leave her because look at where you are now(read the transcript from a few short months ago). How long was her first affair, add that to your 70 days. Than add the years of therapy required to make you feel safe again. I bet that number is closer to 4-5 years of your marriage wasted. Look at the toll it has taken from you and everyone that knows or suspects there are problems. I will not worry the next time I travel for business.

 

All I am saying is you know who your dealing with, take the necessary legal actions to protect yourself and your children because you and she do not have the same value for marriage.

 

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[VeryBrokenMan]

Agreed but you shouldn't have to keep dealing with infidelity over and over and over again. If they were unfaithful once and caught why did they go out and do it again? Why do you have to deal with it a second time and why did she not keep the promises she made the first time she was caught? Why did she put your family in such peril again? Why should you believe anything she promises you this time. What's different other than you know for sure sex happened this time and it's a different other man. This time she went after a friends husband which is in my opinion far worse than some stranger.

 

VBM, your the one taking the risk here, she's already taken hers on several occasions and she may even have considered your reaction as part of her decision to cheat. I don't think she believed you would ever leave her because look at where you are now(read the transcript from a few short months ago). How long was her first affair, add that to your 70 days. Than add the years of therapy required to make you feel safe again. I bet that number is closer to 4-5 years of your marriage wasted. Look at the toll it has taken on you and everyone that knows or suspects there are problems. I will not worry the next time I travel for business.

 

All I am saying is you know who your dealing with, take the necessary legal actions to protect yourself and your children because you and she do not have the same value for marriage.

 

The first affair was what she calls "just a friendship", she broke it off completely after getting caught trying to keep it a secret. Hindsight is 20-20 on this and it is obviously insight into her thinking and the second affair but at the time we recovered quickly. She never admitted to it being an affair and I just went on with life. This time I knew better and gathered evidence before she knew I knew what was going on. On DDay she had to confess because I already knew most of what was happening.

 

At worst it's taken about 4 or maybe 5 months out of my life. That's not 4 or 5 years. Here is the difference between what you believe and what I've been practicing: I don't worry at all about her cheating again. I can take trips without her and she can do the same and I won't think twice about her cheating again. That is because I know I'm going to have a great life with or without her and I can move forward in full safety. I'm not sure you guys that are bringing up the "what if she cheats again" line over and over really get the concept or mindset. What she does from this point forward determines if she is in my life for the long term. If she really wants to be with me then she will make every effort to do so. And if not, then it's over and we live separate lives. I refuse to let her actions control my happiness and more importantly I refuse to let her affair ruin the rest of my life. Holy crap man, life is way too short to spend another 3 or 4 years stewing over this BS. I think those that wallow in that pain probably want to wallow in that pain. I choose not to and I'm simply not going to do it. I'm done and I'm moving forward.

Edited May 12, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan

[jbrent890]

Reconciliation is a two way street, both of us have to deal with things we would not have addressed prior to the affair. That does not in anyway admit blame on my part just the reality that neither one of us wants the relationship we had before. A very high percentage of men whose wives cheat are not able to take a hard look at themselves and see there flaws. I've done that and it was not really pretty. Just like I've said she does not want to be that selfish, entitled cheater, I don't want to be that totally focused, single minded, take no prisoners A$$h*le that only cares about what happens in business. I've been that guy for a lot of years and really I'm done being that guy. Her affair has made me realize what is important and family and friends need to take a bigger role in my life. So one of my goals is to stop working so hard and to enjoy each day. Stop and smell the roses so to speak, and the past few months we've been doing that and that is contributing to my ongoing happiness.

 

What you call a flaw, I call you being an excellent provider for your family. I look at it this way, if your wife felt that you were working too much, couldn't she have brought that up to you? From what you have described, your wife hasn't had to do that much in this marriage. The trend that I'm starting to see with husbands that forgive these things is that they are usually the ones who do more. Listen I'm the last person to tell you to divorce (I didn't with mine), but at the same time, I don't want you blaming yourself for what happened. I know that you're going to say that you're not, but it kind of comes off that way. This is just my observation, but it really seems that your wife got everything she wanted in this life and marriage, and the moment it started to fade, she cheated. I'm not trying to disrespect your wife, but those sound like the actions of a spoiled child. My point is this, I think that you could have came to this realization (good one btw) of yours with honest communication on her end. She did not need to cheat on you for you to realize this.

[aliveagain]

The first affair was what she calls "just a friendship", she broke it off completely after getting caught trying to keep it a secret. Hindsight is 20-20 on this and it is obviously insight into her thinking and the second affair but at the time we recovered quickly. She never admitted to it being an affair and I just went on with life. This time I knew better and gathered evidence before she knew I knew what was going on. On DDay she had to confess because I already knew most of what was happening.

 

At worst it's taken about 4 or maybe 5 months out of my life. That's not 4 or 5 years. Here is the difference between what you believe and what I've been practicing: I don't worry at all about her cheating again. I can take trips without her and she can do the same and I won't think twice about her cheating again. That is because I know I'm going to have a great life with or without her and I can move forward in full safety. I'm not sure you guys that are bringing up the "what if she cheats again" line over and over really get the concept or mindset. What she does from this point forward determines if she is in my life for the long term. If she really wants to be with me then she will make every effort to do so. And if not, then it's over and we live separate lives. I refuse to let her actions control my happiness and more importantly I refuse to let her affair ruin the rest of my life. Holy crap man, life is way too short to spend another 3 or 4 years stewing over this BS. I think those that wallow in that pain probably want to wallow in that pain. I choose not to and I'm simply not going to do it. I'm done and I'm moving forward.

 

Bingo, now you understand my position after having been cheated on several times. The last being the most brutal. VBM I totally agree with you, life is too short and if anyone is stupid enough to doubt my integrity or take advantage of my trust than as you said, life is too short. It should never have been an issue period. The one thing I remember the most is the look in their eyes when cornered. I had to endure that look 3 times before I realized that life is too short, the 4th time was a no brainer. I don't know your wife but I have come to understand you and your integrity by your writing. My posts are not intended to cause you more pain but to hopefully stop you from making some of the same mistakes I made. You have to be prepared to walk away to save what you have, lets hope she understand this now? Use every tool you need. Just so you know VBM, I am one of your biggest supporters and you deserve to be happy, I mean really happy.

[understand50]

At this point we need to judge her on her actions going forward. Yes, VBM and his wife could have done all sorts of things different in the past, but they seem to be in reconciliation mode. I hope as things come up they can overcome them. If you are going to have a marrage, you cannot keep beating up on the WS forever, at some point you have to trust them and slip back in a normal relationship. Does not mean you close your eyes, and not ask for transparency, but we do have to hope for and accept change in a spouse. From what VBM has wrote, this is going on with his wife. This is not easy, we must look at what is happening right now, and try and understand the past as not to repeat it.

 

I am glad that they both seem to be making it work, and I wish them well. VBM's wife is doing everything everyone on LS says she is supposed to do. We need to give her a brake. In the end that is VBM's decision.

14951538

[VeryBrokenMan]

What you call a flaw, I call you being an excellent provider for your family. I look at it this way, if your wife felt that you were working too much, couldn't she have brought that up to you? From what you have described, your wife hasn't had to do that much in this marriage. The trend that I'm starting to see with husbands that forgive these things is that they are usually the ones who do more. Listen I'm the last person to tell you to divorce (I didn't with mine), but at the same time, I don't want you blaming yourself for what happened. I know that you're going to say that you're not, but it kind of comes off that way. This is just my observation, but it really seems that your wife got everything she wanted in this life and marriage, and the moment it started to fade, she cheated. I'm not trying to disrespect your wife, but those sound like the actions of a spoiled child. My point is this, I think that you could have came to this realization (good one btw) of yours with honest communication on her end. She did not need to cheat on you for you to realize this.

 

Thanks for your viewpoint and I do think it's valid to some extent. I do blame myself for not seeing what our marriage had become and making an effort to revive it. I did not force her to cheat, that was all on her. And I know that just because I want to be a better partner does not mean I accept any blame for her affair. That is just something that I want to do for myself. I don't want to be "that guy" that is "take it or leave it here I am".

 

Of course she could have brought up the fact that I was working too much and neglected her too much. But prior to the affair I'm not sure she even realized it or would have said it made her unhappy. In her words she knew she was unhappy but did not know why and she blamed it on me "not making her happy" added to the loss of her mother, her sisters breast cancer, etc, etc, etc. My IC and her IC have both said that is total BS. I'm not here to make her happy, that has to come from within and she gets that... now. And she has never once said I worked too much, what she has said is that I was not "invested" in her and I get that and she is right.

 

The deal is the marriage was not fading at all, it had already faded. She was doing her thing and I was doing mine locked into what marriages can become after a long period. Living life without either side trying too hard. But this was not a bad marriage, we didn't fight, we had mutually satisfying sex, we did have a great time together and enjoyed being with each other. But there was no real intimacy in that we did not talk about our respective lives, dreams and fears. We do all that now and I've learned some amazing things I never knew about her and her about me. And all that feels good, it's like were finally getting to know each other after all these years.

 

I think your assessment of her being a spoiled child is spot on. She has not always been like that, during the child raising years she was selfless to a fault and always put herself last. Looking back I think I should have pushed for her to start (restart) a career after the last child was in high school. But I did the opposite and pushed her to take a well deserved break and she did. But then she got into a lifestyle mode that I've coined as "Beverly Hills Housewife" where all she wanted was more and more and life became all about what she wanted. It never occurred to me she was in that mindset until the affair and then it was all clear. The last ten years or so she has made herself the top priority. She sees all that now too and I'm certain she did not realize at the time how selfish and entitled she had become. She says she hates herself for being that person now and she is desperate to remake herself in a way that is compatible with her values. She has also said many times that she hates herself for having the affair and is willing to do what ever it takes to make thing right for me. All I can really do is either give her a chance to prove it one way or another. Either she continues down this reform path to being a good person again that is not spoiled or we divorce. She is in control of her own destiny.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Bingo, now you understand my position after having been cheated on several times. The last being the most brutal. VBM I totally agree with you, life is too short and if anyone is stupid enough to doubt my integrity or take advantage of my trust than as you said, life is too short. It should never have been an issue period. The one thing I remember the most is the look in their eyes when cornered. I had to endure that look 3 times before I realized that life is too short, the 4th time was a no brainer. I don't know your wife but I have come to understand you and your integrity by your writing. My posts are not intended to cause you more pain but to hopefully stop you from making some of the same mistakes I made. You have to be prepared to walk away to save what you have, lets hope she understand this now? Use every tool you need. Just so you know VBM, I am one of your biggest supporters and you deserve to be happy, I mean really happy.

 

Thank AA! I think I can understand your viewpoint better now than four months ago, I can't imagine the pain of the 2rd or 3rd or 4th affair. And I do see that you don't want me make the same mistakes, but keep in mind every situation is different. All I can do is what you did the first time and see if there is another affair and make my decision then. Acually my IC told me "Don't divorce because of the affair, divorce because your marriage is not good enough a year or two from now'. Probably really good advice.

[Cephalopod]

I think the main reason my brother killed himself was he blamed himself for his wife's affair. Maybe he thought that if he had been more of a strong man, a better husband, a better provider, been more accessible, then his wife would not have cheated. I thought he was a great dad and provider. He doted on his wife, which was why we were all so shocked when we found out she had been carrying on with another man for over a year.

 

I know I blamed myself when my ex-wife had her affairs. It was easier to blame myself than to accept that the woman I loved and idolized had become an amoral, drug addicted adulterer.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I think the main reason my brother killed himself was he blamed himself for his wife's affair. Maybe he thought that if he had been more of a strong man, a better husband, a better provider, been more accessible, then his wife would not have cheated. I thought he was a great dad and provider. He doted on his wife, which was why we were all so shocked when we found out she had been carrying on with another man for over a year.

 

I know I blamed myself when my ex-wife had her affairs. It was easier to blame myself than to accept that the woman I loved and idolized had become an amoral, drug addicted adulterer.

 

I've accepted that she is a lot of things and no I'm not blaming myself at all, her affair is on her and her alone.